swamp
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THEY’RE EATING THE DOGS!!!!!!!
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Post by swamp on Jun 12, 2017 10:16:20 GMT -5
Archie's thread about his wife's anxiety stirred up some not so happy issues with me.
It seems like moms are held up to this impossibly high standard today.
Before the kids go to school, I'm supposed to supply them with all sorts of intellectually stimulating activities.
Now they are in school, I'm supposed to help them with their homework daily.
Feed them home cooked organic food and don't let them eat junk, fried stuff, hot dogs, processed foods.
Keep them enrolled in assorted activities. Which they should excel at. We can't have average children.
Have dinner as a family.
Make sure they have enough unstructured play time outside.
Make sure they are developing socially and have plenty of "friend" time with kids of like minded parents. We can't let them have screen time and junk food at a friends house. God forbid that parent smokes.
Supply Pinterest worthy homemade snacks and party favors at school functions.
Scrap book all memories.
While I'm doing this, my house is supposed to be clean, organized, and filled with Pinteresty decoractions I've made myself. All while I run a business, eat home cooked organic meals, exercise regularly, and maintain my figure. By being overweight, I'm setting a bad example for my kids.
I'm tired. My kids eat too much crap, don't play outside enough, and spend too much time playing video games and playing with their iPads.
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swasat
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Post by swasat on Jun 12, 2017 10:31:03 GMT -5
I'd say its expected of "parents" today, just not mothers. As I said on the other thread, I am tired and I don't care a damn anymore. Food is where I spend time so overall food habits are real good in my household. Not no-junk-at-all kind of good but reasonable enough good. But clean house? Stimulating activities? Creative play? Organized home? exercise regularly? Homemade party favors? I get a BIG FAT ZERO in that category. I am tired too. Of being an adult. Of being responsible. Since the family is still alive I consider it a win some days.
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Lizard Queen
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Post by Lizard Queen on Jun 12, 2017 10:34:10 GMT -5
What is expected of mothers today? Everything. I think about the 80's when I grew up. Mothers were more stuck in and around the home, but they weren't expected to closely supervise their kids all of the time either. Send them outside to play with little to no supervision? That was fine back then. Kids were bored? They could do chores, or amuse themselves. Parents weren't expected to provide all their entertainment, or even most of it.
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milee
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Post by milee on Jun 12, 2017 10:37:36 GMT -5
Funny, some friends and I were talking about this just this morning.
I'm not doing a good job at balancing all that stuff. Doing OK in some areas but completely ignoring others. I'm tired, too.
Sorry, not helpful, just empathizing.
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ArchietheDragon
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Post by ArchietheDragon on Jun 12, 2017 10:39:43 GMT -5
You forgot:
Be involved in the PTO Sell some sort of MLM product, or attend at least 2 parties a month Hold a local political office knit, at least well enough to make a hat attend at least one anti-something march a month
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saveinla
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Post by saveinla on Jun 12, 2017 10:42:14 GMT -5
Where are these rules written? Why do you guys think you have to follow them?
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busymom
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Post by busymom on Jun 12, 2017 10:47:54 GMT -5
Welcome to society's expectations. A woman is expected to work a job, AND do everything for the kids. Not to mention, be "available" to her husband, if you get my drift. After my Mom died, I realized how tired I actually was. And frankly, I know I just CAN'T do it all anymore. I've been cutting back, as I still have too much on my plate. At least DD is able to help me some days, like start dinner & stuff. "Leaning in" is a bunch of carp when you already have too many things to do. Anyone else here exhausted? I actually hired a cleaning lady to help get my house ready for company last month, which I've never done before. It was too expensive, but totally worth my peace of mind.
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milee
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Post by milee on Jun 12, 2017 10:50:57 GMT -5
Where are these rules written? Why do you guys think you have to follow them? The social pressure and judgment can be incredibly isolating if you don't. The one I struggle most with on and off is keeping the house and yard sparkly - heck, even presentable. Cleaning is something I really, truly hate with all fibers of my being and it's made worse by the fact that DH refuses to do at all and his attitude has made it slow going with getting reasonable participation from the boys. So unless I'm really on top of it doing the cleaning myself or supervising the boys (which creates other issues sometimes), then it tends to get ragged fast. Which means I'm uncomfortable having people over... because when people see a messy house, they don't assume bad things about the dad or kids; guess who gets the judgment...
