shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on Oct 24, 2014 16:58:43 GMT -5
If anyone in our family gets a medal, it's C. He would have been fine with "traditional" methods of having kids. He would have been fine with not having kids. But I wanted this, so he agreed AND he's now the primary parent and dealing with a lot more of the logistics than I am.
And while I very much appreciate all the support, I again mention I am not the only one on this board who is a foster parent or an adoptive parent, and there are tons more out there in your real life.
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CarolinaKat
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Post by CarolinaKat on Oct 27, 2014 7:54:28 GMT -5
If anyone in our family gets a medal, it's C. He would have been fine with "traditional" methods of having kids. He would have been fine with not having kids. But I wanted this, so he agreed AND he's now the primary parent and dealing with a lot more of the logistics than I am.
And while I very much appreciate all the support, I again mention I am not the only one on this board who is a foster parent or an adoptive parent, and there are tons more out there in your real life. You both are awesome! As a side note: your avatar pic scared the bejeezus out of me when I was a kid!
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Oct 27, 2014 8:05:34 GMT -5
As a side note: your avatar pic scared the bejeezus out of me when I was a kid!
FTFY I know, I know, Halloween is SUPPOSED to be scary...
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shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on Nov 3, 2014 16:37:27 GMT -5
An update for those who are interested.
Mini Wheat is still with us. Neither the school counselor nor his individual counselor think him living with his friend would be a good fit, more specifically, they think it would be an "unsafe environment" for him. While the social workers can't say anything until after a homestudy is completed and an outcome officially determined, C & I are operating on the assumption that the other family will not be approved.
Mini Wheat is getting to the point where he is testing us. Which is good- he's starting to see our house as something more than temporary. Of course, it's still a frustrating point for us.
He has been assigned a new social worker, who we have yet to meet, or even have plans to meet (though we have exchanged email). He has also been assigned a CASA/GAL, who it looks like will combine her first visit with us with our agency social worker's visit next Tuesday. (Yes, Veterans' day.)
Biggest challenges at the moment stem from only child issues. Pop Tart has been our only child for the last 18 months and now suddenly has to share our attention with someone else. She is choosing to regress into some old behaviors, and then refusing to use her coping mechanisms. She and I had a long talk about that last night. (Her situation is complicated by the fact that in the placement directly previous to ours, which was supposed to have been an adoptive placement, their bio child, a same age boy, and she never bonded, and that bio-child created a situation that caused Pop Tart and mom to not bond. So basically, after 9 months with a family who had told her it was going to be forever, who had her call them mom and dad, they kicked her out for not getting along with their son. And now there's a same age boy in her house who is demanding a good portion of our attention.)
Mini Wheat has been an only child for 11+ years. His issues are mostly manifesting through believing that (and being upset that) Pop Tart is "copying" him, and therefore, he isn't getting credit/noticed/attention for what he is doing. I explained this weekend that I don't make beds, don't care if beds are made, so if he makes his bed, and then Pop Tart makes her bed, I don't notice that either of them did it. No one gets attention for that. Issue mostly started on Saturday night as we were waiting for a table at a restaurant. Mini Wheat picked up a menu to look through it, and Pop Tart then picked up a menu, too. He was made because she was only copying him, there was no way she was actually looking for something she might like for dinner, etc, and he was just going to choose not to eat dinner because of it. (Sadly, this is not a choice I can let a foster kid make.) So he and I had to have a talk about that. Next morning, we were at the dog park. It was a big park. C was on one side, dealing with Larry dog who'd gone over the fence. I called both kids away from the fence because they weren't helping (and were likely hindering). Mini Wheat moved faster and got over next to me to ask me a question (about the 20th time he'd asked C or I when we were leaving). Pop Tart slowly made her way over to where we were, and then he was upset that she was copying him again. The dog park was huge and there was absolutely no reason that she should be anywhere near me (even though I had called her away from C and Larry, I had Junebug on a leash, and I was standing near the small dog area where another friend of ours, and their dog, who Pop Tart knows and likes, were). I pretty much went through the list of reasons why Pop Tart should be where she was and told him to get over it.
Sunday afternoon went really well- I took Mini Wheat to a football game. Pop Tart had a friend come over for a play date. But it went downhill after Mini Wheat and I got home. At dinner I had to tell them they were not allowed to talk to each other, and that included making gestures/eye rolls, etc about what the other said.
