giramomma
Distinguished Associate
Joined: Feb 3, 2011 11:25:27 GMT -5
Posts: 21,356
|
Post by giramomma on Aug 20, 2012 8:48:03 GMT -5
Home-
Have you read "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend? This might be something good for you, to learn about boundaries. Boundaries aren't meant to punish/discipline/change another person's behavior. They are meant to keep you physically, emotionally, and mentally safe and healthy.
Like the others, I wouldn't tolerate such behavior from my husband. But, then, the other side is that I wouldn't pick a husband who behaved like that.
If your husband has behaved like this since you've known him, you might find it helpful thinking about why you chose him to be your life partner.
I know I chose to ignore a (huge) red flag from my husband while we were dating and engaged. I am lucky in that we are still able to work it out. But, my husband also wanted to change his behavior. You may have to accept that your husband may not want to change his behavior towards you and act accordingly.
|
|
CarolinaKat
Junior Associate
Joined: Dec 21, 2010 16:10:37 GMT -5
Posts: 6,364
|
Post by CarolinaKat on Aug 20, 2012 8:49:45 GMT -5
ImAnAngel-I shouldn't be keeping things from him, that's true. It doesn't seem reasonable for him to say "No" to my family coming to visit before we move to AK, when he isn't even going to be here. Apropos of something, though I am not sure of what- I had an epiphany this morning. I told Big Sarge last night that the only time I feel some measure of peace is when I am sitting in front of my sewing machine, making a quilt to give away. He countered with that I should be able to channel that into making a meal, cleaning a house, etc. My ephiphany was this-when I am in front of the sewing machine, no one is telling me what to do. "You need to sweep the floor after every meal". "This has too much onion". NOPE. A quilt looks pretty. And then I give it away and make someone happy. Home 6. I love you honey. But THIS. IS. NOT. NORMAL. You're a wonderful competent woman and he should treat you as such and he doesn't. This needs to change
|
|
happyhoix
Distinguished Associate
Joined: Oct 7, 2011 7:22:42 GMT -5
Posts: 20,903
|
Post by happyhoix on Aug 20, 2012 9:10:25 GMT -5
Home I also don't want you to feel like people are picking on you, but I have to agree that this is not a normal lifestyle.
In our house, DH does not critique how I clean. Nor do I critique how he cleans. He has an issue with how I load the dishwasher, so often he will go behind me, unload it and load it the way he likes it to be loaded. I'm fine with that, as long as he doesn't try to make me adher to what I consider to be an anal-retentive way of loading a dishwasher. I have an issue with how he fails to sort the laundry, so I asked him years ago if I could be the one responsible for the washing (although he does sometimes take the clean clothes out of the dryer and folds them). This is what a normal marriage looks like.
The only way this is an acceptable lifestyle is if you like to be treated this way. Some people need to be controlled. Some women like to have a daddy figure in charge of everything, including them. If this is the way you are wired, you will enjoy living this way. If you don't enjoy living this way (and it sounds from your comment about quilting that you don't) then you need to get some counseling to figure out how to change it. You allow this to continue, but you don't have to.
My concern is that most abusive men try to control their wives by limiting their contact with friends and family. I'm worried that your DH wants to keep your parents away because they are your support system - and that's exactly why you need to keep them close.
|
|
Opti
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 10:45:38 GMT -5
Posts: 39,728
Location: New Jersey
Mini-Profile Name Color: c28523
Mini-Profile Text Color: 990033
|
Post by Opti on Aug 20, 2012 9:11:09 GMT -5
Reading about the sweeping of the floor and the onion made me sad. Not cool. Not normal.
That may be why no one picked up on what's been bothering me a bit about this. It sounds the way Home 6 tells it that they were discussing whether her parents should come and pre-emptively the parents booked tickets before a decision was reached. I wonder if Home 6 told them about the NCO time and the parents ignored Home 6 just like Big Sarge does and chose to book tickets without even getting an OK from their daughter.
