Lizard Queen
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Post by Lizard Queen on Nov 26, 2014 10:24:57 GMT -5
Think about how hard it is to find someone to marry. There are all sorts of factors that need to mesh. You're not marrying the kid, but you are bringing them in to be part of your family. It's a very intimate sort of relationship.
With younger children it's easier because their personalities and temperaments are still being formed, but as they get older, they're more enmeshed. As great as you may be as parents, and as great of a kid that the kid may be, some kids just won't mesh with some families. There's nothing wrong with that. It's just harder to find the right fit, is all.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Nov 26, 2014 10:49:59 GMT -5
Shanen - I think it would be very hard for a child to immediately be in the foster care system to be in a position where they are emotionally ready to be in a foster to adopt by someone else. I think that emotionally for him, that having a sort of transition home to have his world completely shaken up would be better.
I agree with this. It sounds like MW has had a tough time with his bio family. Obviously something bad happened for him to go from family to emergency placement in foster care for the first time. It makes a sad sense that he wouldn't be instantly ready for a new family (not that any child is). I think you guys were the best "transition" home he could have found. At the very least, you've given his SW some really good information on what he needs, what he responds to and what kind of family might be a better fit. I really hope the next placement could become permanent. And that if you guys decide to take on a third child, it works out better. I don't think anyone who doesn't foster can truly understand how emotionally grueling this must be for you, C and Pop Tart.
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shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on Nov 26, 2014 12:57:59 GMT -5
Okay, have about 10 minutes. Let's see if I can respond some more.
@debthaven2 - Honestly, pure relief, because it means he also recognizes that this is NOT working, and honestly, isn't that a skill we want all the kids in our lives to develop, an ability to recognize when a relationship (of any sort) just isn't working.
taz157 - It is difficult for him. One of the ways we are trying to work through this with him is to tell him that we are proud of him for coming to this decision. I explained that a lot of adults who are unhappy have a very hard time 1)admitting it 2)being brave enough to do something about it. He's scared now that he's made this decision, and we also talk about how that is okay and perfectly natural. The unknown is actually the biggest fear pretty much all people have.
Pretty much all kids that come into foster care have a transition home, or two. There's the original 72 hour emergency/initial placement, and then often there's a traditional foster home while the state does it's due diligence and figures out if there will be concurrent planning to the primary plan of reunification. A foster to adopt home, with an actual adoption plan, would usually be a 3rd placement for a child.
Sometimes stars align perfectly and the emergency placement home can become an adoptive home. That is not the case here. It's emotionally difficult to process, but it's also very logical and something C and I shouldn't beat ourselves up about.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Nov 27, 2014 5:12:45 GMT -5
The plus side is that he does recognize this. I always worry that these kids will put on a front so they can stay somewhere finally and not be shuttled around that they burst in some way. Problem is that with his issues, he's going to be hard to place. Of course once he's placed, he'll probably be shuttled back home again until he's temoved again. Like a boomerang. . That's why I would only GAL older kids. My heart couldn't handle the young ones. My hats off to you and those who can handle the young ones.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Nov 27, 2014 10:49:43 GMT -5
shanendoah, I wish your family especially a happy and peaceful Thanksgiving under the circumstances.
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shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on Dec 7, 2014 15:50:57 GMT -5
Sorry I haven't responded before this.
For the most part, Thanksgiving went well, but there was an incident that really ramped up the stress levels. For the most part, we ended up instituting a "no contact" rule between the kids. It sucked on some levels but also made our house actually much more livable for the last week.
On Friday, Mini Wheat went to go stay with another family officially for respite care, but knowing they were a possible long term placement. It went well enough that they called this morning, and instead of arranging for when he came back tonight, they arranged to come get all of his stuff.
I feel guilty for feeling so relieved, but I really am relieved. We are also very glad that he was able to go into another family that is a possible permanent placement, and not into a group home.
We have let them know we are still a resource and he is welcome to call or text us.
Deep breaths, get ourselves re-settled, and probably not seriously look for another placement until after the holidays.
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NancysSummerSip
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Post by NancysSummerSip on Dec 7, 2014 16:14:16 GMT -5
Shane, you are awesome. Awesome to take MW in, but even more so to realize that his home is really with another family. Just know that you are his family too. Part of his life and heart - and yours - will always be entwined.
