swamp
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Post by swamp on Aug 20, 2012 19:23:47 GMT -5
Well, she did say the only time she was at peace was while she was sewing (because BS wasn't telling her what to do)... that implies at least some level of unhappiness with the current situation. And there was also a prior thread where he hassled her about "not doing PT" one day because she was attempting to do a bunch of errands with the kids in tow.
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quince
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Post by quince on Aug 20, 2012 19:27:23 GMT -5
BS as an abbreviation for Big Sarge...I don't know why that makes me laugh so much right now...
If DH's family (Or my family!) said they were scheduling a flight to visit without asking, I know I'd be pissed, and I DO think there's such a thing as an unhealthy interest in grandchildren (Saving up books/things for them before your children are even coupled up is a little bit much, for example.), but only you are in the middle of it.
Good luck in working out the communication on all fronts, and I hope you can get things worked out in time for the scheduled visit.
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The Home 6
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Post by The Home 6 on Aug 21, 2012 4:28:57 GMT -5
Sorry, WWBG. I didn't know how else to phrase it. I'm young and dumb. BTDT- my parents did force my hand by buying the tickets before being told 'yes, come down'. I plan on talking to them today about that. oped-I asked Big Sarge "do you ever think about when we ever have grandkids?" to kind of ease him into how often we would visit them. He shut it down with a quickness. Opti-you are absolutely right that Big Sarge and I need to model a good marriage to our children. My dad and BS don't talk much at all when they are together, forget about playing verbal one-upsmanship. quince- my mom did save all my childhood books and some of my toys. She's part hoarder though.
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973beachbum
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Post by 973beachbum on Aug 21, 2012 7:18:16 GMT -5
Sorry, WWBG. I didn't know how else to phrase it. I'm young and dumb. BTDT- my parents did force my hand by buying the tickets before being told 'yes, come down'. I plan on talking to them today about that.oped-I asked Big Sarge "do you ever think about when we ever have grandkids?" to kind of ease him into how often we would visit them. He shut it down with a quickness. Opti-you are absolutely right that Big Sarge and I need to model a good marriage to our children. My dad and BS don't talk much at all when they are together, forget about playing verbal one-upsmanship. quince- my mom did save all my childhood books and some of my toys. She's part hoarder though. And if they had asked would Big Sarge have said "sure have them come!"? Saying I expect them to ask what is a good time to come visit their grandkids once or twice a year is fine as long as that is allowed. But what you are describing from Big Sarge just wouldn't let that happen at all. So what you are really saying is "Dear Parents I know you really love your grandkids but my husband doesn't want you to ever see them and I don't want to fight about it with him so I wont let you either But you have to keep asking me when is a good time so that I can tell you no." I agree with you parents on this one. If he is going to be completely unreasonable when asked, then I'm not going to ask him.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 21, 2012 7:27:39 GMT -5
I would be livid to find out that my in-laws were planning to stay at my house without asking first, so I can see where Big Sarge is coming from. So in this particular case, I would suggest to my DH that he should tell them to find a hotel while they're here to make the best out of a bad situation. And it seems to me that Home 6 married someone just like her Dad (which is not uncommon). She created the example of marriage that she witnessed growing up.
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Post by BeenThere...DoneThat... on Aug 21, 2012 7:33:08 GMT -5
...hmm, 973... I'm surprised to see you side with the grandparents... eta grand
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973beachbum
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Post by 973beachbum on Aug 21, 2012 7:40:22 GMT -5
...hmm, 973... I'm surprised to see you side with the grandparents... eta grand I am being as polite as I can here but Big Sarge is a big baby who needs a serious ass kicking IMO. He can't go anywhere where that he can't pay his game?!? Her parents shouldn't be allowed to see their grandkids ever basically because he doens't feel they should. EVERYTHING Home 6 does is wrong and she need to be "fixed" so she can be at his standards. On what planet is that defensible?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 21, 2012 7:46:16 GMT -5
On this planet, actually. Home 6 is a grown woman who chose the life that she is living.
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wvugurl26
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Post by wvugurl26 on Aug 21, 2012 7:48:23 GMT -5
Yes, it would be nice if grandparents had asked first. However, since Big Sarge won't even be there for the visit, I'll cut them some slack. And if he'd come up with every excuse under the sun to keep them from visiting, then I can see why they didn't ask him for permission.
Now if they were thieves, junkies, generally nasty people, etc I could see the justification for not wanting them in my home ever. That doesn't seem to be the case here. At least her parents are self supporting.
