Kid #2 (may or may not be temporary) final update #185

[shanendoah]

Last Friday late afternoon (after 4pm) we got a call about a child- an 11 y/o boy who had literally just come into care. They didn't have a lot of information on him, just that there had been a lot of loss in his life, but mostly, he was sitting in the DSHS offices with no where to go for the weekend. Would we take him, just for the weekend?

Despite knowing I would be starting a new job on Monday, we said yes.

The weekend was good, though I didn't get a chance to do some of the things I had wanted to do prior to starting a new job (like steaming my slacks), and it was a little more stressful that would have been ideal.

His social worker came and picked him up for school yesterday morning, and he had all his stuff packed up and ready to go. There had been the hope that he would be able to go stay with a friend's family, but the background check is coming back with some red flags, as are other parts of the DSHS investigation into whether this family would be a good resource. Mini Wheat (as kid #2 will henceforth be called) has only been told that they don't have a definitive answer on that yet. We have been told about the red flags and that it is unlikely that he will get to go stay with his friend. Yesterday, we agreed to be a "long term" resource, whatever the term turns out to be. 

He's a good kid, just a month older than Pop Tart. He is a grade ahead of her, though (she was held back on year) and most of the time, they seem a couple years apart in age. Every once in a while, though, she's able to bring out the kid in him, and it's fun to listen to them laugh and giggle as they brush their teeth.

He was, of course, terrified on Friday (though he tried hard not to show us that), as we were his first out of home placement ever. And going to live with a strange family is SCARY. He's adjusted well. Went from being afraid of the dogs to trying to get them to sit in his lap. He is hungry for rules and structure (which he hasn't had in, at least, a year) and will ask us for them if we leave something a little too up in the air for him. 

I am a little concerned about him acting out when he finds out for certain that he won't get to go stay with his friend, but that's a bridge we'll cross when we get there. (And there is a chance, albeit a small one, that he will get to go live with his friend).

In the meantime, in addition to me getting into a routine, we now have an extra kid in the mix whose school isn't in our district and starts and ends earlier than Pop Tart's. We're working with the social workers right now to get him where he needs to be when he needs to be there, and they've put in a referral for a service specifically for getting foster kids to schools that are in different districts than their foster homes. Hopefully that will start next week.

So life is a little crazy.

[The Captain]

You.are.amazing!

The fact that you are willing to make your life a little crazy so it can be less scary for a kid is awesome!

[taz157]

Oct 14, 2014 16:30:24 GMT -5 The Captain said:

You.are.amazing!

The fact that you are willing to make your life a little crazy so it can be less scary for a kid is awesome!

Yeah that. Good luck for everyone.

[TheHaitian]

Oct 14, 2014 16:30:24 GMT -5 The Captain said:

You.are.amazing!

The fact that you are willing to make your life a little crazy so it can be less scary for a kid is awesome!

Yeah that X 1,000,000

Good luck with the new addition

[Deleted]

Wow! I concur that you are indeed amazing LOL!

If you keep him longer term, what are the chances of getting him into Pop Tart's school (or at least school district)? I know it's a detail in the scheme of things. But having two kids get to, and come home from, two different schools is not THAT much of a detail when you are living it, five days a week, twice a day, and you've just started a new job.

I think it's great that you're willing to take MiniWheat but do you know how reliable the "foster kid transport" option is? I would be wary of relying on that, or at least find out how reliable it is. 

That's NOT to say I wouldn't take MiniWheat! But, as soon as it looks like he might be with my family for a while, I'd try to get him transferred to my school district, if not to the same school as PopTart.

Having them in the same school would be easier on you, AND, it would (ideally) also help them bond, they'd each have each other.

But of course there's probably no point to moving mountains to do that if it looks like it will be a temporary placement. 

[gacpa]

You are an awesome human being!

[milee]

Oct 14, 2014 18:33:50 GMT -5 @debthaven2 said:

Wow! I concur that you are indeed amazing LOL!

