ArchietheDragon
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Post by ArchietheDragon on Nov 16, 2015 11:39:11 GMT -5
maybe. it is still just money. just like you have to manage every day of your life. Yes, it is a larger amount and it didn't come from working, but to me those two attributes don't warrant a change with how you deal with finances with your spouse. I am obviously contrary to what most people here think, though. Is your perspective the same as the parent leaving your child a legacy? If that child had nothing saved for security, not even owning a home, and preferred to keep the legacy money rather than spend it. I am not sure I understand the question.
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ArchietheDragon
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Post by ArchietheDragon on Nov 16, 2015 11:47:14 GMT -5
I am not sure I understand the question. You have been advocating the common potter, inheritance as not different from earned income etc. But it seemed to be from a spousal perspective. The scenario is you are leaving money to your child. Child has been married for a long time, is nearing retirement age, no savings, no home ownership, etc. Your child want to keep the money safe and secure, but the child's spouse wants to spend it on luxuries and extras. do you still see that money as not different from other monies? yes. I see it no differently than any other money.
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jambo101
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Post by jambo101 on Nov 16, 2015 11:47:21 GMT -5
Are we now characterizing spenders as bad spouses? I made sure to marry a saver, because I didn't want to deal with money issues in my marriage. But, I think there's quite a few people here who are married to spenders. I am. If the spouse cannot be trusted enough to even have a say in the family finances for fear that that spouse will bring some level of unacceptable hardship to the family, then that is a bad spouse. All that can be expected on a topic like this is peoples opinions/viewpoints on what they would do if they came into such an inheritance,trying to analyze some ones entire financial life down to the last detail is impossible as it leaves out too many variables.
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cael
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Post by cael on Nov 16, 2015 11:52:20 GMT -5
Years (hopefully) down the road I will be the spouse inheriting something... could be a quarter mil, could be half a mil, if my mom is spendy or the market tanks who knows, it could only be $100k.
My DH is kind of a spender, and I am generally not. I would not expect to not take DH's opinion into account when I get that money... depending on what his opinion is I may not agree with everything he says, but I have a feeling we'd be mostly on the same page. Pay off a house, save/invest the bulk of it, take a vacation or two. Clearly who knows what our circumstances will be at that point in our lives, but despite DH's spendy-ness he realizes the value of retirement saving/investing and does not want to live on cat food when he's old. I wouldn't completely ignore him, but I doubt I'd have to. If I came up with a plan for the money that he seriously opposed, I would probably re-work it with his input, as long as it was reasonable enough.
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milee
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Post by milee on Nov 16, 2015 12:00:26 GMT -5
I am. If the spouse cannot be trusted enough to even have a say in the family finances for fear that that spouse will bring some level of unacceptable hardship to the family, then that is a bad spouse. All that can be expected on a topic like this is peoples opinions/viewpoints on what they would do if they came into such an inheritance,trying to analyze some ones entire financial life down to the last detail is impossible as it leaves out too many variables. The answers you are getting indicate that for many people, the spending/saving tendencies of their spouse are part of their decision making process.
This is complicated. Decisions like this rarely happen in a vacuum. It's not as simple as yes/no, it's more of a maybe yes, based on factors x, y, z. And if the spouse is a spender/saver/sharer/squanderer definitely is one of the x, y or z for most people.
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milee
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Post by milee on Nov 16, 2015 12:16:11 GMT -5
If you'd asked me this question 30, 20 and 10 years ago, my answer might have been different. Given where I am in life and my marriage right now, if I inherited $500k, I'd put the money into a joint account to be shared with my husband.
And that's not because my husband and I are on the same page with financial decisions or even that I expect us to be married forever, but we've always been common potters and I would feel it was unfair for that to change at this point.
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Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on Nov 16, 2015 12:26:31 GMT -5
I am. If the spouse cannot be trusted enough to even have a say in the family finances for fear that that spouse will bring some level of unacceptable hardship to the family, then that is a bad spouse. All that can be expected on a topic like this is peoples opinions/viewpoints on what they would do if they came into such an inheritance,trying to analyze some ones entire financial life down to the last detail is impossible as it leaves out too many variables. But motivation has a HUGE part of this and if you don't understand this concept, then you will never understand why your wife is acting the way that she is. As easily as you write that you think that it's wrong that you have no impact on spending the inheritance (which is not quite correct because your impact may very well be the reason why she's put the money away from your hands), I can very easily put together a scenario of why she is this way. As I said, there are normally 2 sides of the story and we're only hearing one. Out of curiosity, have you ever asked your wife why?
