NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Jun 12, 2017 14:36:54 GMT -5
I know it doesn't help now but I've said it before It does get better and all will work out eventually. Don't be so hard on yourselves ladies. If I could I would give everyone a big hug and say "you are OK as a Mom" I really feel for Moms today.
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swasat
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Post by swasat on Jun 12, 2017 14:39:53 GMT -5
Whats also not helping me is having an overachieving son. The kid is in gifted math program at school and SOOOOOO driven he wants me to put him in math tutoring this summer. He will starting 7th grade this fall, has already covered all 7th grade common core curriculum last year while in 6th grade and some of 8th grade as well, and now does not want to "waste" his summer by doing nothing. His plan is to cover all of 8th grade math during summer by going to Kumon or some such place so he is ahead when school starts and can focus on 9th grade math. That kid tires me. Greatly. We have been holding off, primarily because we'll have to do the toting him around in a car. He got mad at me over the weekend because I don't see his POV. I do kiddo, I really do!! But....I am tired. Hi can't ride his bike there and back most days (maybe not every day, but most days over the summer) to make it easier? if he's that driven to go, i think he'd likely be reliable at getting there Unfortunately there are no bike paths he can take to get to the tutoring classes. Although its all within 2-3 miles area, there are major roads to cross or take and since he is 12, we are not comfortable with him riding his bike on really heavy traffic roads. So it'll have to be us who have to drive him there.
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swasat
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Post by swasat on Jun 12, 2017 14:43:03 GMT -5
Hi can't ride his bike there and back most days (maybe not every day, but most days over the summer) to make it easier? if he's that driven to go, i think he'd likely be reliable at getting there Have you tried setting him up with something online like Khan academy? If he's self motivated that might be all he needs instead of personal instruction. He does Khan Academy off and on, but I hadn't thought of it as a regular thing. Good idea, I'll discuss with him tonight.
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swasat
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Post by swasat on Jun 12, 2017 14:44:50 GMT -5
Unfortunately there are no bike paths he can take to get to the tutoring classes. Although its all within 2-3 miles area, there are major roads to cross or take and since he is 12, we are not comfortable with him riding his bike on really heavy traffic roads. So it'll have to be us who have to drive him there. uber or lyft? Uber will take them as long as an adult requests it.Again, hadn't thought of that! As you can see i am tired and my brain is shot. Good idea and thanks!
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NastyWoman
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Post by NastyWoman on Jun 12, 2017 14:55:11 GMT -5
Archie's thread about his wife's anxiety stirred up some not so happy issues with me.
It seems like moms are held up to this impossibly high standard today.
Before the kids go to school, I'm supposed to supply them with all sorts of intellectually stimulating activities.
Now they are in school, I'm supposed to help them with their homework daily.
Feed them home cooked organic food and don't let them eat junk, fried stuff, hot dogs, processed foods.
Keep them enrolled in assorted activities. Which they should excel at. We can't have average children.
Have dinner as a family.
Make sure they have enough unstructured play time outside.
Make sure they are developing socially and have plenty of "friend" time with kids of like minded parents. We can't let them have screen time and junk food at a friends house. God forbid that parent smokes.
Supply Pinterest worthy homemade snacks and party favors at school functions.
Scrap book all memories.
While I'm doing this, my house is supposed to be clean, organized, and filled with Pinteresty decoractions I've made myself. All while I run a business, eat home cooked organic meals, exercise regularly, and maintain my figure. By being overweight, I'm setting a bad example for my kids.
I'm tired. My kids eat too much crap, don't play outside enough, and spend too much time playing video games and playing with their iPads.
Almost anybody can do all of this PROVIDED SOMEONE GIVES THEM THE RIGHT "TOOLS"
So let me tell you about how I managed. While I did not have a paying job I volunteerd for 50+ hours per week → no problem. BUT I had a housekeeper who, aside from everything else was an extremely good cook. We lived in a company provided house (rent paid) and in addition to the housekeeper, there was a second person to help with the cleaning, a gardener for the huge yard (these three we paid for), a company provided car and driver and a nightguard. So if I needed to go somewhere and I could not schlep the kids along the housekeeper wathed them. A little later if DS1 and DS2 had conflicting schedules I would take one kid and take him and the driver would take the other one. Etc., etc., etc. so nothing to it. But if anyone tries to hold you to these ridiculous standard your answer should always be: sure so when are you providing me with xyz? Oh, you're not? Well then kindly STFU.