While I think its normal for grandparents to want to see their kids, its not cool and hopefully still abnormal for grands to force their travel plans on the people they plan to visit. I hope it all works out, but I wonder if perhaps Home 6's parents have occasionally steam rolled over her just like Big Sarge and that's why she is used to it and puts up with it.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: May 7, 2024 13:14:38 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Aug 20, 2012 9:11:31 GMT -5
Home I also don't want you to feel like people are picking on you, but I have to agree that this is not a normal lifestyle. In our house, DH does not critique how I clean. Nor do I critique how he cleans. He has an issue with how I load the dishwasher, so often he will go behind me, unload it and load it the way he likes it to be loaded. I'm fine with that, as long as he doesn't try to make me adher to what I consider to be an anal-retentive way of loading a dishwasher. I have an issue with how he fails to sort the laundry, so I asked him years ago if I could be the one responsible for the washing (although he does sometimes take the clean clothes out of the dryer and folds them). This is what a normal marriage looks like. The only way this is an acceptable lifestyle is if you like to be treated this way. Some people need to be controlled. Some women like to have a daddy figure in charge of everything, including them. If this is the way you are wired, you will enjoy living this way. If you don't enjoy living this way (and it sounds from your comment about quilting that you don't) then you need to get some counseling to figure out how to change it. You allow this to continue, but you don't have to. My concern is that most abusive men try to control their wives by limiting their contact with friends and family. I'm worried that your DH wants to keep your parents away because they are your support system - and that's exactly why you need to keep them close.Yes and yes!
|
|
|
Post by BeenThere...DoneThat... on Aug 20, 2012 9:21:13 GMT -5
Reading about the sweeping of the floor and the onion made me sad. Not cool. Not normal. That may be why no one picked up on what's been bothering me a bit about this. It sounds the way Home 6 tells it that they were discussing whether her parents should come and pre-emptively the parents booked tickets before a decision was reached. I wonder if Home 6 told them about the NCO time and the parents ignored Home 6 just like Big Sarge does and chose to book tickets without even getting an OK from their daughter. While I think its normal for grandparents to want to see their kids, its not cool and hopefully still abnormal for grands to force their travel plans on the people they plan to visit. I hope it all works out, but I wonder if perhaps Home 6's parents have occasionally steam rolled over her just like Big Sarge and that's why she is used to it and puts up with it. ...this is an excellent point to bring up and consider its weight...
|
|
Green Eyed Lady
Senior Associate
Look inna eye! Always look inna eye!
Joined: Jan 23, 2012 11:23:55 GMT -5
Posts: 19,629
|
Post by Green Eyed Lady on Aug 20, 2012 9:21:55 GMT -5
I do have a question, Home. Did your parents talk with you first before buying plane tickets? It sounds like, since you and Big Sarge hadn't talked it through beforehand, that they kind of just called and said, "We bought tickets, are bringing Grandma and will be there on the 29th." Could this be part of Big Sarge's issue?
|
|
Green Eyed Lady
Senior Associate
Look inna eye! Always look inna eye!
Joined: Jan 23, 2012 11:23:55 GMT -5
Posts: 19,629
|
Post by Green Eyed Lady on Aug 20, 2012 9:22:23 GMT -5
Ooops! I see someone already asked this.
|
|
|
Post by BeenThere...DoneThat... on Aug 20, 2012 9:24:13 GMT -5
Homes 6, he sounds more controlling with every new detail that you post. I agree he needs to be told and not asked that your parents are coming to visit you. I hope you use your military coverage to get some personal counseling to understand why you have accepted that type of treatment as normal. It is totally not normal for a husband to control family visits and criticize daily tasks like cooking and cleaning. Are you working right now? If you are moved to an area in Alaska with jobs available, getting a part time job might help with your confidence and independence. Last I knew she want allowed to work even part time while the kids were in school. Home 6, a marriage shouldn't be like this. A man should not need to control every aspect of your life with you having no say. It means a lot that you see that with the while, that is a step. BTDT-I think a lot of us are remembering old threads, that's why we are so insistent on it being abnormal behavior. I agree it should not be hidden, but something needs to change. ...thanks, apple... that gives me an insight into why so many here are advocating her separating from a husband/family simply over a disagreement about the role of grandparents in the family... which was quite surprising to me... and you are right to point out that I am not considering any backstory here from other threads... I wasn't... I went on the OP alone...
|
|
|
Post by BeenThere...DoneThat... on Aug 20, 2012 9:32:22 GMT -5
mmhmm- I think you have the right of it, he is always bring up the fact that we see my parents "often" (his word). I don't know if he is resentful or perhaps jealous of the fact that my family will actually travel to see us, when his stepmother is unwilling or unable to do so. BTDT- it is our house, you are correct. He deserves the same consideration as I would if his family was visiting. A big sit-down converstaion is in order. Unfortunately, the college blocked Proboards. I will try to keep updated with my phone. ...yes, Home... it is your home... which is why I posted that in my initial response... you both have rights and privileges... I truly hope you two can get to a better understanding on this upcoming visit... as well as the sentiments behind his reluctance to open the home to your parents more than "x" times per year... ...and one another note... I can see that this thread could take on a life of its own to discuss reasons to stay married and reasons to separate... if you're okay with that, and/or with polling the audience here about that, then I, for one, would appreciate hearing your take on that prospect... I'd hate to think that the collective we on the thread inadvertently steam-roll you about your marriage, especially if you were simply wanting to focus on ironing out the particular issue about this grandparent visit...