If you keep him longer term, what are the chances of getting him into Pop Tart's school (or at least school district)? I know it's a detail in the scheme of things. But having two kids get to, and come home from, two different schools is not THAT much of a detail when you are living it, five days a week, twice a day, and you've just started a new job.

I think it's great that you're willing to take MiniWheat but do you know how reliable the "foster kid transport" option is? I would be wary of relying on that, or at least find out how reliable it is. 

That's NOT to say I wouldn't take MiniWheat! But, as soon as it looks like he might be with my family for a while, I'd try to get him transferred to my school district, if not to the same school as PopTart.

I'm not so sure on that one. Although it's really inconvenient for the foster parents, if you have a foster kid who's already had a huge upheaval and losing all his regular contact with family and friends, his school may be a good constant that you want to retain to give him some sense of continuity and hopefully some ongoing contact with existing friends.  Since C's not working right now if he could possibly help with some of those issues like transportation, it's a huge, huge PITA, but if at all possible keeping Mini Wheat in his current school may help him.

Then again, if it's a bad school and he doesn't have any attachments there, by all means move him.

[Deleted]

Milee I definitely see your point and agree. If it's temporary, it's better for him to stay in familiar surroundings. 

But if it's long term, ultimately, if Shane and C take this child in long or even medium term, they may want to consider moving MiniWheat to their school district.
 
At 11, he's probably starting middle school. Two months in, with Shane starting a new job, I'm not sure I'd make the commitment to keeping him where he is for another 3 years or so. I'd rather move him sooner than later, perhaps after Xmas. If he has just this year there, I definitely agree.  

[Deleted]

There is a special cloud in heaven for people who do what you have done.  God bless you.

[shanendoah]

@debthaven2 - once we get the word that this will be more permanent, yes, we will likely look into transferring Mini Wheat to Pop Tart's school district. I'm not super happy about this as the district he's in has 6th grade (his grade) in middle school and Pop Tart's still has them in elementary, so it will feel like a step backward to him. But unless this transportation is super reliable (and it might be, it is a state contract) and we don't plan on adopting him until after the school is done (if he stays long term, we'll be looking to adopt. Our 6 month "waiting time" to adopt would be up in April) we will move him.
However, right now, consistency for him is very important. And, he's not ready to accept that he won't be going to his friend's house just yet. We need to establish consistency in his living/home life situation and help him deal with the disappointment/added loss of not going somewhere he knows before we throw too many other changes at him.

And really, he is still operating on the thought that any day he could be going to his friend's house. For that reason, we aren't even talking about Halloween costumes, or the fact that I've arranged to take him to a football game that weekend (yay for awesome friends). It's one of those things we intend to be able to hold out as a positive for staying with us, because when he hears the final "no" re: friend's house, he'll need as much positive as we can give him.

[shanendoah]

To clarify, Mini Wheat, if he stays with us, will, at the longest, stay in his current school until the end of the school year. Depending on where things are, we might consider moving him come end of semester/winter break. We'll see. We are pretty good at helping maintain friendships from previous schools (we have practice), so we should be able to keep him in touch with his current group of friends.

Getting Mini Wheat to school is the issue. If I take him to school, that means I have to keep driving and paying $15/day to park. (Okay, maybe not that much with a parking pass, but still quite a bit compared to taking the bus/train.)
His school opens it's doors about 30 minutes before Pop Tart gets on the bus. If C had to take Mini Wheat to school, he would not be home to make sure Pop Tart made it to the bus. Most days she's self sufficient, but we're still running 30-40% needing an adult to keep her on track and make sure she is on time with everything she needs (like her glasses, lunch, and clarinet on band days).
For this week, at least, his social worker is picking him up and driving him to school. C will be picking MiniWheat up after school. He should be able to get there and back with room to spare before Pop Tart gets off the bus. However, she is being given a house key to let herself in, should traffic be really horrendous (which, given that he'll have a carpool on the way home, should be incredibly rare), and he's running late.

