Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 5, 2014 22:25:01 GMT -5
My daughter and her boyfriend moved into an apartment together a few months ago. I thought it was a bad idea when she told me her plan, but I didn't try to talk her out of it because she doesn't listen to me anyway. Less than a month after they moved, she started to realize she'd probably made a mistake. Now she's unemployed again, pregnant again, and her boyfriend wants her out of the apartment.
This isn't the first time it's come up, one time before, I told her she needs to ask her Dad if she can come over there because my help doesn't seem to help her since she was here for 2 years and didn't make any kind of progress during that time. Plus, I was so miserable and angry with the situation before, that I'd started spending the night elsewhere sometimes, just to get some peace and solitude. I don't want to live like that again.
I feel trapped. I don't think her Dad will let her stay there. I wouldn't be able to sleep at night, living by myself in a 3 bedroom house and my pregnant daughter and my grandson have no place to live. I can't insist she suck it up and work it out with the boyfriend, because sometimes he acts a damn fool when he drinks and I'm not confident that he won't hurt her and he's been very clear that he wants her out. That's a different ballgame than just having relationship issues.
Sometimes I just want to shake her a little, in hopes that her brains will unscramble so she can stop compounding her problems and get herself together. Other times I just want to cry because she's been obviously unhappy and confused for a while and she still just keeps making her life more complicated.
I enjoy living alone. Thinking about the possibility of her moving back into my small house with my grandson (who I love, love, love, but he's more than a notion to keep up with) and eventually a baby, is depressing. I don't even have a basement to let them live in lol.
I know you all probably can't tell me anything I don't already know. I'm under no illusions about the poor decisions my daughter is making. I guess I just needed to vent because I'm really unhappy at the moment.
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chiver78
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Post by chiver78 on Feb 5, 2014 22:30:35 GMT -5
I'm sorry I can't offer any advice, but I can absolutely listen when you need to vent. sorry your world is being turned upside down.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 5, 2014 22:31:01 GMT -5
I'm sorry . I have no kids so no good advice except just hang in there and do the best you can.
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InsertCoolName
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Post by InsertCoolName on Feb 5, 2014 22:44:14 GMT -5
I'm sorry.
But I get it! I can NOT wait to be living alone! I hate it when people tell me I will miss it. No. I won't.
Sometimes it's hard to be mom.
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taz157
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Post by taz157 on Feb 5, 2014 22:47:15 GMT -5
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busymom
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Post by busymom on Feb 5, 2014 22:50:26 GMT -5
So sorry, Hon! It is REALLY hard when kids don't seem to learn from their mistakes.
Maybe it's time to play the tough love card, & give her the telephone number to social services. You can't help someone who won't help themselves.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 5, 2014 22:54:28 GMT -5
Hugs from friends are good when I'm feeling blue, even virtual hugs from my friends that live in my computer. :-)
Thanks.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 5, 2014 22:59:03 GMT -5
My internet connection went wonky on my laptop and I hate posting on my phone. Plus it's my bedtime. I'm going to rest my brain and my body and I'll get back to you all tomorrow.
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Feb 5, 2014 23:02:58 GMT -5
PC-between you and your daughter's father, could you afford a one bedroom apartment for her? Let her live for a while on her own and learn what a struggle life truely is when you make bad decisions. Continued rental support would be contingent upon her seeking work and/or continued education.
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Feb 5, 2014 23:58:31 GMT -5
I am sorry you are dealing with this. I am not going to pretend that I know what I would do in your situation. Sitting here, now, with my boys sleeping in the next room, their biggest "problem" is not cleaning plates after dinner, it would be so easy to say - let her fend for herself, she needs to grow up. But if I remember correctly, she is in her early 20's and while yes, we consider 18 - 25 yr olds adults - some of them are just not and I think it's hard to find a balance between helping and doing it for them. I am so sorry you are unhappy. BTW, is her name on the lease or just his?
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mskay
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Post by mskay on Feb 6, 2014 0:54:29 GMT -5
I second the suggestion that she seek social services! Maybe you can make it easier for her to get to the appointments? Just make sure that you give you her a reasonable (for you) end date for your help up front. Good Luck!!!
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Post by Deleted on Feb 6, 2014 7:06:00 GMT -5
Tenn, her Dad wouldn't even pay child support like he was suppose to. I couldn't count on him to help pay rent for her, even if I thought that was a good idea. Rukh, she's not even excited about being pregnant. She swears she was taking her pills, I don't know. I do know she had to take antibiotics twice during the time she would have gotten pregnant, not that that's a good excuse. She was already pregnant when she moved out, but she hadn't told me yet. Lena, yes, early 20's. I don't mind helping her, but it seems like me helping her just enables her to stay stuck. I was clear that she couldn't live here forever and talked and talked and talked about her need to use her time here to work toward independance. At one point I even tried to get her some professional help on my dime. She's just stuck. What do you all mean my social services? What exactly is that? I don't have time to look it up. I have to leave. I'll be back later.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 6, 2014 7:12:21 GMT -5
well first off, why isn't she considering abortion? I will never understand why after having one baby with no stable job or relationship, women go and do it again.....did they not learn anything?
