zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Aug 21, 2012 11:24:47 GMT -5
If he was my SIL, I'd make sure to visit when he wasn't around. I'm sure they a less than thrilled about how he treats their daughter but know that unless they keep quiet about it, they likely won't see their grand kids again. Only Home 6 can get the help she needs and she has to be aware that she needs help. I would never move somewhere so isolated with a cruel control freak.
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justme
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Post by justme on Aug 21, 2012 11:28:10 GMT -5
It sounds like she's tried to ask him for reasons he thinks it's unhealthy and he comes back with "two times a year is excessive". So she can't give us the reasons (assuming there's one besides 2x/yr = too much) if he won't give her the reasons.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 21, 2012 11:29:18 GMT -5
"two time a year is excessive" sounds better than "I am trying to isolate you from friends and family so I can keep my control over you".
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Aug 21, 2012 11:30:13 GMT -5
"two time a year is excessive" sounds better than "I am trying to isolate you from friends and family so I can keep my control over you". It's all in the delivery........
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 21, 2012 11:32:23 GMT -5
You got that right!
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Phoenix84
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Post by Phoenix84 on Aug 21, 2012 11:35:03 GMT -5
I assume "big sarge" is your husband.
I can understand seeing extended family can be tedious and often boring. I kind of don't like to visit my relatives out of state because it's just three days of sitting on the couch talking.
But your husband is a big boy, I'm sure he can handle having the in laws visit for a bit before you move off. Tell him.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Aug 21, 2012 11:42:52 GMT -5
I assume "big sarge" is your husband. I can understand seeing extended family can be tedious and often boring. I kind of don't like to visit my relatives out of state because it's just three days of sitting on the couch talking. But your husband is a big boy, I'm sure he can handle having the in laws visit for a bit before you move off. Tell him. He won't even be there, he'll be at training!!!!
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wvugurl26
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Post by wvugurl26 on Aug 21, 2012 11:44:43 GMT -5
I assume "big sarge" is your husband. I can understand seeing extended family can be tedious and often boring. I kind of don't like to visit my relatives out of state because it's just three days of sitting on the couch talking. But your husband is a big boy, I'm sure he can handle having the in laws visit for a bit before you move off. Tell him. He won't even be there, he'll be at training!!!! I keep saying that, guess I didn't deliver it correctly haha.
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The Home 6
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Post by The Home 6 on Aug 21, 2012 12:03:37 GMT -5
Hi. I'm sorry, I've been in class all morning, and the college has blocked Proboards. I have been keeping up on my Blackberry surrepticiously, but I think it would raise a major 'red flag' for the instructors if I just kept typing on it constantly. I will try to address everything, but if I leave something out, please remind me. My family has significant differences from my husband's. They are morning people, more loud, and like to go out and do things (museums, take pictures by landmarks, etc. At least when they are visiting us. When we are at their house it is all work-work-work. They live on a farm). My mom and dad actually are nicer to each other when they are at our house. The only complaint I would have is that they spoil the kids. And it is not a "Let's buy them an X-box" spoil, it is more of a "Let's get them up early" spoil, or "Do they really have to finish their supper to get a dessert" spoil. They are grandparents and I expect that sort of thing. Our family has always been very close. Most of my aunts, uncles, and cousins still visit Nana on a regular basis and as many of us as are able get together at her house for Christmas every year. We have a great big family reunion every 3 years with all of my Grandfather's brothers and sisters and their families as well. Big Sarge's family is not like that at ALL. I only met one of his sisters for the first time last year, and that was after we had been married for over 5 years. I know nothing about a lot of his family, his history, where he comes from. There is a lot of infighting amongst his stepmother and his siblings, and I have come to learn that my friendliness to one of his sisters was a contributing factor to why his stepmother blew up at me last year. When I talked to Big Sarge last night about this, he brought up an interesting point. "When was the last time your parents flew?" A valid point, most times they drive. But ALSO most times they come down when my mom has a break in the school year. This way, they won't be spending most of her days off traveling. I don't know if this was an intentional or an unintended consequence. I have enough faith in my family to believe that it was unintended. HOWEVER, it does not excuse the fact that they should have waited for a firm "Yes". I know that BS has control issues. I cannot remember who suggested the book "Boundaries" but I bought it last night (for kindle) so I could start reading it right away. Blew. My. Mind. It is not normal, kind, or encouraging the way that he speaks to me. This morning I addressed the boundary issues with my mom. Tonight, I will start working on the boundary issues with Big Sarge.
