I am SCREWED.

[The Home 6]

kari-nope, you have the right poster.We send money to his stepmother every month.

Rukh-the Army is moving us to Alaska, not Big Sarge. He would rather not move out there. I was excited about it, and still am.

[midjd]

I think your stepmother-in-law requiring you to send her money each month is approximately 1000x more "unhealthy" than grandparents seeing their grandkids twice a year.

[mmhmm]

Aug 19, 2012 18:41:53 GMT -5 The Home 6 said:

I don't know why he uses the word "unhealthy". Is it because my parents come to see us twice a year? It has been over a year and a half since his stepmother has seen us, and before that it was over a year as well. She lives a 12 hour drive away. For my parents, it is over a 25 hour drive.

I wonder if the fact his stepmother doesn't visit has anything to do with "Big Sarge's" attitude. Perhaps, he's somehow challenged by your parents' interest in the two of you and the children when his stepmother shows little, if any interest other than what it takes to get her monthly stipend.

Whatever is behind his feelings, he's certainly being controlling with regard to your parents' visit. They're your parents and you have every right to invite them to your home. Tell him to hang it in his freaking ear. He's going to be away when they're there so it's no damned skin off his nose!

[Deleted]

Why does he say they are obsessed with the grandkids? Why do you think think they give extra attention because of the child you gave up for adoption? I'm asking what behaviour he is calling obsessive because it can't be visitting twice a year.

[flopsy]

Aug 19, 2012 19:25:21 GMT -5 swamp said:

Sorry, but Big sarge sounds like a control freak douche canoe.

Big Sarge to me sounds like a guy who just does not expect family outside of the nuclear family to want to hang out "often". This could be a fact of the way he grew up.

To me it is strange when I do not see my sibs or parents once a week.

[flopsy]

Aug 19, 2012 20:11:32 GMT -5 whoisjohngalt said:

Big Sarge?? do people really call their husbands that?

Lena, if I was married to an enlisted hottie I would totally call him Big Sarge

[Apple]

Home 6-- I'm thinking back to some of your way earlier posts and agree that he sounds very controlling. I would tell him, because not doing so will probably be something he tries to hold over you in the future. I would also be very firm about it. You don't get to see your family often, you have to spend his leave where he wants, etc. And he won't even have to "be there" if the case is that he simply doesn't like your parents.

[InsertCoolName]

My in laws see our kids every single day. My mil thinks that the kids are sick and need- NEED to go to the doctor if they sneeze. She calls me many times per day to tell me that I need to feed the kids. And that today they would probably like to eat some chicken because they haven't had that for a while. She can tell you what every piece of clothing they have is. Knows when they last wore it.

So yeah, tell me how your parents are obsessed with your kids again? Because I can always send my in laws to you for a visit.

[triciacus]

I don't think it is unhealthy for grandparents to visit twice a year, I know in my family we see each other every week, my nephew who I helped raise thinks of me as his second mom and his kids think of me as a grandma and we have dinner together every Monday. His wife enjoys spending time with us, I wonder if it is because he is not close to his family, I went through a similar problem with my husband in that he was jealous of the time I spent with my family because he was not close to his family, but now he really enjoys being around my family.

[mmhmm]

Aug 19, 2012 21:47:53 GMT -5 triciacus said:

I don't think it is unhealthy for grandparents to visit twice a year, I know in my family we see each other every week, my nephew who I helped raise thinks of me as his second mom and his kids think of me as a grandma and we have dinner together every Monday. His wife enjoys spending time with us, I wonder if it is because he is not close to his family, I went through a similar problem with my husband in that he was jealous of the time I spent with my family because he was not close to his family, but now he really enjoys being around my family.

My late husband was the same. His family was emotionally distant. When we did see them, they were demanding and controlling. The result was, my husband was much closer to my parents than to his. When my father passed away, he was the one who suggested we move mother in with us. He cared for her while I worked. He often stated how much he wished he could have had such a relationship with his own mother. It's sad when that happens.

[Deleted]

I must be a complete psycho then - I have my grandkids every other weekend. I buy their school clothes & shoes and usually pay so they can be in activities. If I had not started a new, very demanding job recently, I would have had them for a week or two this summer to do some camps in my area.

I am over-involved, but more in the vein of my DD is single parent and needs a break. If that wasn't the case I'd probably see them once a month and pop in for day trips to zoo/movies and stuff here an there.

If they were moving a long way away, you bet I'd be going to see them before they moved & probably crying the whole time!!

[BeenThere...DoneThat...]

...I'll buck the trend here and point to Big Sarge's rights within his household... to "hide from him" a visit from the ILs, to "host" anybody in your home against his wishes, to disregard his feelings (however irrational they may seem to you) is inviting major red flag challenges into your marriage relationship that a single visit from the ILs could never warrant...