I don't think my kids would have made it to adulthood if anyone had expected me to do all this stuff by myself!!! This is just plain ridiculous. I think cael has the right (and attainable) answer: just stop caring what others want.
Early on (before we moved to the tropics) if someone didn't like the way my house looked I pointed them to where the cleaning supplies were. I worked too to a certain extend, since my sisters all liked to wash windows and they didn't have their own homes yet Now xH wanted me to do things his mom did which was much more work and I didn't want to. So I told him that he could (a) do it himself , (b) move back to mom, or (c ) put up with how I did things. His choices were always (a) or (c ) but decidedly leaning toward (c ).
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swasat
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Post by swasat on Jun 12, 2017 14:56:43 GMT -5
Archie's thread about his wife's anxiety stirred up some not so happy issues with me.
It seems like moms are held up to this impossibly high standard today.
Before the kids go to school, I'm supposed to supply them with all sorts of intellectually stimulating activities.
Now they are in school, I'm supposed to help them with their homework daily.
Feed them home cooked organic food and don't let them eat junk, fried stuff, hot dogs, processed foods.
Keep them enrolled in assorted activities. Which they should excel at. We can't have average children.
Have dinner as a family.
Make sure they have enough unstructured play time outside.
Make sure they are developing socially and have plenty of "friend" time with kids of like minded parents. We can't let them have screen time and junk food at a friends house. God forbid that parent smokes.
Supply Pinterest worthy homemade snacks and party favors at school functions.
Scrap book all memories.
While I'm doing this, my house is supposed to be clean, organized, and filled with Pinteresty decoractions I've made myself. All while I run a business, eat home cooked organic meals, exercise regularly, and maintain my figure. By being overweight, I'm setting a bad example for my kids.
I'm tired. My kids eat too much crap, don't play outside enough, and spend too much time playing video games and playing with their iPads.
Almost anybody can do all of this PROVIDED SOMEONE GIVES THEM THE RIGHT "TOOLS"
So let me tell you about how I managed. While I did not have a paying job I volunteerd for 50+ hours per week → no problem. BUT I had a housekeeper who, aside from everything else was an extremely good cook. We lived in a company provided house (rent paid) and in addition to the housekeeper, there was a second person to help with the cleaning, a gardener for the huge yard (these three we paid for), a company provided car and driver and a nightguard. So if I needed to go somewhere and I could not schlep the kids along the housekeeper wathed them. A little later if DS1 and DS2 had conflicting schedules I would take one kid and take him and the driver would take the other one. Etc., etc., etc. so nothing to it. But if anyone tries to hold you to these ridiculous standard your answer should always be: sure so when are you providing me with xyz? Oh, you're not? Well then kindly STFU.
I don't think my kids would have made it to adulthood if anyone had expected me to do all this stuff by myself!!! This is just plain ridiculous. I think cael has the right (and attainable) answer: just stop caring what others want.
Early on (before we moved to the tropics) if someone didn't like the way my house looked I pointed them to where the cleaning supplies were. I worked too to a certain extend, since my sisters all liked to wash windows and they didn't have their own homes yet Now xH wanted me to do things his mom did which was much more work and I didn't want to. So I told him that he could (a) do it himself , (b) move back to mom, or (c ) put up with how I did things. His choices were always (a) or (c ) but decidedly leaning toward (c ).