I get the guilt and not sure what I would do, but you have to think about what's going to be best in the long run.
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milee
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Post by milee on Feb 6, 2014 7:34:52 GMT -5
I'm so sorry you're in this tough spot.
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constanz22
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Post by constanz22 on Feb 6, 2014 7:36:00 GMT -5
If she does not have a job, is pregnant and homeless, she needs to go apply for "social services" = welfare. I don't know what state you live in so I'm not sure what it's called there or where she would go apply. It is usually Department of Social Services, Public Assistance, "Welfare" office, Office of Health and Human Services, etc. She also should apply for and be receiving WIC with a small child and being pregnant. I don't think you should let her move back in with you. Time for her to learn to be self supportive. She will have housing and food (food stamps), and will likely need to participate in some job training (Welfare to Work) in order to receive benefits. Hopefully the whole welfare experience will turn into a learning experience and allow her to grow up some, and not turn into a way of life.
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Feb 6, 2014 7:54:27 GMT -5
well first off, why isn't she considering abortion? I will never understand why after having one baby with no stable job or relationship, women go and do it again.....did they not learn anything? I get the guilt and not sure what I would do, but you have to think about what's going to be best in the long run. Some of us don't believe in abortion. Regardless of what situation I found myself in, I could never kill my child.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Feb 6, 2014 7:55:10 GMT -5
I would also look into Catholic Charities. Depending on where you live, housing could be an an issue. My city no longer accepts applications for section 8 housing. It's been like that for at least 2-3 years now, because the wait list is so long. I know my city is not the only one.
I'm catholic, and my church's community center houses a pregnancy crisis center. My church is also part of a bunch of churches that provides limited term housing for homeless folks with kids.
Catholic Charities may also help your daughter decide if she should adopt or keep the child.
I'd also call the United Way. They would know of pregnancy crisis centers, etc.
I'm sorry you are going through this. Like other hard decisions in life, we can presume how we would act ahead of time, but until we actually experience the situation, we really don't know what we are going to do.
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constanz22
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Post by constanz22 on Feb 6, 2014 7:58:19 GMT -5
Section 8 housing and welfare/public assistance are entirely different programs.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Feb 6, 2014 8:03:05 GMT -5
Perhaps she could look into adoption if she isn't willing to have an abortion? There are so many people out there who want a baby so desperately. That may be the best route for her older child as well. Maybe open adoption so you all can keep an eye on things. Then she can get a job skill while she lives with you with NO children and NO men and go on with her life?
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taz157
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Post by taz157 on Feb 6, 2014 8:04:37 GMT -5
well first off, why isn't she considering abortion? I will never understand why after having one baby with no stable job or relationship, women go and do it again.....did they not learn anything? I get the guilt and not sure what I would do, but you have to think about what's going to be best in the long run. Some of us don't believe in abortion. Regardless of what situation I found myself in, I could never kill my child. Yeah that! She could also look into adoption.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Feb 6, 2014 8:07:53 GMT -5
Not all people feel that way but going on the fact that she has already done this once, I'm going to assume she doesn't care for an abortion. I hope she has learned that having a baby doesn't keep a man. Letting her children go to homes and parents that are able to care for them is a huge gift, both to those parents, the children involved, and herself.
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flopsy
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Post by flopsy on Feb 6, 2014 8:22:18 GMT -5
well first off, why isn't she considering abortion? I will never understand why after having one baby with no stable job or relationship, women go and do it again.....did they not learn anything? I get the guilt and not sure what I would do, but you have to think about what's going to be best in the long run. Some of us don't believe in abortion. Regardless of what situation I found myself in, I could never kill my child. Yes... Has she considered adoption? Sad as it is she could find a loving family to take her baby and possibly get some assistance between now and when baby comes.
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Feb 6, 2014 8:38:05 GMT -5
well first off, why isn't she considering abortion? I will never understand why after having one baby with no stable job or relationship, women go and do it again.....did they not learn anything? I get the guilt and not sure what I would do, but you have to think about what's going to be best in the long run. While I agree in general that we make it way too easy for people to have kids without any way to support them, this was not the right time and place to post this sentiment.
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Sunnyday
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Post by Sunnyday on Feb 6, 2014 8:46:00 GMT -5
@pink Cashmere
I know how frustrating and heartbreaking it is to deal with someone that you love who can't seem to get their head on straight making bad decision after bad decision.