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midjd
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Post by midjd on Jun 12, 2017 10:59:22 GMT -5
One thing that was really driven home for me this weekend is that many people who have seemingly perfect lives -- beautiful home with the white picket fence, 2.5 kids, Disney vacations twice a year, Pinterest parties, etc. -- are often dealing with some pretty horrible problems behind the scenes.
I try to keep that in mind whenever I find myself doing a mental comparison with someone who seems to have it all together... the few times I've been able to peek behind the curtain, it has been quite a surprise. (Not that there aren't high-achieving people who really do have near-perfect lives, but I think it's far more the exception than many of us are led to believe.)
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alabamagal
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Post by alabamagal on Jun 12, 2017 10:59:51 GMT -5
Your list looks pretty good! And to the one who posted that parents are expected, it is left to the mom to feel guilt!
There is even a commercial where Dad is fixing kid's lunch and puts in bag of chips. The kid is thrilled. The don't show all the mom's saying "looks like Dad packed the lunch today". Of course the commercial is for potato chip company.
I also laugh at the HGTV "must have open concept kitchen so I can see the kids, and they can do their homework at our oversized, overpriced giant kitchen island with marble countertops." I did not have an open concept kitchen, so I could go hide in the kitchen and fix the kids processed junk food for dinner!
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alabamagal
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Post by alabamagal on Jun 12, 2017 11:00:50 GMT -5
Where are these rules written? Why do you guys think you have to follow them? The social pressure and judgment can be incredibly isolating if you don't.The one I struggle most with on and off is keeping the house and yard sparkly - heck, even presentable. Cleaning is something I really, truly hate with all fibers of my being and it's made worse by the fact that DH refuses to do at all and his attitude has made it slow going with getting reasonable participation from the boys. So unless I'm really on top of it doing the cleaning myself or supervising the boys (which creates other issues sometimes), then it tends to get ragged fast. Which means I'm uncomfortable having people over... because when people see a messy house, they don't assume bad things about the dad or kids; guess who gets the judgment... Blame the internet!
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wvugurl26
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Post by wvugurl26 on Jun 12, 2017 11:05:10 GMT -5
Well apparently the Catholic Church has expectations. I'm doing this survey intended to facilitate discussion and one of the questions was if you'd discussed a mother's responsibilities.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Jun 12, 2017 11:05:58 GMT -5
One thing that was really driven home for me this weekend is that many people who have seemingly perfect lives -- beautiful home with the white picket fence, 2.5 kids, Disney vacations twice a year, Pinterest parties, etc. -- are often dealing with some pretty horrible problems behind the scenes. This is actually the reasons why we never adopted , but chose IF treatment instead. DH and I absolutely could not compete with these sorts of families (plus, you've forgotten heavy involvement with two sets of perfect grandparents). I didn't even want to try.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 12, 2017 11:11:40 GMT -5
I blame my mother. She is always judgemental and snarky about people and how they live/raise their kids, so I'm anxious and assume everyone else is also talking like this behind my back. Lately I've been getting really angry about it to her and lashing out when she makes comments about my cousin's son and the issues he's having and how it's her fault or how may aunt is enabling said cousin. She was NOT mother of the year material and has no right to talk down how someone else does it, she just got lucky that I was ok despite her. Now I suppose people think I'm a crappy daughter as well as a crappy mom.
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taz157
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Post by taz157 on Jun 12, 2017 11:13:54 GMT -5
MPL - I don't think you are a crappy mom or daughter. ((((Hugs))))
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bean29
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Post by bean29 on Jun 12, 2017 11:17:21 GMT -5
My husband can place high expectations on me...but no less than anything he expects of himself...so I just keep putting one foot in front of the other.
I applied for a second mortgage on the house and we are planning a Grad party for our DS in July. DH and DS have been landscaping. DH also rented our rental property, and he has done major work on it. He still has to fix the plumbing on the shower and put a shower door on - I think the guy is moving in next weekend. DH said he was going to work on it yesterday - but he was landscaping all day. I ran around (with DH a little bit) and bought a stove and refrigerator for the lower unit which was DH's old office and has never been rented previously, and a laundry center for the upper unit (old one was shot). All purchased from Sears outlet, but 2 different stores. DH intends to pick up, but I am toying with paying for delivery b/c he just has so little time.