Show off !!! I hate you
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NastyWoman
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Post by NastyWoman on Jun 12, 2017 14:58:32 GMT -5
Almost anybody can do all of this PROVIDED SOMEONE GIVES THEM THE RIGHT "TOOLS"
So let me tell you about how I managed. While I did not have a paying job I volunteerd for 50+ hours per week → no problem. BUT I had a housekeeper who, aside from everything else was an extremely good cook. We lived in a company provided house (rent paid) and in addition to the housekeeper, there was a second person to help with the cleaning, a gardener for the huge yard (these three we paid for), a company provided car and driver and a nightguard. So if I needed to go somewhere and I could not schlep the kids along the housekeeper wathed them. A little later if DS1 and DS2 had conflicting schedules I would take one kid and take him and the driver would take the other one. Etc., etc., etc. so nothing to it. But if anyone tries to hold you to these ridiculous standard your answer should always be: sure so when are you providing me with xyz? Oh, you're not? Well then kindly STFU.
I don't think my kids would have made it to adulthood if anyone had expected me to do all this stuff by myself!!! This is just plain ridiculous. I think cael has the right (and attainable) answer: just stop caring what others want.
Early on (before we moved to the tropics) if someone didn't like the way my house looked I pointed them to where the cleaning supplies were. I worked too to a certain extend, since my sisters all liked to wash windows and they didn't have their own homes yet Now xH wanted me to do things his mom did which was much more work and I didn't want to. So I told him that he could (a) do it himself , (b) move back to mom, or (c ) put up with how I did things. His choices were always (a) or (c ) but decidedly leaning toward (c ).
Show off !!! I hate you I love you too and the only reason for my post was to show exactly how ridiculous those expectations are!
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cael
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Post by cael on Jun 12, 2017 15:00:04 GMT -5
It's really hard to stop caring what others think/want sometimes! Easier said than done - I used to be in that boat myself, I don't know what changed except that I got older and more assertive and realized some things are just not worth expending the emotional energy on.
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swasat
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Post by swasat on Jun 12, 2017 15:01:12 GMT -5
I know I want all those gardeners and drivers and house cleaners and window cleaners in my life too. Sigh. I once tried hiring all sorts of help. But then it became a problem of managing the help!! So many schedules to keep, so many people to keep straight, so much managing to do. So I gave up. Now I just have a house cleaner, who quit a few months ago and I haven't found a replacement yet. Life can suck it!!
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jun 12, 2017 15:02:48 GMT -5
I've always set a high bar for myself. That was the first comment out of every teacher's mouth during parent/teacher conferences going back to kindergarten. Outside voices feed into that. Separating and combating the two can be really difficult.
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busymom
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Post by busymom on Jun 12, 2017 15:05:57 GMT -5
It's really hard to stop caring what others think/want sometimes! Easier said than done - I used to be in that boat myself, I don't know what changed except that I got older and more assertive and realized some things are just not worth expending the emotional energy on. Truth! My "give a darn" is busted. If you're coming over to my house to see me, great (just ignore what it may look like). But, if you're coming over to inspect my house, hit the road, Jack!
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yogiii
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Post by yogiii on Jun 12, 2017 15:16:20 GMT -5
speaking of all of this. our family is looking at two things 1. this summer, kids are moving to summer camp (same camp that will do before/after care when they start kindy in Sept). DW is talking to her work to see if she can work 7-3 for the forseeable future and that way I could get them to "before school" care at 7:30 (they will walk them to school) and then DW could meet them at the bus after school. it would change our evenings from - can you pick up tonight or do you need me to do so? - pickup parent gets kids home around 6 - non-pickup parent gets home perhaps 10 minutes sooner and starts dinner - nag tired kids we haven't seen since 7:30am to hurry up and eat - shower time - pajamas, brush teeth story time 7:15 then to bed -- so as a family we have from 6-7:15 to make and eat dinner, have them take showers, brush teeth, change into pajamas and any actual bonding we might try to pull off. it sucks. we're tired too, so as much as we're missing them, we don't want to extend the time because we usually have to put our feet up a little, fold laundry, work some more for work, deal with stuff for the house/rentals, etc. IF she does the new schedule, the three of them would be home around 3:30, and would now have almost 4 hours to do the above plus actually get to play/unwind, hang out, etc. I'd still be getting home just before 6, but we wouldnt' have to do anything by that point really, and so no rushing/etc. I think, if we can pull it off, that it will be good. it will mean that I have to get them ready, fed, lunches, and delivered to before school care with no help, which is usually fine, unless a kid is dragging their feet and i'm stressed due to an early meeting or issue brewing at the office. 2. we are also looking hard at our home expansion plans. there is a big part of me that says, hey, we could afford for DW to stay home if we downsized and moved out a little bit, vs if we double down and invest more into living where we are. dunno This is my life too. I see my kids about 2 hours a day and I'm just soooooooo tired. I feel like during the week all I do is tell them to hurry up. Then I spend all evening washing 4 sets of lunch containers to refill them again, laundry, workout, etc. DH helps but it's just too much. My favorites are the weekends where I'm told how much I stink since I'm not constantly spending time with a grandparent . A little birdie said I should go back to part time, maybe soon. Oh and DH has been doing all the morning stuff for a few years, you'll be fine!