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Post by BeenThere...DoneThat... on Aug 21, 2012 7:54:01 GMT -5
...boy, this thread is getting good... we're now entered "grandparents' rights above parental rights" territory...
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midjd
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Post by midjd on Aug 21, 2012 8:03:33 GMT -5
How's that?
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Post by BeenThere...DoneThat... on Aug 21, 2012 8:07:50 GMT -5
...how isn't it that? ...it's a common theme here that Big Sarge and/or Home 6 do not have the right to limit their children's availability to the grandparents... ...iow, parents are in the wrong to monitor/regulate their children's visitors...
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midjd
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Post by midjd on Aug 21, 2012 8:13:00 GMT -5
That's quite a jump there.
I think if one or both parents are unreasonably restricting access (that is, the grandparents are healthy, loving, nondysfunctional people who add value to the child's life) then yes, the grandparents DO have rights. Do these trump the parents' rights? No. But neither should a spouse be able to exclude them just because he's being a controlling SOB.
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wvugurl26
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Post by wvugurl26 on Aug 21, 2012 8:16:21 GMT -5
That's quite a jump there. I think if one or both parents are unreasonably restricting access (that is, the grandparents are healthy, loving, nondysfunctional people who add value to the child's life) then yes, the grandparents DO have rights. Do these trump the parents' rights? No. But neither should a spouse be able to exclude them just because he's being a controlling SOB. I agree with this. She's stated that Big Sarge thinks grandparents visiting 2x/yr is unhealthy. Provided they are good people as outlined above, I don't think two times a year is excessive or unhealthy.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Aug 21, 2012 8:19:09 GMT -5
Have we been told how long they plan on staying? I don't remember and I'm not going back to re-read 5 pages today to try to find it...
Because if it's a couple of days, twice a year, then yeah, no problem. If we're talking staying for a couple of months, twice a year, I'd have issues with that.
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973beachbum
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Post by 973beachbum on Aug 21, 2012 8:20:24 GMT -5
That's quite a jump there. I think if one or both parents are unreasonably restricting access (that is, the grandparents are healthy, loving, nondysfunctional people who add value to the child's life) then yes, the grandparents DO have rights. Do these trump the parents' rights? No. But neither should a spouse be able to exclude them just because he's being a controlling SOB. that is what I said before basically. In this case Home6 seems to love her parents. It isn't like she hate them and doesn't want them to see the kids. She just goes along with her drill sargents orders, which is totally different ball of wax IMO than sueing for grandparents rights.
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midjd
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Post by midjd on Aug 21, 2012 8:21:15 GMT -5
or saying "parents don't have rights to monitor/regulate their kids' visitors."
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Post by BeenThere...DoneThat... on Aug 21, 2012 8:27:09 GMT -5
or saying "parents don't have rights to monitor/regulate their kids' visitors." ...and I'm paraphrasing the thread trend... ...but, let's take a step back here... posters please raise their hand if they're responding to this situation based on past threads or something? ...because in THIS thread, Home 6 has expressed in and since the OP that she is feeling "screwed" because her parents purchased tickets to come visit, prior to receiving an invitation, after having been told, "I'll let you know", and while being fully aware that her husband has asked to limit grandparents visits to twice yearly...
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 21, 2012 8:29:51 GMT -5
MIL and I had some issues regarding boundaries and what was acceptable behavior in our house, so maybe I am taking a harder stance than others would. But I really, REALLY have a problem when someone else encroaches on MY space because it was such a hard fought battle for me.
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973beachbum
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Post by 973beachbum on Aug 21, 2012 8:32:18 GMT -5
or saying "parents don't have rights to monitor/regulate their kids' visitors." ...and I'm paraphrasing the thread trend... ...but, let's take a step back here... posters please raise their hand if they're responding to this situation based on past threads or something? ...because in THIS thread, Home 6 has expressed in and since the OP that she is feeling "screwed" because her parents purchased tickets to come visit, prior to receiving an invitation, after having been told, "I'll let you know", and while being fully aware that her husband has asked to limit grandparents visits to twice yearly... In this thread Home 6 said he thinks 2 visits a year is way out of line and crazy over involved with the grandkids. Add in that they are moving to Alaska and the next time the grands could see the kids could be 3 years or more. I was responding to that part by saying that asking him when they already know the answer is silly unless they don't care about the seeing the grandkids before they leave enough to care which obviously isn't true in this case.
