A Vent About Family

[Shooby]

I have no real advice. Other than that are lives are about much more than us. And your daughter is struggling with poor choices. And no matter I would always tend to open my home to my daughter. Some of our adult kids are just goig to struggle and who else does she have . I know it is a lot of chaos but consider that many grandparents have little contact with their grandparents. You didn't choose this situation. It has chosen you. Somake it the best it can be.

[CarolinaKat]

*hugs* I wish you th best pink. THis situation sucks

[Shooby]

A friend of mine wound up with 2 young grandkids because her daughter and bf were on drugs. At first my friend was very angry. She wanted her alone time. Finally she realized it wasn't the fault of those kids so she threw herself into raising them and is at all the events , president of the Booster club , etc . Not what she envisioned for retirement but she ran with it.

[mmhmm]

Thecaptain has covered the situation very well, IMO.  Have you and your dd actually sat down and talked this out, Pink?  Has she told you what plans she has for her current situation and what she expects of herself, and of you?  Has she thought about this mess any further than to realize she's in a mess and it's HER mess?  Too often, young people who make bad decisions just sit there and expect someone else to pull them out of the mud.  Once enabled, they'll continue to make bad decisions because they don't have to reap the results - someone else does. The young person, therefore, learns little other than to use others.

My daughter went through a very rough spot in her early twenties.  Thankfully, there were no children involved.  DH and I did all we could to try to teach her what was going wrong but she wasn't having any.  Finally, DH and I had to tell her we'd washed our hands of it.  She was on her own.  If she became ill, or had an accident, or was otherwise incapacitated, we'd be there for her.  Otherwise, she was going to have to work her life out and make some plans that included something beyond the current moment.  It took a couple of years for her to get herself straightened out and it was a mean learning curve.   Still, she did it and she did it on her own, for the most part.  The lessons learned, according to her, have been invaluable to her.  Today, in her 50s, she's one of the most resourceful, kind, giving people I know and lives a happy, productive life.

[bookkeeper]

I would suggest a parenting class. Maybe by learning how to be a good parent to the child that is already here, she will also learn that her current lifestyle/poor choices are harming her child(ren).  Hopefully she can learn to make good decisions with the welfare of her children given first consideration.

I am somewhat familiar with Lutheran Social Services. LSS provides parenting classes, diapers for children and adoption services.  Not everyone knows how to be a mother or a parent.  There are people who can teach her.

I am sure the professionals at a parenting class would be able to direct your daughter to the safety nets that exist for someone in her situation.

[giramomma]

Feb 6, 2014 9:48:18 GMT -5 bookkeeper said:

I would suggest a parenting class. Maybe by learning how to be a good parent to the child that is already here, she will also learn that her current lifestyle/poor choices are harming her child(ren).  Hopefully she can learn to make good decisions with the welfare of her children given first consideration.

But, to me, some people don't equate abstaining from sex or picking wrong people to date as poor parenting decisions. I'm not familiar with parenting classes, but do they really teach these things?

I'm looking at parenting classes offered through the united way. They talk about basic car seat safety, not shaking your baby, how to properly breastfeed, and discipline suggestions.  I guess, I don't think parenting classes are going to fix whatever is inside of Pink's daughter that needs fixing.

Deep down, pink's daughter may love her kids. For some folks, they think that's enough, and will bristle at the fact that they may not be good parents or should not be having kids.

[Deleted]

Feb 5, 2014 23:02:58 GMT -5 Tennesseer said:

PC-between you and your daughter's father, could you afford a one bedroom apartment for her? Let her live for a while on her own and learn what a struggle life truely is when you make bad decisions. Continued rental support would be contingent upon her seeking work and/or continued education.

-yeahthat-Then, she needs to find a job.   But be prepared to hear that she cannot work because she has to stay home and watch the children.   Let her...not you....be the one to figure that one out.

[swamp]

I have no words of wisdom, Pink. I'm sorry you have to deal with this.

As much as it hurts, I think you have to tell her that she's on her own and drive her down to the social services offices to sign up.    

I'd also have a talk about adoption, and having her tubes tied, or getting some kind of implant for birth control.

[bean29]

Pink,

First of all Hugs. 

I agree Captain summarized the situation pretty well.

