jambo101
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Post by jambo101 on Nov 12, 2015 4:08:18 GMT -5
What the thinking if two lower middle class long term (40yrs)happily married people come into a half million dollar inheritance and the one actually receiving the inheritance decides to put the money in the bank with the idea that this money will never be touched and will ultimately be left to the kids,the other partner has no say in the matter and thinks not spending some of the money is a colossal waste of life potential..
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Ombud
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Post by Ombud on Nov 12, 2015 6:27:39 GMT -5
Sounds like counseling is in order. FWIW I put mine aside in a separate brokerage account to pass to the kids too (their chances for a pension are nil)
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Nov 12, 2015 6:35:28 GMT -5
Obviously, I would hope that a married couple would make that decision together.
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jambo101
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Post by jambo101 on Nov 12, 2015 7:00:02 GMT -5
As this happened a few years ago i accept her decision as its her money, but with that kind of money why do we have to drive an 8 yr old beater, the kids have done nothing to earn such a future windfall, what about that country cottage we always talked and dreamed about or buying that Rv and touring North America in our retirement? Seems some what of a waste to have all that money just sitting in a bank doing nothing.
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skubikky
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Post by skubikky on Nov 12, 2015 7:21:47 GMT -5
I can see your point about doing things that you've talked about. Obviously it's more important to her to pass that money along to her children. It's not a matter of whether they deserve it but of the stewardship she feels she wants to exercise.
Did the inheritance come from her parents? Had she talked to them regarding how an inheritance would be passed on? Lots of emotion can be tied to money as we all know here.
Maybe, in a calm way, you can ask her about her feelings with regard to this money. She might have a lot to say?
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jambo101
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Post by jambo101 on Nov 12, 2015 7:36:37 GMT -5
Yes the inheritance came from her parents, we never had a conversation as to what was to be done with the money when it ultimately was passed on but we certainly talked about fulfilling dreams in life and as we couldnt really afford the dreams we talked about i assumed they would ultimately come about through either one of our inheritances.At this point talking to her about that money just starts an argument,shes made up her mind she aint gonna spend a dime of that money and i have no say in the issue. To my way of thinking what a waste of money.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Nov 12, 2015 7:40:01 GMT -5
As this happened a few years ago i accept her decision as its her money, but with that kind of money why do we have to drive an 8 yr old beater, the kids have done nothing to earn such a future windfall, what about that country cottage we always talked and dreamed about or buying that Rv and touring North America in our retirement? Seems some what of a waste to have all that money just sitting in a bank doing nothing. Why is an 8 year old car a beater? I'm currently driving an 8 yo car, and I don't take particularly good care of it. Plus, I have three kids that have puked, peed, and pooped in it. It's still not in such disrepair that it's a beater.. At least the type of beaters I grew up with, you know, the kind that had duct tape keeping the vinyl seats together and the radio no longer worked..and I was lower middle class growing up. Shoot, when I finally got my current 8 yo car when it was 4 years old, that was a treat! The rest of the cars I got were minimally 10 years old. Is the money literally in one savings account, in a bank. That could be bad news. Banks only insure up to 250K. So, minimally, the money should be in two banks. Can you compromise? How about educating yourselves about investments. Why not tell her to invest the money, but the have fun with the dividends that come into your bank account. You could easily have an extra 10K at least a year, if not more to do fun things with. No, it won't buy an RV outright, but you could do some nice travel with it. Another option might be to go see someone that specializes in estate planning. Perhaps that person may be able to suggest a better course of action. I'm also wondering if you both have different money philosophies...and that's playing into her stance as well. Perhaps she's using her kids as a scapegoat because that's an easier "excuse"
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yogiii
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Post by yogiii on Nov 12, 2015 7:41:01 GMT -5
Are you of the opinion your kid will not use the money wisely? Personally I'd be happy to have an inheritance for my kids.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Nov 12, 2015 7:43:01 GMT -5
Are you of the opinion your kid will not use the money wisely? Personally I'd be happy to have an inheritance for my kids. And, in our family, the inheritance is given while everyone is still alive. Because folks want to see others enjoy their gifts.