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Jun 12, 2017 15:30:56 GMT -5
I'm not trying to keep up with or impress anyone. I'm trying to do things I enjoy, things the kids enjoy, stay employed/employable, save enough money as not to be a burden on anyone, and keep the house/yard in decent enough shape as to not interfere with any of the above. There are things I could cut out of my life that make it simpler, and I certainly do that when I have to but I hate it when life is all about work and chores which is what it is when you start cutting all the rest of that out.
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swasat
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Post by swasat on Jun 12, 2017 15:45:51 GMT -5
This thread has been very therapeutic for me. Its somehow very calming to see sooo many people suffering through the same things in life. Misery loves company
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ArchietheDragon
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Post by ArchietheDragon on Jun 12, 2017 15:46:41 GMT -5
This is my life too. I see my kids about 2 hours a day and I'm just soooooooo tired. I feel like during the week all I do is tell them to hurry up. Then I spend all evening washing 4 sets of lunch containers to refill them again, laundry, workout, etc. DH helps but it's just too much. My favorites are the weekends where I'm told how much I stink since I'm not constantly spending time with a grandparent . A little birdie said I should go back to part time, maybe soon. Oh and DH has been doing all the morning stuff for a few years, you'll be fine! yes, i want positive time with them, and just feel like most of our during the week time is just us nagging them endlessly. it makes me very sad My wife keeps saying that she doesn't want to be remembered as a mom who just yelled all of the time...
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gooddecisions
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Post by gooddecisions on Jun 12, 2017 16:00:38 GMT -5
yes, i want positive time with them, and just feel like most of our during the week time is just us nagging them endlessly. it makes me very sad My wife keeps saying that she doesn't want to be remembered as a mom who just yelled all of the time... That exactly how I remember my mom and she has been dead a long time. And it is also why hate myself every time I yell because of the lack of cooperation and losing my patience because I don't have time to keep asking nicely.
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dee27
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Post by dee27 on Jun 12, 2017 16:18:25 GMT -5
While reading this thread, a funny realization popped into my head. As Moms we are all racing through a rat maze, but at the end there is no cheese or wine.
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Lizard Queen
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103/2024
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Post by Lizard Queen on Jun 12, 2017 16:22:53 GMT -5
there is wine and cheetos for me at the end of most every day. Sometimes earlier, depending on how terrible the kids are behaving!
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kittensaver
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Post by kittensaver on Jun 12, 2017 16:28:33 GMT -5
I'm out on the other side of all of this (both girls grown & gone, with families and careers of their own), and I agree wholeheartedly with NoNamePerson that it DOES eventually get better.
As much as it doesn't fit our notions of what life is "supposed" to be like (no thanks to Pinterest!!!!! ) I believe that there are some days and some seasons of life that just need to be "survived" - forget picture perfect.
Whoever said that as long as kids are fed, clothed, given a modicum of stability/routine (I'm thinking of bedtimes here), are performing adequately in school and at end the day are still alive, THAT is success - is correct
I also agree that there is greater pressure on mothers today than in previous generations. At home, women are supposed to tend to their children like they don't have a career, but at work they're supposed to behave and produce like they don't have children. It's unfair and untenable pressure. Good for those of you who are pushing back! You have my admiration.