I do believe in Abortion, but don't know if it is the best choice for your DD - only she can make that decision.  I do believe if you want to make that decision, you should hold your cards close to your chest so to speak - if she makes that decision now- the explanation is miscarriage.

In 1981 my DS was 19 and pregnant.  They had just started building a low income complex near my parent's house.  My Mom contacted social services and the building management and got DS on a waiting list to get in.

My sister lived at home until my DN was born and shortly after that the apartment complex was ready and DS was lucky to get in.  DS was working and  her rent was set at a % of her income.  The social worker told my Mom that it was important for my DN to have a differentation between Mom and Grandma and to have his own "home" and bedroom etc.

My Mom did not babysit - initially it was Mom's next door neighbor and later a young Mother with a child the same age.  Later when DN was in gradeschool my DN asked my Mom if he could come there after school and my parents started to do Afterschool care.  My sister has never had it easy, but she first earned an  AS in Accounting and now has her BS.  My Nephew has a MS degree and teaches HS. 

I know privacy laws are much stricter now, but I think you should push your DD to establish her independence.    Look for what ever social services are available and look into low income housing.  I also recommend you DD use Depo shots for birthcontrol - One shot every couple of months, no pills to remember daily.  I started Depo about 10 years ago becasue I frequently forgot a pill.  I never got pregnant - put the stress was driving me nuts. 

I wish you luck.  We will be here for you as you work through this with your daughter.

[constanz22]

Feb 6, 2014 10:23:29 GMT -5 giramomma said:

Feb 6, 2014 9:48:18 GMT -5 bookkeeper said:

I would suggest a parenting class. Maybe by learning how to be a good parent to the child that is already here, she will also learn that her current lifestyle/poor choices are harming her child(ren).  Hopefully she can learn to make good decisions with the welfare of her children given first consideration.

But, to me, some people don't equate abstaining from sex or picking wrong people to date as poor parenting decisions. I'm not familiar with parenting classes, but do they really teach these things?

I'm looking at parenting classes offered through the united way. They talk about basic car seat safety, not shaking your baby, how to properly breastfeed, and discipline suggestions.  I guess, I don't think parenting classes are going to fix whatever is inside of Pink's daughter that needs fixing.

Deep down, pink's daughter may love her kids. For some folks, they think that's enough, and will bristle at the fact that they may not be good parents or should not be having kids.

I teach parenting skills classes, and yeah, I agree, some of that more fundamental decision making is NOT something that can really be "taught".

[souldoubt]

I know a set of grandparents who have raised their granddaughter (now in high school) and had custody of her since she was probably 6 months old.  Their daughter got pregnant in her early 20's when she was in no position financially or mentally to raise a child.  The grandparents took custody of the child because they knew for the kid to have a fighting chance the mom couldn't be responsible for her.  I'm not bringing this up saying the OP should go this route merely pointing out that at a point these people knew that their daughter was beyond their help.  You always hope that people will change but at a point if they don't do it on their own you can't be the one to bail them out for their life choices.  

The daughter is now in her late 30's, had another kid in the last few years with a guy who can't keep a job, she has no job of her own and is getting government assistance.  She says horrible things to her parents because they don't bail her out or give her money and even when she calls they don't want to answer the phone because they know she wants something.  For Christmas or birthdays they buy the grandson things he needs rather than giving any kind of money or gift cards because the daughter will waste cash.  You can tell it isn't easy on the grandparents but they've spent almost 40 years raising kids between their own and then a grandchild and they aren't going to do it again.     

[spartan7886]

For the adoption scenario, remember the father gets first dibs, if he wants the child. I'm not sure I'd want him to have it (based purely on the description we have been given).

[tloonya]

Feb 5, 2014 22:25:01 GMT -5 @pinkcshmere said:

My daughter and her boyfriend moved into an apartment together a few months ago. I thought it was a bad idea when she told me her plan, but I didn't try to talk her out of it because she doesn't listen to me anyway. Less than a month after they moved, she started to realize she'd probably made a mistake. Now she's unemployed again, pregnant again, and her boyfriend wants her out of the apartment.

This isn't the first time it's come up, one time before, I told her she needs to ask her Dad if she can come over there because my help doesn't seem to help her since she was here for 2 years and didn't make any kind of progress during that time. Plus, I was so miserable and angry with the situation before, that I'd started spending the night elsewhere sometimes, just to get some peace and solitude. I don't want to live like that again.