|
|
|
Post by BeenThere...DoneThat... on Aug 20, 2012 9:40:18 GMT -5
I'm worried that your DH wants to keep your parents away because they are your support system - and that's exactly why you need to keep them close. ...this is also an excellent point to bring up and consider its weight... having said that, it would speak more to the marriage relationship itself, imo, and not to the grandparent visit in question...
|
|
Deleted
Joined: May 7, 2024 13:14:38 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Aug 20, 2012 9:44:01 GMT -5
The simplest solution to the grandparent quandary is to have them stay in a hotel while they're visiting.
The marriage relationship is not as cut and dried. Especially if Home 6 is OK with the current dynamic.
|
|
GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl
Senior Associate
"How you win matters." Ender, Ender's Game
Joined: Jan 2, 2011 13:33:09 GMT -5
Posts: 11,291
|
Post by GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl on Aug 20, 2012 9:49:25 GMT -5
Well, barring any disclosure that what Big Sarge considers "unhealthy" is abusive in any way (and it *may* be more a reflection of his own dysfunctional family dynamic), I'd like to add a little advice for The Home 6 and anyone else with parents and grandparents in the picture:
My kids have one grandfather (85, lives 3 hours away). The other 3 grandparents died or were incapacitated while my kids were very young. My kids never really knew their grandparents. My kids don't know what it was like when their grandmothers were small, how one grandfather came across the Atlantic from Ireland to Ellis Island at the age of 5 so his parents could seek a better life for him and his siblings, or what the Depression was like as a child, or if their teachers were mean, or what they did for fun growing up. My kids don't know about their grandparents' first loves, first jobs, the birth of their first children. My kids don't know what it was like to live in a large family. You get the picture.
Tell Big Sarge that the life cycle always wins and Alaska is far, far away. Let the grands and the great grand visit while they are able to do so. You want your kids to know their grandparents (AND great-grandmother!!). Who your kids are and will be is drawn from your ancestors. They have every right to know where they came from. Make sure your parents and your grandmother tell stories about *their* childhoods and adult lives while they visit -- even film them telling the stories. Go through old family pictures and LABEL all of the people in them!!!! Enjoy the visit and don't sweat the small stuff during it.
I know that extended family can sometimes be nosy and a PITA. But, I also know all too well that, all too soon, those stories and that family history will be gone with the people who tell them.
P.S. Beth: do your parents need/want to adopt me and my family? I'm willing to bet it's not always easy having your parents and in-laws around, but your family is/was my ideal.
|
|
Bluerobin
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 14:24:30 GMT -5
Posts: 17,345
Location: NEPA
|
Post by Bluerobin on Aug 20, 2012 9:57:40 GMT -5
Tell Sarge that if he ever wants to get any, now or in the future, your parents are coming. He can deal with it. A couple times a year are NOT excessive.
|
|
mmhmm
Administrator
It's a great pity the right of free speech isn't based on the obligation to say something sensible.
Joined: Dec 25, 2010 18:13:34 GMT -5
Posts: 31,770
Today's Mood: Saddened by Events
Location: Memory Lane
Favorite Drink: Water
|
Post by mmhmm on Aug 20, 2012 10:14:18 GMT -5
mmhmm- I think you have the right of it, he is always bring up the fact that we see my parents "often" (his word). I don't know if he is resentful or perhaps jealous of the fact that my family will actually travel to see us, when his stepmother is unwilling or unable to do so. BTDT- it is our house, you are correct. He deserves the same consideration as I would if his family was visiting. A big sit-down converstaion is in order. Unfortunately, the college blocked Proboards. I will try to keep updated with my phone. Oh, sweetie, yes. A discussion is definitely in order. Soon, you'll be moving far away from family, friends and the life you've known. "Big Sarge" sounds like he has some control issues as the result of his own disfunctional upbringing. These are going to need to be addressed and dealt with. Fortunately, being in the service, he has access to the help he may need to work through these issues. Being far from home and family is hard enough without someone trying to isolate you even further because they have unmet needs that haven't been addressed. This can be a real relationship-killer over time. It's not good for you, him, or the children ... not to mention your parents. I'm really sorry you're going through this. It's just plain difficult to deal with.
|
|
Wisconsin Beth
Distinguished Associate
No, we don't walk away. But when we're holding on to something precious, we run.
