Getting the runaround (breaking up)

[Deleted]

Dec 14, 2015 13:24:55 GMT -5 tloonya said:

Dec 14, 2015 10:58:19 GMT -5 @pinkcshmere said:

I kind of understand that feeling. I feel like I deserve to be happy (and so do you. I think all good people deserve a shot at happiness), but sometimes I feel like maybe it's not meant for me to be happy. It seems like every time I stumble up on something that makes me happy, something comes along to screw it up quickly or something happens to steal that joyful feeling. It can be something as simple as having an awesome day, then that evening something happens to wreck my nerves.

But I try not to let that keep me from trying to be joyful and finding things that I'm happy about and grateful for. You shouldn't let it stop you either. I understand that it's very hard for you to try to be happy right now. But as you slowly put yourself back together, keep in mind that you're no less deserving of happiness than anyone else. When you think you don't deserve it, those thoughts are from the devil. Don't listen to them. 

I can so relate to this!
A times when I am happy I am stopping myself and thinking if I am happy now - it will turn into something not so good. Always been like that. It sucks!
And when I hear that no one can make you happy only you can - it drives me nuts.
HOW am I supposed to perform this transformation? Anyone?

I think that happy feelings do come and go, and are usually dependant on something external, like circumstance or some good thing that happens and makes you feel happy at that moment.

That other thing that only you can give yourself, I prefer to call it joy. Imo, that's a state of being, a way of life. People can feel joy in spite of circumstances, because it's a state of mind. Like have you ever known or heard about someone that is dealing with a serious or even terminal illness, but they seem to have made their peace with it, and try to enjoy life as much as they can anyway and still find things to smile about? That's just an example (and maybe a bad one) but that's the first one that came to mind. Those people aren't happy because of their circumstances, they try to be happy in spite of them. Sometimes finding some good things to be grateful about and working on their perspective can help keep a person from getting overwhelmed by negative things that they have no control over. That has to come from within, nobody can do that for you.

That's just my interpretation of that saying. Doesn't mean I got it right lol.

[tloonya]

Dec 14, 2015 13:41:09 GMT -5 @pinkcshmere said:

Dec 14, 2015 13:24:55 GMT -5 tloonya said:

I can so relate to this!
A times when I am happy I am stopping myself and thinking if I am happy now - it will turn into something not so good. Always been like that. It sucks!
And when I hear that no one can make you happy only you can - it drives me nuts.
HOW am I supposed to perform this transformation? Anyone?

I think that happy feelings do come and go, and are usually dependant on something external, like circumstance or some good thing that happens and makes you feel happy at that moment.

That other thing that only you can give yourself, I prefer to call it joy. Imo, that's a state of being, a way of life. People can feel joy in spite of circumstances, because it's a state of mind. Like have you ever known or heard about someone that is dealing with a serious or even terminal illness, but they seem to have made their peace with it, and try to enjoy life as much as they can anyway and still find things to smile about? That's just an example (and maybe a bad one) but that's the first one that came to mind. Those people aren't happy because of their circumstances, they try to be happy in spite of them. Sometimes finding some good things to be grateful about and working on their perspective can help keep a person from getting overwhelmed by negative things that they have no control over. That has to come from within, nobody can do that for you.

That's just my interpretation of that saying. Doesn't mean I got it right lol.

Some people jut born happy/positive. Some aren't. Like me.
So if there is a born bitch out there who changed herself in Cinderella - share please.

[Deleted]

Dec 14, 2015 13:47:38 GMT -5 tloonya said:

Dec 14, 2015 13:41:09 GMT -5 @pinkcshmere said:

I think that happy feelings do come and go, and are usually dependant on something external, like circumstance or some good thing that happens and makes you feel happy at that moment.

That other thing that only you can give yourself, I prefer to call it joy. Imo, that's a state of being, a way of life. People can feel joy in spite of circumstances, because it's a state of mind. Like have you ever known or heard about someone that is dealing with a serious or even terminal illness, but they seem to have made their peace with it, and try to enjoy life as much as they can anyway and still find things to smile about? That's just an example (and maybe a bad one) but that's the first one that came to mind. Those people aren't happy because of their circumstances, they try to be happy in spite of them. Sometimes finding some good things to be grateful about and working on their perspective can help keep a person from getting overwhelmed by negative things that they have no control over. That has to come from within, nobody can do that for you.

That's just my interpretation of that saying. Doesn't mean I got it right lol.

Some people jut born happy/positive. Some aren't. Like me.
So if there is a born bitch out there who changed herself in Cinderella - share please.

I'm somewhere between being born a happy/positive person and being a born bitch. Then my life fell apart and I was truly unhappy for a long time. That's when I came to my conclusions about living a joyful life. I decided that if I wanted to try to be happy, I needed to try to fix the things I had control over. The things I had no control over or wasn't willing to fix (like my job that paid the bills but I hated), I had to work on changing my perspective about them.

