The Home 6
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Post by The Home 6 on Aug 19, 2012 18:27:26 GMT -5
Caught between a rock and a hard place here, and looking for some advice. PLEASE!! Backstory-we just came back about 2 weeks ago from visiting my parents. Nice visit, Big Sarge said he had fun, but can't help but feeling he was bored without his Star Wars. (To be honest, I can't blame him.) However, I grew up there, I can find ways to keep myself busy. Mostly in the kitchen. We are moving to Alaska in December. My parents want to come for a visit in October, to see us before we leave. I brought this up with Big Sarge, he is on the fence, thinks that my folks have an unhealthy (obsessive) relationship with our children. (More backstory-just because I've had too much wine and am feeling chatty and it could be a contributing factor- I gave up my first child for adoption. It really hit my mother hard. This could be why she is very attached to my daughters. That, and they are her only grandchildren. Now the problem. They bought plane tickets. They are coming in October, with my Grandma. Big Sarge is not going to be here, he will be up at an NCO school. But here is the question-Should I even tell him that they are coming? I know the kids can't keep a secret. They've already spent the money on plane tickets. GAH!! Please help!!e
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 19, 2012 18:30:19 GMT -5
Yes, tell him. You are moving to Alaska... its not like they will be popping in a lot. Its understandable they want to see grandkids. They don't have to be left alone with your kids...
I do wonder what he feels is 'unhealthy' ?? ...
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 19, 2012 18:33:25 GMT -5
Yes, you should tell him. And, you should also not have to tiptoe around the fact that your parents are involved in your kids' lives. The more people that love your children and the more close family ties they have and feel secure in the world, the better. And, they won't be here forever. As for being "obsessed", yes, that is how grandparents are supposed to be. My mom absolutely adored and did back flips to be with my kids and do whatever she could to be with them. And, now she is in a home and the loss of that close relationship was hard on them. But, i am grateful she had a close presence in their lives and i would nuture the same for your kids.
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suesinfl
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Post by suesinfl on Aug 19, 2012 18:35:00 GMT -5
Tell him. How long will it be after you move to Alaska will they see the grandkids again? I also wonder why he feels it is "unhealthy".
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Jaguar
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Post by Jaguar on Aug 19, 2012 18:39:41 GMT -5
Tell him. How long will it be after you move to Alaska will they see the grandkids again? I also wonder why he feels it is "unhealthy".
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The Home 6
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Post by The Home 6 on Aug 19, 2012 18:41:53 GMT -5
I don't know why he uses the word "unhealthy". Is it because my parents come to see us twice a year? It has been over a year and a half since his stepmother has seen us, and before that it was over a year as well. She lives a 12 hour drive away. For my parents, it is over a 25 hour drive.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 19, 2012 18:46:12 GMT -5
Um, my parents used to see us pretty much every week. My parents were heavily involved in our lives. And, i wouldn' t have had it any other way. They were welcome in our home anytime and could pretty much come and go in our home as they pleased. That does not mean they walked over us or weren't respectful. But, it was clear to DH that my parents were always going to be a very close part of my/our lives and our kids. And, eventually, after my dad passed, i moved my mom to a small apt a couple of blocks from our house.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 19, 2012 18:47:12 GMT -5
I am a bit curious why you would feel you have to keep this a secret? Does you husband have a big angry blowout or something or make remarks to make you feel that is somehow wrong?
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The Home 6
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Post by The Home 6 on Aug 19, 2012 18:50:20 GMT -5
Big Sarge's stepsister and children LIVE with his stepmother. As far as I know, she has never lived away from her mother for any significant length of time (including her marriage). THAT is unhealthy. What you describe, shooby- TOTALLY normal. I do this all the time, point out what other people in my sphere of knowledge are doing and say "See, what I'm doing isn't THAT bad!"
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The Home 6
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Post by The Home 6 on Aug 19, 2012 18:51:58 GMT -5
I am a bit curious why you would feel you have to keep this a secret? Does you husband have a big angry blowout or something or make remarks to make you feel that is somehow wrong? Sorry, I was replying to your other response when you typed this one. We discussed it last night, and he is not really sure that he wants them to come. "They just saw the kids", "It's really unhealthy, the relationship they have with them", etc. I suck at arguing with him. ETA- "And you will be in school, DD1 will be in school, what will they do all day?"
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 19, 2012 18:53:18 GMT -5
I have yet to hear ANYTHING that says your parents have an "unhealthy or obsessive" relationship with you or your kids.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 19, 2012 18:55:48 GMT -5
I am a bit curious why you would feel you have to keep this a secret? Does you husband have a big angry blowout or something or make remarks to make you feel that is somehow wrong? Sorry, I was replying to your other response when you typed this one. We discussed it last night, and he is not really sure that he wants them to come. "They just saw the kids", "It's really unhealthy, the relationship they have with them", etc. I suck at arguing with him. ETA- "And you will be in school, DD1 will be in school, what will they do all day?"[/quote Um, why do you have to argue at all? What does what they will do have to do with anything? You don't have to argue at all. I would say, Dear, my parents are coming to visit us and the kids, how wonderful". Period. I really don't see what is to discuss. I don't know you or him but from what you described he sounds a bit overcontrolling? Is that the case or just some kind of thing where he may just not like your parents?