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 11:59:36 GMT -5
Posts: 30,626
|
Post by Wisconsin Beth on Aug 20, 2012 11:24:10 GMT -5
Reading about the sweeping of the floor and the onion made me sad. Not cool. Not normal. That may be why no one picked up on what's been bothering me a bit about this. It sounds the way Home 6 tells it that they were discussing whether her parents should come and pre-emptively the parents booked tickets before a decision was reached. I wonder if Home 6 told them about the NCO time and the parents ignored Home 6 just like Big Sarge does and chose to book tickets without even getting an OK from their daughter. While I think its normal for grandparents to want to see their kids, its not cool and hopefully still abnormal for grands to force their travel plans on the people they plan to visit. I hope it all works out, but I wonder if perhaps Home 6's parents have occasionally steam rolled over her just like Big Sarge and that's why she is used to it and puts up with it. ...this is an excellent point to bring up and consider its weight... I wondered about this too but I'm trying to get stuff done and so didn't touch it.
|
|
Wisconsin Beth
Distinguished Associate
No, we don't walk away. But when we're holding on to something precious, we run.
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 11:59:36 GMT -5
Posts: 30,626
|
Post by Wisconsin Beth on Aug 20, 2012 11:28:15 GMT -5
P.S. Beth: do your parents need/want to adopt me and my family? I'm willing to bet it's not always easy having your parents and in-laws around, but your family is/was my ideal. The more the merrier. My parents are used to having people ask to be adopted - it happened a lot when we were in high school...
|
|
The Home 6
Well-Known Member
Joined: Dec 25, 2010 21:24:57 GMT -5
Posts: 1,906
Location: Bourbon Country
Favorite Drink: Wine. With a wine chaser.
|
Post by The Home 6 on Aug 20, 2012 13:16:52 GMT -5
Ooh boy! Please forgive any typos ( or missed replies) in advance. I am on my Blackberry, waiting for DD1 to get out of school. Kari- I am not working now. I am a full time college student though, using up my GI Bill before it expires. I would like to get a job after I get my bachelor's but after being out of the workforce for so long, I am not optimistic. Rae- Big Sarge is very reserved when my family is around. My parents marriage is not the greatest by far. My dad talks down to my mom all the time, and its not right. But she puts up with him. Gira- have not read "Boundaries". But I will either get it on my Kindle or check it out from the library if I can. I have seen it mentioned on the boards here often. Happy- I go to a counselor for an issue unrelated to my marriage and had an appointment for tomorrow! But my doc had to reschedule. Opti- my folks called and said they would like to come down for thanksgiving if they could. I knew that wasn't going to work, because BS and I are planning on seeing his family then. I said BS would be gone in October and let me talk to him. Next thing I know, I got an email from Travelocity. GRG- so much this. I want my kids to know at least half of their roots.
|
|
|
Post by BeenThere...DoneThat... on Aug 20, 2012 13:25:52 GMT -5
Ooh boy! Please forgive any typos ( or missed replies) in advance. I am on my Blackberry, waiting for DD1 to get out of school. Kari- I am not working now. I am a full time college student though, using up my GI Bill before it expires. I would like to get a job after I get my bachelor's but after being out of the workforce for so long, I am not optimistic. Rae- Big Sarge is very reserved when my family is around. My parents marriage is not the greatest by far. My dad talks down to my mom all the time, and its not right. But she puts up with him. Gira- have not read "Boundaries". But I will either get it on my Kindle or check it out from the library if I can. I have seen it mentioned on the boards here often. Happy- I go to a counselor for an issue unrelated to my marriage and had an appointment for tomorrow! But my doc had to reschedule. Opti- my folks called and said they would like to come down for thanksgiving if they could. I knew that wasn't going to work, because BS and I are planning on seeing his family then. I said BS would be gone in October and let me talk to him. Next thing I know, I got an email from Travelocity. GRG- so much this. I want my kids to know at least half of their roots. ...thanks for the update... and out of curiosity, what are your thoughts about your parents having purchased the tickets before you confirmed their invitation?
|
|
tloonya
Junior Associate
What status?
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 16:22:13 GMT -5
Posts: 8,452
|
Post by tloonya on Aug 20, 2012 13:44:24 GMT -5
Big Sarge was bored without Star Wars??? Hoo is Big Sarge ? Your husband? You call him Big Sarge and his hobby is Star Wars? You have bigger problem than poarents coming...
|
|
Deleted
Joined: May 7, 2024 13:14:38 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Aug 20, 2012 13:45:35 GMT -5
LOL! We can always count on Loony to give us the straight dope.
|
|
tloonya
Junior Associate
What status?