I feel trapped. I don't think her Dad will let her stay there. I wouldn't be able to sleep at night, living by myself in a 3 bedroom house and my pregnant daughter and my grandson have no place to live. I can't insist she suck it up and work it out with the boyfriend, because sometimes he acts a damn fool when he drinks and I'm not confident that he won't hurt her and he's been very clear that he wants her out. That's a different ballgame than just having relationship issues.

Sometimes I just want to shake her a little, in hopes that her brains will unscramble so she can stop compounding her problems and get herself together. Other times I just want to cry because she's been obviously unhappy and confused for a while and she still just keeps making her life more complicated.

I enjoy living alone. Thinking about the possibility of her moving back into my small house with my grandson (who I love, love, love, but he's more than a notion to keep up with) and eventually a baby, is depressing. I don't even have a basement to let them live in lol.

I know you all probably can't tell me anything I don't already know. I'm under no illusions about the poor decisions my daughter is making. I guess I just needed to vent because I'm really unhappy at the moment.

So many years ago you gave birth to your DD. This was like a promise to love and to hold...so do it, darling.
I had seen so many people grow up after 30...40...getting their brains later in life.
I also saw just a week ago Mother who would have given anything to have her daughter back...

Please, remember that you gave her birth and you are the only person she can ask for help being kind of sure you are going to provide it for her. Take care of yourself and your daughter.

[The Captain]

Of course, enabling our kids to defer growing up or even *GASP* even keeping them from trying to act responsible is doing them such a favor.  They will absolutely appreciate the fact that they never learned to stand on their own two feet after you're gone...

[NancysSummerSip]

There's a big damned difference between loving and enabling. You can love your daughter and her kids, but enabling them will chain you to this cycle forever. And her kids will pick up on it and do the same thing. You've already done the raising of your child, and she's not a child anymore.

Don't be guilted into thinking you have to have her living with you because of the kids. She needs to contact as many social services as your area has, and use as many as she is eligible for. You are not the Bank of Parents at this point. She made her decisions and she has to work with and through them.

[Shooby]

It's a very difficult situation any way you look at it. Hard to know what to do.

[Sum Dum Gai]

How far along is the pregnancy?  Is abortion still an option?  She'll still be unemployed, a single mother, and either homeless or living with mom, but she doesn't need to add to her problems right now either.

[NancysSummerSip]

Feb 6, 2014 14:00:55 GMT -5 The Captain said:

Of course, enabling our kids to defer growing up or even *GASP* even keeping them from trying to act responsible is doing them such a favor.  They will absolutely appreciate the fact that they never learned to stand on their own two feet after you're gone...

This makes knowing what to do easier, painful though it may be. Pink, you will not be here forever. What kind of legacy are you leaving if your leave behind a child who cannot fend for themselves, but should be able to do so? I'm not giving the babydaddy any props here, and it's pretty apparent that he may never grow up and grow into his role. OK, fine. Your DD will have to face the painful fact that there will be life without him.

No one is suggesting completely abandoning her. You can help sensibly, without draining your own resources or sacrificing your sanity. But your DD has to accept that you have been there for her before, it has not worked, she went out and did more of the same. She has two feet she needs to stand on. You can put a firm and loving hand on her shoulder to steady her. Just don't put a two-by-four in her butt to prop her up completely.

[Peace Of Mind]

Pink, I'm so sorry you are having to go through this again.  (((Hugs)))  It would be easy for me to sit here and say that you need to put your foot down and give tough love, etc.  Intellectually that is how I think it should be.  But then when I think emotionally about your grand kids and how it may affect them (and your daughter) or them ending up in the streets I get how you would step up and try to help.  I would also say get tough with her and have a come to Jesus moment and say "Get your  head out of your ass!" but then I realize you want to see your grand kids and have a relationship with your daughter and that you don't want to push her away by doing that.  It all sucks.  The only thing I can suggest is that you two go in for some kind of counseling where the therapist could be the bad guy and say, in the best way, what needs to be said here. 

The situation is hard no matter how you look at it and I wish I had the answers for you.  Hang tough, girl! 

[tloonya]

Love will save the world!