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whoami
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Post by whoami on Nov 16, 2015 15:39:02 GMT -5
You have been advocating the common potter, inheritance as not different from earned income etc. But it seemed to be from a spousal perspective. The scenario is you are leaving money to your child. Child has been married for a long time, is nearing retirement age, no savings, no home ownership, etc. Your child want to keep the money safe and secure, but the child's spouse wants to spend it on luxuries and extras. do you still see that money as not different from other monies? yes. I see it no differently than any other money. I suspect, if your kid was married more than once, especially if there were no children born in a first marraige but some in a second, that you would not be particlarly happy if the ex spouse ran off with half an inheritance left by you for your child leaving future grandchildren without.
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ArchietheDragon
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Post by ArchietheDragon on Nov 16, 2015 15:42:35 GMT -5
yes. I see it no differently than any other money. I suspect, if your kid was married more than once, especially if there were no children born in a first marraige but some in a second, that you would not be particlarly happy if the ex spouse ran off with half an inheritance left by you for your child leaving future grandchildren without. Holy moly.... If my kid's ex spouse stole my kid's inheritance I would not be happy. Of course I would be dead. But I wouldn't be an angry dead man.
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Bonny
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Post by Bonny on Nov 16, 2015 17:50:20 GMT -5
My husband inherited a substantial amount of money. Much to my surprise he put everything into joint accounts and co-titled the real estate interests with me. We had been married about 15 years at that point.
I'm not sure that under the same circumstances that I would have done the same. But having split that inheritance did make me more willing to quit my good job and relocate out of state a year later. Things would have been a lot different had he not shared.
Fast forward six years later when my mother died. Since you all know her estate was negative by $400k you'll appreciate how funny it was when I told DH that I was willing to share my inheritance. But that's turned around and I now have about $300k of equity in that condo that DH hates. Ironically it's the only piece of real estate that is currently titled in our Living Trust.
It will be interesting to see if he shares his inheritance when MIL goes. I won't be surprised if he keeps some of it separate. But I won't be happy if I wind up doing most of the work to get her house ready to be sold and clearing out all of her stuff.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Nov 16, 2015 18:25:16 GMT -5
He may very well be. We don't know that. We also don't know that maybe his wife's parents had requests on what they'd like done with what they were leaving her and she is honoring their requests and doesn't want to tell her husband the real reason. I like both people my kids are dating. No way in hell am I leaving them a dime of my money. I'll leave it to my kids for their personal use while I'm alive and after I'm gone, to their kids if they have any, if not, it goes to charity.
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973beachbum
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Post by 973beachbum on Nov 17, 2015 7:18:48 GMT -5
This also comes into the age and health part of saving for later and enjoying your retirement. When both people are the same age and in good health it is easier to make these decisions without disagreeing. When one spouse is old enough to already be retired and in failing health there is no "later" to really save for anymore. They have the chance to do things like travel or take that active vacation now or probably not at all. In this case it sounds like the one spouse is younger and healthier. The older spouse doesn't have a many tomorrows left to do these things like they dreamed. No way would I be the person who prevented the love of my life from doing the things he dreamed about his whole life. The op made a point that this isn't his hill to die on he loves his wife more than his dreams. Well I guess I love my husband more than I do money.
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cronewitch
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Post by cronewitch on Nov 17, 2015 8:00:27 GMT -5
Because I just do. I would want an inheritance I left to go to benefit my children and grandchildren, so if I were to get one, I would protect it and not spend it frivolously. It represents all that is left after a lifetime of my parent working...to just go blow it on an RV and vacations seems wrong to me. Also, spouses come and go. My kids will always be my kids. My dad saved, sacrificed and did without over the course of 50 years in order to have that money to leave to us. I wasn't about to go out and spend it on some stupid shit that my dad denied for himself. It would be like spitting on his grave. I inherited from my parents first 13K in 1985 while they were alive and then 2 years ago about 170K. I tend to think that is their money and I am gifting to their grand and great grand children like they would if still alive. This year I gave 3 of them large cash gifts, mom would have approved. The grandson because his wife was disabled and waiting to get on SSDI, his sister 16K to help her get a condo for cash and the great grandson for college. I have spent about 44K so far on large cash gifts to reward the good things they are doing not to bail them out of poor planning or pay for vacations. Next year another few thousand for college then maybe a house down payment for the boy then I am done. My parents would be really happy to see this use of their money. When my brother and his daughter were buying vacation property mom said it was the first time she was sorry she wasn't rich, she didn't like seeing them borrow so getting the girl a paid off condo would please mom. I don't share money with anyone but did spend almost 30K on housewarming gifts for ISO. I may as well spend some money.
