zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Nov 17, 2014 14:51:21 GMT -5
It's tough being a parent.
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tskeeter
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Post by tskeeter on Nov 17, 2014 17:45:43 GMT -5
Oh man, good luck. I had to let go of LGW because of her fits. It really wears on you. And it does have an affect on the other child. It was a hard decision to make, but I was just texting with LGW today and she is doing much better, has more friends and is generally happier. It would have been nice if it had been me that got her there, very humbling that it wasn't, but I really am glad her new foster mom has the skills she needs. Given how much a foster child's needs must change over fairly short periods of time, it's not surprising to me that one person has a hard time meeting all those needs. I suspect what often happens is that the foster parent addresses the needs they can meet, and then it's time for the child to spend time with someone who has a different skill set to meet a new set of needs. As much as we'd like to be all things to all people, that doesn't really work. The fact that you're still in touch with LGW is, to me, an indication that LGW values the support and effort that you devoted to her. Way to go!
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tskeeter
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Post by tskeeter on Nov 17, 2014 17:51:10 GMT -5
wvugurl26 - I totally get it. My brother and I are 2yrs, 8mos, and 1 day apart. I have known this exact count since I was 7 years old. (I'm the younger sibling.) Even today, put the two of us together for too long, and we'll get on each other's nerves. BUT, he is also one of the most important people in my life. We talk on the phone just to talk, and I know that either of us would do just about anything for the other.
Siblings - the people who annoy the living daylights out of you; but you love them anyway.
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Nov 17, 2014 18:33:38 GMT -5
Siblings - the people who annoy the living daylights out of you; but you love them anyway.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Nov 18, 2014 10:37:09 GMT -5
The fact that you're still in touch with LGW is, to me, an indication that LGW values the support and effort that you devoted to her. Way to go!
I keep trying to figure this out and failing. What does LGW mean?
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Nov 18, 2014 10:37:48 GMT -5
Little Girl Wonder. Later called her first foster Girl Wonder. The second was LGW to differentiate between them.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Nov 18, 2014 11:05:08 GMT -5
Aha! Thanks, Beth.
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shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on Nov 20, 2014 16:14:47 GMT -5
Not necessarily looking for feedback on this, just feel the need to type it out, share it somewhere safe, for my own sake.
I just drafted an email to our social worker stating that we are not able to be a permanent resource for Mini Wheat. This is not a "get him out of our house NOW" scenario (as was the case when we took in Pop Tart), but it is a "social workers need to figure out another plan" scenario. He's not the right second child for us. And we're not the right home to help him through his issues.
Kind of my moment of realization this wasn't going to work last night was when I had the thought that I wouldn't be comfortable leaving him home alone with the dogs. That I would be concerned that if he were left alone with the dogs for any length of time, something might "happen" to my terrier (who is a total punk, I know, but...).
I have guilt about this. But our plan is to be a foster to adopt home, not a foster home. And the longer we are fostering him, with no plans for permanency, the longer we are not looking for the child that will be right for us. And my first responsibility is to my family- to C and myself, to Pop Tart, and to the dogs.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Nov 20, 2014 16:18:57 GMT -5
Sorry it isn't working out with Mini Wheat, Shane.
At the same time though it takes a lot of strength/insight to realize that it's not a good fit and seek out another home that might be more suitable. You're doing the right thing by admitting his issues are more than you can/want to handle.
Especially if his issues are such that you're getting concerned about leaving him alone with the dogs.
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CarolinaKat
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Post by CarolinaKat on Nov 20, 2014 16:43:14 GMT -5
Not necessarily looking for feedback on this, just feel the need to type it out, share it somewhere safe, for my own sake.
I just drafted an email to our social worker stating that we are not able to be a permanent resource for Mini Wheat. This is not a "get him out of our house NOW" scenario (as was the case when we took in Pop Tart), but it is a "social workers need to figure out another plan" scenario. He's not the right second child for us. And we're not the right home to help him through his issues.
Kind of my moment of realization this wasn't going to work last night was when I had the thought that I wouldn't be comfortable leaving him home alone with the dogs. That I would be concerned that if he were left alone with the dogs for any length of time, something might "happen" to my terrier (who is a total punk, I know, but...).
