Phoenix84
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Post by Phoenix84 on Dec 10, 2015 23:00:54 GMT -5
I recently broke up with someone I had been dating for a couple of months.
It started out ok, we were seeing each other about once a week. But after a while, she stopped responding to my texts, never wanted to meet up anymore, always said she was busy.
Eventually, she stopped responding to me for a week at a time. For a while I just assumed she was busy, and decided to give it time. But eventually I was forced to acknowledge she wasn't interested, so I had to break it off.
It just kind of pisses me off that she didn't have the guts to break it off if she wasn't interested, and instead gave me the runaround. I've noticed this before when dating some women, it's like they're afraid to be the adult and say they're not interested. I wish more women would "woman up" and break it off if that's what they want. I'm a big boy, I can handle it.
And contrary to popular belief, men aren't mind readers. If you don't respond to me, I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you're busy. If she gets annoyed by my trying to contact her, it's on her for not speaking up sooner.
I understand if you've gone on a date or two, you don't owe anyone an explanation for breaking it off. But if you go out on more than three dates, you at least owe the person a "goodbye" text or something.
Anyway, that's my rant. I'm not too broken up over the breakup itself. I thought I actually did a pretty good job planning and executing the dates. I think it's mostly on her.
I guess the moral I want people to take away is, if you aren't interested in the person you're seeing, just tell them. Don't act like you're busy when you're not and try to give them the runaround. It's frustrating for both of you.
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Knee Deep in Water Chloe
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Post by Knee Deep in Water Chloe on Dec 10, 2015 23:05:27 GMT -5
Phoenix!!! You are supposed to tell us when you're dating someone. This is not-negotiable. We want to know about the person you are dating. We are here to decide if she is right for you.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 10, 2015 23:22:20 GMT -5
There are no benefits of the doubt in dating, if a person is not responding and isn't making an effort to meet up you cut bait and recast in short order. If they are answering every couple of weeks they are just holding onto you for that occasional night each month when there is nothing else to do. Once I figured that out dating became so much easier and more enjoyable.
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souldoubt
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Post by souldoubt on Dec 10, 2015 23:32:12 GMT -5
What aj said. Before I met my fiance I hung out with a girl who definitely wasn't the one for me and we hung out maybe 2 times a week for a few months but neither of us would say we were dating. Everyone and every situation is different but any time I've clicked with someone and we started dating we got together a lot more than once a week. Maybe your schedules had something to do with it but it's really a moot point. Sorry to hear it.
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Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on Dec 11, 2015 0:09:36 GMT -5
It just kind of pisses me off that she didn't have the guts to break it off if she wasn't interested, and instead gave me the runaround. I've noticed this before when dating some women, it's like they're afraid to be the adult and say they're not interested. I wish more women would "woman up" and break it off if that's what they want. I'm a big boy, I can handle it.
This isn't a gender issue, Phoenix.....it's a person issue. Men are equally as guilty.
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Peace Of Mind
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[font color="#8f2520"]~ Drinks Well With Others ~[/font]
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Post by Peace Of Mind on Dec 11, 2015 1:15:30 GMT -5
It looks like she was able to decide that for herself.
Phoenix, you weren't given the run around. You were dumped unmercifully because you weren't getting the hint. Sorry she treated you that way. (((Hugs))) I'm starting to think your picker is broken so maybe Chloe is right and you should get our help the next time. And for our entertainment can you please video your dates (PG13 - of course) so we can tell you what's the scoop. You know we love telling people what to do here and criticizing is our specialty. We'll be kind to you but not to them. Unless it's you. Then put this on first: But don't try to nuke us with that gadget that connects to it. It won't work. It's there for us to zap you when you do something wrong on your dates.
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beergut
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Post by beergut on Dec 11, 2015 2:06:32 GMT -5
I recently broke up with someone I had been dating for a couple of months. It started out ok, we were seeing each other about once a week. But after a while, she stopped responding to my texts, never wanted to meet up anymore, always said she was busy.Eventually, she stopped responding to me for a week at a time. For a while I just assumed she was busy, and decided to give it time. But eventually I was forced to acknowledge she wasn't interested, so I had to break it off. Bro, she already broke up with you a long time ago. Everything after this is on you. When she stopped responding to your texts, didn't want to meet up anymore, that was your hint.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Dec 11, 2015 6:08:13 GMT -5
Yup, my DD is/was playing this game but finally cut this guy loose. But I was on her big time to do the right thing by him. He just didn't get "the hint." Don't contact her again in any way, please.