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taz157
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Post by taz157 on Dec 7, 2014 17:08:52 GMT -5
Shane, you are awesome. Awesome to take MW in, but even more so to realize that his home is really with another family. Just know that you are his family too. Part of his life and heart - and yours - will always be entwined.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Dec 7, 2014 23:46:47 GMT -5
how is pop tart handling all this departure? I'm curious about this too. Also, what is "respite care"? Just what it sounds like, I'm guessing? I'm glad MW has found another placement so soon that could hopefully turn permanent. And that it was his choice so hopefully he feels some measure of control over the situation. Hugs for all of you.
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Opti
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Post by Opti on Dec 8, 2014 0:49:35 GMT -5
I'm glad things are working out for MW and apparently your family. I'm relieved on your behalf and I'm only reading about it.
I hope MW finds a home that works for him and hope Pop Tart will bounce back from this.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 8, 2014 9:35:20 GMT -5
Respite care is another home the kids can go to for the weekend, or longer if needed for something like a family emergency, to give the fosters a break. When I first heard of it I thought is was so mean for the kids to be kicked out for a couple of days. But the kids love it! It's comparable to kids going to the aunt and uncles in traditional families.
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gacpa
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Post by gacpa on Dec 8, 2014 10:04:36 GMT -5
I really admire you and laterbloomer for sharing your home with these kids who need you. You both are great human beings!
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Dec 8, 2014 10:21:31 GMT -5
I'm sure they've made sure that pop tart understands that she isn't going elsewhere.
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NastyWoman
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Post by NastyWoman on Dec 8, 2014 10:54:11 GMT -5
I really admire you and laterbloomer for sharing your home with these kids who need you. You both are great human beings! . It is another world I only knew about intellectually but not what it is really like, like when Shasta stops in and tells us about what it is like to be poor in a land of riches, or Les when she talks about her life with an autistic child and a husband with mental/ emotional issues. one of the reasons I am addicted to this board is that you can learn so much here.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 8, 2014 10:59:17 GMT -5
I really admire you and laterbloomer for sharing your home with these kids who need you. You both are great human beings! . It is another world, like when Shasta stops in and tells us about what it is like to be poor in a land of riches Thanks but I always find it funny to have people say they admire something I get so much enjoyment doing.
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shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on Dec 8, 2014 12:31:29 GMT -5
Thanks everyone.
Pop Tart is fine. She is also very aware that this decision was for the best. She does plan to talk to her therapist about it at their next session, but is otherwise handling everything quite well.
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NancysSummerSip
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Post by NancysSummerSip on Dec 8, 2014 13:03:57 GMT -5
Thank goodness she has a good therapist - and you two. Oh, and FWIW....I cannot walk down the cereal aisle of the store anymore without laughing and thinking of you guys. Pop Tart and Mini Wheat just crack me up. If you do take another placement, how about Frosted Flakes or All-Bran?
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shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on Dec 8, 2014 13:17:29 GMT -5
NancysSummerSip - the nicknames were meant as FB code to let our friends know we got a placement, since we can't actually talk about foster kids on FB. The clue is, they have to have a frosted (female) or non-frosted option. There also has to be flavor options to designate hair color. I have to think about what's going to be next.
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NancysSummerSip
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Post by NancysSummerSip on Dec 8, 2014 13:23:32 GMT -5
NancysSummerSip - the nicknames were meant as FB code to let our friends know we got a placement, since we can't actually talk about foster kids on FB. The clue is, they have to have a frosted (female) or non-frosted option. There also has to be flavor options to designate hair color. I have to think about what's going to be next. OK, I wondered if there was some kind of code or the names were just random. You may have expounded on that elsewhere, but I missed it. My bad. I do like the cereal names, though. I think it injects some humor into what can be a very tough situation. I guess if I had to give you and C nicknames, I'd call you MomRocks and PopRocks.
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shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on Feb 9, 2015 13:07:17 GMT -5
For those who may care but don't see some of the other boards, we have a new placement. I am writing about it over on Later's "As My Fostering World Turns" thread on Smart Spending.
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