So not a Cinderella story, but I did accept that even when I feel like my life is out of control, I'm in control of how I handle it and my attitude about it. I can choose to dwell in misery and focus on everything that's wrong or I can choose to fix what I can and remind myself of what's good/right. When I started down that path, the deep-down unhappiness started to fade. I still don't always get it right, but I do try.

[Chocolate Lover]

Dec 14, 2015 14:16:01 GMT -5 @pinkcshmere said:

Dec 14, 2015 13:47:38 GMT -5 tloonya said:

Some people jut born happy/positive. Some aren't. Like me.
So if there is a born bitch out there who changed herself in Cinderella - share please.

I'm somewhere between being born a happy/positive person and being a born bitch. Then my life fell apart and I was truly unhappy for a long time. That's when I came to my conclusions about living a joyful life. I decided that if I wanted to try to be happy, I needed to try to fix the things I had control over. The things I had no control over or wasn't willing to fix (like my job that paid the bills but I hated), I had to work on changing my perspective about them.

So not a Cinderella story, but I did accept that even when I feel like my life is out of control, I'm in control of how I handle it and my attitude about it. I can choose to dwell in misery and focus on everything that's wrong or I can choose to fix what I can and remind myself of what's good/right. When I started down that path, the deep-down unhappiness started to fade. I still don't always get it right, but I do try.

Mom told me once I couldn't change how someone acted but I could change my reaction to them. Not let them get under my skin or whatever. I try to apply the theory when there's something going on I can't easily fix, deal with what I can as I can but not let it eat at me.

Kind of like redirecting a toddler's attention.

[TheOtherMe]

Dec 14, 2015 7:58:43 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

I wonder if I'll ever be able to go to St. Augustine again, even though I like it, because he liked it so much when I first took him. He's got a very funny picture of me eating a chocolate covered banana and you all KNOW how that looks!! I ate lunch with my girlfriends in the restaurant we had our dinner in after our ceremony. The girls ate outside for me so we didn't end up inside at our table. I know time will help heal it. I can listen to my EX's and my song now without turning to another station. 17 years later. But I want him back with me. I always teased him about me being an only child and not sharing growing up. It's not fair after all my years of unhappiness to get some joy and happiness and have it snatched away. Maybe I didn't deserve to be happy, it's the way it feels, but that doesn't mean I don't want to be.

You do deserve happiness.  You've just lost your true love.  I can not imagine how you feel right now.

[zibazinski]

Thank you.

[Robert not Bobby]

Mom told me once I couldn't change how someone acted but I could change my reaction to them. Not let them get under my skin or whatever. I try to apply the theory when there's something going on I can't easily fix, deal with what I can as I can but not let it eat at me.

Kind of like redirecting a toddler's attention.

Why do people take
this  so seriously. Your Mom is very wise.

[Plain Old Petunia]

Dec 11, 2015 13:56:27 GMT -5 Miss Tequila said:

Dec 11, 2015 13:33:44 GMT -5 beergut said:

 

She came to your place for 'dinner and a movie', and you actually gave her dinner and a movie? The problem here is you completely missing her cues. She came to your place hoping to have sex with you, and you didn't progress to the next step. That is why the fade started, you can  tell yourself it was business trips and both being busy, but in her mind, you rejected her that night and it was over right there. 

7 dates is a lot of dates with no Thai food!lol

But I agree...if I were into someone and he invited me over for dinner and a movie...I'm kind of thinking that's code...I wouldn't be happy to actually get dinner and a movie!lol

Lol.  Early in my and BF's relationship, he invited me over.   It was my first time at his house.  He showed me his TV and movie line-up.  He explained it all in great detail while I said "Hmm.  Oh.  I see."
When he finished explaining, he said "Would you like to watch a movie?"  I looked him in the eye and said "no" , in a tone suggesting I could not believe he would even ask such an absurd question.  We were in bed 5 seconds later.

Oh, memories.

[obelisk]

Dec 14, 2015 7:58:43 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

I wonder if I'll ever be able to go to St. Augustine again, even though I like it, because he liked it so much when I first took him. He's got a very funny picture of me eating a chocolate covered banana and you all KNOW how that looks!! I ate lunch with my girlfriends in the restaurant we had our dinner in after our ceremony. The girls ate outside for me so we didn't end up inside at our table. I know time will help heal it. I can listen to my EX's and my song now without turning to another station. 17 years later. But I want him back with me. I always teased him about me being an only child and not sharing growing up. It's not fair after all my years of unhappiness to get some joy and happiness and have it snatched away. Maybe I didn't deserve to be happy, it's the way it feels, but that doesn't mean I don't want to be.

Wow!  Slow steps in moving forward.  Please enjoy the holidays with the best memories moving forward.  By the way,  I can not imagine your pain.  Wishing the best for you.

