jambo101
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Post by jambo101 on Nov 16, 2015 3:27:01 GMT -5
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Zib/rukh If i gave you a play by play description into the minutia of my 68 years you would readily see why things are the way they are. But thats not the intended purpose of the topic which was merely to hear stories/views/opinions of people coming into large inheritances, i obviously made a mistake by giving personal info as an example of my particular circumstance which i thought a courtesy to those first few posters who asked, seems as a result this topic has turned into somewhat of an inquisition/interrogation of my life something i have no further interest or time responding to..
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Nov 16, 2015 5:53:18 GMT -5
You're 68 years old? I missed that. Anyway, try not to let this ruin or run your life. You, at least, still have a life and a wife. Not everyone is that lucky.
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ArchietheDragon
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Post by ArchietheDragon on Nov 16, 2015 7:06:20 GMT -5
To answer your other question, would I have done the same thing? I'm not sure. I'd probably keep it separate for my kids (from 1st marriage) to inherit - and take some nice trips. But I'd probablt keep it under my name separately. Idon't think he'd care; anymore than I did. That is interesting. He shared it with you but you wouldn't share it with him. Just like the op. Personally I would expect my wife to share any inheritance with me and I would be upset up about it if she didn't.
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midjd
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Post by midjd on Nov 16, 2015 7:36:58 GMT -5
I think it's a lot easier to want to share money when there's zero expectation on the other side.
Not an inheritance, and not nearly as large an amount, but I got a medical settlement a few months after DH and I got married (facts stemming from after we had moved in together but 2+ years before marriage). Since I was the one who had to physically go through everything to get that money, I was not inclined to go the lottery route and start buying things and giving it away. (This was when I came back to YM).
DH agreed and whenever I would ask his opinion on what to do, said "not my call, it's your money." So I funded his Roth for a few years (along with mine) and invested the rest in a joint account. I had no reservations about this and still don't.
If DH had started planning things to buy and trips to take, or opining on who "deserved" the money, it would still be in my name only.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 16, 2015 8:39:16 GMT -5
If I were to have received a large inheritance during my last marriage I would have absolutely kept it separate. I could have probably controlled too much crazy spending even if it was shared, but my bigger concern would have been if I died, then it would have all been gone...quickly...and never passed on to my kids at all.
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ArchietheDragon
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Post by ArchietheDragon on Nov 16, 2015 8:43:07 GMT -5
I think it's a lot easier to want to share money when there's zero expectation on the other side. I also think it is a lot easier to say there is no expectation to share, when you do expect to share.
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ArchietheDragon
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Post by ArchietheDragon on Nov 16, 2015 9:09:05 GMT -5
I also think it is a lot easier to say there is no expectation to share, when you do expect to share. I think that what mid was referring to was not the expectation that this would be comingled funds, but the expectation of spending it all within a year or two on luxuries. but isn't this the ongoing discussion that all couples have about all money. Maybe it is back to the common potters versuses separate potter discussion. I just cannot imagine a situation in which my wife got a large chunk of money and would not discuss with me what to do with it. or vice versa
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Post by Deleted on Nov 16, 2015 9:14:56 GMT -5
I think that what mid was referring to was not the expectation that this would be comingled funds, but the expectation of spending it all within a year or two on luxuries. but isn't this the ongoing discussion that all couples have about all money. Maybe it is back to the common potters versuses separate potter discussion. I just cannot imagine a situation in which my wife got a large chunk of money and would not discuss with me what to do with it. or vice versa I was a common potter in both my marriages. I still think an inheritance is a different animal.
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ArchietheDragon
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Post by ArchietheDragon on Nov 16, 2015 9:16:13 GMT -5
but isn't this the ongoing discussion that all couples have about all money. Maybe it is back to the common potters versuses separate potter discussion. I just cannot imagine a situation in which my wife got a large chunk of money and would not discuss with me what to do with it. or vice versa I was a common potter in both my marriages. I still think an inheritance is a different animal. why?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 16, 2015 9:27:06 GMT -5
I was a common potter in both my marriages. I still think an inheritance is a different animal. why? Because I just do. I would want an inheritance I left to go to benefit my children and grandchildren, so if I were to get one, I would protect it and not spend it frivolously. It represents all that is left after a lifetime of my parent working...to just go blow it on an RV and vacations seems wrong to me. Also, spouses come and go. My kids will always be my kids.