I have guilt about this. But our plan is to be a foster to adopt home, not a foster home. And the longer we are fostering him, with no plans for permanency, the longer we are not looking for the child that will be right for us. And my first responsibility is to my family- to C and myself, to Pop Tart, and to the dogs. I"ll probably get flamed all to hell but here it goes: I have animals. They are an integral part of my life and I have structured said life in such a way that it works for them. DH would not have become DH if he did not agree on something this fundamental. They love me and give me all kinds of intangible things that I cannot replicate from another source. In turn, I do what's best by them. DH is the same. Our (future) children will be raised this way, the same way we were and our nieces and nephews are being raised. You and C have done the same. You are raising PopTart to do the same. You are building a family. You need to do what's best for you AND C AND PopTart AND the furbabies. It's very sad that you are not the right home for MiniWheat, but you can be a soft place to land before a permanent home is arranged.You aren't throwing him out or abandoning him, you're just admitting that you need to find the right place for MiniWheat. Another home might be better suited for dealing with his situation.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Nov 20, 2014 16:48:50 GMT -5
*hugs*
I am sorry it's not working out with Mini Wheat. No feedback, just hugs.
How is this kind of thing communicated to the child?
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taz157
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Post by taz157 on Nov 20, 2014 17:52:50 GMT -5
Sorry it isn't working out with Mini Wheat, Shane.
At the same time though it takes a lot of strength/insight to realize that it's not a good fit and seek out another home that might be more suitable. You're doing the right thing by admitting his issues are more than you can/want to handle.
Especially if his issues are such that you're getting concerned about leaving him alone with the dogs.
Yeah that. ((((Hugs))))
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shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on Nov 20, 2014 18:52:46 GMT -5
Firebird - It's different in every case. It is just too dependent on the child, their history, the reasons for the move, etc. We'll start the conversation with our social worker. It will move to a conversation with his social worker and GAL. There will almost certainly be a conversation with his therapist as well. As a group, we'll decide the best way for handling it in this case.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 20, 2014 21:07:49 GMT -5
It sucks that he's not a fit. But these are things that are better figured out sooner than later. I really know the mixed feelings you have. But it really will be better for MW as well in the long term.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 20, 2014 21:12:31 GMT -5
So sorry to read this shane . I'm positive you'll do everything in your power to help find him his destined "family/home". You're a good person with a gracious heart. Thank You.
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on Nov 20, 2014 21:29:19 GMT -5
From what I've read, the thing MiniWheat has needed most is love, care, and protection. You're giving him that by realizing he might be better helped elsewhere. Just as Later's decision to have another placement found for LGW was done with the best interests of the children involved foremost, you are putting the kids first. That, to me, is beyond laudable. Kudos to you both for the work you're doing.
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Lizard Queen
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Post by Lizard Queen on Nov 20, 2014 21:47:06 GMT -5
There was one thing that struck me as problematic with this placement, which others will probably think is irrelevant. The fact that there would be a boy and girl of the same age who aren't blood relatives. I think that increases the likelihood of rivalry, as well as potential for them to be attracted to each other (one or both). It just adds to the stress of the situation and confusion level of both kids.
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cronewitch
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Post by cronewitch on Nov 20, 2014 22:23:55 GMT -5
Sorry it didn't work out but if you can't trust him not to harm a dog you can't trust him not to harm people. Since he doesn't want pop tart something might happen to her too. I hope he finds a family that he loves and they love him and he learns to value all life.
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muttleynfelix
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Post by muttleynfelix on Nov 21, 2014 9:13:47 GMT -5
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shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on Nov 21, 2014 12:22:06 GMT -5
Yesterday I wrote a draft for C to look over and make sure what I was writing was conveying what both of us were feeling appropriately. Sent it to our social worker this morning, forgetting that today is National Adoption Day- so she's a little busy. (Two of the family's she's been working with our finalizing today. Tomorrow is our 1 yr anniversary of finalizing with Pop Tart.)
