Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Oct 15, 2014 11:38:40 GMT -5
Can you elaborate any on what the red flags are for the friend placement? Money? Housing issues? Substance issues? Already in the system issues? Parenting issues (I'm thinking of the thread swaset updated this morning) and, well, I'm nosy. Also wondering if it's something that would disqualify me, if God forbid we were ever in that situation.
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shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on Oct 15, 2014 11:51:28 GMT -5
Wisconsin Beth - I know the thing that prevented him from being able to go to his friend's house for the weekend was criminal history. Criminal history does NOT prevent someone from becoming a foster parent, but it is something that has to be investigated, to a quickie provisional license can't be granted when it pops up. (And I don't even know if license is the right term. Social workers try to find family or friends, even if they aren't licensed foster parents, to take kids. They are often asked to follow up with getting a license. BUT, they do have to pass a background check first, and this background check had red flags.) Beyond that, the only other thing I know is that the school counselor told the social worker that she doesn't think it would be a good situation.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Oct 15, 2014 11:53:23 GMT -5
Ok thanks!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 15, 2014 12:00:10 GMT -5
He does not have any siblings. Mom died when he was 2, Dad when he was 5. He's 11 now and been living with different grandparents over the last 6 years.
Poor kid, but it gives you a good chance that he won't have abuse issues etc. And probably will make him more open to bonding with you guys. After he deals with the idea that you might die on him.
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Oct 15, 2014 21:15:04 GMT -5
Thanks to you and C for taking this child in, even if temporarily. He needs to feel love and you will give it to him.
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cronewitch
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Post by cronewitch on Oct 15, 2014 21:27:57 GMT -5
The tribe might not allow an outside adoption, they like to keep the children in the tribe. My niece got a native foster baby and his brother was in another foster placement, mother in prison. The mother lost her parental rights but liked the foster families and wanted them to adopt. The other boy wasn't allowed but my niece got permission to adopt hers, don't know why the tribe allowed it but they had him about 4 years when his mom lost her rights so he wouldn't have wanted to somewhere else.
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shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on Oct 15, 2014 23:48:25 GMT -5
cronewitch - it is possible that the tribe will want to be involved. However, by my count, he should be 1/64th Native. And the tribe he is a member of is not one of the more obscure ones, nor is it one that is traditionally from the PNW. So my guess is at most they will want token approval rights, but won't be super likely to interfere. Still, it is always possible that they will. Right now, I'm more worried about getting him through the disappointment when he learns he won't be going to his friend's house. (Because the way he talks, he still thinks it's going to happen, whereas any time it is mentioned to us, the likelihood has gone down.) I want to get through the house guest phase and get to the kid inside, the one who needs help, so that we can actually help him.
Even if we're not his "forever" home, I'd like him to leave here feeling more valuable as a person, someone who is wanted and deserving of love, and someone who is capable of reaching out for and asking for that love.
It's a tall order, and I have no idea if we'll get there, but that's my goal.
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cronewitch
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Post by cronewitch on Oct 15, 2014 23:58:45 GMT -5
cronewitch - it is possible that the tribe will want to be involved. However, by my count, he should be 1/64th Native. And the tribe he is a member of is not one of the more obscure ones, nor is it one that is traditionally from the PNW. So my guess is at most they will want token approval rights, but won't be super likely to interfere. Still, it is always possible that they will. Right now, I'm more worried about getting him through the disappointment when he learns he won't be going to his friend's house. (Because the way he talks, he still thinks it's going to happen, whereas any time it is mentioned to us, the likelihood has gone down.) I want to get through the house guest phase and get to the kid inside, the one who needs help, so that we can actually help him.
Even if we're not his "forever" home, I'd like him to leave here feeling more valuable as a person, someone who is wanted and deserving of love, and someone who is capable of reaching out for and asking for that love.
It's a tall order, and I have no idea if we'll get there, but that's my goal. It might help that he is older so if he fosters for a couple of years childhood is nearly over. He will be old enough to speak for himself too so might get some say in it. When our family gets older kids they go to court and have adoption parties I am pretty sure I judge wouldn't approve it if the child was unwilling. The oldest is a girl who just told her mom she remembers her adoption and loves her. Right after her and her brother were adopted a kid ask who she was and another kid said she was the kid adopted at Hannah's house and she told him she was not, she was adopted at the court house. The last little native boy was very excited to be adopted he told people he was going to be a real boy.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Oct 16, 2014 7:27:47 GMT -5
Right now, I'm more worried about getting him through the disappointment when he learns he won't be going to his friend's house. (Because the way he talks, he still thinks it's going to happen, whereas any time it is mentioned to us, the likelihood has gone down.) I want to get through the house guest phase and get to the kid inside, the one who needs help, so that we can actually help him.