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ArchietheDragon
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Post by ArchietheDragon on Nov 16, 2015 9:34:22 GMT -5
Because I just do. I would want an inheritance I left to go to benefit my children and grandchildren, so if I were to get one, I would protect it and not spend it frivolously. It represents all that is left after a lifetime of my parent working...to just go blow it on an RV and vacations seems wrong to me. Also, spouses come and go. My kids will always be my kids. ins't that true about all the money in your life? You don't want it spent frivolously.
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Nov 16, 2015 9:37:19 GMT -5
So......I asked my husband last night what would he do? He said he'd keep it separately. Interestingly enough, he has less than zero chance of inheriting anything. But I started throwing some hypothetical situations at him and it turns out - he would give money to his parents first and then may be put it into joint acct. Yeah, I was not surprised. But that made me think this: unless partners are completely, 100%, without any caveats, on the same page when it comes to finances - I think the spouse who would get the $$$ would use it in the way that they would if they were single. In other words, it would be their "get out of jail" ticket without effecting/ruining household finances. jambo101 - side note to you - as you are new here - there is no way in hell!!!! that any topic you will ever post 1) will stay on the topic you intended and 2) won't get personal with many assumptions to follow. That's just not how this message board works
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Lizard Queen
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Post by Lizard Queen on Nov 16, 2015 9:38:10 GMT -5
Because I just do. I would want an inheritance I left to go to benefit my children and grandchildren, so if I were to get one, I would protect it and not spend it frivolously. It represents all that is left after a lifetime of my parent working...to just go blow it on an RV and vacations seems wrong to me. Also, spouses come and go. My kids will always be my kids. My dad saved, sacrificed and did without over the course of 50 years in order to have that money to leave to us. I wasn't about to go out and spend it on some stupid shit that my dad denied for himself. It would be like spitting on his grave.
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ArchietheDragon
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Post by ArchietheDragon on Nov 16, 2015 9:39:09 GMT -5
Because I just do. I would want an inheritance I left to go to benefit my children and grandchildren, so if I were to get one, I would protect it and not spend it frivolously. It represents all that is left after a lifetime of my parent working...to just go blow it on an RV and vacations seems wrong to me. Also, spouses come and go. My kids will always be my kids. My dad saved, sacrificed and did without over the course of 50 years in order to have that money to leave to us. I wasn't about to go out and spend it on some stupid shit that my dad denied for himself. It would be like spitting on his grave. But your husband would like to spit on his grave?
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Lizard Queen
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Post by Lizard Queen on Nov 16, 2015 9:49:51 GMT -5
My dad saved, sacrificed and did without over the course of 50 years in order to have that money to leave to us. I wasn't about to go out and spend it on some stupid shit that my dad denied for himself. It would be like spitting on his grave. But your husband would like to spit on his grave? My husband absolutely respects me having the money kept separate. He doesn't want to blow it on stupid shit either, so we keep the really old cars (1999 and 2004), even though I am open to using some of the money to replace at least one of them. My husband is awesome.
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ArchietheDragon
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Post by ArchietheDragon on Nov 16, 2015 9:53:31 GMT -5
But your husband would like to spit on his grave? My husband absolutely respects me having the money kept separate. He doesn't want to blow it on stupid shit either, so we keep the really old cars (1999 and 2004), even though I am open to using some of the money to replace at least one of them. My husband is awesome. So you are on the same page...