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lund
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Post by lund on Nov 12, 2015 7:45:47 GMT -5
The one inheriting has the right to decide, IMO. But the other one should have a right to an opinion.
Much is about what level of living they have, and what the money would be spent on. Having it wisely invested, letting it grow, and taking half of the part of the earnings that exceed the rate of inflation plus tax expenses, and use it for things like helping with (grand-)children's educations, a family vacation, paying off a home (in order for the other spouse to afford staying in it) or similar may be a very good idea.
Why I only say half is because the other half would cover for management costs and hopefully also let the money grow somewhat, which could be an insurance against the "real" inflation being higher than the "official" one. (Which sometimes happens, see healthcare and college costs.)
If the money earns 8%, inflation eats, say, 4%, and taxes eat, say, 2%, there is 2% left -half of which still is $5,000. That would be a nice family vacation or a nice contribution towards college.
My reasoning is that using up the money with life-style increases means that the money will come to an end, and the parents and their children will have gotten used to a lifestyle that is likely to be above their means. Using the money for children's or grand-children's educations may be a great help for them. Using the money for expenses that can be cut if the money earns nothing or shrinks also helps preserve the original amount.
If the couple live a very modest life-style, they may actually need the money.
Also, the money should be willed to the children if they are meant to have it, not to the other spouse.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Nov 12, 2015 8:01:44 GMT -5
I'm sorry you're hurt by this. Money does strange things to people. DH's passing and how he let things be handled legally has hurt me as well and caused me to question things about our entire relationship. I have chosen to focus on the times we had as opposed to the negative. It's not easy, believe me.
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billisonboard
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Post by billisonboard on Nov 12, 2015 8:08:56 GMT -5
Much smaller pile of money and brother not parents but my wife tells me through tears that if the money were gone, so would her brother be.
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teen persuasion
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Post by teen persuasion on Nov 12, 2015 8:22:08 GMT -5
If the couple has been married 40 years, the kids are not children they are adults, and the couple is approaching or in retirement. If the inheritor wants the kids to actually inherit from her, she needs to make sure it is legally set aside for them in such a way that future long term healthcare doesn't eat it up. I have no idea what that entails, but I doubt just putting it in the bank is enough.
I'd be talking with financial pros about my options, and how to get the outcome I want, maybe a trust for the kids, definitely do wills if you don't have them. I'd also want the money invested, not just sitting in a bank account losing ground to inflation. I agree with other posters that it may be possible to keep the inheritance intact for the kids while still making use of some of the growth yourselves.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 12, 2015 8:41:17 GMT -5
As this happened a few years ago i accept her decision as its her money, but with that kind of money why do we have to drive an 8 yr old beater, the kids have done nothing to earn such a future windfall, what about that country cottage we always talked and dreamed about or buying that Rv and touring North America in our retirement? Seems some what of a waste to have all that money just sitting in a bank doing nothing. What have you guys done to earn the windfall? Somebody died and left it to your wife. Unless you were full-time caretakers, there's usually not a lot of "earning" in an inheritance. I do agree that with 500K there's some room for compromise, but it's hard to say how unreasonable she's being without hearing her reasons for wanting to leave it to the kids.
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busymom
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Post by busymom on Nov 12, 2015 9:08:32 GMT -5
I know this sounds harsh, but it really is "her" money.
DH & I have a deal. If he inherits anything, it's his. It looks like I'll be getting something from Mom's estate, & we've agreed that it will be "mine". (I am planning to treat the family to a nice vacation, but plan to save/invest most of the rest of it.)