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Aug 19, 2012 18:56:57 GMT -5
Well, I think it's more unhealthy for a wife not to tell her husband that her parents want to visit.....
I also think it's pretty unhealthy not to want your children to know their grandparents (unless there is something seriously wrong with grandparents)
I am not sure what kind of help you are looking for, but your DH's behavior sounds pretty unhealthy and controlling
Lena
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mollyanna58
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Post by mollyanna58 on Aug 19, 2012 18:58:19 GMT -5
I seriously don't think seeing the grandkids twice within a few months is "unhealthy". Due to your upcoming move, it may be a while before they see them again. There's no reason to hide the visit. Use your moxie!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 19, 2012 18:59:40 GMT -5
moxie?
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mollyanna58
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Post by mollyanna58 on Aug 19, 2012 19:02:26 GMT -5
moxie? signature line
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 19, 2012 19:03:27 GMT -5
I do have some women friends who feel that they have to always "justify" what they do to their spouses. And, i really do not understand that. I am a grown woman. I will do what i choose to do and he him. We don't have to "justify" to each other. My friend would like to get a gym membership, but she has to first "prove" to her DH that she is actually going to exercise first by exercising in the basement or something like that. that is just so bizarre to me. They are both high earning medical professionals with no kids, no debt and lots of money in the bank. So, if that were me, i would just go buy what i want. I would not find that acceptable in a relationship.
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The Home 6
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Post by The Home 6 on Aug 19, 2012 19:15:07 GMT -5
My moxie only works with dumb-ass lieutenants...
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 19, 2012 19:16:46 GMT -5
You go girl! ;D
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resolution
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Post by resolution on Aug 19, 2012 19:22:44 GMT -5
I don't know if I have you confused with another poster, but aren't you sending monthly financial support to his mother and wasn't he planning to forgo retirement savings so he could buy her a house? I would be very concerned if my family were sacrificing to support his mom while he refused to allow my mom to visit and see the kids. Is the conflict about your parents related to the conflict you had about supporting his mom?
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Aug 19, 2012 19:25:21 GMT -5
Sorry, but Big sarge sounds like a control freak douche canoe. Grandparents seeing their only grand kids twice a year and wanting to see them before they move to Alaska isn't unhealthy, it's normal.
You don't have to justify it, just do it. I'd tell him to go eff himself, but I'm not known for being nice.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 19, 2012 19:27:31 GMT -5
Honestly, i can't help but feeling a little 'red flag' go up for me... Admittedly, i am hearing only a little bit... but i can't imagine how someone would judge seeing grandparents twice a year as 'unhealthy'? ... is there something about their behavior while they are there that makes him uneasy? Otherwise, it seems like controlling behavior to me... isolationist... especially when you add the feeling that you have to ask for permission for your parents to visit
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 19, 2012 19:27:42 GMT -5
I agree swamp. I was trying to hint around at that but since you have blurted it out, i agree. HE is the one who is being unhealthy and obsessive and the fact that you feel that you have to tip toe around his moods makes me think this has been going on so long that you think that is somewhat normal. It isn't.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Aug 19, 2012 19:32:19 GMT -5
I'm not seeing a little red flag, I'm seeing a really big one billowing in the breeze.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 19, 2012 19:35:00 GMT -5
I was trying to ease into the idea...
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 19, 2012 19:45:52 GMT -5
Do you want to move to Alaska?
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Aug 19, 2012 19:47:05 GMT -5
Oh, Home 6, I know you were hoping Alaska would be a nice step away from his family but it can also being very isolated. You need to work on some healthy boundaries, both of you. Even his name is creepy.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Aug 19, 2012 19:51:01 GMT -5
No, you re not.
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Pants
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Post by Pants on Aug 19, 2012 20:08:07 GMT -5
I will not comment on the Big Sarge aspect, but wanted to give an example of "obsessive" grandparents. They totally exist, whether they exist in Home 6's case, I can't say. My SIL's in-laws are what I would call "obsessive" grandparents. It creeps me out to be around them at joint functions (kid birthdays, etc.). I don't know how to describe it, it is like they display all the normal grandparent behavior, but just to one extra added degree that makes it creepy. They watch the kids ALL the time - like, not just watch, but stare with this sort of fanatical, almost predatory glee in their eyes. They are unable to hold conversations about subjects other than the kids when the kids are in the room, because they are too busy staring. 95% of their conversation involves repeating the kids' actions or words back to each other, e.g., "He just said he wants some apple!!!!" "He sure did, he just said he wants some apple, that's what he said!!!" Note, they don't move to fill this need, they just repeat it a lot. They go above and beyond with gifts, sweets, etc., which I think is normal, but, like, the grandma spent 12 hours making and decorating my nephew's birthday cake. 12 hours for a cake for a 2 year old. But they also have no social skills beyond that, (like telling my husband that the duet he and his brother did at his sister's wedding was not good enough - as just general conversation AT the wedding...) so it makes the obsessiveness even creepier, because it's like the only thing they've got.
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Aug 19, 2012 20:11:32 GMT -5
Big Sarge?? do people really call their husbands that?
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