[tloonya]

Feb 6, 2014 14:45:55 GMT -5 Peace Of Mind said:

Pink, I'm so sorry you are having to go through this again.  (((Hugs)))  It would be easy for me to sit here and say that you need to put your foot down and give tough love, etc.  Intellectually that is how I think it should be.  But then when I think emotionally about your grand kids and how it may affect them (and your daughter) or them ending up in the streets I get how you would step up and try to help.  I would also say get tough with her and have a come to Jesus moment and say "Get your  head out of your ass!" but then I realize you want to see your grand kids and have a relationship with your daughter and that you don't want to push her away by doing that.  It all sucks.  The only thing I can suggest is that you two go in for some kind of counseling where the therapist could be the bad guy and say, in the best way, what needs to be said here. 

The situation is hard no matter how you look at it and I wish I had the answers for you.  Hang tough, girl! 

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Do you have local pregnancy shelters/centers in your area?  I would point her towards those.  We have one that will help put you in contact with people to get aid, counseling and give limited monetary aid.

Then there is a set of actual clinics in Omaha that not only do t he above but provide low-cost/sliding scale pre-natal care.

You should also check the phonebook, there are several hotlines in mine for women in your daughter's position.  She can call one or even you can call and they'll point you towards local resources.

[Rocky Mtn Saver]

Feb 6, 2014 14:47:51 GMT -5 tloonya said:

Love will save the world!

But too much enabling will ruin it. 

[NancysSummerSip]

Feb 6, 2014 15:07:02 GMT -5 Rocky Mtn Saver said:

Feb 6, 2014 14:47:51 GMT -5 tloonya said:

Love will save the world!

But too much enabling will ruin it. 

And knowing the difference between the two will let the world run its course without financial ruin, loss of sanity and the cycle of dependency.

<<Wonders where Loony found all the sparkly unicorns and rainbow farts>>

[Sum Dum Gai]

Loony spoils the crap out of her kids.  She's always on the side of treating grown adults like 12 year olds.

[tloonya]

Please, everyone note that Pink as a loving and carring mother wrote:
I wouldn't be able to sleep at night, living by myself in a 3 bedroom house and my pregnant daughter and my grandson have no place to live.

She said she wouldn't send her kids to no suggested shelter!!! Seems like some people trying to change her mind about it. I hope it is not going to happen.

[tloonya]

Feb 6, 2014 15:10:29 GMT -5 NancysSummerSip said:

Feb 6, 2014 15:07:02 GMT -5 Rocky Mtn Saver said:

But too much enabling will ruin it. 

And knowing the difference between the two will let the world run its course without financial ruin, loss of sanity and the cycle of dependency.

<<Wonders where Loony found all the sparkly unicorns and rainbow farts>>

Those were yours, Nancy. You lost it, I found it!
but seriously what ta heck do you mean? What unicorns and farts?

[Rocky Mtn Saver]

So, Looney, if Pink is totally responsible to provide a home and financial support for her grown daughter because she gave birth to her, isn't Pink's daughter responsible for providing a home and fianncial support for her own children because she gave birth to them? 

[souldoubt]

I don't think people are trying to change her mind as much as they're trying to point out that she could end up getting taken advantage of in that situation.  She said in her first post that the daughter was living with her for 2 years and didn't improve her situation.  Since then if anything it's gotten worse.  Nothing wrong with being kind or loving someone but too many people out there will use that against you if you let them.  

The woman I talked about in my post actually told her father that he was a bad grandfather because he doesn't buy her BS.  Mind you it's the same guy who has raised her daughter being there for his granddaughter financially and emotionally while the mother has little or nothing to do with her.  

[Rocky Mtn Saver]

Feb 6, 2014 15:23:10 GMT -5 souldoubt said:

I don't think people are trying to change her mind as much as they're trying to point out that she could end up getting taken advantage of in that situation.  She said in her first post that the daughter was living with her for 2 years and didn't improve her situation.  Since then if anything it's gotten worse.  Nothing wrong with being kind or loving someone but too many people out there will use that against you if you let them.  

The woman I talked about in my post actually told her father that he was a bad grandfather because he doesn't buy her BS.  Mind you it's the same guy who has raised her daughter being there for his granddaughter financially and emotionally while the mother has little or nothing to do with her.  

Agreed.  The daughter is a mother now, and she needs to learn to act like a mother, not like a carefree 12-year-old.  For the sake of the grandchildren who live in this situation.