[The Walk of the Penguin Mich]

Can he continue to visit this friend or is that going to be off the table too?

[Nazgul Girl]

   Good luck and I hope everything works out for the best for the whole family.   Thank you for doing what you do !  

[Deleted]

Wow that's tough, Shane. In an ideal world I would want to keep MiniWheat in his school till the end of the year, but given the details, I'm not sure how feasible that will be. 

Most of us "good workers" have established a tolerance for change, stress, being late, etc as our kids grow and face new situations. But the bottom line is, you are starting a new job, and you are the primary earner, and you don't have that slack (yet).

So it will be a balancing act between what is best for your current family, and what is best for MiniWheat.  

There is also an advantage to being the "big man on campus", ie being in the oldest class at a given school, rather than in the youngest class. Maybe as time goes on (I know you're not there yet) you can emphasize that? 

And I'm sure PopTart has a lot of friends, and many of them probably have older siblings. I know changing mid-year wouldn't be ideal for MiniWheat, but if it comes to that, I'm sure you can make it work, ie maintain his old friendships, and help him to make new ones. 

And again, if it comes to that, as much as he probably doesn't want to leave his old school, he would probably get comfort from the idea of being at school with PopTart. I don't know if he's an only child or if he's been separated from his siblings, but having somebody to share with can only bring both of them comfort and make them closer.

[skubikky]

I really can't seem to come up with the right words to describe what a remarkably decent, caring thing you are doing.
You and C have my utmost respect.
You are all in my thoughts.

[Wisconsin Beth]

Lots of hugs for you, C, Pop Tart and Mini Wheat. 

I would suggest (and I have absolutely no experience in fostering/ adopting/etc.) that you re-enforce how much you like having him with you - that you're enjoying seeing him come out of his shell and that you'd like to keep him.  So that he's got that to hold onto when he finds out that he can't so stay with the friend. 

[GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl]

THIS!  

THIS!

THIS is your superpower!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And, if you think about it, you ARE "finding" something someone "lost" -- Mini Wheat's childhood.

[Deleted]

Good luck shane. For Wheatthin's sake I hope if he can't go to the friend he can stay with you guys. There is less extra attachment trauma the less they have to move. Saying prayers for all of you.

And I love the sound of the kids giggling together too.

[Deleted]

He is hungry for rules and structure (which he hasn't had in, at least, a year) and will ask us for them if we leave something a little too up in the air for him.

He's trying to make his world predictable. It doesn't mean he will actually follow your rules, just that he will know when he is going to be in trouble. It is actually good to follow through and not "give him a break" in those situations.

[GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl]

Hopefully, seeing how much Pop Tart loves living with you and C will give Mini Wheat some reassurance that staying with you -- while it may not be his friend's home -- would still be safe, supportive, and fun.

[lexxy703]

You are a wonderful person! Your husband too.

[milee]

Oct 15, 2014 10:08:40 GMT -5 laterbloomer said:

And I love the sound of the kids giggling together too.

My boys share a room and even though I'm pretty strict with bed times, they're almost 5 years apart in age so they go to bed at different times. Normally, once they're in bed I'm tough about wanting the lights out and quiet, but sometimes when they're in there together, talking quietly, sharing about their day and softly giggling... I melt.  I'll let them do that for hours.

[mmhmm]

Aww, the poor little guy! Thank you, so much, Shanen, C and Poptart, for being there for this little guy. He's in the right place. With the love and care you have to offer, he's bound to benefit. Best of luck to all of you!

[Firebird]

I have such a huge grin on my face right now!  I'm excited for you guys and crossing my fingers that this works out as well for Mini Wheat as it has for Pop Tart.  She's a great kid and you and C are amazing parents. 

I'm glad you guys have had practice at maintaining ties with former schools so you'll know how to play it if he has to change. 