Even if we're not his "forever" home, I'd like him to leave here feeling more valuable as a person, someone who is wanted and deserving of love, and someone who is capable of reaching out for and asking for that love.
It's a tall order, and I have no idea if we'll get there, but that's my goal.Hmmm, can you start dropping clues/hints that there might be a problem? I'd hate to see him blindsided by bad news.
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CarolinaKat
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Post by CarolinaKat on Oct 16, 2014 7:49:12 GMT -5
Can you elaborate any on what the red flags are for the friend placement? Money? Housing issues? Substance issues? Already in the system issues? Parenting issues (I'm thinking of the thread swaset updated this morning) and, well, I'm nosy. Also wondering if it's something that would disqualify me, if God forbid we were ever in that situation. You are saying what I am thinking
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CarolinaKat
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Post by CarolinaKat on Oct 16, 2014 7:51:48 GMT -5
Right now, I'm more worried about getting him through the disappointment when he learns he won't be going to his friend's house. (Because the way he talks, he still thinks it's going to happen, whereas any time it is mentioned to us, the likelihood has gone down.) I want to get through the house guest phase and get to the kid inside, the one who needs help, so that we can actually help him.
Even if we're not his "forever" home, I'd like him to leave here feeling more valuable as a person, someone who is wanted and deserving of love, and someone who is capable of reaching out for and asking for that love.
It's a tall order, and I have no idea if we'll get there, but that's my goal.Hmmm, can you start dropping clues/hints that there might be a problem? I'd hate to see him blindsided by bad news.
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shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on Oct 16, 2014 18:31:02 GMT -5
Our goal right now is to keep him focused on what is, not what might be.
Please understand this is tricky because you want messaging between foster parents and social workers to the kids to be consistent. And the truth is, I think the social worker is trying to drop gentle hints that this isn't going to happen. But he's an 11 y/o boy who wants one particular thing, so he doesn't hear what she's saying, he hears what he wants to hear. But me trying to tell him something that he thinks contradicts what the SW is telling him isn't productive for anyone.
Examples from last night:
Quote from Mini-Wheat "SW told me it would be next week that I would move in with my friend" (okay, not exact quote, but the gist of what he said) What I think the SW actually said: "If this happens, it won't happen before next week" (to prepare him for spending another weekend with us)
Quote from Mini-Wheat "SW just has to convince her boss and the big boss, and then I'll get to go live with my friend" What I think the SW actually said: "This isn't just my decision. My boss and head of DSHS for the county have to be willing to sign off on it, too."
Maybe I'm wrong, but we've received no communication from the SW saying that a move is likely, so we're still operating on the assumption that it won't be approved.
We work in little chunks. Let's get through the weekend type chunks. Thanks to friends, I have the ability to take him to an NFL game in a couple weekends. We haven't mentioned that to him at all. It will only get brought up when we get closer to that weekend, or perhaps when we need to help him feel a little excited about staying with us.
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Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on Oct 16, 2014 18:51:41 GMT -5
Will the social worker keep you appraised of the process and let you know definitively as to whether or not the friend is a viable option or do you find out when he finds out?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 16, 2014 18:58:32 GMT -5
I can see why the SW is doing what she is doing, but frankly, it's not doing you any favors. You know that if / when MW finds out it's not going to happen, YOU are going to be dealing with the fallout, not the SW.
IMO 11 is old enough to be told the truth (from the SW): we know you want to be with your friend, we're working on it, but you need to know, we're not sure it's going to happen. Even STATING that POSSIBILITY (rather than dropping "hints" that the child obviously isn't getting) will help move things along. IMO the kid deserves a reason why, even if it's vague. We don't think it would be a good place for you, we don't think you would be safe there, we don't think you'll reach your potential there, we think you'd be happier here, whatever. But he needs you (global you) to address these issues directly.
I freely admit you have MUCH more experience dealing with foster kids than I do, but to me, what the SW is saying sounds like a cop-out, and stalling tactics.
I am a very anxious person and I can deal with reality much better than I can deal with incertitude, even when it's bad news.
Again, I don't know this child, or the foster system. But I can't help but wonder whether that fine line between "helping him get adjusted to his new foster home" and "lying about the future" is being crossed. If this is this child's dream, it's going to be his dream now and for the foreseeable future, UNLESS AND UNTIL HE IS PROVIDED WITH OTHER, CONVINCING INFORMATION. His dream isn't going to just go away just because the SW is stalling, or even because you guys are awesome. He has a goal. And to him, at this point, you're all impeding it.