[zibazinski]

Thank you. I'm okay then it hits. Crap. I'm so lonely and I miss him so much. 

[8 Bit WWBG]

...:::"...I guess it's a deal even with people in their 50's. At what point do people grow out of it? Or maybe I'm just boring and don't realize the fun to be had LoL!":::...

My guess is that people who have been in LTRs that went south, especially if they weren't getting what they wanted, clamor to either reclaim a time when they felt alive and fun, or go out and seek an abundance of what they were lacking.  You can bet your bottom dollar that if it happens to me, I'll be out there trying to make up for a lot of lost time.

And some people NEVER grow out of it.  I know a 70 year old man who called someone the morning after a hookup and put the woman on the phone to prove she spent the night.

[Plain Old Petunia]

Dec 11, 2015 16:33:35 GMT -5 movingforward said:

Dec 11, 2015 16:27:17 GMT -5 TheHaitian said:

Because it is true, I have witnessed it times and times again...

Girl have a guy that will walk to the end of the earth for her... Treat him like crap / friend zone him.

The dickwat that mistreat her, spend her money, bring on the drama... She is all over!

I only see that change when some women reach the mid 30's - 40's and have enough of being treated like crap then give the "nice guy" a shot.

I will give you that younger women may put up with a little more crap.  I know the man I was with in my early 20's was not anyone I would have given a second thought to once I hit 30.  Women tend to get more confident as they get older.  That being said, I never allowed anyone to treat me like crap no matter the age but when I was younger I did put up with a few things I probably wouldn't today.  I think it mainly just had to do with the fact I was in college and living a different type of life. 

ETA:  I am not sure what is says about me now that I am dating a man 14 yrs younger than me but I can say he is a nice guy!

Well, I know what I say.  You go, girl!   Good on you.   

[Plain Old Petunia]

Dec 12, 2015 5:35:53 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

Geez, no kidding. I have a new acquaintance who is a walking buddy. I made it very clear that I'm not even remotely looking for anything more than a friend but if he wanted to accompany me on my long daily walks, welcome. Now I'm a terrible person who "led him on." Newsflash, two walks do not constitute a relationship. Thank heavens this apartment is like a fortress. Can you imagine if my place was easily accessible? Sorry, I was being nice and was talking to the person at the desk about places to walk and he was there and wanted to go along. Didn't see the harm in it. He seemed nice and if you live here, you've been hugely vetted. We talked about all kinds of stuff. I'm not hugely into looks anymore having had bad experiences with men that were considered good looking so it's not that. It's just that I'm not ready and if I ever get ready, he's not someone I'd date. But I guess I should be grateful that he's a man. Nope, sorry.

He's an ass.  Don't give him another thought.  You just take good care of Zibazinski.

[Plain Old Petunia]

Dec 12, 2015 10:16:23 GMT -5 8 Bit WWBG said:

Based on the focus on Phoenix's mistake possibly being from the "dinner at my place" incident, I have a 2-part question (which has kind of been addressed, and I'd like to hear more opinions).  Phoenix (and a few other gals met guys who) thought that dinner and a movie was just that.  I feel like I've heard accounts of men who either made it or broke it when the girl came to his place.  So:

Part 1: If a guy invites you to his place so he can cook you dinner, do you suspect/expect he is trying to show you that his domestic skills game is strong, and that he is probably hoping it will lead to sex?

Part 2: If you accept the invitation, are you basically saying that you are open to the possibility of having sex with him that night?  I do NOT mean in the sense that accepting the date = contract for sex.  More just that accepting knowing his likely hopeful outcome means you yourself aren't opposed to the possibility, and if things go well, you'll go along with it?

I would not accept an invitation to a man's home if I were not interested in sex with him.   Not for dinner, not for a movie, not for anything.   

That is not to say I might not change my mind depending on how the evening goes.  But in general, if I am there, then I am interested.

[zibazinski]

Yup, if I ever start dating again, I'm not going anywhere that isn't public. 

[Plain Old Petunia]

Dec 14, 2015 7:58:43 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

I wonder if I'll ever be able to go to St. Augustine again, even though I like it, because he liked it so much when I first took him. He's got a very funny picture of me eating a chocolate covered banana and you all KNOW how that looks!! I ate lunch with my girlfriends in the restaurant we had our dinner in after our ceremony. The girls ate outside for me so we didn't end up inside at our table. I know time will help heal it. I can listen to my EX's and my song now without turning to another station. 17 years later. But I want him back with me. I always teased him about me being an only child and not sharing growing up. It's not fair after all my years of unhappiness to get some joy and happiness and have it snatched away. Maybe I didn't deserve to be happy, it's the way it feels, but that doesn't mean I don't want to be.

Of course you deserve to be happy.  You will be happy again.  It's just going to take some time.

[zibazinski]

[Plain Old Petunia]

Dec 18, 2015 17:53:40 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

{{{{hugs}}}}