Does he have any siblings?

[Firebird]

Also, how is Pop Tart doing with the addition of Mini Wheat? 

[shanendoah]

First, thank you everyone. Though I do want to mention that I am not the only person on this board who has adopted or is a foster parent. I just talk about it a little more. We have many AMAZING and wonderful people on this board.


laterbloomer - yes, we have agreed to be a long term resource. We told the placement coordinator that she did not need to keep looking for homes for him, so if the friend's family doesn't work out, he will stay with us.  And we are most definitely in the "honeymoon" phase, though I think that's a stupid term for it. Really, we're in the "scared s***less" phase. I fully expect that as things become more stable there will be acting out and testing of us.


The Walk of the Penguin Mich - right now he sees his friends at school. We'll work on finding him time to hang out with friends on the weekends. Eventually, we'll even be able to approve the occasional overnight stay, but that's not a good option at the moment.


Wisconsin Beth - we tell him he's a good kid and that we like having him around. He has felt very "unwanted" so we try to convey on a regular basis that he is very welcome in our house.


One of the reasons that we don't know anything about permanence of length of stay is that he just came into state care. The state has to do searches for suitable family members who may be willing to care for him, and then kinship searches (like his friend's family). In addition, it's been reported that there's Native American heritage- not a whole lot, a 4th great grandparent, but that does mean the tribe needs to be contacted, and they can choose to have a say in placement and adoption.

[Wisconsin Beth]

Oct 15, 2014 10:53:45 GMT -5 shanendoah said:

First, thank you everyone. Though I do want to mention that I am not the only person on this board who has adopted or is a foster parent. I just talk about it a little more. We have many AMAZING and wonderful people on this board.


laterbloomer - yes, we have agreed to be a long term resource. We told the placement coordinator that she did not need to keep looking for homes for him, so if the friend's family doesn't work out, he will stay with us.  And we are most definitely in the "honeymoon" phase, though I think that's a stupid term for it. Really, we're in the "scared s***less" phase. I fully expect that as things become more stable there will be acting out and testing of us.


The Walk of the Penguin Mich - right now he sees his friends at school. We'll work on finding him time to hang out with friends on the weekends. Eventually, we'll even be able to approve the occasional overnight stay, but that's not a good option at the moment.


Wisconsin Beth - we tell him he's a good kid and that we like having him around. He has felt very "unwanted" so we try to convey on a regular basis that he is very welcome in our house.


One of the reasons that we don't know anything about permanence of length of stay is that he just came into state care. The state has to do searches for suitable family members who may be willing to care for him, and then kinship searches (like his friend's family). In addition, it's been reported that there's Native American heritage- not a whole lot, a 4th great grandparent, but that does mean the tribe needs to be contacted, and they can choose to have a say in placement and adoption.

Good.  It's important to hear and see that you're important and valued in a family. 

Was the family doing anything about the Native American heritage?  Because if not, it's wild that the Tribes would get a say so in the upbringing of a child just because 4th great grandparent" was a member even though the now deceased parents didn't care.  If that sentence makes sense.  I know what I mean I'm just having problems getting it out. 

[shanendoah]

Firebird - Pop Tart is doing okay. There will be acting out from her, too. She's used to all the attention. She's used to family activities that center around what she wants. That is changing. We're trying to be even about it (one night we watch a show she loves, the next night we watch a show Mini Wheat loves, etc) and making sure that there are still activities that are about her. I've got to get my nails done this weekend, so I'll take her with me and she'll get a mani too.
Naturally, though, this is when her therapist is getting married and on vacation, so no therapy this week. We'll have family therapy next week, and her next counseling session is the week after. In a sense, this will be a great test of how our family counseling and family coping skills have grown.
He does not have any siblings. Mom died when he was 2, Dad when he was 5. He's 11 now and been living with different grandparents over the last 6 years. 
Not right now because of everything going on, but once things settle more, we will almost certainly be arranging visits with grandparents. (Social workers may arrange supervised visits right now, but that hasn't come up yet.)


