Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Oct 9, 2014 15:33:53 GMT -5
Even if it isn't his kid, this time--he needs to realize that he dodged a bullet, but she didn't and hopefully he could show her some compassion.
I agree with this. I'm definitely not saying he should act like a jackass and/or yell "Neener neener, you're totally screwed!" if the paternity test comes back negative.
Also, to be clear, I don't find her refusal to do an in-utero paternity test suspicious. Don't those have to be done via amnio? I've heard that's risky and I certainly wouldn't risk the life of a baby I wanted for a paternity test. Especially if I planned to go it alone and allow the father to sign away paternal rights regardless of the results.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Oct 9, 2014 15:38:18 GMT -5
And they only have to draw mom's blood now- so it isn't the invasive ones they used to have.
Oh, that's really cool. In that case, yeah, there's no reason not to do it right now and clear this whole thing up unless the cost is prohibitive. I would be willing to pay for it myself in that situation for peace of mind.
If the cost was not prohibitive, I would definitely refuse to fork over a penny until she agreed to have it done.
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Abby Normal
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Post by Abby Normal on Oct 9, 2014 15:38:42 GMT -5
Friend and son are trying to be civil and work the problem. They do realize it might be his. Friend said there is no way she's going to encourage him to sign off his rights because she wants contact with her grandchild and he needs to take responsibility IF it's his.
Not sure why she won't get the paternity test (in a couple weeks) but son told her he wouldn't sign and that nothing would be decided until he has the pat. results. He said he would pay for the test. That is when she said she wouldn't get one until baby was born.
They are hoping to have a meeting with everyone this weekend.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Oct 9, 2014 15:40:16 GMT -5
This is the part that gets tricky for me. What if it IS his child? If he is an ass to baby mama the whole pregnancy they are going to get off to a really bad start. I think he needs to be cautious, not sign anything, but keep that relationship open until he has more info. Why won't she get the paternity test before the baby is born? Could it be for concern about the baby? (I don't know if that valid, but people be crazy and finding out a why instead of assuming its because she's hiding something seems like a good start). Can he go with her to doctors appointments to find out if the concern is valid? How accurate are paternity tests when baby is still in utero? Even if it isn't his kid, this time--he needs to realize that he dodged a bullet, but she didn't and hopefully he could show her some compassion. Then you make time for the kid or act like a raging ass, depending on what kind of person you are. Seriously, if you can get everyone on baby mama's side of the fence to be civil when being told the wait and see approach is being taken, I'll be completely amazed. You've seen what she's already posted on Facebook. It's not going to be pretty whatever decision the kid makes. Except for the stupid facebook post (from an emotional, hormonal, pregnant 18 year old) do we have anything saying baby mama's side isn't being civil? Keep communication open. These people could be your in-laws! Demonstrate to stupid teenagers how adults should deal with bad situations. How many mom's on here were okay with their husbands "not doing anything" their entire pregnancy? Yeah, yeah, I know that's different because they knew they were the daddy. Pregnancy is hard, and being a pregnant teenager sounds awful. I'm not saying this guy is the dad, but there is no way to say he isn't and I think he needs to prepare that it could be his. If it is--what kind of relationship does he want with baby mama and baby? Adoption, abortion, keeping the baby and raising/paying child support. He doesn't get to make any decisions until the baby is here, but when it is and IF it is his, wouldn't it be nice if he and baby mama can have a conversation about how they want to proceed? If I was baby mama and the guy ignored me until the paternity test turned up positive--when I hadn't cheated on him and he was sleeping around just as much as I was... I would not be amenable to taking his wishes into consideration. Sign over your "rights" loser, since you obviously can't/won't own up to your responsibilities. *last paragraph is my personal feelings about the idea that son shouldn't do anything until test is positive. Is not in relation to OP friends son since they are in communication wity baby mama*
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Abby Normal
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Post by Abby Normal on Oct 9, 2014 15:44:53 GMT -5
Then you make time for the kid or act like a raging ass, depending on what kind of person you are. Seriously, if you can get everyone on baby mama's side of the fence to be civil when being told the wait and see approach is being taken, I'll be completely amazed. You've seen what she's already posted on Facebook. It's not going to be pretty whatever decision the kid makes. Except for the stupid facebook post (from an emotional, hormonal, pregnant 18 year old) do we have anything saying baby mama's side isn't being civil? Keep communication open. These people could be your in-laws! Demonstrate to stupid teenagers how adults should deal with bad situations. How many mom's on here were okay with their husbands "not doing anything" their entire pregnancy? Yeah, yeah, I know that's different because they knew they were the daddy. Pregnancy is hard, and being a pregnant teenager sounds awful. I'm not saying this guy is the dad, but there is no way to say he isn't and I think he needs to prepare that it could be his. If it is--what kind of relationship does he want with baby mama and baby? Adoption, abortion, keeping the baby and raising/paying child support. He doesn't get to make any decisions until the baby is here, but when it is and IF it is his, wouldn't it be nice if he and baby mama can have a conversation about how they want to proceed? If I was baby mama and the guy ignored me until the paternity test turned up positive--when I hadn't cheated on him and he was sleeping around just as much as I was... I would not be amenable to taking his wishes into consideration. Sign over your "rights" loser, since you obviously can't/won't own up to your responsibilities. Keep in mind she's only 6 weeks along. It's not like there has been a lot to do at this point. There was 13 days between when she told him, and when she asked him to sign his rights away. Mid way between that was the FB post.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Oct 9, 2014 15:46:08 GMT -5