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Gardening Grandma
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Post by Gardening Grandma on Nov 17, 2015 9:03:30 GMT -5
I inherited from my parents first 13K in 1985 while they were alive and then 2 years ago about 170K. I tend to think that is their money and I am gifting to their grand and great grand children like they would if still alive. This year I gave 3 of them large cash gifts, mom would have approved. The grandson because his wife was disabled and waiting to get on SSDI, his sister 16K to help her get a condo for cash and the great grandson for college. I have spent about 44K so far on large cash gifts to reward the good things they are doing not to bail them out of poor planning or pay for vacations. Next year another few thousand for college then maybe a house down payment for the boy then I am done. My parents would be really happy to see this use of their money. When my brother and his daughter were buying vacation property mom said it was the first time she was sorry she wasn't rich, she didn't like seeing them borrow so getting the girl a paid off condo would please mom. I don't share money with anyone but did spend almost 30K on housewarming gifts for ISO. I may as well spend some money. Crone, I think that is a beautiful way to honor your parents' memories. My late MIL had dishes that she treasured. It fell to me to deal with them. I've taken care to send them to DH's cousins who will treasure them as much as she did. After DH placed his inheritance in both our names, the question I asked myself was "Would she approve of using the money this way?". I believe the answer is "yes". I would not feel right spending tnat money frivolously because his folks had worked hard and saved all their lives.
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Ombud
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Post by Ombud on Nov 17, 2015 11:53:20 GMT -5
The older spouse doesn't have a many tomorrows left to do these things like they dreamed. No way would I be the person who prevented the love of my life from doing the things he dreamed about his whole life. This is certainly a valid perspective. But at what cost? and - Is there no compromise? is renting a cabin on the lake for a month each summer not enough- does it have to purchased? And what if fulfilling all those dreams leaves the healthier spouse in poverty for 30 years on their own? What would prevent them from purchasing and making a profit? But I digress It really is about joint VS singular asset decisions
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Nov 17, 2015 12:24:26 GMT -5
So very true
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beergut
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Post by beergut on Nov 17, 2015 16:38:25 GMT -5
To address the OP, the idea of having dreams and goals is that you work and save towards them. Depending on someone else's generosity in inheritance is not a retirement plan, nor a way to accomplish your goals, be they individual or shared.
If one spouse or the other is given an inheritance, it is up to them what they decide to do with it. This is especially true in situations where one spouse may be a spendthrift, and is known to blow through unexpected windfalls, be they a bonus or inheritance.
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ArchietheDragon
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Post by ArchietheDragon on Nov 17, 2015 16:39:42 GMT -5
To address the OP, the idea of having dreams and goals is that you work and save towards them. Depending on someone else's generosity in inheritance is not a retirement plan, nor a way to accomplish your goals, be they individual or shared. If one spouse or the other is given an inheritance, it is up to them what they decide to do with it. This is especially true in situations where one spouse may be a spendthrift, and is known to blow through unexpected windfalls, be they a bonus or inheritance. I am 180 degrees opposite thinking from this post.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 17, 2015 16:46:54 GMT -5
Archie, by any chance is your wife expecting a big inheritance?
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ArchietheDragon
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Post by ArchietheDragon on Nov 17, 2015 16:48:06 GMT -5
Archie, by any chance is your wife expecting a big inheritance? : 0 No. but I am.
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whoami
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Post by whoami on Nov 17, 2015 18:30:17 GMT -5
I suspect, if your kid was married more than once, especially if there were no children born in a first marraige but some in a second, that you would not be particlarly happy if the ex spouse ran off with half an inheritance left by you for your child leaving future grandchildren without. Holy moly.... If my kid's ex spouse stole my kid's inheritance I would not be happy. Of course I would be dead. But I wouldn't be an angry dead man. You have a pretty flippant attitude towards protecting your family in general financially (you are the one without life insurance correct?) It's not surprising that you take this stance.