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CarolinaKat
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Post by CarolinaKat on Aug 21, 2012 12:06:38 GMT -5
It is not normal, kind, or encouraging the way that he speaks to me. THIS!!!! So much this!
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Aug 21, 2012 12:08:00 GMT -5
OMG, KEEP THE KIDS AWAY FROM THEM!!!!! Thats just whacked. Who the fuck cares? My parents used to drive to FL every year. My dad realized that his reflexes, vision, and hearing aren't what they used to be and decided he shouldn't be driving 75 mph anymore.
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CarolinaKat
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Post by CarolinaKat on Aug 21, 2012 12:09:26 GMT -5
Also, Good luck with your family and Big Sarge, Home 6. I am pulling for you.
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wvugurl26
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Post by wvugurl26 on Aug 21, 2012 12:09:31 GMT -5
I hope the book can help you establish a healthier relationship with your husband. You are a wonderful person and deserve to be treated as an equal not someone under his command.
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wvugurl26
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Post by wvugurl26 on Aug 21, 2012 12:11:11 GMT -5
My mom's parents never ever fly. That costs money lol. They are now considering it, grandpa's been thru chemo and doesn't have the energy for an eight hour drive anymore.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Aug 21, 2012 12:12:21 GMT -5
My mom's parents never ever fly. That costs money lol. They are now considering it, grandpa's been thru chemo and doesn't have the energy for an eight hour drive anymore. My dad ran the numbers, and realized it's cheaper to fly.
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on Aug 21, 2012 12:14:17 GMT -5
Hi. I'm sorry, I've been in class all morning, and the college has blocked Proboards. I have been keeping up on my Blackberry surrepticiously, but I think it would raise a major 'red flag' for the instructors if I just kept typing on it constantly. I will try to address everything, but if I leave something out, please remind me. My family has significant differences from my husband's. They are morning people, more loud, and like to go out and do things (museums, take pictures by landmarks, etc. At least when they are visiting us. When we are at their house it is all work-work-work. They live on a farm). My mom and dad actually are nicer to each other when they are at our house. The only complaint I would have is that they spoil the kids. And it is not a "Let's buy them an X-box" spoil, it is more of a "Let's get them up early" spoil, or "Do they really have to finish their supper to get a dessert" spoil. They are grandparents and I expect that sort of thing. Our family has always been very close. Most of my aunts, uncles, and cousins still visit Nana on a regular basis and as many of us as are able get together at her house for Christmas every year. We have a great big family reunion every 3 years with all of my Grandfather's brothers and sisters and their families as well. Big Sarge's family is not like that at ALL. I only met one of his sisters for the first time last year, and that was after we had been married for over 5 years. I know nothing about a lot of his family, his history, where he comes from. There is a lot of infighting amongst his stepmother and his siblings, and I have come to learn that my friendliness to one of his sisters was a contributing factor to why his stepmother blew up at me last year. When I talked to Big Sarge last night about this, he brought up an interesting point. "When was the last time your parents flew?" A valid point, most times they drive. But ALSO most times they come down when my mom has a break in the school year. This way, they won't be spending most of her days off traveling. I don't know if this was an intentional or an unintended consequence. I have enough faith in my family to believe that it was unintended. HOWEVER, it does not excuse the fact that they should have waited for a firm "Yes". I know that BS has control issues. I cannot remember who suggested the book "Boundaries" but I bought it last night (for kindle) so I could start reading it right away. Blew. My. Mind. It is not normal, kind, or encouraging the way that he speaks to me. This morning I addressed the boundary issues with my mom. Tonight, I will start working on the boundary issues with Big Sarge. Good for you! In order to stop the incessant turning of the control wheels, you're going to have to take a firm stand and not let up. That goes for your parents, "Big Sarge", the kids, and anybody else who's endeavoring to usurp your personal power. It's never easy to begin this journey; however, it's more than satisfying once the goal is reached.
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973beachbum
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Post by 973beachbum on Aug 21, 2012 12:15:23 GMT -5
I hope the book can help you establish a healthier relationship with your husband. You are a wonderful person and deserve to be treated as an equal not someone under his command. I would print this out and hang it up on a wall! Good luck.