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Dec 11, 2015 7:36:52 GMT -5
What people SHOULD do and what they do do are often two different things. And, really if it isn't working out , it just isn't working out so the WHY of it doesn't matter. Someone is either feeling it or they are not. But yes, it is confusing because you don't know if someone is just busy or giving you the cold shoulder. It would be more humane and grown up to just say "this isn't work for me, see ya".
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Phoenix84
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Post by Phoenix84 on Dec 11, 2015 7:52:11 GMT -5
Phoenix!!! You are supposed to tell us when you're dating someone. This is not-negotiable. We want to know about the person you are dating. We are here to decide if she is right for you. Ha, well, I considered posting about it, but it didn't seem right because we hadn't had "the talk" yet, as in agreed we were a couple. I wanted to wait until I could post something like "phenoix has a girl friend" but alas, that hasn't happened.
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resolution
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Post by resolution on Dec 11, 2015 7:52:14 GMT -5
Sounds like she pulled the fade out, which is in very poor taste. I had a boyfriend break up with me that way after a few months of dating, and it really sucked. And when I called his house to try to find out what was happening, he had his parents answer and say he wasn't home, which was just the final way to not give me any closure.
I have also had the opposite where I specifically broke up with someone after just a few dates, and he refused to accept that we weren't going to be a couple, and spent the next six months harassing me from a bunch of different phone numbers. So while the fade out is pretty bad, its actually not the worst way for things to end.
Hope your next relationship goes better. It's unfortunate she was so immature, but it will be good practice for when you meet a more suitable partner.
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Phoenix84
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Post by Phoenix84 on Dec 11, 2015 7:53:44 GMT -5
It just kind of pisses me off that she didn't have the guts to break it off if she wasn't interested, and instead gave me the runaround. I've noticed this before when dating some women, it's like they're afraid to be the adult and say they're not interested. I wish more women would "woman up" and break it off if that's what they want. I'm a big boy, I can handle it.This isn't a gender issue, Phoenix.....it's a person issue. Men are equally as guilty. Yes, I am sure it goes the other way as well.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Dec 11, 2015 7:58:15 GMT -5
You'll find the "one" and soon. I'm sure of it.
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Phoenix84
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Post by Phoenix84 on Dec 11, 2015 8:02:24 GMT -5
There are no benefits of the doubt in dating, if a person is not responding and isn't making an effort to meet up you cut bait and recast in short order. If they are answering every couple of weeks they are just holding onto you for that occasional night each month when there is nothing else to do. Once I figured that out dating became so much easier and more enjoyable. In theory I agree. There's a book out there called "he's not that into you" it's written mostly for women, but I think the premise applies to men as well. The premise is basically that, if they're interested in you, and you click, they'll want to spend time with you. Maybe not manopilize it, but you shouldn't have to twist their arm to spend time together. And they'll show their interest. But, I stuck it out mostly because, what do I have to lose? It's not like I got other women waiting in the wings.
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Phoenix84
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Post by Phoenix84 on Dec 11, 2015 8:09:18 GMT -5
You'll find the "one" and soon. I'm sure of it. Well, I am getting more second dates over the past year or so. So it is a positive trend. And I do think I've gotten better at dates, being funny and charming.
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shopaholic814
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Post by shopaholic814 on Dec 11, 2015 8:12:08 GMT -5
I'm sorry to jump on, no one here knows me. But breaking up with TXT is piss poor taste to begin with, and she didn't even have the sense to do that. She sounds like someone not worth dating. I realize all of this in hind site, but take this as a learning experience to all of those still single. Don't do stupid crap like this, it's horribly rude & not who you want to portray yourself to be, at least I wouldn't want to be. If after the 2nd/3rd date you realize you aren't interested, break it off. Don't string them along for the free date. At least pay for yourself, have some class.
Phoenix84, Good Luck man. Don't let girls string you along b/c you are a nice guy. For some reason, girls now days like doucebags. I don't understand what they are thinking. It must be something about the extreme overconfidence they exude. I ended up with a nice guy. We met in 1995 & have been together ever since. In the end, some good guys get 'friend-zoned' and it gets tiring always ending up there. But don't give up, the right girl will find you.
