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Post by Deleted on Aug 21, 2012 9:55:42 GMT -5
No one posts in a vacuum. Taking the OP in context with the OP's past posts on her husband, it's not beyond the scope to wonder whether her husband is being unreasonable, rather than her parents. If you feel compelled to hide your parents' visit from your husband because he wouldn't approve - and Home 6 has NEVER stated that her parents are anything but loving grandparents to her kids - that is not healthy. I agree that it is natural to bring past posts into a discussion. My point is that the only problem she sees is that Big Sarge is going to be mad that her parents are coming to town. She has also never said that she doesn't want the life she has with him.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Aug 21, 2012 9:56:04 GMT -5
Threads don't exist in a vacuum.
He doesn't want to limit visits to twice a year. He doesn't want them to happen.
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Post by BeenThere...DoneThat... on Aug 21, 2012 9:56:22 GMT -5
I took the OP in a slightly different tone - she was "screwed" because she didn't want to explain to BS that her parents were coming, and was wondering if it was OK to just not tell him, since he wouldn't be around anyway. No one posts in a vacuum. Taking the OP in context with the OP's past posts on her husband, it's not beyond the scope to wonder whether her husband is being unreasonable, rather than her parents. If you feel compelled to hide your parents' visit from your husband because he wouldn't approve - and Home 6 has NEVER stated that her parents are anything but loving grandparents to her kids - that is not healthy. ...absolutely... ...she has since come to the thread to say that she will be speaking with her parents about their actions... as well as speaking to her husband about coming up with a new understanding about the twice yearly rule... which, presumably, she agreed to at some point... in some way... ...and I sure hope they all can get on the same page... ...and fwiw, I'd find a thread about excessive grandparent involvement interesting, too...
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wvugurl26
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Post by wvugurl26 on Aug 21, 2012 9:57:37 GMT -5
Eh. I get it. Dark has family members that i'd be pissed about showing up more than once a year for an hour . Of course, when I say "unhealthy" I mean for them, because I may have to murder them. If they weren't a bad influence on your kids and you wouldn't be home would you still be pissed? From what I got BS considers two visits or more unhealthy bc his family can't be bothered to visit. Her family can't visit but its fine to support able bodied members of his family so they can have their cigs and not have to work.
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Post by BeenThere...DoneThat... on Aug 21, 2012 9:58:07 GMT -5
Threads don't exist in a vacuum. He doesn't want to limit visits to twice a year. He doesn't want them to happen. ...I'll have to reread, because I missed the part that he doesn't want visits to happen at all... that would be my oversight, my bad...
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973beachbum
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Post by 973beachbum on Aug 21, 2012 9:58:43 GMT -5
Multiple posters have said that they are responding based on the totality of Home6's posts about her marriage, not just this thread. A little surprised you haven't seen these comments, since a couple were directed at you: ...true... this is why I referenced that in THIS thread, Home 6 has expressed in the OP and since the OP that she is feeling "screwed" because her parents purchased tickets to come visit, prior to receiving an invitation, after having been told, "I'll let you know", and while being fully aware that her husband has asked to limit grandparents visits to twice yearly...
...if she started a thread about excessive grandparent visits, then I'd expect we'd have an even more lively discussion, huh?From the OP this wouldn't be the third time this year. This would be the second time they saw them this year and the last time before they move to Alaska. If they were crazy/drug addicts or something I could understand this thread, but everyone keeps making posts about how they wouldn't want their family to see them that often. I personally think DH's family is more than a few fries short of a happy meal, and even I wouldn't say that.
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Post by BeenThere...DoneThat... on Aug 21, 2012 10:00:02 GMT -5
Eh. I get it. Dark has family members that i'd be pissed about showing up more than once a year for an hour . Of course, when I say "unhealthy" I mean for them, because I may have to murder them. If they weren't a bad influence on your kids and you wouldn't be home would you still be pissed? ...fwiw, I'd be both hurt and angry...