I suspect you & your wife have different attitudes about money. One of you might be a saver, & the other might be a spender. Just don't do what a relative of mine did. Her parents died when she was VERY young, & she blew through her entire inheritance in no time. Which means life returned to what it was before she had money to burn, with nothing in the bank for a cushion. Not good.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 12, 2015 9:31:43 GMT -5
I do agree that with 500K there's some room for compromise, but it's hard to say how unreasonable she's being without hearing her reasons for wanting to leave it to the kids. It would be interesting to hear her side. I agree that, in principle, it's hers and not yours. Still, if I inherited that level of money, DH and I would probably agree easily to spend part of it ($10-20K) on some dream trip and invest the rest. He's upstairs sleeping right now but I bet if I asked him he'd agree immediately! Maybe the two of you should get counseling. While it's "her" money, if she just stashes it away, clearly you're going to harbor some resentment (and I think this is natural) since you're not on board with it. That can't be good for the marriage.
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Tiny
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Post by Tiny on Nov 12, 2015 9:35:42 GMT -5
As this happened a few years ago i accept her decision as its her money, but with that kind of money why do we have to drive an 8 yr old beater, the kids have done nothing to earn such a future windfall, what about that country cottage we always talked and dreamed about or buying that Rv and touring North America in our retirement? Seems some what of a waste to have all that money just sitting in a bank doing nothing.I'm gonna assume you guys are in your 60's (married 40 years). I'm wondering if maybe your perspective of the money is that it's being wasted in the bank (I'm kinda hoping some of it is invested... and not just sitting in CDs or a bank account) but what about your wife's perspective? Maybe from her point of view it's her 'future security'. I'm gonna get morbid here - but women generally outlive men. You don't say how 'comfortable' your retirement is - ie how long your money will last. Maybe "saving for the kids" is a nicer euphemistic way to say she's 'saving it' so she won't have to eat cat food and live in a cardboard box (OR rely on your children) when you are dead and gone.
I'm assuming maybe you don't have life insurance policy for big bucks still in effect. I'm also assuming that maybe any pension plan you have ends with your death or that the benefits drop substantially. And that maybe your wife doesn't have a pension plan and that SS isn't all that much (based on your "low middle class" comment in the OP - of course "low middle class" could mean you guys were grossing more than 250K a year since it's a subjective kinda thing so you all might really have a comfy 30 - 40 year retirement even if you are 'poor' by your own standards<-- that's me being snarky about people's view of their own financial situation).
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Nov 12, 2015 10:32:16 GMT -5
I'm also wondering who has handled the finances in the marriage in general.
In my marriage, I bring home 75% of our income and handle all our finances. When I run things past DH, basically, he mumbles something or nods to pretend like he's paying attention, and that's the extent of his involvement. It's his choice. Can't make a grown man do anything he doesn't want to do.
DH is the only one of us that will get an inheritance. Frankly, if he decided, unilaterally, what was going to be done with the inheritance, I'd likely be upset. Because he doesn't get to purposefully exclude himself from finances for 30-40 years and then do whatever he wants with his inheritance without any input from me..And, I'm the one that plans things with his parents and for his parents. And, his mom definitely treats me the best out of all of us. It's actually a joke between DH and I.
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Artemis Windsong
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Post by Artemis Windsong on Nov 12, 2015 10:34:05 GMT -5
Where, oh where is the 10% interest? With that invested in a safe 10%er, the income would more than provide play money.
Invested wisely, that amount would provide a nice income flow.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 12, 2015 10:39:44 GMT -5
Also, what is your retirement picture looking like? Could it be she feels you might need this money later to live off of and is using the "saving it for the kids" as more of an excuse to keep you from blowing it all? Have you typically been a spender and she's now thinking "Finally, money he can't touch!"
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Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on Nov 12, 2015 10:51:28 GMT -5
Also, what is your retirement picture looking like? Could it be she feels you might need this money later to live off of and is using the "saving it for the kids" as more of an excuse to keep you from blowing it all? Have you typically been a spender and she's now thinking "Finally, money he can't touch!" Better yet, what is HER retirement picture looking like? If you've been the major earner and her accounts far lag your accounts, this can make things more on par. BTW....my car is 8 years old and I don't consider it a beater. The fact that you seem to think this makes me wonder if she didn't stash it away, that you would 'help' her blow through it and this is her way of protecting herself. It doesn't take too many new cars, RVs or lake cabins to be left with nothing, even with $500k.