This morning apparently wasn't great either (according to C), though part of that is the cab service that is supposed to take Mini Wheat to school hadn't shown up over an hour after they were supposed to be there (meaning Mini Wheat was already late, but C can't leave to take him to school sooner than that, because he has to get Pop Tart out the door), and Mini Wheat was "twitchy". And sadly, this is becoming almost the norm. C's at the point where he's like- if the school and social workers yelling at the cab company to get their act together isn't working, than either social workers need to start giving Mini Wheat rides to school in the morning again, or they need to let us move him to the school in our district (which I think would be a bad plan; I think it's very good that he and Pop Tart are at different schools right now and each have their own domain).
So, that's my rambling update. We'll either get through this or decide that we're not the right family for Mini Wheat. Right now, those are about even odds.
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GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl
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Post by GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl on Nov 3, 2014 16:54:49 GMT -5
At the risk of dismissing or minimizing the very real challenges of adding foster and adoptive children to a family (which I am genuinely NOT trying to do), can I just say that the copying thing and the "sibling" issues happen nearly every day in any family with more than one child. Welcome to "divide and conquer" or "man on man" defense. And be forewarned, if you add a third, you will need to move on to a zone defense.
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shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on Nov 3, 2014 17:01:58 GMT -5
As a younger sibling, I am totally aware of the "copying" issue. In conversation with Mini Wheat, I basically explained that I married C because I copied my older brother when I was a kid. (As in, I copied what my older brother was interested in and became actually interested in that hobby myself, which led to me meeting C. I also explained on Sunday that I am a fan of the football team I have been a fan of for ~30 years because it was my brother's favorite team, and I copied him.)
There are other issues that are going on that are not things I can talk about here that lead to the 50/50 chance of us deciding we aren't able to provide him what he needs, and that in trying (and failing) to do so, we are also failing Pop Tart.
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shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on Nov 3, 2014 17:02:53 GMT -5
And "divide and conquer" is our usual theory. The problem sometimes is just figuring out which way we should divide.
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muttleynfelix
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Post by muttleynfelix on Nov 3, 2014 17:10:03 GMT -5
Good Luck Shanen. I am sure suddenly having siblings that are close to the same age in the tween years is rough. We had a very rough transition with DS and he was only 3 when his sister was born. DH's aunt said that her oldest daughter never did "accept" the younger daughter and to this day (in their 30s), they continue to but heads. Best of luck figuring out what is the best situation and scenario for your family heading forward.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 3, 2014 17:26:12 GMT -5
It must be an incredibly tough decision Shan. I wish all of you the best.
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shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on Nov 3, 2014 17:32:11 GMT -5
Good Luck Shanen. I am sure suddenly having siblings that are close to the same age in the tween years is rough. We had a very rough transition with DS and he was only 3 when his sister was born. DH's aunt said that her oldest daughter never did "accept" the younger daughter and to this day (in their 30s), they continue to but heads. Best of luck figuring out what is the best situation and scenario for your family heading forward. "It's not a competition" has now become the most common phrase spoken in our house, moving "don't bite my nose" to the number 2 slot for the first time since it originally appeared in our lexicon 14 years ago (since C and I brought home our Moree dog in Sept 2000, Larry has the same proclivities).
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toomuchreality
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Post by toomuchreality on Nov 3, 2014 18:58:47 GMT -5
Good Luck Shanen. I am sure suddenly having siblings that are close to the same age in the tween years is rough. We had a very rough transition with DS and he was only 3 when his sister was born. DH's aunt said that her oldest daughter never did "accept" the younger daughter and to this day (in their 30s), they continue to but heads. Best of luck figuring out what is the best situation and scenario for your family heading forward. "It's not a competition" has now become the most common phrase spoken in our house, moving "don't bite my nose" to the number 2 slot for the first time since it originally appeared in our lexicon 14 years ago (since C and I brought home our Moree dog in Sept 2000, Larry has the same proclivities). "don't bite my nose" That's a first for me! All my best in your upcoming events, trials and days. Hugs to you and yours♥
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taz157
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Post by taz157 on Nov 3, 2014 19:01:09 GMT -5
"It's not a competition" has now become the most common phrase spoken in our house, moving "don't bite my nose" to the number 2 slot for the first time since it originally appeared in our lexicon 14 years ago (since C and I brought home our Moree dog in Sept 2000, Larry has the same proclivities). "don't bite my nose" That's a first for me! All my best in your upcoming events, trials and days. Hugs to you and yours♥
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 3, 2014 19:36:51 GMT -5
Good luck.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Nov 3, 2014 19:42:21 GMT -5
Heck, I'm an only and I can remember "It's not a competition!" being yelled in our house quite a bit when my cousins were over. Except I was privately flattered by their copycat ways shanendoah, I hope things work out for the best. You know we're with you and we love you guys no matter what. I'm including my family in that statement.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Nov 4, 2014 9:56:41 GMT -5
Good Luck Shanen. I am sure suddenly having siblings that are close to the same age in the tween years is rough. We had a very rough transition with DS and he was only 3 when his sister was born. DH's aunt said that her oldest daughter never did "accept" the younger daughter and to this day (in their 30s), they continue to but heads. Best of luck figuring out what is the best situation and scenario for your family heading forward. "It's not a competition" has now become the most common phrase spoken in our house, moving "don't bite my nose" to the number 2 slot for the first time since it originally appeared in our lexicon 14 years ago (since C and I brought home our Moree dog in Sept 2000, Larry has the same proclivities).Oh dear God, you mean I'm going to be needing that phrase for the next 10 years!!!