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 16:22:13 GMT -5
Posts: 8,452
|
Post by tloonya on Aug 20, 2012 13:51:09 GMT -5
|
|
The Home 6
Well-Known Member
Joined: Dec 25, 2010 21:24:57 GMT -5
Posts: 1,906
Location: Bourbon Country
Favorite Drink: Wine. With a wine chaser.
|
Post by The Home 6 on Aug 20, 2012 14:09:25 GMT -5
BTDT- I wished they would have waited for me to say, "Yeah, sure come on down." I can kind of see Big Sarge's point of view- we did just see them, but then again, we ARE moving several time zones away soon.
Beer- "to give us the straight" or "to be a"? Potato/potahto/vodka.
|
|
|
Post by BeenThere...DoneThat... on Aug 20, 2012 14:16:45 GMT -5
BTDT- I wished they would have waited for me to say, "Yeah, sure come on down." I can kind of see Big Sarge's point of view- we did just see them, but then again, we ARE moving several time zones away soon. Beer- "to give us the straight" or "to be a"? Potato/potahto/vodka. ...LOL on the Potato/potahto/vodka pun... clever! ;D ...and as to your moving several time zones away... do you think that will prevent your parents from traveling there 1-2x/yr?
|
|
midjd
Administrator
Your Money Admin
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 14:09:23 GMT -5
Posts: 17,719
|
Post by midjd on Aug 20, 2012 14:17:06 GMT -5
Is it possible that they felt that if they'd waited to get the OK from you, Big Sarge would've nixed it?
|
|
The Home 6
Well-Known Member
Joined: Dec 25, 2010 21:24:57 GMT -5
Posts: 1,906
Location: Bourbon Country
Favorite Drink: Wine. With a wine chaser.
|
Post by The Home 6 on Aug 20, 2012 14:18:56 GMT -5
Mid, that is very possible. They are aware in his eyes, any more than 2 visits a year is 'excessive'. ETA-BTDT, my family will still come up and visit at least once a year. That is just what they have always been like. My family travels. It doesn't matter if the family reunion is on the other coast-we will travel to it.
|
|
tloonya
Junior Associate
What status?
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 16:22:13 GMT -5
Posts: 8,452
|
Post by tloonya on Aug 20, 2012 14:22:11 GMT -5
OH MY GODDDDDDDDD!!! Parents are coming and Big Sarge will not have enough time for Star Wars BEFORE the Alaska trip!
People are you seriously discussing this trolling thing...seriously??? What a problem!!!!!!! Let's all chip in and open 'Big Sarge 'temper tantrum'' fundraising !
|
|
|
Post by BeenThere...DoneThat... on Aug 20, 2012 14:22:42 GMT -5
Mid, that is very possible. They are aware in his eyes, any more than 2 visits a year is 'excessive'. ETA-BTDT, my family will still come up and visit at least once a year. That is just what they have always been like. My family travels. It doesn't matter if the family reunion is on the other coast-we will travel to it. ...hmm... so can this be viewed as a rebellious act on their part, to get their way? eta... new quote and response: ETA-BTDT, my family will still come up and visit at least once a year. That is just what they have always been like. My family travels. It doesn't matter if the family reunion is on the other coast-we will travel to it. ...so, iyo, is it fair to say that the upcoming move is not a major obstacle they'd face, which would prompt them to act on the "travel now or not for another #x years" approach?
|
|
tloonya
Junior Associate
What status?
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 16:22:13 GMT -5
Posts: 8,452
|
Post by tloonya on Aug 20, 2012 14:24:15 GMT -5
Mid, that is very possible. They are aware in his eyes, any more than 2 visits a year is 'excessive'. ETA-BTDT, my family will still come up and visit at least once a year. That is just what they have always been like. My family travels. It doesn't matter if the family reunion is on the other coast-we will travel to it. What a horrible family! How can you stand such people? And they probably have not even seen all Star Wars because of the stupid 'traveling'...
|
|
bean29
Junior Associate
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 22:26:57 GMT -5
Posts: 9,946
|
Post by bean29 on Aug 20, 2012 14:26:39 GMT -5
Big Sarge?? do people really call their husbands that? LOL I had friends in HS that called their Mom "The Warden" even her husband called her that. She knew they called her that. It was a close knit loving family. Mom's word was law.
|
|