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Post by Deleted on Aug 21, 2012 10:01:27 GMT -5
I don't think Sarge said "no visits ever" (which is completely unreasonable). I'd wager it was more like "I don't like having your parents visit all the time" which is just venting (IMO).
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wvugurl26
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Post by wvugurl26 on Aug 21, 2012 10:07:04 GMT -5
If they weren't a bad influence on your kids and you wouldn't be home would you still be pissed? ...fwiw, I'd be both hurt and angry... I'd find it justifiable if the grandparents were around all the time, bad people, meddling in parents business, etc. Based on the information given which is all I can go on, her parents are good people who just want to see their grandkids. I think objecting to two visits in a year is unreasonable. To me if you act like a child saying you just don't want them around, then you don't get the same respect and consideration I'd give a reasonable adult. How its such an awful thing for her parents to visit while he's gone I don't know. God forbid she get to spend some time with her parents or have a little break from the kids.
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Post by BeenThere...DoneThat... on Aug 21, 2012 10:07:55 GMT -5
...true... this is why I referenced that in THIS thread, Home 6 has expressed in the OP and since the OP that she is feeling "screwed" because her parents purchased tickets to come visit, prior to receiving an invitation, after having been told, "I'll let you know", and while being fully aware that her husband has asked to limit grandparents visits to twice yearly...
...if she started a thread about excessive grandparent visits, then I'd expect we'd have an even more lively discussion, huh?From the OP this wouldn't be the third time this year. This would be the second time they saw them this year and the last time before they move to Alaska. If they were crazy/drug addicts or something I could understand this thread, but everyone keeps making posts about how they wouldn't want their family to see them that often. I personally think DH's family is more than a few fries short of a happy meal, and even I wouldn't say that. ...you're right if this is the 2nd visit of the year... but maybe it's more of an "every 6mos" rule... in which case, it's too soon for another visit... ...again... I'm sorta playing devil's advocate here... I have my reasons... ...what if ANY parent wanted the final months preceding a move to be quality family time, free of distractions? ...how about a parent wanting less frequent "vacation days"and less "grandpa gives me a fiver time"in their kids lives? ...how about "life is stressful enough as we pack up a house and move across the continent and having houseguests is the last thing we need" reasons? ...my point is, there ARE reasonable reasons for limiting family visits... they just haven't really been discussed in the thread, since the dilemma presented was to conceal or cancel a visit...
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Post by BeenThere...DoneThat... on Aug 21, 2012 10:10:28 GMT -5
<<< How its such an awful thing for her parents to visit while he's gone I don't know. God forbid she get to spend some time with her parents or have a little break from the kids. >>>
...I hear you... but even Home 6 posted that she didn't like the fact that they bought tickets without an invitation...
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wvugurl26
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Post by wvugurl26 on Aug 21, 2012 10:10:40 GMT -5
To be difficult , the grandparents are coming during a time her husband will be away. How exactly is it special just immediate family time if dad's gone?
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Post by BeenThere...DoneThat... on Aug 21, 2012 10:12:40 GMT -5
To be difficult , the grandparents are coming during a time her husband will be away. How exactly is it special just immediate family time if dad's gone? ...good point... ...maybe we go back to a "I don't want my kids spoiled so much" reason? ...we don't really know his reasons... they may be stupid... they may be sound... but he is their dad...
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973beachbum
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Post by 973beachbum on Aug 21, 2012 10:13:16 GMT -5
<<< How its such an awful thing for her parents to visit while he's gone I don't know. God forbid she get to spend some time with her parents or have a little break from the kids. >>> ...I hear you... but even Home 6 posted that she didn't like the fact that they bought tickets without an invitation... But her post was that she was upset because she knew that BS would be pissed not that she didn't want them to come before they left for Alaska. I think you had some great points before about all the reason that someone could have for not wanting family to visit but personally having read this thread and previous one I don't think they have anything to do with why he doesn't want her family visiting. JMO ;D
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wvugurl26
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Post by wvugurl26 on Aug 21, 2012 10:14:09 GMT -5
<<< How its such an awful thing for her parents to visit while he's gone I don't know. God forbid she get to spend some time with her parents or have a little break from the kids. >>> ...I hear you... but even Home 6 posted that she didn't like the fact that they bought tickets without an invitation... Which she can address with them and ask them their reasons for doing so. I'm not saying that was the best move by grandparents but based on what she's said her husband thinks about them visiting, I could see why they might have done it. Doesn't make it right but again that's an issue for Home 6 to address with her parents, no need to involve the husband. Grandparents get to visit grandkids and husband isn't around for the visit, seems like a win win situation.