...put yourself in his shoes and think about it...

...you need to talk with him and get on the same page asap...

[mmhmm]

I'll agree with Been There on one thing: You two need to talk this mess out. It's not HIS house. The house belongs to both of you and both of you have rights within that house. When it comes to your parents visiting you and the children, that shouldn't even be questioned; especially, since they come to see you only a couple of times a year, and you're getting ready to move so far away they'll be able to visit only rarely.

[BeenThere...DoneThat...]

Aug 20, 2012 0:48:01 GMT -5 mmhmm said:

I'll agree with Been There on one thing: You two need to talk this mess out. It's not HIS house. The house belongs to both of you and both of you have rights within that house. When it comes to your parents visiting you and the children, that shouldn't even be questioned; especially, since they come to see you only a couple of times a year, and you're getting ready to move so far away they'll be able to visit only rarely.

...thanks... but...

...to many men, it IS his household... and if Big Sarge is cut from that cultural cloth, and Home 6 knows it, then she would do better to keep that forefront in her mind...

...in no way am I advocating for some "me Tarzan you Jane" lop-sided relationship... in no way am I justifying a selfish "you can't have your visitors if I can't have mine" response... no way...

...Home 6 came to the board asking for opinions... seemingly asking for validation to "sneak in" this visit... and to do so, imo, will bring way more sorrow than joy...

[mmhmm]

And, to many women it is her household. To most loving couples it is their household. Because "Big Sarge" has some medieval mindset with regard to whose home it is isn't a reason for his wife's parents to be unwelcome in the home. He needs to own up and get over it.

[BeenThere...DoneThat...]

Aug 20, 2012 1:04:38 GMT -5 mmhmm said:

And, to many women it is her household. To most loving couples it is their household. Because "Big Sarge" has some medieval mindset with regard to whose home it is isn't a reason for his wife's parents to be unwelcome in the home. He needs to own up and get over it.

...his reasons may be asinine... posters have pointed some out already... but his reasons may be valid... I can think of several... can't you?

...we won't know unless he posts here... and she won't know unless they sort this out...

[NastyWoman]

Home 6 as you can see the opinions as always are varied. But in this case only about why we think things are the way they are --- although I am not so sure that we have sufficient information for that. However, I agree with everyone else that you need to inform big Sarge that your parents are coming to visit in October.

[Deleted]

I have said it before and I will say it again....there is no way in hell I would tolerate Big Sarge. I am married to a military guy too and there is no way he would tell me what I could or could not do, who I can have come to OUR house and who can't come. We are partners! He is NOT the boss of me and our house.

You LET him be over controlling. I would just flat out tell him that my parents were coming...PERIOD...end of discussion. If he can send money to his family and YOU have no say....then IMHO he has zero say in whether your parents come for a visit.

Goose would flat out be told to go F himself if he ever acted like a controlling asshole with me.

[The Home 6]

mmhmm- I think you have the right of it, he is always bring up the fact that we see my parents "often" (his word). I don't know if he is resentful or perhaps jealous of the fact that my family will actually travel to see us, when his stepmother is unwilling or unable to do so.

BTDT- it is our house, you are correct. He deserves the same consideration as I would if his family was visiting. A big sit-down converstaion is in order.

Unfortunately, the college blocked Proboards. I will try to keep updated with my phone.

[Deleted]

It doesn't sound like he gives you the same considerations though. It sounds like he makes all the rules and you are just to follow them. You should not be so worried about telling your husband that your family is visiting that you are thinking about just keeping it from him "what he doesn't know won't hurt him attitude". I don't get that.

[The Home 6]

ImAnAngel-I shouldn't be keeping things from him, that's true. It doesn't seem reasonable for him to say "No" to my family coming to visit before we move to AK, when he isn't even going to be here.

Apropos of something, though I am not sure of what- I had an epiphany this morning. I told Big Sarge last night that the only time I feel some measure of peace is when I am sitting in front of my sewing machine, making a quilt to give away. He countered with that I should be able to channel that into making a meal, cleaning a house, etc.

My ephiphany was this-when I am in front of the sewing machine, no one is telling me what to do. "You need to sweep the floor after every meal". "This has too much onion". NOPE. A quilt looks pretty. And then I give it away and make someone happy.

[Deleted]

Aug 20, 2012 3:36:31 GMT -5 @angel33 said:

I have said it before and I will say it again....there is no way in hell I would tolerate Big Sarge. I am married to a military guy too and there is no way he would tell me what I could or could not do, who I can have come to OUR house and who can't come. We are partners! He is NOT the boss of me and our house.