However, she is going to call us at Noon, and we'll talk. This is going to be a tough balancing act. We don't want him to go to a "temporary" home after us- we'd like it to be some place where the plan is permanency, and we're not in a rush. At the same time, we don't want the state social workers to feel that they have all the time in the world, so that he's still with us 7 months down the road.
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shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on Nov 21, 2014 17:45:11 GMT -5
Talked to our social worker over lunch. She'll handle the initial conversations with the state social workers. (There is a reason I'm paying an agency.) Plan will be to give them 2 weeks (kind of the minimum for a non-emergent move) to 2 months (which will give them time to present him at consortium, do a comprehensive search with hopes for permanency, etc), but won't still have us in a situation that isn't right for us much past the start of the new year.
I know from the experience with Pop Tart, our agency will help with finding a new family, sending out his profile to other families working with them, too.
Social worker said she didn't want us to feel guilty about this. I told her I was going to feel guilty regardless, but that I also know this is the right decision for us. She also wanted to make sure that we didn't feel she would think badly of us for this decision, given the circumstances around the placement and how little anyone actually knew at the time. (Because honestly, if we had gotten some of the information we got a couple of weeks after he'd been in our home before the placement, we never would have agreed to it in the first place.) I think this was important to her to say because of the circumstances surrounding Pop Tart's placement with us. (And yes, we totally judge that family, as much as I try to put a positive spin on it when talking to people about it.)
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Nov 21, 2014 17:53:18 GMT -5
It sounds like you are doing what is best for both Mini Wheat and your family. That is a loving thing to do. It really is, especially since you say that if you had known all the details, you would never have agreed to the placement. Please do not be too hard on yourself.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 21, 2014 17:58:41 GMT -5
LOL That is one of the big lessons I have learned with a couple of my placements. GW2 and NGW both showed up with stories about how terrible their previous foster mothers were. I bought into it to a degree. After having the girls a while I came to understand why the previous fosters did things the way they did. After letting LGW go and GW2 and NGW moving out I have a good idea I am now talked about the way they talked about others. Now I try really hard not to judge a situation I wasn't there for.
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shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on Nov 21, 2014 18:38:16 GMT -5
laterbloomer - I really do try to have sympathy for the other family. They were in a difficult spot, and took the only out they could think of. But...
Because Pop Tart is adopted, I can share more about that situation. This was supposed to be an adoptive placement. Pop Tart went to them with everyone telling her they were going to adopt her. They had her call them Mom and Dad. 9 months in to the placement, Pop Tart and their bio-son had not bonded (and trust me, this has been fully on my mind in the situation with Mini Wheat, and one of the reasons we're not waiting and hoping things get better), and that had pretty much prevented mom from bonding with Pop Tart. Pop Tart had nightmares in which bad people came into the house to kill those she cared about and tried to convince her to help them. In her dreams, Pop Tart always tried to talk the bad people out of it. These were recurring nightmares she had had from before she was ever placed with this family. I know this because it was documented and because we have developed a relationship with her intake and long term foster homes from before that placement. The first time she mentioned those dreams to the family, they freaked out and put her in counseling (which she totally needed, but not necessarily for that). The night before she was placed with us, she supposedly heard a voice telling her to hurt the family while awake. She instantly told the parents this. They freaked out, locked themselves and bio-son in their room for the night, then called the social worker in the morning and said - get her out of our house today, we'll never feel safe again. (For the record, Pop Tart was a 50lb 9 year old.)
In my most generous moments to the family, I think that perhaps Pop Tart was engaged in attention seeking behavior. She has LOTS of attention seeking behaviors. The circumstances in which this happened were that she was alone with bio-son (with whom she didn't have a good relationship) downstairs while parents were upstairs. She had gotten lots of attention for talking about her bad dreams, and perhaps this was a ploy to get more adult attention.
In my least generous moments, I believe the bio-son very possibly was "playing a prank" on Pop Tart and whispered the words, then naturally denied that he had done so. (This suspicion is also held by previous foster mom who had considerable more contact with this family than I did.) Parents claimed bio-son knew nothing about Pop Tart's dreams/issues, but I doubt that, not because I think they mentioned it to him (though they were willing to lock him in their room with them, and Pop Tart out of it, so I don't think they were all that great at hiding their reactions), but because Pop Tart almost certainly did. She shares things about herself very freely.