There is no magic solution, but just take it a day at a time. I know it's insufficient and trite advice, but sometimes the only thing that you can do is just let go.
You have my sympathies.
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Sunnyday
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Post by Sunnyday on Feb 6, 2014 8:52:19 GMT -5
well first off, why isn't she considering abortion? I will never understand why after having one baby with no stable job or relationship, women go and do it again.....did they not learn anything? I get the guilt and not sure what I would do, but you have to think about what's going to be best in the long run. Some of us don't believe in abortion. Regardless of what situation I found myself in, I could never kill my child. Some people might not agree with it. But it is legal. [insert deadpan face] <sorry couldn't resist> Back to being serious, it is a viable option. If the daughter has a troubled past, havin one more kid, can break the camel's back. I don't know the entire history, so it's hard to say what the best choice would be. Well, the best choice would be the one that the daughter can live with. But, we are obviously getting ahead of ourselves.
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Feb 6, 2014 8:53:13 GMT -5
Some of us don't believe in abortion. Regardless of what situation I found myself in, I could never kill my child. Yeah that! She could also look into adoption. That is a much better solution, IMHO. But at the end of the day, it is her dd's choice. I would like to think I would be strong enough to give my baby a better life (via adoption) but I can't even begin to imagine how difficult it would be to hand my child over to someone else to raise. It takes great strength to do something like that and I don't know that I have it in me.
Pink, I wish all of you the best of luck. Your dd has put herself in a horrible situation by continuing to make bad decisions. I don't have any words of advice or wisdom but I sympathize with you as a mom. I honestly do not know what I would do if my oldest were in that position. It is very easy for me to sit here and spout off "what I would do" but realistically, no one knows what they would do unless faced with that situation. Many hugs to you and your family.
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Feb 6, 2014 8:57:12 GMT -5
Some of us don't believe in abortion. Regardless of what situation I found myself in, I could never kill my child. Some people might not agree with it. But it is legal. [insert deadpan face] <sorry couldn't resist> Back to being serious, it is a viable option. If the daughter has a troubled past, havin one more kid, can break the camel's back. I don't know the entire history, so it's hard to say what the best choice would be. Well, the best choice would be the one that the daughter can live with. But, we are obviously getting ahead of ourselves. I have no idea what you are trying to say. Legal or not, abortion is not something I would ever consider so I was replying to the comment "has she considered abortion"....I guess I don't get your joke
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Sunnyday
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Post by Sunnyday on Feb 6, 2014 9:00:31 GMT -5
Some people might not agree with it. But it is legal. [insert deadpan face] <sorry couldn't resist> Back to being serious, it is a viable option. If the daughter has a troubled past, havin one more kid, can break the camel's back. I don't know the entire history, so it's hard to say what the best choice would be. Well, the best choice would be the one that the daughter can live with. But, we are obviously getting ahead of ourselves. I have no idea what you are trying to say. Legal or not, abortion is not something I would ever consider so I was replying to the comment "has she considered abortion"....I guess I don't get your joke It was a reference to the SUV car thread. Your argument was that it was legal to have a SUV, so that you don't need to justify yourself. It was a joke but like they say if you have to explain a joke. It wasn't funny. oh well.. Ignore everyone else.
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The Captain
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Post by The Captain on Feb 6, 2014 9:05:38 GMT -5
Pink - I am really sorry you are going through this.
However, as long as you continue to enable your daughter, she has no reason whatsoever to stop making poor choices because there really are no consequences.
She has choices, She can (although I don't agree with this) get an abortion She can give the baby up for adoption and greatly improve at least four lives, hers, her son's, the baby's and at least one parent who adopts them. Let's face it, she's currently making a very unstable life for the first child she's already created. She can continue to act like an idiot and rely on her mom as a crutch to prop her up because there is now a grandchild to use as a hostage.
You have choices Tell her you'll the the grandson move in (but not the daughter) while she figures out how she's going to handle this. Tell her you're sorry about the situation she's gotten herself into and how does she plan to address it without (once again) relying on you. Or, you can continue to allow yourself to be a doormat and have her disrupt your life because she won't grow up and get it together.
One time, maybe, you help her out but she is clearly (and quickly) establishing a pattern of making very poor choices by what you've described. You've already said she doesn't listen to you, so why should she expect you to support her?
There are plenty of charities out there - she should look into them.
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The Captain
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Post by The Captain on Feb 6, 2014 9:13:11 GMT -5
I also have to add that DH was adopted. He recently found his birth mothers' family and let me tell you it was the best damn thing that could have happened to him. His birth mother was a wreck until she died at a relatively young age from her lifestyle (late 40's), but not before she had 6 more kids whom she kept and totally messed up their lives.
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