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Jun 12, 2017 17:01:19 GMT -5
yes, i want positive time with them, and just feel like most of our during the week time is just us nagging them endlessly. it makes me very sad My wife keeps saying that she doesn't want to be remembered as a mom who just yelled all of the time... My son said my silence was more terrifying than my yelling. He also can tell you of my head spinning demonic fits. He managed to turn out OK in spite of me.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Jun 12, 2017 17:25:22 GMT -5
My personal experience was the peak of expectations and child braggery was 4th grade. They were still young enough that we were expected to make their life magical and perfect, all while they over achieved at whatever ridiculous rate. Then it started to fall off, and I noticed that more and more parents were either too tired to keep it up, or their kids had become too old to impress them with pinterest construction paper crap, or whatever. And by 8th grade if you run into a parent that is still keeping up those crazy expectations of themselves their kid starts suffering from helicopter parents. And the kids get weird. And their friends notice. And things become very strained at home. By freshman year, all of us parents are trying to "out relax" each other. Of course, my kids are still high achieving douche berries and I still brag about them. But hang in there and just relax. It will all be okay, I think.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Jun 12, 2017 17:59:48 GMT -5
yes, i want positive time with them, and just feel like most of our during the week time is just us nagging them endlessly. it makes me very sad My wife keeps saying that she doesn't want to be remembered as a mom who just yelled all of the time... I didn't want to be that mom either, so I just stopped yelling. It wasn't that effective anyway. It iant like my kids would suddenly start behaving when I started yelling (or just continued from my previous rant into whatever my new complaint was.) When I was really pissed, my kids and I would go into their room and "talk". Man, did they hate that! If I need them yelled at, I tell my husband to do it. I couldn't stand the sound of my shrill, pathetic voice anymore. So, I just stopped.
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ArchietheDragon
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Post by ArchietheDragon on Jun 12, 2017 18:01:56 GMT -5
My wife keeps saying that she doesn't want to be remembered as a mom who just yelled all of the time... I didn't want to be that mom either, so I just stopped yelling. It wasn't that effective anyway. It iant like my kids would suddenly start behaving when I started yelling (or just continued from my previous rant into whatever my new complaint was.) When I was really pissed, my kids and I would go into their room and "talk". Man, did they hate that! If I need them yelled at, I tell my husband to do it. I couldn't stand the sound of my shrill, pathetic voice anymore. So, I just stopped. I think we are getting close to that. We just have to bottom out first and I really hope we are close to the bottom.
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crazycat
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Post by crazycat on Jun 12, 2017 18:04:11 GMT -5
Again, hadn't thought of that! As you can see i am tired and my brain is shot. Good idea and thanks! Also , don't know where you live but there's HopSkipDrive . A service that is essentially a kid taxi . 😀
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Jun 12, 2017 18:04:57 GMT -5
Does she recognize that the yelling isn't working? That is the first step.
Also, you are at the worst intersection of high energy and minimal maturity. That is such an amazingly horrible combination.
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ArchietheDragon
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Post by ArchietheDragon on Jun 12, 2017 18:26:43 GMT -5
Does she recognize that the yelling isn't working? That is the first step. Also, you are at the worst intersection of high energy and minimal maturity. That is such an amazingly horrible combination. Not quite but almost. Unfortunately the only thing the kids respond to right now is one of their parents melting down in a fit of rage.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jun 12, 2017 18:39:48 GMT -5
Does she recognize that the yelling isn't working? That is the first step. Also, you are at the worst intersection of high energy and minimal maturity. That is such an amazingly horrible combination. Not quite but almost. Unfortunately the only thing the kids respond to right now is one of their parents melting down in a fit of rage. That means they know you aren't serious unless you scream. Time to fix that.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Jun 12, 2017 19:32:47 GMT -5