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wvugurl26
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Post by wvugurl26 on Aug 21, 2012 12:17:52 GMT -5
My mom's parents never ever fly. That costs money lol. They are now considering it, grandpa's been thru chemo and doesn't have the energy for an eight hour drive anymore. My dad ran the numbers, and realized it's cheaper to fly. I have a feeling it would be cheaper for them as well. Avalanches with V8s don't get stellar gas mileage and the trip is around 500 miles one way.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 21, 2012 12:18:33 GMT -5
Glad to hear you started reading the book, Home 6. I hope it helps you see the world in a whole different light.
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Post by BeenThere...DoneThat... on Aug 21, 2012 13:16:47 GMT -5
Glad to hear you started reading the book, Home 6. I hope it helps you see the world in a whole different light. ...giramomma recommended it first... but I agree that is an excellent read... ...Home 6, here's hoping that all these boundary conversations to come are smooth and helpful...
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Aug 21, 2012 15:42:40 GMT -5
I can imagine the fun when she starts to "back talk" to him.
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muttleynfelix
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Post by muttleynfelix on Aug 21, 2012 16:08:17 GMT -5
For a 500 mile trip it only works out if you have a cheap airport to fly out of plus a cheap airport to fly to, Then if you have more than one person, it quickly becomes cheaper to drive. Plus you and the relative you are going to have to live near airports. (We live 450 miles from my parents and it isn't even quicker to fly to them than it is to drive; let alone cheaper).
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Aug 21, 2012 16:55:09 GMT -5
Big Sarge sounds more like an old school man who expects final say, and who doesn't want to show emotion. That has its place and its time.It does? Not in my house, it doesn't. Well, she did say the only time she was at peace was while she was sewing (because BS wasn't telling her what to do)... that implies at least some level of unhappiness with the current situation. And his response to that (which was that she should channel that energy into doing something for HIM) was rather troubling. I don't think people start threads like this if they're not pretty unhappy with the status quo. I really like Home 6, and she reminds me of another friend of mine - very sweet, very committed to her man, and ultimately very willing to put up with a LOT of shit from him so he'll stay with her. It makes me sad. I know that BS has control issues. I cannot remember who suggested the book "Boundaries" but I bought it last night (for kindle) so I could start reading it right away. Blew. My. Mind. It is not normal, kind, or encouraging the way that he speaks to me. This morning I addressed the boundary issues with my mom. Tonight, I will start working on the boundary issues with Big Sarge. Good for you! This is a really huge step - actually just RECOGNIZING it as a problem is a really big step. My aforementioned friend wouldn't even admit that her husband was being controlling and mean for one hell of a long time. I don't know all the backstory here but it sounds like this thread is helping you figure some things out so I can't quibble with that
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wvugurl26
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Post by wvugurl26 on Aug 21, 2012 18:25:01 GMT -5
For a 500 mile trip it only works out if you have a cheap airport to fly out of plus a cheap airport to fly to, Then if you have more than one person, it quickly becomes cheaper to drive. Plus you and the relative you are going to have to live near airports. (We live 450 miles from my parents and it isn't even quicker to fly to them than it is to drive; let alone cheaper). Akron/Canton is pretty cheap to fly out of and they are close enough. Friends would gladly give them a ride. Aunt is close to airport in her town. Even if it isn't cheaper I wish they'd do it. They missed our August gathering bc grandpa hasn't regained all his strength since finishing chemo. He wasn't up to an eight plus hour car ride.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Aug 22, 2012 8:28:00 GMT -5
My mom's parents never ever fly. That costs money lol. They are now considering it, grandpa's been thru chemo and doesn't have the energy for an eight hour drive anymore. My dad ran the numbers, and realized it's cheaper to fly. My Mom just sucked it up and started flying because she didn't want to be in a car with Dad for 18 hours to get to Florida. Not to mention another 18 on the way back... She's not fond of flying.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Aug 22, 2012 9:33:06 GMT -5
I'd rather make the drive to Florida but DF is not on board with that. Flying is worse and worse, I just hate it.
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Post by BeenThere...DoneThat... on Aug 22, 2012 9:45:28 GMT -5
...fwiw, we like the road trip aspect to vacations... but as we get more, creaky?... I'm beginning to eye a Winnebago, which will throw our fuel economy numbers way off...
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