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Post by BeenThere...DoneThat... on Aug 21, 2012 10:15:11 GMT -5
<<< How its such an awful thing for her parents to visit while he's gone I don't know. God forbid she get to spend some time with her parents or have a little break from the kids. >>> ...I hear you... but even Home 6 posted that she didn't like the fact that they bought tickets without an invitation... But her post was that she was upset because she knew that BS would be pissed not that she didn't want them to come before they left for Alaska. I think you had some great points before about all the reason that someone could have for not wanting family to visit but personally having read this thread and previous one I don't think they have anything to do with why he doesn't want her family visiting. JMO ;D ...and you may be right... ...in my defense, I did post that I was NOT advocating a "me Tarzan you Jane" get out of jail free card for him in this thread... ;D
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wvugurl26
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Post by wvugurl26 on Aug 21, 2012 10:16:54 GMT -5
To be difficult , the grandparents are coming during a time her husband will be away. How exactly is it special just immediate family time if dad's gone? ...good point... ...maybe we go back to a "I don't want my kids spoiled so much" reason? ...we don't really know his reasons... they may be stupid... they may be sound... but he is their dad... All of which could be applicable in some situations. Based on what she has posted he objects to them visiting two times a year because his parents can't be bothered to visit only to accept his money every month. That is what my opinion is based on. If she comes back and says he has has x, y and z objections to grandparents visiting then I'll reconsider. If its simply bc it is different than what his family does, then I consider it a bs reason.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Aug 21, 2012 10:17:38 GMT -5
I can see an issue if they did buy the tickets to force her hand. However, I can see how it is likely that on their last visit all adults discussed seeing the kids again before leaving for Alaska, and the assumption that it was already okay. They narrowed down the time a bit with a phone call, and bought the tickets.
Either way, there are a lot of boundary issues listed that are concerning. BS thinks that Home6 should channel her only happiness into doing things for him and the house. She tries to bring up a topic and gets shut down right away. She is scared enough to bring up this visit with him that she is SCREWED. She also hasn't addressed anyones concerns about BS control issues. To me that says she either knows there is an issue and probably needs some outside validation, or that she is so confident that we've misinterpreted her that it isn't worth addressing. I believe it to be the former.
Admittedly if my in-laws visiting meant that they would be staying in my house it would freak me out. If they bought tickets and made assumptions about when, where, and how long, I'd be pissed. But DH knows exactly why I would feel that way, and I wouldn't leave him to deal with all of the fall out.
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Post by BeenThere...DoneThat... on Aug 21, 2012 10:20:26 GMT -5
<<< I'm not saying that was the best move by grandparents >>> ...I agree... I even think it was a BAD move by the grandparents... selfish... subversive... categorically uncool... ...Home 6 said that they KNEW the invitation may not be forthcoming... and they they would still come to visit AK, it was just going to be a longer flight... ...that just doesn't pass the sniff test... ...her husband's smell notwithstanding...