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shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on Nov 12, 2015 11:19:03 GMT -5
If you go by the model years, my cars are 9 and 12 years old. Neither of them are beaters.
Here's a question, one that seems silly to ask, since the OP says he's been married for 40 years, but it seems reasonable, given the other comments - Are the kids your kids (bio or adopted), or are they your step-kids? Because the comments about them having done nothing to earn the inheritance (what have you and your wife done to "earn" someone leaving you $500k?), along with what seems some jealousy over not getting what you want, makes it seem like you don't have a high opinion of the "kids" or what they will do with the money, something that's more likely to come into play in step-parent/child relationships than others.
Here's the thing, it doesn't matter how long you've been married. Even in community property states, inheritances are separate. The money is hers. She can do what she wants with it. And as long as the two of you are not drowning in debt, unable to pay bills, keep the heat on, food on the table, etc, then you don't need it. You only want it.
And as others have said, there are emotional components to money. I cried the day I made the last payment on our Australian Shepherd's vet bill- his final vet bill, from the surgery that went septic and took his life. Because as much as it sucks to be paying a bill for a dog that died, that was still something of him. Once that final bill was paid, he was finally and truly gone. So, it could be that for your wife to spend that money, then her parents will truly be gone. And she can't bring herself to do that. So, it is being saved for "the kids", and won't be spent until after she's gone, too.
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973beachbum
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Post by 973beachbum on Nov 12, 2015 11:24:38 GMT -5
I agree with saving being a good thing although I don't know that it would only be for my adult children. My question is what is the money picture like right now?
Do you two have enough to do the things you need to live a normal life. I am not talking trips to Paris or new cars but more like pay the auto insurance bill every year without trouble, grocery shop without having to have a coupon for that box of cereal or you can't buy it. Fill your home heating oil tank without worry every winter? Pay your premiums and copays for your health insurance without having to think really hard if you can really afford to go the the Dr and fill the Rx after you paid the copay?
If you have actual money problems like I listed above I can well imagine the resentment that would build in me if I couldn't buy any groceries other than absolute essentials type of thing this week so we could pay the (fill in the blank heating oil, insurance premium ect) while my spouse had half a million sitting in the bank.
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on Nov 12, 2015 11:24:58 GMT -5
I think you're on to something, Shanendoah. There's some emotions tied up in that money.
The only people who don't touch inheritances are people who don't need it (sounds like this doesn't apply) or are scared of it.
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jambo101
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Post by jambo101 on Nov 12, 2015 11:29:47 GMT -5
If the couple has been married 40 years, the kids are not children they are adults, and the couple is approaching or in retirement. If the inheritor wants the kids to actually inherit from her, she needs to make sure it is legally set aside for them in such a way that future long term healthcare doesn't eat it up. I have no idea what that entails, but I doubt just putting it in the bank is enough. I'd be talking with financial pros about my options, and how to get the outcome I want, maybe a trust for the kids, definitely do wills if you don't have them. I'd also want the money invested, not just sitting in a bank account losing ground to inflation. I agree with other posters that it may be possible to keep the inheritance intact for the kids while still making use of some of the growth yourselves. To clarify/ I brought up this topic a few years ago on another forum and it turned into an interesting and lengthy discussion,thought i'd bring it up again. We are both in our mid 60s. Councilling is not necessay as we are both happy in our relationship and i realize the money is all hers,i just think after 40 years of marriage she could lighten up on the purse strings. I have an adequate pension and so will my wife if she can ever bring herself to actually retire. i take home $2500 a month she will get a similar pension, we are lifelong renters so no house involved. she has all the money invested with a financial planner,money made on investments is put back into her investment portfolio, Healthcare is not a problem as we live in Canada. The kids have both gone through University here in Montreal and we owe no money on that in fact we are totally debt free. While the car may not be an actual beater its an 08 with 220K kms and i think with that kind of money how about we lighten up and get a new car. Yes we have different views on finances,she is obsessed with financial security i on the otherhand am not into wasting money but am open to having a bit of fun with it, something the kids have assured me they will have fun with it.