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Post by BeenThere...DoneThat... on Aug 21, 2012 8:36:00 GMT -5
<<< I was responding to that part by saying that asking him when they already know the answer is silly unless they don't care about the seeing the grandkids before they leave enough to care which obviously isn't true in this case. >>> ...iow, screw the parent's decision... we'll subvert his authority by buying tickets and forcing our daughter to act as our defender... correct? edited typo
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midjd
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Post by midjd on Aug 21, 2012 8:42:09 GMT -5
Multiple posters have said that they are responding based on the totality of Home6's posts about her marriage, not just this thread. A little surprised you haven't seen these comments, since a couple were directed at you:
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 21, 2012 8:45:29 GMT -5
"oped-I asked Big Sarge "do you ever think about when we ever have grandkids?" to kind of ease him into how often we would visit them. He shut it down with a quickness."
I'm not sure what you are saying? He refused to answer the question? I'm sorry if it caused any tension.
I would worry if the grandparents made frequent and/or unannounced visits... just showing up... but 2-3 times a year, and especially under these circumstance, where they will be moving to Alaska, and the frequency will drop to 1 X per year ?? ... And, I don't want to offend in any way, but I wonder how the 'lets see about October' conversation went... parents hear, not Thanksgiving, but October should work because BS will be away, they go online and find a great deal on tickets and boom... I don't think, under these conditions, that is unreasonable...
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wvugurl26
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Post by wvugurl26 on Aug 21, 2012 8:49:49 GMT -5
If her parents were crazy or something, I could see his side. As it is I cannot get behind thinking two visits a year is unhealthy. If it was truly excessive or if he was actually going to be at home for this visit, I'd defer more to him but that isn't the case.
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Loopdilou
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Post by Loopdilou on Aug 21, 2012 9:00:02 GMT -5
Eh. I get it. Dark has family members that i'd be pissed about showing up more than once a year for an hour . Of course, when I say "unhealthy" I mean for them, because I may have to murder them.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 21, 2012 9:12:31 GMT -5
If her parents were crazy or something, I could see his side. As it is I cannot get behind thinking two visits a year is unhealthy. If it was truly excessive or if he was actually going to be at home for this visit, I'd defer more to him but that isn't the case. We don't know they aren't crazy. Home6 hasn't told us why BS says they are obsessed. She hasn't described how her parents behave with the kids. And she has told us they have an unhealthy relationship themselves. BS being controlling doesn't mean her parents aren't unhealthy too. Actually, statistically it is probably a good hint they are.
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CarolinaKat
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Post by CarolinaKat on Aug 21, 2012 9:29:10 GMT -5
If her parents were crazy or something, I could see his side. As it is I cannot get behind thinking two visits a year is unhealthy. If it was truly excessive or if he was actually going to be at home for this visit, I'd defer more to him but that isn't the case. We don't know they aren't crazy. Home6 hasn't told us why BS says they are obsessed. She hasn't described how her parents behave with the kids. And she has told us they have an unhealthy relationship themselves. BS being controlling doesn't mean her parents aren't unhealthy too. Actually, statistically it is probably a good hint they are. Given the Home 6's posting history about Big Sarge, I'm more willing to think his assement of her parents is way off rather than her parents interest in her children is unhealthy. She hasn't said anything negative about her parents interaction with the children
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 21, 2012 9:31:58 GMT -5
Home 6 doesn't think Big Sarge's behavior is out of the ordinary, so perhaps she would not be the most objective person when looking at her parent's behavior.
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Post by BeenThere...DoneThat... on Aug 21, 2012 9:39:35 GMT -5
Multiple posters have said that they are responding based on the totality of Home6's posts about her marriage, not just this thread. A little surprised you haven't seen these comments, since a couple were directed at you: ...true... this is why I referenced that in THIS thread, Home 6 has expressed in the OP and since the OP that she is feeling "screwed" because her parents purchased tickets to come visit, prior to receiving an invitation, after having been told, "I'll let you know", and while being fully aware that her husband has asked to limit grandparents visits to twice yearly... ...if she started a thread about excessive grandparent visits, then I'd expect we'd have an even more lively discussion, huh?
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midjd
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Post by midjd on Aug 21, 2012 9:51:02 GMT -5
I took the OP in a slightly different tone - she was "screwed" because she didn't want to explain to BS that her parents were coming, and was wondering if it was OK to just not tell him, since he wouldn't be around anyway.
No one posts in a vacuum. Taking the OP in context with the OP's past posts on her husband, it's not beyond the scope to wonder whether her husband is being unreasonable, rather than her parents. If you feel compelled to hide your parents' visit from your husband because he wouldn't approve - and Home 6 has NEVER stated that her parents are anything but loving grandparents to her kids - that is not healthy.
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