Instead of getting major organizing done this weekend, I helped DH dig bearded irises out from his office so we could replant at the house and we also replanted some other plants (Idk what they are lol). I made one run to good will, put some items in my car to return (then I don't have to find a home for them). I was runner for plants, landscaping cloth, pins etc, made several trips and planted some annuals. I washed the sleeping bag DS used Memorial day weekend so we can put it away, brought in a bunch of stuff that came home from the kid's college apartment and found homes for them, and hopefully DD will come home today or tomorrow and take some stuff to the new apartment. I have to wash DS's comforter, and I told DS he could move downstairs...which will require moving 3 closets and 3 rooms of furniture, and I would like to put new carpet in DD's old room and repaint the kids old bedrooms. (DH is going to say no - but the bedding will not match the rooms and I am pretty sure I can get his brother to paint and deviously go around him)
My office looks like something exploded in it. Need to organize by July 7th. Our storage room is a mess (someone overflowed the washing machine) and DD owns way too many pair of shoes that came home b/c new apartment is a lot smaller than old apartment. I took a bunch of games to goodwill to give me some shelf space, and bought some plastic boxes to organize the shoes. Need to keep looking for stuff to so I can make room for stuff we should keep. DD is taking 12 credits this summer and working, so I can't count on her help.
My husband cooks most of the food we eat - he also mostly regards the lawn as his responsibility. Last weekend he came in from working outside and I swept and mopped the kitchen and bathrooms and vacuumed the living room floor while he was trying to relax. I felt bad b/c he deserved to relax...but he did not complain - Cleaning needs to happen on the weekend for us, given our work schedules.
I feel a lot of guilt that the house is not clean and organized, but my family keeps bring more stuff in and expects me to put it away/find a home for it.
On top of everything else DH needs to do, he has to fix DD's dresser. The drawer slides are all broken. I finally found the right parts, but he has to take the old off and put the new on. I would like to get someone to put pulls on the cabinets. DH can do it, but he just has such a long to-do list already. He also needs to stain the deck soon.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Jun 12, 2017 11:19:43 GMT -5
Our balance is really sucky right now, too.
I'm tired and overwhelmed. I'm trying to figure out where to cut back.
It's not even physical draining..it's emotionally draining. Three kids in the "I hate you, now hug me" and "Get away from me, why aren't you hugging me?" stage.
But, I AM knitting, because drinking is off the table for 6 more months.
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bean29
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Post by bean29 on Jun 12, 2017 11:22:29 GMT -5
I blame my mother. She is always judgemental and snarky about people and how they live/raise their kids, so I'm anxious and assume everyone else is also talking like this behind my back. Lately I've been getting really angry about it to her and lashing out when she makes comments about my cousin's son and the issues he's having and how it's her fault or how may aunt is enabling said cousin. She was NOT mother of the year material and has no right to talk down how someone else does it, she just got lucky that I was ok despite her. Now I suppose people think I'm a crappy daughter as well as a crappy mom. My Mother was telling me about her cousin's granddaughter's 6 grade grad and how the Principal said the poor girl couldn't wear a dress with spaghetti straps (he ultimately gave in). I gave her a lecture about Rape Culture, and told her that was why the principal probably gave in. Women especially are starting to fight nonsensical dress code restrictions. My Mom is usually pretty knowledgeable and PC, but I could tell she wasn't quite on the same page as me.
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emma1420
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Post by emma1420 on Jun 12, 2017 11:23:07 GMT -5
One thing that was really driven home for me this weekend is that many people who have seemingly perfect lives -- beautiful home with the white picket fence, 2.5 kids, Disney vacations twice a year, Pinterest parties, etc. -- are often dealing with some pretty horrible problems behind the scenes. I try to keep that in mind whenever I find myself doing a mental comparison with someone who seems to have it all together... the few times I've been able to peek behind the curtain, it has been quite a surprise. (Not that there aren't high-achieving people who really do have near-perfect lives, but I think it's far more the exception than many of us are led to believe.) What is the saying? Don't Compare Someone's Highlight Reel to Your Behind the Scenes. I think that is true for most people in most situations, especially with the advent of social media. Some people look like they have almost perfect lives. And some people actually do, but more people truly don't. I'm not a parent, but I always figured if a parent raise a kid who isn't in jail, on drugs, or dead, then they've accomplished what they need to accomplish. If the kid turns out to be a reasonably decent person and self-sufficient then you've done a fantastic job!
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naughtybear
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Post by naughtybear on Jun 12, 2017 11:24:18 GMT -5
This is why I am enjoying my life and time right now, toward the end of my marriage I was tired, tired of it all. Tired of adulting. Now I am so selfish of my time and I'm lazy and I don't care a hoot what other think.