I guess I am missing something. seems like everyone is discussing it with their spouses and are the same page as their spouses, which to me is the way it should be. So how come the OP doesn't deserve the same? Are we to just assume he is a bad spouse?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 16, 2015 9:58:24 GMT -5
Because I just do. I would want an inheritance I left to go to benefit my children and grandchildren, so if I were to get one, I would protect it and not spend it frivolously. It represents all that is left after a lifetime of my parent working...to just go blow it on an RV and vacations seems wrong to me. Also, spouses come and go. My kids will always be my kids. ins't that true about all the money in your life? You don't want it spent frivolously. That's easy to do when you've worked hard for every dime. I've never had a windfall, but I can just imagine it's easier to spend a spouses inheritance than your own. There isn't the personal attachment to the money. After two divorces, commingling seems dangerous to me, even if it isn't spent frivolously. It's then community property and you risk losing half of what was meant to benefit you and your children/grandchildren.
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midjd
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Post by midjd on Nov 16, 2015 10:12:38 GMT -5
My husband absolutely respects me having the money kept separate. He doesn't want to blow it on stupid shit either, so we keep the really old cars (1999 and 2004), even though I am open to using some of the money to replace at least one of them. My husband is awesome. So you are on the same page...
I guess I am missing something. seems like everyone is discussing it with their spouses and are the same page as their spouses, which to me is the way it should be. So how come the OP doesn't deserve the same? Are we to just assume he is a bad spouse?
If both partners are on the same page about what to do with the money, that's great. If a couple isn't on the same page, especially after a long period of time, the person who received the inheritance has (or should have) ultimate decisionmaking and veto power. The other person can choose to live with the decision or decide these actions justify separation or divorce. (Or they can seek counseling, etc.) It sounds like the OP and his spouse have discussed it and still disagree after 10 years -- so while I don't think anyone is saying he doesn't deserve to be on the same page with his spouse, ultimately it's her inheritance and her decision.
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ArchietheDragon
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Post by ArchietheDragon on Nov 16, 2015 10:12:47 GMT -5
ins't that true about all the money in your life? You don't want it spent frivolously. That's easy to do when you've worked hard for every dime. I've never had a windfall, but I can just imagine it's easier to spend a spouses inheritance than your own. There isn't the personal attachment to the money. After two divorces, commingling seems dangerous to me, even if it isn't spent frivolously. It's then community property and you risk losing half of what was meant to benefit you and your children/grandchildren. maybe. it is still just money. just like you have to manage every day of your life. Yes, it is a larger amount and it didn't come from working, but to me those two attributes don't warrant a change with how you deal with finances with your spouse. I am obviously contrary to what most people here think, though.
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973beachbum
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Post by 973beachbum on Nov 16, 2015 10:26:24 GMT -5
No I am the same way Archie. DH and I can and do disagree about money all the time but no way would it be okay for either of us to unilaterally decide that the other has to suck it up and be okay with the other making decisions that effect both of us. I know this is YM but you guys really do have it coming and going on this. Everyone is calling a vacation the spendthrift blowing money yet I would bet serious money that most on this board go on at least one if not more vacations a year and I don't mean a weekend at the local beach area or a few days at a amusement park. And while everyone is saying buying a lake cottage is crazy spending they are also saying having no assets is the height of stupidity financially. Well where I live a house is an appreciating asset that can even be moved into if and when you want which would save money by not paying rent. And hey you can even will it to your kids when you die.
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973beachbum
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Post by 973beachbum on Nov 16, 2015 10:27:28 GMT -5
I will add that this is really theoretical for us. Although we are on the same page up until now when people die all we get are bills. I really wish I was kidding about that.
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Gardening Grandma
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Post by Gardening Grandma on Nov 16, 2015 10:36:52 GMT -5
I will add that this is really theoretical for us. Although we are on the same page up until now when people die all we get are bills. I really wish I was kidding about that. When my mother died, my sister and I split the cost of cremation & service. I expect nothing when my father dies. We've been estranged all my life.
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Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on Nov 16, 2015 10:41:25 GMT -5
My husband absolutely respects me having the money kept separate. He doesn't want to blow it on stupid shit either, so we keep the really old cars (1999 and 2004), even though I am open to using some of the money to replace at least one of them. My husband is awesome. So you are on the same page...