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milee
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Post by milee on Nov 17, 2015 18:57:25 GMT -5
Holy moly.... If my kid's ex spouse stole my kid's inheritance I would not be happy. Of course I would be dead. But I wouldn't be an angry dead man. You have a pretty flippant attitude towards protecting your family in general financially (you are the one without life insurance correct?) It's not surprising that you take this stance. Did you miss the post where he states that he's expecting a large inheritance? That attitude isn't uncommon in people who expect to inherit.
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973beachbum
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Post by 973beachbum on Nov 17, 2015 19:01:36 GMT -5
To address the OP, the idea of having dreams and goals is that you work and save towards them. Depending on someone else's generosity in inheritance is not a retirement plan, nor a way to accomplish your goals, be they individual or shared. If one spouse or the other is given an inheritance, it is up to them what they decide to do with it. This is especially true in situations where one spouse may be a spendthrift, and is known to blow through unexpected windfalls, be they a bonus or inheritance. What evidence do you have that the OP is any of that? According to the OP he has worked his whole life and has a pension plus SS that does provide for them in their retirement. Nothing has been said to indicate that he has ever blown through anything. This thread seems to be about polar opposites. To me there is a world of difference between if you spend a penny of this money it means your are blowing it on hookers and blow and disrepecting the dead and someone wanting to finally take that trip they had been talking about their whole life.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 17, 2015 19:17:35 GMT -5
I am curious as to what happens if the OP's wife dies first. Is she bypassing him to leave the money to the kids at that point?
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justme
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Post by justme on Nov 17, 2015 20:03:35 GMT -5
No ss, he's in Canada. Not sure if they have something like ss or not.
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Knee Deep in Water Chloe
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Post by Knee Deep in Water Chloe on Nov 17, 2015 21:50:33 GMT -5
1) I second whoisjohngalt in that threads rarely stay under the OP's initial intent.
2) I'm Team Archie on this one, but as I explained earlier: I'm only in the fully common potter house with my second husband. I would have kept the money separate from my first husband. However, that marriage was not sustainable, and that, to me, is a pretty high indicator as to why it wasn't sustainable. My husband's first wife inherited what he thinks is around $5K. They were still married at the time. He didn't even know about the inheritance. She spent over half of the money before she accidentally mentioned that she had it. To him, this was one of the "here's your sign"s that the marriage was past the suffering point.
3)Let me throw a plot twist at you: My grandfather died a millionaire in 1997 at age 84. My grandmother had no idea how much money they had. She was actually kind of annoyed with him because she felt they could ahve done a lot more fun stuff during their retirement. However, he was 12 years older than she, and he wanted to make sure she had enough money to live comfortable for at least 25 more years. She only lived another seven years. My mother and her two siblings each inherited probably $500K each. My parents were able to mostly deal with the money together. I separated from my first husband in 2006. My father died in 2012. My mother has consistently given money to my first husband--even after our divorce. Even now.
Do you think that's how she should be using that money? No, she doesn't work. Yes, she has SSDI and the investments from my father and her father.
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gacpa
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Post by gacpa on Nov 17, 2015 22:19:18 GMT -5
Underwater Chloe,
Wow! I am speechless.
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saveinla
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Post by saveinla on Nov 17, 2015 22:21:34 GMT -5
Underwater Chloe, Wow! I am speechless. Me too.
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taz157
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Post by taz157 on Nov 17, 2015 22:49:21 GMT -5
Underwater Chloe, Wow! I am speechless.
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beergut
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Post by beergut on Nov 18, 2015 2:47:53 GMT -5
To address the OP, the idea of having dreams and goals is that you work and save towards them. Depending on someone else's generosity in inheritance is not a retirement plan, nor a way to accomplish your goals, be they individual or shared. If one spouse or the other is given an inheritance, it is up to them what they decide to do with it. This is especially true in situations where one spouse may be a spendthrift, and is known to blow through unexpected windfalls, be they a bonus or inheritance. What evidence do you have that the OP is any of that? According to the OP he has worked his whole life and has a pension plus SS that does provide for them in their retirement. Nothing has been said to indicate that he has ever blown through anything. This thread seems to be about polar opposites. To me there is a world of difference between if you spend a penny of this money it means your are blowing it on hookers and blow and disrepecting the dead and someone wanting to finally take that trip they had been talking about their whole life. I wasn't referring to the OP in my spendthrift comment, more a general statement.
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