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CarolinaKat
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Post by CarolinaKat on Nov 4, 2014 10:21:03 GMT -5
"It's not a competition" has now become the most common phrase spoken in our house, moving "don't bite my nose" to the number 2 slot for the first time since it originally appeared in our lexicon 14 years ago (since C and I brought home our Moree dog in Sept 2000, Larry has the same proclivities). Oh dear God, you mean I'm going to be needing that phrase for the next 10 years!!! Your kids are nose-biters?
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Nov 4, 2014 10:48:11 GMT -5
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shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on Nov 4, 2014 12:25:36 GMT -5
I don't know how long I'll be needing "it's not a competition", though I suspect, especially if Mini Wheat stays, that it might be at least a thought for the rest of my life. (I base this on mine and my brother's relationship.) I've been using "don't bite my nose" since October 2000 when we adopted Moree (our Australian Shepherd), who would be giving you kisses, kisses, kisses, bite the nose. Larry dog, at least, doesn't go with the pretense of kisses (mostly because he's not a licky/kissy dog at all), it's a straight if you put your face in my face, I'm going to nibble your nose. (And yes, you would think I could stop using that phrase if I just stopped putting my face in Larry's face, but he's just too cute -note my new avatar- and he needs kisses from me.)
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justme
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Post by justme on Nov 4, 2014 12:33:30 GMT -5
"It's not a competition" has now become the most common phrase spoken in our house, moving "don't bite my nose" to the number 2 slot for the first time since it originally appeared in our lexicon 14 years ago (since C and I brought home our Moree dog in Sept 2000, Larry has the same proclivities). Oh dear God, you mean I'm going to be needing that phrase for the next 10 years!!! At the risk of inducing a stroke, my mom still has to say that to my brother and he's 31. Though I'm not sure if she's had to say it after he had a kid, maybe be feels like he's won with that. Lol
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myrrh
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Post by myrrh on Nov 4, 2014 13:55:38 GMT -5
Shane, many kudos to you and C for taking Pop Tart and Mini Wheat on. I feel your pain on the sibling rivalry, my two are at it much of the time and it can be SO frustrating. And they are still young, it must be hard to go from being an only for years to suddenly having a "sibling" near your age. Don't know if you've read it but I would recommend "Siblings Without Rivalry" by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. They have some good ideas for coping with it. And reading that you are not alone and millions of other families go through the same thing helps for some reason.
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wvugurl26
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Post by wvugurl26 on Nov 4, 2014 14:15:22 GMT -5
While the rivalry thing is frustrating now there is a light at the end. There are 2.5 years between my brother and me. We fought like crazy growing up. Tested everyone's patience to the end with it. Today he's one of my best friends and someone I can absolutely count on. My grandma is still surprised sometimes when we are just chatting away for hours because she remembers us growing up.
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Works4me
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Post by Works4me on Nov 4, 2014 14:21:52 GMT -5
Personally, given the backgrounds and needs of both children, I really wonder if this would be the best permanent home for MiniWheat.
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shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on Nov 4, 2014 15:31:41 GMT -5
wvugurl26 - I totally get it. My brother and I are 2yrs, 8mos, and 1 day apart. I have known this exact count since I was 7 years old. (I'm the younger sibling.) Even today, put the two of us together for too long, and we'll get on each other's nerves. BUT, he is also one of the most important people in my life. We talk on the phone just to talk, and I know that either of us would do just about anything for the other.