He needs help in readjusting to the reality of his situation, ie, that maybe he won't be able to be w his friend. He needs to get this information gently, VERY gently. But I don't see the point in stalling / lying to him about the reality of his dream coming true.
But again, I have ZERO experience w this, it's just my gut reaction.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Oct 16, 2014 20:16:50 GMT -5
MW = Mini Wheat SW = Shredded Wheat At least that's how I'm reading it. Just trying to interject some levity
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 16, 2014 20:38:48 GMT -5
@debthaven2 MW needs time to adjust to each new thing that is happening. This is giving him time to get to know the family. Shocking his system and saying you are now going to stay with these strangers forever is not being kind to him. There is no way this will be easy for him. Hopefully this will give him some time to wrap his head around things a little bit.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 17, 2014 2:46:12 GMT -5
I agree Later, and I'm not suggesting that either, obviously. Just being slightly clearer on the "hints" about his friend, I guess.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Oct 17, 2014 7:11:37 GMT -5
This is why I did older kids who have already been removed permanently from their "parents." I get a one mess up time deal, not cool, but I get it. Frankly, you have to do some pretty awful shit to lose your kid or kids to begin with. But one screw up, after that, you screw up again, and the kid is removed forever. Making boomerangs out of children is just wrong. Thank you to the foster parents out there who do the right thing for those who don't.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Oct 17, 2014 9:48:04 GMT -5
This is why I did older kids who have already been removed permanently from their "parents." I get a one mess up time deal, not cool, but I get it. Frankly, you have to do some pretty awful shit to lose your kid or kids to begin with. But one screw up, after that, you screw up again, and the kid is removed forever. Making boomerangs out of children is just wrong. Thank you to the foster parents out there who do the right thing for those who don't. The kids parents died, and I can think of a dozen reasons beyond neglect/abuse that the grandparents are no longer able to care for him.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Oct 17, 2014 9:56:33 GMT -5
The kids parents died, and I can think of a dozen reasons beyond neglect/abuse that the grandparents are no longer able to care for him. I feel horrible that this boy lost his parents and is now being put into the foster care system because his family can no longer care for him, but it definitely doesn't mean there was any abuse or neglect. I would expect him to have pretty significant abandonment issues, though.
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CarolinaKat
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Post by CarolinaKat on Oct 17, 2014 9:58:14 GMT -5
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Oct 17, 2014 10:13:23 GMT -5
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Oct 17, 2014 10:15:14 GMT -5
*Beth bows her head and says a quick prayer for Raeoflyte*
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Chocolate Lover
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Post by Chocolate Lover on Oct 17, 2014 10:15:19 GMT -5
I won't care if you kill me, I want to see if the regeneration thing works. ETA: Wow, that was fast, I'm dead!
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Oct 17, 2014 10:16:28 GMT -5
It does. I had a button labeled "respawn" this morning. I clicked it and here I am.
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Chocolate Lover
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Post by Chocolate Lover on Oct 17, 2014 10:17:21 GMT -5
I have nothing so far....
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Oct 17, 2014 10:19:16 GMT -5
I didn't even know I was dead. I was infected yesterday afternoon. I don't remember dying after trying to bite an immune person.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Oct 17, 2014 10:53:29 GMT -5
And now I'm immune. Still want to be a soldier though.
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Chocolate Lover
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Post by Chocolate Lover on Oct 17, 2014 10:59:05 GMT -5
Well, I'm nothing again, I regenerated
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shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on Oct 17, 2014 11:21:53 GMT -5
@debthaven2 - But what do you tell him that an 11 y/o is going to listen to? You can't tell him one of his friend's parents has a criminal history- that's breaking confidentiality. You can't tell him he wouldn't be safe there, because if he wouldn't be safe, how is his friend safe? And he certainly knows with all of his heart that he would be happier living with people he knows, staying in his same school with all of his friends. Trust me, I truly understand what you are saying. I do. But this is one of those "theory meets reality" situations. I'd love it if the SW would just say- you're not going there, deal with it. But that's not necessarily the best way to deal with this situation. At that point, what prevents Mini Wheat from becoming a flight risk? Up until last Friday, he had never met us. Never heard our names. We were non-existent to him until he was put in our home. That's a scary ass situation. Letting him hold out hope that it was only for the weekend, only for a few more days, etc, is what was needed to get him be kind sorta but not really okay with staying with us.
I can't go into details. But yes, parents are dead. And grandma, who he had been living with, had a stroke about a year ago, and isn't exactly fully recovered. So yes,the specific event that caused him to be taken in by CPS has nothing to do with neglect/abuse, but the whole story is incredibly complicated.
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