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ArchietheDragon
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Post by ArchietheDragon on Dec 11, 2015 8:48:58 GMT -5
I understand if you've gone on a date or two, you don't owe anyone an explanation for breaking it off. But if you go out on more than three dates, you at least owe the person a "goodbye" text or something. that may be your criteria, but it was not hers. You don't get to dictate how others are going to behave or handle things, and you also don't get to dictate what is the "right" way to handle it. Good that you put yourself out there. But, you will need to try to work more within what other people are doing (such as picking up on her cues here that she wasn't interested) rather than think that they are doing it wrong if they don't handle things they way you would prefer. common courtesy is universal.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Dec 11, 2015 8:58:54 GMT -5
Well, having dated and married shits then finally realizing I deserved something better did wonders for having DH come into my life. I finally realized no one deserves a shit head for a husband or a boyfriend and vice versa. I'm totally into nice guys and those shit heads can just move along to the next dumbass who will tolerate them. Not this babe ever again. Phoenix, you need to feel you deserve a good woman and then it will happen. Stop being so grateful that someone went out with you. Look into social groups, like coed kickball. DS not only snagged a great job at COKE that way but met a lot of people that he still hangs with. Get out there and meet.
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MJ2.0
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Post by MJ2.0 on Dec 11, 2015 9:05:20 GMT -5
There are no benefits of the doubt in dating, if a person is not responding and isn't making an effort to meet up you cut bait and recast in short order. If they are answering every couple of weeks they are just holding onto you for that occasional night each month when there is nothing else to do. Once I figured that out dating became so much easier and more enjoyable. In theory I agree. There's a book out there called "he's not that into you" it's written mostly for women, but I think the premise applies to men as well. The premise is basically that, if they're interested in you, and you click, they'll want to spend time with you. Maybe not manopilize it, but you shouldn't have to twist their arm to spend time together. And they'll show their interest. But, I stuck it out mostly because, what do I have to lose? It's not like I got other women waiting in the wings.even if that's true, don't behave that way. Don't be cocky about it, but the person you're spending time with should feel lucky that they're in your company. If a guy calls me at 6pm for a 7pm date, I'm busy. Whether or not I'm actually busy is irrelevant. Plan to go out with me because I'm not someone you hang out with because you have nothing else going on. Value your time.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 11, 2015 9:23:00 GMT -5
There are no benefits of the doubt in dating, if a person is not responding and isn't making an effort to meet up you cut bait and recast in short order. If they are answering every couple of weeks they are just holding onto you for that occasional night each month when there is nothing else to do. Once I figured that out dating became so much easier and more enjoyable. In theory I agree. There's a book out there called "he's not that into you" it's written mostly for women, but I think the premise applies to men as well. The premise is basically that, if they're interested in you, and you click, they'll want to spend time with you. Maybe not manopilize it, but you shouldn't have to twist their arm to spend time together. And they'll show their interest. I got it from the Burger episode of Sex And The City, of course then he broke up with Carrie via post it so it could be worse : )
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ArchietheDragon
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Post by ArchietheDragon on Dec 11, 2015 9:39:21 GMT -5
common courtesy is universal. Are you asserting that she did not exhibit common courtesy? After how many dates is a "break up" conversation necessary? The fact that Phoenix thought he was breaking up with her after she refused dates for a month is really rather bizarre, and shows that he is not the best reader of social situations. Based on that, I wonder what her perspective on it this whole thing is. that is my assertion.
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justme
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Post by justme on Dec 11, 2015 9:55:31 GMT -5
How many times did you go out? And how much time passed between the first and last date? And how often did you talk to her not including the times you asked her on a date?