Wisconsin Beth - So, adoption laws for Native Americans are tricky. And they need to be. The US and State governments have a history of pulling Native children from their families, shoving them in boarding schools or placing them with white families in an effort to "Americanize" them. Whether we want to admit it or not, not that long ago, our government really did have a policy of cultural genocide regarding Native Americans. To combat that, we now have some very strict rules about state custody and adoption of Native children. One of those rules is that even in cases where the family has not been active in the tribe, the tribe must be notified and given right of first refusal (that's not the best phrasing, but its the closest legalese I can come up with). In a case like this, if Mini Wheat and his parent or grandparent weren't on Tribal roles, the tribe will almost certainly not choose to take a proactive role in the placement and adoption. What will likely happen is that they will give permission for a non-Native family to adopt, but request that they get approval of that family, and perhaps put some items in the adoption agreement that requires the family to expose the child to their native heritage.

[Firebird]

He does not have any siblings. Mom died when he was 2, Dad when he was 5. He's 11 now and been living with different grandparents over the last 6 years.

  That poor kid.  It's too bad none of the grandparents were in a position to take him for the remainder of his childhood.  Wow. 

I'm so glad he's with you and I hope he gets to stay, especially if his friend's house would not be a good place. 

[Wisconsin Beth]

Oct 15, 2014 11:17:27 GMT -5 shanendoah said:

Firebird - Pop Tart is doing okay. There will be acting out from her, too. She's used to all the attention. She's used to family activities that center around what she wants. That is changing. We're trying to be even about it (one night we watch a show she loves, the next night we watch a show Mini Wheat loves, etc) and making sure that there are still activities that are about her. I've got to get my nails done this weekend, so I'll take her with me and she'll get a mani too.
Naturally, though, this is when her therapist is getting married and on vacation, so no therapy this week. We'll have family therapy next week, and her next counseling session is the week after. In a sense, this will be a great test of how our family counseling and family coping skills have grown.
He does not have any siblings. Mom died when he was 2, Dad when he was 5. He's 11 now and been living with different grandparents over the last 6 years. 
Not right now because of everything going on, but once things settle more, we will almost certainly be arranging visits with grandparents. (Social workers may arrange supervised visits right now, but that hasn't come up yet.)


Wisconsin Beth - So, adoption laws for Native Americans are tricky. And they need to be. The US and State governments have a history of pulling Native children from their families, shoving them in boarding schools or placing them with white families in an effort to "Americanize" them. Whether we want to admit it or not, not that long ago, our government really did have a policy of cultural genocide regarding Native Americans. To combat that, we now have some very strict rules about state custody and adoption of Native children. One of those rules is that even in cases where the family has not been active in the tribe, the tribe must be notified and given right of first refusal (that's not the best phrasing, but its the closest legalese I can come up with). In a case like this, if Mini Wheat and his parent or grandparent weren't on Tribal roles, the tribe will almost certainly not choose to take a proactive role in the placement and adoption. What will likely happen is that they will give permission for a non-Native family to adopt, but request that they get approval of that family, and perhaps put some items in the adoption agreement that requires the family to expose the child to their native heritage.

Yeah, I know some of the history of trying to "Americanize" them.  It was not good for anyone. 

It's good (in my opinion) that if the grandparents and parents weren't active, the tribe won't force the poor kid to go to them.  He's got enough on his plate right now. 

And I'm sorry that the grandparents weren't able to keep him too.  With my kids, when they were born, my parents flat out said they wouldn't raise them if anything happened to us.  I don't remember if Dh's parents said anything or not but at the time they were going though some health issues so I may have just assumed (and DH agreed) that they weren't able to take the kids.  This does illustrate the need for us to get out act together and get the legal stuff in place for my younger sister to take them though.