I guess I am missing something. seems like everyone is discussing it with their spouses and are the same page as their spouses, which to me is the way it should be. So how come the OP doesn't deserve the same? Are we to just assume he is a bad spouse?
If I had to hazard a guess, if his wife came in and posted, the story would be much different than the one he imparted. i suspect if the OP had access to the inheritance, it would have been gone in a year.
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ArchietheDragon
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Post by ArchietheDragon on Nov 16, 2015 10:43:32 GMT -5
So you are on the same page...
I guess I am missing something. seems like everyone is discussing it with their spouses and are the same page as their spouses, which to me is the way it should be. So how come the OP doesn't deserve the same? Are we to just assume he is a bad spouse?
If I had to hazard a guess, if his wife came in and posted, the story would be much different than the one he imparted. i suspect if the OP had access to the inheritance, it would have been gone in a year. Bad spouse.
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Lizard Queen
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Post by Lizard Queen on Nov 16, 2015 10:47:18 GMT -5
That's easy to do when you've worked hard for every dime. I've never had a windfall, but I can just imagine it's easier to spend a spouses inheritance than your own. There isn't the personal attachment to the money. After two divorces, commingling seems dangerous to me, even if it isn't spent frivolously. It's then community property and you risk losing half of what was meant to benefit you and your children/grandchildren. maybe. it is still just money. just like you have to manage every day of your life. Yes, it is a larger amount and it didn't come from working, but to me those two attributes don't warrant a change with how you deal with finances with your spouse. I am obviously contrary to what most people here think, though. Not just money--money in investments that would have to be sold. Kinda like the investments that you didn't want to sell in order to pay the bills so you borrowed from your daughter instead.
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Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on Nov 16, 2015 10:48:43 GMT -5
If I had to hazard a guess, if his wife came in and posted, the story would be much different than the one he imparted. i suspect if the OP had access to the inheritance, it would have been gone in a year. Bad spouse. Not bad.....but also that his wife has an emotional attachment to this money that the OP doesn't. Hell, my dad gave me $1000 last Christmas and that money is still sitting in my jewelry box. Granted, he died less than a year ago but there is no way I can touch that money now, and I have no idea if I ever will.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Nov 16, 2015 10:50:11 GMT -5
If I had to hazard a guess, if his wife came in and posted, the story would be much different than the one he imparted. i suspect if the OP had access to the inheritance, it would have been gone in a year. Bad spouse. Are we now characterizing spenders as bad spouses? I made sure to marry a saver, because I didn't want to deal with money issues in my marriage. But, I think there's quite a few people here who are married to spenders.
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ArchietheDragon
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Post by ArchietheDragon on Nov 16, 2015 10:50:57 GMT -5
maybe. it is still just money. just like you have to manage every day of your life. Yes, it is a larger amount and it didn't come from working, but to me those two attributes don't warrant a change with how you deal with finances with your spouse. I am obviously contrary to what most people here think, though. Not just money--money in investments that would have to be sold. Kinda like the investments that you didn't want to sell in order to pay the bills so you borrowed from your daughter instead. yes.
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ArchietheDragon
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Post by ArchietheDragon on Nov 16, 2015 10:53:09 GMT -5
Are we now characterizing spenders as bad spouses? I made sure to marry a saver, because I didn't want to deal with money issues in my marriage. But, I think there's quite a few people here who are married to spenders. I am. If the spouse cannot be trusted enough to even have a say in the family finances for fear that that spouse will bring some level of unacceptable hardship to the family, then that is a bad spouse.
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resolution
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Post by resolution on Nov 16, 2015 11:30:10 GMT -5
It could just be that the wife feels a need to control the finances. My husband is not a spender but I still have a death grip on paying the bills and managing our investments. He does have a say in it and he can take out and spend whatever money he wants, but I have some pathological need to actually pay the bills and move the money around between funds.
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