My wife keeps saying that she doesn't want to be remembered as a mom who just yelled all of the time... I didn't want to be that mom either, so I just stopped yelling. It wasn't that effective anyway. It iant like my kids would suddenly start behaving when I started yelling (or just continued from my previous rant into whatever my new complaint was.) When I was really pissed, my kids and I would go into their room and "talk". Man, did they hate that! If I need them yelled at, I tell my husband to do it. I couldn't stand the sound of my shrill, pathetic voice anymore. So, I just stopped. I took DS out last week to the mall, to talk about him being a mouth, uncooperative teen. We had a nice chat over pretzels. I told him he'd better waiting outside so I could just grab him after I got done with work. His response "I'm scared." I find with my kids, natural consequences work best. I don't think they are mean.. Kids can't pick up their stuff. Well, they must have too much. Pare back until they own a manageable amount of things. Can't stop arguing about a toy? Sorry, it has to be put away. Can't put your gum wrappers in the trash? No more gum. Kids don't help? Ok. your choice. Just don't ask me to be available for things you want. Because I won't. Sorry. Can't behave even if we've talked about the rules beforehand? Well, I guess we just can't do that activity anymore. Can't behave in the same room together. Then everyone stays in their own room, and you go to the bathroom when I tell you, and eat when I tell you. It's like my version of solitary. DH is tired of hearing the kids complain about dinner. It sounds like they are on their own next week. My 5 yo knows how to make pb and j sandwiches and grab an apple from the fridge. They can figure it out themselves. Shoot. I even had to make the peanut walk home from a family activity when she was 4. I felt like such a terrible parent. But I was tired of the 3-6 daily fights just over the car seat with her. I told her I was done fighting. She had two choices, she cooperates or she walked home with me. She wouldn't get strapped in without physical restraint. So we walked home fairly far. DH did wait for us, I gave her the choice again, and she cooperated. I think we had a handful of fights after that.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 12, 2017 19:36:02 GMT -5
Watching Bad Moms in honor of this thread.
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Jun 12, 2017 19:43:55 GMT -5
Archie's thread about his wife's anxiety stirred up some not so happy issues with me.
It seems like moms are held up to this impossibly high standard today.
Before the kids go to school, I'm supposed to supply them with all sorts of intellectually stimulating activities.
Now they are in school, I'm supposed to help them with their homework daily.
Feed them home cooked organic food and don't let them eat junk, fried stuff, hot dogs, processed foods.
Keep them enrolled in assorted activities. Which they should excel at. We can't have average children.
Have dinner as a family.
Make sure they have enough unstructured play time outside.
Make sure they are developing socially and have plenty of "friend" time with kids of like minded parents. We can't let them have screen time and junk food at a friends house. God forbid that parent smokes.
Supply Pinterest worthy homemade snacks and party favors at school functions.
Scrap book all memories.
While I'm doing this, my house is supposed to be clean, organized, and filled with Pinteresty decoractions I've made myself. All while I run a business, eat home cooked organic meals, exercise regularly, and maintain my figure. By being overweight, I'm setting a bad example for my kids.
I'm tired. My kids eat too much crap, don't play outside enough, and spend too much time playing video games and playing with their iPads.
Almost anybody can do all of this PROVIDED SOMEONE GIVES THEM THE RIGHT "TOOLS"
So let me tell you about how I managed. While I did not have a paying job I volunteerd for 50+ hours per week → no problem. BUT I had a housekeeper who, aside from everything else was an extremely good cook. We lived in a company provided house (rent paid) and in addition to the housekeeper, there was a second person to help with the cleaning, a gardener for the huge yard (these three we paid for), a company provided car and driver and a nightguard. So if I needed to go somewhere and I could not schlep the kids along the housekeeper wathed them. A little later if DS1 and DS2 had conflicting schedules I would take one kid and take him and the driver would take the other one. Etc., etc., etc. so nothing to it. But if anyone tries to hold you to these ridiculous standard your answer should always be: sure so when are you providing me with xyz? Oh, you're not? Well then kindly STFU.
I don't think my kids would have made it to adulthood if anyone had expected me to do all this stuff by myself!!! This is just plain ridiculous. I think cael has the right (and attainable) answer: just stop caring what others want.
Early on (before we moved to the tropics) if someone didn't like the way my house looked I pointed them to where the cleaning supplies were. I worked too to a certain extend, since my sisters all liked to wash windows and they didn't have their own homes yet Now xH wanted me to do things his mom did which was much more work and I didn't want to. So I told him that he could (a) do it himself , (b) move back to mom, or (c ) put up with how I did things. His choices were always (a) or (c ) but decidedly leaning toward (c ).
Ok, I want your life!!
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