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steph08
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Post by steph08 on Nov 12, 2015 11:45:54 GMT -5
Even with an inheritance, I can't fathom not taking my DH's opinion into account, and I'm the one that handles money matters and is the saver.
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Plain Old Petunia
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Post by Plain Old Petunia on Nov 12, 2015 11:54:59 GMT -5
Yes the inheritance came from her parents, we never had a conversation as to what was to be done with the money when it ultimately was passed on but we certainly talked about fulfilling dreams in life and as we couldnt really afford the dreams we talked about i assumed they would ultimately come about through either one of our inheritances.At this point talking to her about that money just starts an argument,shes made up her mind she aint gonna spend a dime of that money and i have no say in the issue. To my way of thinking what a waste of money. It's also unfair, since you are her life partner of 40something years. It's not uncommon for people to have conflicting feelings over inherited money. Some feel very guilty about having it in the first place. If you buy tangible assets with the money (such as a cottage), or invest it in stocks and bonds and use the income, you will still someday leave those things to your children. It isn't gone unless you spend it on intangibles. And really, to my way of thinking, spending on some wonderful family memories is very tangible. Such as taking the whole family on a cruise.
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Plain Old Petunia
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Post by Plain Old Petunia on Nov 12, 2015 12:02:25 GMT -5
I'm also wondering who has handled the finances in the marriage in general. In my marriage, I bring home 75% of our income and handle all our finances. When I run things past DH, basically, he mumbles something or nods to pretend like he's paying attention, and that's the extent of his involvement. It's his choice. Can't make a grown man do anything he doesn't want to do. DH is the only one of us that will get an inheritance. Frankly, if he decided, unilaterally, what was going to be done with the inheritance, I'd likely be upset. Because he doesn't get to purposefully exclude himself from finances for 30-40 years and then do whatever he wants with his inheritance without any input from me..And, I'm the one that plans things with his parents and for his parents. And, his mom definitely treats me the best out of all of us. It's actually a joke between DH and I. I was thinking along these lines too. Maybe in the past 40 years, he has shared every dime he has earned with his wife. But when his wife receives an inheritance, it is "hers". I would feel a bit resentful in that situation.
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phil5185
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Post by phil5185 on Nov 12, 2015 12:07:43 GMT -5
That caught my attention too. We're millionaires, our car is a 2006 (bought new in 2005), currently has 187,000 miles. How do you tear up an 8-yr-old car and make it a beater? How about normal maintenance, oil changes, washes, yada? Any modern car will provide about 200,000 miles of trouble-free driving - altho lots of folks trade at 5 years, the second owner is likely to keep it for at least 5 more years.
The phenomena that you're experiencing is common among lottery winners, the state lotteries have tracked and studied winners, on average they are broke in 7 years. A large part of the population is experienced only in managing a weekly income stream. So they are unable to perform the longterm planning needed to decide what to do with a large lump-sum. Buying toys, dreams, usually takes over - until the funds are dissipated.
If you are reasonably young, still working, you have a great opportunity to grow that $500k into a few million. Rule of 72, the generic stock market index doubles every 7 years, longterm average. So if you (or heirs) can wait 21 years, that is $4M.
Meanwhile, when you retire, buy a used, low mileage, motorhome for $15k or $20k (like the picture in post 17) and tour NA (especially the Yukon and Alaska) - you'll love it. And when you tire of it, sell the motorhome, recover most of your $15k or $20k, and move on to the next idea (how about a small plane & flying lessons?) If you choose, you can do these things, one at a time, w/o disturbing the $500k (much).
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moneymom
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Post by moneymom on Nov 12, 2015 13:22:20 GMT -5
I think it's unfair and you should have a say. A simple compromise would be to spend all the proceeds annually from the investment, and the original $500k can still go to the kids. However my bigger issue is that the kids are YOURS equally as hers. You should have a say in how much they receive, even if the money is from her.
Question though... seems like your income is high and expenses low. Do you guys already have enough of your own money to go do some of those things you dream of?
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