Works4me - That is one of the questions we are pondering. It's really hard to know at only 3 weeks in, especially given that these are his first 3 weeks in foster care, period. But it is a question C and I keep in mind. It's not just, is he the right fit for us, it's are we the right fit for him. And he really might be one of those kids who needs to be an only child or a "much younger" or "much older" child in the home. (He's done really well with Pop Tart's sister, who is 6 years younger than they are.) As we keep moving forward, it is something we'll be talking about with the social workers and his therapist.
And just on a "there are good people everywhere" kind of note. On Sunday, at the football game, our friend M gave Mini Wheat a team hat and fuzzy crown thing. A game or two ago, when he bought it, he had left it under his seat in the stadium, and someone walked by and swiped it. Another season ticket holder who sits nearby noticed and ran the thief down and got it back for M. So on Sunday, M went over to thank the guy again and tell him what "use" the items had gone to. Later in the game, that guy walks over to talk to our friends for a minute, and then hands Mini Wheat some brand new team branded gloves from the pro-shop. Yes, Mini Wheat thanked him. I also went over to him a little later to thank him as well.
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toomuchreality
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Post by toomuchreality on Nov 4, 2014 21:39:59 GMT -5
Nice!
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shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on Nov 15, 2014 19:59:06 GMT -5
Update for those who are following along.
Mini Wheat's new social worker came to visit on Thursday night. He told Mini Wheat the chances of him actually going to his friend's house were about 0.5%. That was difficult for him to hear, but it was needed. Mini Wheat did break down and cry for about 10-15 minutes after SW left.
The last couple weeks have been a little rough. Mini Wheat is getting more comfortable with us, comfortable enough to show his emotions, but sadly, his main emotion is anger. (And don't get me wrong, we get why he's angry. He has a right to be angry.) And that anger often comes out at Pop Tart or us when we enforce the rules. He tends to overreact, claiming hunger strikes, etc, and then calm down after a couple of hours. He then apologizes and we move on, until the next outburst. Sadly, we're at an outburst close to every or every other day, and it is starting to wear on us a bit. And this isn't Mini Wheat's fault. But the truth is, we're good at handling sadness. We know how to help a kid through that. We are much worse at handling anger. We do our best to remain calm and consistent, and mostly it works, but it would be nice to get through one day without a fight.
Mini Wheat and I have had talks about whether he will stay with us or not. I've told him that right now there's no plans for him to go elsewhere. But he is trying to decide if this is where he wants to stay. He likes C and I, but never mentions Pop Tart when we're in that phase. He would like to be back near his school and old neighborhood to be able to hang out with his friends more. The stated goal is for him to remain in his current school for the rest of the school year. (I get that, but it's also frustrating for us, because it really does prevent him from making friends in our neighborhood.) He said that if he asked to go to a new foster home, wouldn't C and I be mad at him. I told him "no", that what we want for him to be safe and happy, and if elsewhere is where he'll be happier, then we would support that.
So, balancing act.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 15, 2014 20:13:02 GMT -5
Oh man, good luck. I had to let go of LGW because of her fits. It really wears on you. And it does have an affect on the other child. It was a hard decision to make, but I was just texting with LGW today and she is doing much better, has more friends and is generally happier. It would have been nice if it had been me that got her there, very humbling that it wasn't, but I really am glad her new foster mom has the skills she needs.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 15, 2014 20:30:49 GMT -5
Shan, I'm sorry that MiniWheat and Pop Tart haven't been able to forge a better relationship. Finding that out about his friend must have been quite a blow to him.
Kudos to you and C for opening your home and your hearts to MiniWheat, and also for having the wisdom to realize he may be happier elsewhere.
And same to Later. Later, there must be SO many factors involved ... the composition of the family, the school district, the proximity to (or distance from) where the child comes from ... I'm very happy that LGW is doing better now, but I'm guessing that her new foster mom is only one of the multitude of reasons why.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Nov 15, 2014 23:27:55 GMT -5
Shanendoah, reading this breaks my heart but I can't imagine anyone handling it better than you. Wow. Please keep updating.
I wish healing and stability and peace for this young man. He's got a long road ahead of him and I hope it rises to meet him.
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Nov 16, 2014 19:26:07 GMT -5
I'm too tired to say much else, but I commend both you and later for what you do for these kids.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Nov 17, 2014 14:48:00 GMT -5
I'm glad MW knows. I think it's better he knows. I think it's good too, that he asked how you and C would react. I'm not sure what exactly that means but I suspect it means he's doing some bonding.
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