I will admit that there is a very slim possibility that Pop Tart is among the evil unicorns - a pre-pubescent, psychotic or sociopathic, female, who has C and I, her therapist, and all social workers fooled. But that's really low on our likelihood scale.
The emotional truth of the matter, and the way I present it to people who ask (because again, Pop Tart shares things freely, which confuses people who don't know her history), is that that family realized, after 9 months of trying, that Pop Tart wasn't the right fit for their family, and they made the very difficult decision to end the placement and have her move on.
This is true. I believe it. And I don't judge them for that decision. I judge them for the way they handled that decision and subsequent contact/attempts at contact with Pop Tart, that served their emotional needs but took no consideration for her's.
Though that is a lesson we learned from them that we'll take to heart now. Knowing how Mini Wheat will feel about this coming separation, we will not try for any kind of contact with him, unless his therapist deems it in his best interest. Because while we do not desire to "abandon" him the way he has been abandoned in the past, that is how he will see it. And if he needs to hate us and have no contact with us in order to move on with his life, that's the way it will be.
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Opti
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Post by Opti on Nov 21, 2014 19:00:50 GMT -5
Does she have these dreams anymore? What do her therapist and social worker think about these past dreams?
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shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on Nov 21, 2014 19:20:25 GMT -5
Opti - She does not have these dreams anymore, hasn't for a while. The last time she had one, she was able to convince the "bad people" not to hurt anyone. It seems in many senses they were dreams triggered by her feelings about lack of permanency and control over her situation. (And I should mention, before coming into care, she was living in a drug house. She witnessed violence against her mother and aunt that she was powerless to stop, and was the victim of violence at the hand of a younger but larger cousin.) She still has anxiety issues and trailers for scary movies cause bed time issues, but her recurring nightmares are gone. And we've worked with the therapist on ways for her to cope with her fears, especially after seeing something scary. She also still has attention seeking behaviors (actually, her worst anxiety moments now a days are more attention seeking than true fear), but it is all much less than when she came to us. Again, though, tomorrow is one full year of permanency, one full year after we all stood up in court together and promised a judge we would be together forever. It makes a HUGE difference.
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kjto1
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Post by kjto1 on Nov 21, 2014 20:05:53 GMT -5
Oh My Gosh! It's been a YEAR since the adoption? Time sure went fast (to me anyway...)
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Opti
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Post by Opti on Nov 21, 2014 20:06:20 GMT -5
Thanks for the explanation. Makes much more sense with the drug house background. Hopefully some day she won't remember much of that.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Nov 23, 2014 23:49:35 GMT -5
Please try not to be too hard on yourself. Easy for me to say, I know. A close family member had to find other arrangements for their foster to adopt son when they could no longer trust him around their daughter, and they still can't talk about that. I know it's really hard not to blame yourself.
Do the dogs sleep in your room? What's the plan to keep them safe while the new home is in the works for Mini Wheat?
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cronewitch
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Post by cronewitch on Nov 24, 2014 1:38:16 GMT -5
Please try not to be too hard on yourself. Easy for me to say, I know. A close family member had to find other arrangements for their foster to adopt son when they could no longer trust him around their daughter, and they still can't talk about that. I know it's really hard not to blame yourself. Do the dogs sleep in your room? What's the plan to keep them safe while the new home is in the works for Mini Wheat? My brother has a son who had to be removed for not being trusted with little sister. Son had brain damage as infant and when he got big he didn't want to wear clothes and masterbated in front of family. He was big and strong, non verbal. They put him in a foster home with wonderful foster parents. Foster parents taught him to behave and speak and were just great parents with him. Brother and his wife visited him and brought him home for birthdays but really couldn't keep him. He got brain surgery when he was turning 18 to control rage and now is about 35 working sorting recycling in a sheltered workshop. You can't allow anyone to harm children even if you have to give up someone you love.
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