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Phoenix84
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Post by Phoenix84 on Dec 11, 2015 10:42:42 GMT -5
How many times did you go out? And how much time passed between the first and last date? And how often did you talk to her not including the times you asked her on a date? We went on our first date in late August., and about one a week thereafter. The first date we met a a local pub for dinner after work. The following two weeks we went to dinner near places where we walked and talked afterward. Then we went to lunch and a museum. Then she came over to my place for dinner and a movie. I cooked for her and cleaned my apartment so it was spotless. I think after that was when our contact started getting more intermittent. I forget the exact timing, but I had to go on work travel at some point during that time, and we didn't meet one week in September. I was pretty busy in October too, I went on a short vacation in mid October and was gone for two weeks of work travel the last week of October and the first week of November. She also went on a work trip about that time. Anyway, we met up before I went in travel, I had suggested an activity, but she just wanted dinner, so I agreed. That was the last time we met. While we were on travel, i textedher every few days, and she wouldn't respond. I knew she was on travel, so i assumed she was busy. But I almost wrote her off there, but a week later, she sent a short text. So I respond, wait another few days, nothing. I ask her out and she doesn't respond for a few more days, then tells me she can't because she has an interview she has to travel for. So I text back "I thought about it for a long time, and I don't think we're right for each other. You aren't interested in developing a relationship. I enjoyed meeting you and spending time with you, and wish you the best."
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Phoenix84
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Post by Phoenix84 on Dec 11, 2015 10:46:32 GMT -5
Oh, and we went to the botanical gardens at some point.
The total number of dates was 7 over a two month time frame.
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Post by mojothehelpermonkey on Dec 11, 2015 11:08:16 GMT -5
It sucks when someone pulls the fade on you. I hated those weeks when the contact would start to taper off, and you would be stuck wondering if they were still interested. In theory, it would be great if we could all just be upfront with someone as soon as we figure out we are not interested romantically. In reality, it takes time for both parties to figure out how interested they are. Also, from a women's perspective, sometimes it can be scary to directly tell a man you are not interested in him. I would mostly just get insulted ("you are not that pretty anyway", "good luck finding someone else", etc..). However, a lot of my friends have had men they have only been on a handful of dates with stalk them or get violent. I am not saying you would behave this way, but it can be really hard to tell after a couple of months how someone will react to you rejecting him.
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Post by mojothehelpermonkey on Dec 11, 2015 11:15:28 GMT -5
Also, a lot of women are conditioned to be nice, and telling someone you are not interested is not nice. From reading your update, it sounds like maybe she thought she was letting you down gently by gradually tapering off her contact. In reality, she was stringing you along. Good luck out there. Dating is tough for both genders.
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MJ2.0
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Post by MJ2.0 on Dec 11, 2015 11:45:43 GMT -5
Also, from a women's perspective, sometimes it can be scary to directly tell a man you are not interested in him. I would mostly just get insulted ("you are not that pretty anyway", "good luck finding someone else", etc..). However, a lot of my friends have had men they have only been on a handful of dates with stalk them or get violent. I am not saying you would behave this way, but it can be really hard to tell after a couple of months how someone will react to you rejecting him. so much this. I don't even respond to online suitors that I'm not interested in because then they rope you into a conversation about why you're not interested. And I had one guy seriously insult me. Silence serves lots of purposes.
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movingforward
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Post by movingforward on Dec 11, 2015 11:56:41 GMT -5
Interesting... my guess is there was something that happened that evening... or something didn't happen that she wanted to happen... There really is no way to tell and she possibly didn't want to broach the subject. I am NOT saying you did anything wrong but she may have, for one reason or another, decided the relationship wasn't right for her.
People in general (not just women) find it much easier to just brush someone off rather than actually tell a person their true feelings. It sucks but I have been there. Men are just as guilty as women of giving a person the "brush off."
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 11, 2015 12:09:58 GMT -5
that may be your criteria, but it was not hers. You don't get to dictate how others are going to behave or handle things, and you also don't get to dictate what is the "right" way to handle it. Good that you put yourself out there. But, you will need to try to work more within what other people are doing (such as picking up on her cues here that she wasn't interested) rather than think that they are doing it wrong if they don't handle things they way you would prefer. common courtesy is universal. Accepting that not being available without offering an alternative time is the universal signal for "I'm not interested" is common courtesy. I don't think it's "kind" to tell you directly you are being rejected. Letting it fade away let's everyone save face and say it just didn't work out. They dated, they were in no way a couple.
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techguy
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Post by techguy on Dec 11, 2015 12:13:40 GMT -5
Phoenix, did you sleep with this woman? If so, then yeah, she should have been more direct in "breaking up" with you. If not, then it's not really a big deal if she brushed you off.
On the bright side least you don't have to worry about buying her Xmas gifts or planning the holidays with her!
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