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emma1420
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Post by emma1420 on Jun 12, 2017 11:24:48 GMT -5
One thing that was really driven home for me this weekend is that many people who have seemingly perfect lives -- beautiful home with the white picket fence, 2.5 kids, Disney vacations twice a year, Pinterest parties, etc. -- are often dealing with some pretty horrible problems behind the scenes. This is actually the reasons why we never adopted , but chose IF treatment instead. DH and I absolutely could not compete with these sorts of families (plus, you've forgotten heavy involvement with two sets of perfect grandparents).I didn't even want to try. This has always been my big fear, aside from the costs involved. I simply can't compete in a private adoptions setting. I'm single and I don't have the ability to lavish material goods and expensive experiences onto a child, however much I might wish to be able to do so.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Jun 12, 2017 11:43:56 GMT -5
Time vs. Money.
It's all a double edged sword.
We do a lot of things swamp mentioned, actually, in her OP and beyond.
Some of it is we have no choice, though, given our parameters. We HAVE to eat family meals. Because there's no money for eating out. DH doesn't really buy processed foods anymore. Maybe the kids eat one processed dinner a week?
My kids DO get a crap ton of unstructured time, and generally we like to make them play outside for a set amount of time...otherwise they really can be assholes.
We do things like make tornados in a bottle, DH made the girls bunk beds for their AG dolls and sewed them pillows and mattresses, etc. because that's what we can offer them. We cannot offer them a nanny or a summer full of camps to keep them busy.
We also do have to mind DS with his homework. Because he wouldn't do it otherwise....and well, I'd prefer him not to fail 3 years of middle school.
They've had some awesome at home birthday parties, complete with friends throwing tantrums when they have to leave.
We do volunteer with the school, because it's an expectation (part of the contract, actually).
And, yes, I knit DS a hat this year to wear for school. But it was a cheaper option (at between $2-3) than buying him a new one that he would lose. And he asked for it, and that is one place I CAN meet him.
However, I don't think these things make me a better parent. I don't do these things because I want to look better or feel superior.
I do them, because that's what we can afford.
Trust me, on the other side, I feel like a failure because we can't take our kids to Europe as planned. I mean, really, I know my kids would prefer Europe to tornado in a bottle and raiding my stash to find fabric to make pillows out of.
We have to make choices: vacations OR windows. Can't have both.
We're never going to be at a point, now, where it's worth it for DH to work full time. Child care next summer is going to run us almost 10K with four kids. That alone, would be 1/3 of his yearly gross pay. I can't take on another job just so he can work full time.
I suppose I should have married someone that had a higher income potential. At least we could afford more, and afford to hire things out.
But, we'd have less time. Less time for family dinners. Less time for games of Monopoly. Less time for being able to volunteer as per our school contract. Less time for hobbies for ourselves. Less time to enjoy the grands while they are still around. No time for me to go back to school.
I don't expect all families to value time and money the same. Each has it's own advantages and disadvantages.
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weltschmerz
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Post by weltschmerz on Jun 12, 2017 11:48:50 GMT -5
I just call it a "free-range house". Works for me!
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alabamagal
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Post by alabamagal on Jun 12, 2017 11:49:32 GMT -5
My DD once went to school with shoes that didn't match. And she is now a reasonable well adjusted young adult. She was in middle school, and she had 2 similar pairs of shoes. She waited until the last minute to get out of bed and then got in the car with shoes in her hands. When she went to put them on, she realized she had 2 left shoes, but we were already at the school, 7 miles from home. I told her it was her problem. She went to school reception area and was able to borrow an extra pair from lost and found to wear during the day.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Jun 12, 2017 11:51:27 GMT -5
I just wish we could all be honest about parenthood.
I remember, once..one of my clients was writing me out a check for the month of lessons and said "Oh, it's July 23" (or whatever date it was)..That's the day I found out I was pregnant with my first. That was NOT a good day.
I was like, OMG. Thank you for telling me that sometimes motherhood is not some fantabulous blessing 24/7.
She did more for me that day than many people did. I doubt she even knew it.
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gooddecisions
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Post by gooddecisions on Jun 12, 2017 11:51:46 GMT -5
I struggle big time with a baby, toddler and preschooler. I have a somewhat demanding full-time job, but have huge guilt if my kids are stuck in daycare more than 9 house/day. So i take work home every night. Somehow I keep the house clean, laundry done, limit screen time and provide home cooked sit down dinners every evening. I exercise at 5 am. I am afraid if I let anything slide, everything will unravel.