You LET him be over controlling. I would just flat out tell him that my parents were coming...PERIOD...end of discussion. If he can send money to his family and YOU have no say....then IMHO he has zero say in whether your parents come for a visit.

Goose would flat out be told to go F himself if he ever acted like a controlling asshole with me.

from everything Home6 has posted I don't get why she stays with him.

[resolution]

Homes 6, he sounds more controlling with every new detail that you post. I agree he needs to be told and not asked that your parents are coming to visit you. I hope you use your military coverage to get some personal counseling to understand why you have accepted that type of treatment as normal. It is totally not normal for a husband to control family visits and criticize daily tasks like cooking and cleaning.

Are you working right now? If you are moved to an area in Alaska with jobs available, getting a part time job might help with your confidence and independence.

[Deleted]

If someone thinks the floor isn't clean enough or the food has too much onion, well there are the broom and pans and they are welcome to them... It sounds like constant nitpicking/ie. gringing down of your esteem, is the natural order of business, unfortunately...

I'm sorry Home but your posts make me sad... No one should be made to feel inadequate in their own home. No one should be made to feel like they are a visitor in their own home who has to ask if they are allowed to do something as simple as have their parents visit twice a year.

[skubikky]

Aug 20, 2012 6:54:15 GMT -5 The Home 6 said:

ImAnAngel-I shouldn't be keeping things from him, that's true. It doesn't seem reasonable for him to say "No" to my family coming to visit before we move to AK, when he isn't even going to be here.

Apropos of something, though I am not sure of what- I had an epiphany this morning. I told Big Sarge last night that the only time I feel some measure of peace is when I am sitting in front of my sewing machine, making a quilt to give away. He countered with that I should be able to channel that into making a meal, cleaning a house, etc.

My ephiphany was this-when I am in front of the sewing machine, no one is telling me what to do. "You need to sweep the floor after every meal". "This has too much onion". NOPE. A quilt looks pretty. And then I give it away and make someone happy.

Please read what you wrote here.
Sounds like your husband treats you as one of his troops.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

No one should be made to feel in adequate in their own home. No one should be made to feel like they are a visitor in their own home who has to ask if they are allowed to do something as simple as have their parents visit twice a year.

[raeoflyte]

Aug 20, 2012 7:36:13 GMT -5 oped said:

It sounds like constant nitpicking/ie. gringing down of your esteem, is the natural order of business, unfortunately...

I'm sorry Home but your posts make me sad... No one should be made to feel in adequate in their own home. No one should be made to feel like they are a visitor in their own home who has to ask if they are allowed to do something as simple as have their parents visit twice a year.

I don't want any of this to come across as picking on you Home6, and I'm not familiar with the back story. Is your husband uncomfortable around your parents because it shines a spotlight on his inappropriate nitpicking? What is your parents dynamic like?

You really shouldn't feel like this is normal.

[Apple]

Aug 20, 2012 7:28:40 GMT -5 resolution said:

Homes 6, he sounds more controlling with every new detail that you post. I agree he needs to be told and not asked that your parents are coming to visit you. I hope you use your military coverage to get some personal counseling to understand why you have accepted that type of treatment as normal. It is totally not normal for a husband to control family visits and criticize daily tasks like cooking and cleaning.

Are you working right now? If you are moved to an area in Alaska with jobs available, getting a part time job might help with your confidence and independence.

Last I knew she want allowed to work even part time while the kids were in school. Home 6, a marriage shouldn't be like this. A man should not need to control every aspect of your life with you having no say. It means a lot that you see that with the while, that is a step.

BTDT-I think a lot of us are remembering old threads, that's why we are so insistent on it being abnormal behavior. I agree it should not be hidden, but something needs to change.

[Deleted]

Is your husband uncomfortable around your parents because it shines a spotlight on his inappropriate nitpicking?

Good point, rae!

I agree that Home's relationship with Big Sarge isn't normal, but it is HER normal and things can't change unless she acknowledges that their dynamic is not healthy for her. OTOH, if she doesn't have a problem with living a second class life that is her right as well.

[Wisconsin Beth]

Aug 19, 2012 19:25:21 GMT -5 swamp said:

Sorry, but Big sarge sounds like a control freak douche canoe. Grandparents seeing their only grand kids twice a year and wanting to see them before they move to Alaska isn't unhealthy, it's normal.

You don't have to justify it, just do it.
I'd tell him to go eff himself, but I'm not known for being nice.

Geez, he should be glad he married into your family and not mine... My parents make a point of attending as many grandchildren events as they can/are invited to. 4 years ago, they were NEVER home on weekends due to the assorted sports 8 grandkids were in... We see my parents and DH's parents weekly as they watch the kids 1 day a week for us...