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Post by BeenThere...DoneThat... on Aug 21, 2012 10:23:49 GMT -5
I can see an issue if they did buy the tickets to force her hand. However, I can see how it is likely that on their last visit all adults discussed seeing the kids again before leaving for Alaska, and the assumption that it was already okay. They narrowed down the time a bit with a phone call, and bought the tickets. Either way, there are a lot of boundary issues listed that are concerning. BS thinks that Home6 should channel her only happiness into doing things for him and the house. She tries to bring up a topic and gets shut down right away. She is scared enough to bring up this visit with him that she is SCREWED. She also hasn't addressed anyones concerns about BS control issues. To me that says she either knows there is an issue and probably needs some outside validation, or that she is so confident that we've misinterpreted her that it isn't worth addressing. I believe it to be the former. Admittedly if my in-laws visiting meant that they would be staying in my house it would freak me out. If they bought tickets and made assumptions about when, where, and how long, I'd be pissed. But DH knows exactly why I would feel that way, and I wouldn't leave him to deal with all of the fall out. ...and we don't know if that was their explicit intent, or an unintended consequence... ...we also don't know if her husband's wishes are explicitly to limit exposure to their maternal grandparents, or an unintended consequence of some other peccadillo...
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wvugurl26
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Post by wvugurl26 on Aug 21, 2012 10:24:52 GMT -5
It is unfortunate that everyone seems to walk all over her to get what they want. Not a nice spot to be in.
While I don't condone the route they took, I can't label someone as unhealthy for simply wanting to visit their grandkids 2x/yr.
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Post by BeenThere...DoneThat... on Aug 21, 2012 10:26:01 GMT -5
...and, full disclosure, I saw my grandparents once every few years... so twice yearly seems like a real privilege to me... I don't think that's tainting my objectivity, but maybe it is and I don't know it...
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Post by BeenThere...DoneThat... on Aug 21, 2012 10:28:21 GMT -5
It is unfortunate that everyone seems to walk all over her to get what they want. Not a nice spot to be in. While I don't condone the route they took, I can't label someone as unhealthy for simply wanting to visit their grandkids 2x/yr. ...agreed... I really feel for Home 6... ...I just can also imagine myself in her husband's shoes... caught between my ILs and my family... not a nice spot, either...
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CarolinaKat
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Post by CarolinaKat on Aug 21, 2012 10:30:07 GMT -5
...and, full disclosure, I saw my grandparents once every few years... so twice yearly seems like a real privilege to me... I don't think that's tainting my objectivity, but maybe it is and I don't know it... On the other end of the spectrum I saw my grandparents almost every day until I was 16. I was very blessed.
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wvugurl26
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Post by wvugurl26 on Aug 21, 2012 10:33:27 GMT -5
I have problems with assuming the grandparents did something to justify her husband's stance. She hasn't given any concrete reasons for that.
It isn't a good situation for anyone. Based on only what Home 6 has posted to this thread though, it appears his objection is due to the fact his family rarely visits. That seems like a crap reason to me.
Fwiw my stepmom would have swore my grandparents spoiled my brother and I. She'd leave out the part where her son got meals out, toys, etc while we didn't bc his dad paid child support. Yet if my grandparents did the same, it was horribly unfair to her son.
We lived with those grandparents full time for two years before my dad and stepmom married. The first year my dad was on the road all week as a truck driver. They were responsible for us 24-7. I started staying overnight with them when I was six weeks old. I was blessed to be close to them and have them in my life.
I saw my mom's parents 2-3 times a year. We saw my stepmom's parents probably monthly. They all added to our lives.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 21, 2012 11:05:03 GMT -5
I have problems assuming they didn't when she doesn't answer my questions about why he calls them obsessive.
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midjd
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Post by midjd on Aug 21, 2012 11:06:38 GMT -5
So guilty til proven innocent, then?
ETA - I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt that in the 6+ pages so far she may have missed your post. She did say that she's reading/typing on a Blackberry.
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wvugurl26
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Post by wvugurl26 on Aug 21, 2012 11:09:10 GMT -5
So guilty til proven innocent, then? Apparently!
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Post by Deleted on Aug 21, 2012 11:17:25 GMT -5
LMAO Actually I am one of the few not making BS guilty until I have the info.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Aug 21, 2012 11:18:45 GMT -5
LMAO Actually I am one of the few not making BS guilty until I have the info. He may very well be right in that her parents should be limited in their contact with the kids. However, from her other posts, it just sounds like he's a controlling prick who treats her like a PFC, not a partner.
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