My low point this weekend was taking all 3 to my 5 year olds soccer game, my 3 year old had to poop and there were only port on potties. I had to take the baby with me of course and there was no easy way to help the three year old while holding the baby.
I really wish I had more help then daycare. I try so hard, but when my kids get whiney, then I get whiney. I hate nagging and hate myself when I yell at them.
Also I don't have the time or patience to work with my 5 year old on her reading, so she might end up starting kindergarten behind.
Daycare wouldn't take my 1 year old this morning because she has a fever, but I don't have time to take a sick day. So I am trying to work from home and not fall behind. I would love to just take a sick day and not worry about work. Sigh, yes I am tired.
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taz157
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Post by taz157 on Jun 12, 2017 11:59:06 GMT -5
FWIW, my 5 year started kindergarten not knowing how to read. She just finished Kindergarten and she can read in her expected grade level.
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bean29
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Post by bean29 on Jun 12, 2017 12:05:43 GMT -5
My DD once went to school with shoes that didn't match. And she is now a reasonable well adjusted young adult. She was in middle school, and she had 2 similar pairs of shoes. She waited until the last minute to get out of bed and then got in the car with shoes in her hands. When she went to put them on, she realized she had 2 left shoes, but we were already at the school, 7 miles from home. I told her it was her problem. She went to school reception area and was able to borrow an extra pair from lost and found to wear during the day. Mean Mom! jk, I create my own problems. I would have run home and gotten her different shoes and been late for work! My DD was so spoiled. I know other people don't do all this, and still I have expectations for myself to be the perfect parent, and I do the stuff knowing it may well be better for me to do what you did and make her suffer the consequences of her disorganization/irresponsibility.
My friends and family don't expect my house to be a mess, and it is not going to "show well" if I don't get it organized for our big party. So I will just have to create organization and purge as much as possible. DH has been bringing stuff in too - the lady that owned the house next to his office died and he keeps bringing stuff home. I told him I don't have spaces for anything so don't bring it home. He brought home a cute little red bull refrigerator but it looks horrible on the bar, he brought home a cute jewelry box "mantle clock" but the clock doesn't work - I finally stuck it in the garage. He has a full size mattress and a futon in the garage for our tenant (grr!), he complained to me yesterday that he was frustrated he couldn't put his car in the garage and I just told him that he created his own problem by bringing that stuff home.
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MJ2.0
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Post by MJ2.0 on Jun 12, 2017 12:17:09 GMT -5
FWIW, my 5 year started kindergarten not knowing how to read. She just finished Kindergarten and she can read in her expected grade level. Same. DS is now reading pretty well... Too well sometimes, lol!
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cael
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Post by cael on Jun 12, 2017 12:31:27 GMT -5
I'm only a year in, but I've already realized I have no shame in being lazy, my kid is happy and loved, I do the best I can for him, and he has tons of people who love him. I haven't gotten to the point yet where we have other kids/families to feel like we need to "keep up" with yet though, so come back to me in 4 or 5 years. (my best friends are the same with their parenting as me, so no judgement between any of us) I realize there are things we'll want to do, like sports/music lessons, but not to a ridiculous point that we can't have a night at home together sometimes. I realize I want him comfortable with technology, but he isn't getting his own TV and tablet at age 4 or whatever people do. I realize he does not need to be entertained every single second by me and that he needs to learn to entertain himself - which is better for him and will help him be independent and creative. I realize I have no time to make pintrest style lunchboxes or whatever people do. I realize my house is never going to be always clean and organized, and honestly IDGAF. I realize he'll develop at his own speed so I don't compare him to other babies or kids we know - and if he doesn't, he has attentive parents who will get him any help he needs. I realize Elf on a Shelf is creepy AF and will not be tolerated in my house. Not gonna lie, it exhausts me, but I kind of like schlepping him around to things. I wonder if I'll love schlepping him to activities/lessons/games as a bigger kid or if I'll hate my life. I think it's partially because I work full time so I feel like if I can take him around to do all the things on weekends, I won't feel as bad not being able to do much with him during the weekdays. I wish people would just worry about what they want to do or what works for them, and not feel so much pressure to keep up. People who want to 'keep up', more power to you - nothing wrong with not doing it either though. I have no shame in being lazy and off the beaten path. Short version I guess is that I'm far enough beyond giving many fucks what other people think of me, so we'll see if it continues to translate over into being a parent. So far it has, but he's only 1. (and I do knit, like a boss, but I just haven't had time to lately! Need to knit him a thing or two for next fall/winter. )
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