Except for the stupid facebook post (from an emotional, hormonal, pregnant 18 year old) do we have anything saying baby mama's side isn't being civil? Keep communication open. These people could be your in-laws! Demonstrate to stupid teenagers how adults should deal with bad situations. How many mom's on here were okay with their husbands "not doing anything" their entire pregnancy? Yeah, yeah, I know that's different because they knew they were the daddy. Pregnancy is hard, and being a pregnant teenager sounds awful. I'm not saying this guy is the dad, but there is no way to say he isn't and I think he needs to prepare that it could be his. If it is--what kind of relationship does he want with baby mama and baby? Adoption, abortion, keeping the baby and raising/paying child support. He doesn't get to make any decisions until the baby is here, but when it is and IF it is his, wouldn't it be nice if he and baby mama can have a conversation about how they want to proceed? If I was baby mama and the guy ignored me until the paternity test turned up positive--when I hadn't cheated on him and he was sleeping around just as much as I was... I would not be amenable to taking his wishes into consideration. Sign over your "rights" loser, since you obviously can't/won't own up to your responsibilities. Keep in mind she's only 6 weeks along. It's not like there has been a lot to do at this point. There was 13 days between when she told him, and when she asked him to sign his rights away. Mid way between that was the FB post. I was posting mine before I saw your last post and edited mine to include: *last paragraph is my personal feelings about the idea that son shouldn't do anything until test is positive. Is not in relation to OP friends son since they are in communication wity baby mama*
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imawino
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Post by imawino on Oct 9, 2014 15:47:05 GMT -5
Friend and son are trying to be civil and work the problem. They do realize it might be his. Friend said there is no way she's going to encourage him to sign off his rights because she wants contact with her grandchild and he needs to take responsibility IF it's his. Not sure why she won't get the paternity test (in a couple weeks) but son told her he wouldn't sign and that nothing would be decided until he has the pat. results. He said he would pay for the test. That is when she said she wouldn't get one until baby was born. They are hoping to have a meeting with everyone this weekend. If he said he would pay for the test, and it is a simple blood draw, I do find the refusal to do it odd.
But it's good that OP's friend is planning to have a sit down and discuss with the other involved parties. Maybe they can get to the bottom of the reasoning behind not taking the test.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Oct 9, 2014 15:48:44 GMT -5
How many mom's on here were okay with their husbands "not doing anything" their entire pregnancy? Yeah, yeah, I know that's different because they knew they were the daddy.
Exactly. To me that doesn't carry weight because you really shouldn't expect an identical level of emotional support from the equivalent of a one-night stand as you would from a partner who loves you and wants to be with you. Pregnancy is hard, and being a pregnant teenager sounds awful.No dispute there! But this girl made choices (yes - so did the guy and it would serve him right if several of his partners said they were pregnant all at the same time ). To me, saying that she was irresponsible doesn't at all absolve the guy. From what I can tell, these are the facts: 1. She "suspected" she was pregnant one week after she had sex with this guy. 2. There are at least two possible fathers based on the timeline Abby Normal mentioned. 3. She is choosing to continue the pregnancy (and have the baby?). 4. She doesn't want a paternity test done. (Again - I only consider this suspicious if we're talking about a simple blood test and the cost is not prohibitive. If the test costs $2k that neither of them have or it might risk the baby, I'd consider it very reasonable for her to defer that test until Junior was born.) As the guy in that situation, I'd be peeing my pants. If he is the father, then he's completely responsible to share the burden 50/50. And hopefully he would be supportive during her pregnancy. But if he's not the father, he's just an idiot who is hopefully now scared straight. I would not expect him to support her through her pregnancy or pay for anything if he's not the father.
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Abby Normal
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Post by Abby Normal on Oct 9, 2014 15:52:18 GMT -5
Basically- but you forgot to add
They are both stupid They should both be tested for diseases
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Chocolate Lover
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Post by Chocolate Lover on Oct 9, 2014 15:52:30 GMT -5
Then you make time for the kid or act like a raging ass, depending on what kind of person you are. Seriously, if you can get everyone on baby mama's side of the fence to be civil when being told the wait and see approach is being taken, I'll be completely amazed. You've seen what she's already posted on Facebook. It's not going to be pretty whatever decision the kid makes. Except for the stupid facebook post (from an emotional, hormonal, pregnant 18 year old) do we have anything saying baby mama's side isn't being civil? Keep communication open. These people could be your in-laws! Demonstrate to stupid teenagers how adults should deal with bad situations. How many mom's on here were okay with their husbands "not doing anything" their entire pregnancy? Yeah, yeah, I know that's different because they knew they were the daddy. Pregnancy is hard, and being a pregnant teenager sounds awful. I'm not saying this guy is the dad, but there is no way to say he isn't and I think he needs to prepare that it could be his. If it is--what kind of relationship does he want with baby mama and baby? Adoption, abortion, keeping the baby and raising/paying child support. He doesn't get to make any decisions until the baby is here, but when it is and IF it is his, wouldn't it be nice if he and baby mama can have a conversation about how they want to proceed? If I was baby mama and the guy ignored me until the paternity test turned up positive--when I hadn't cheated on him and he was sleeping around just as much as I was... I would not be amenable to taking his wishes into consideration. Sign over your "rights" loser, since you obviously can't/won't own up to your responsibilities. *last paragraph is my personal feelings about the idea that son shouldn't do anything until test is positive. Is not in relation to OP friends son since they are in communication wity baby mama* If you were HIS mama would you be ok with him just taking her word for it and jumping in headfirst to be heartbroken later when it turns out not to be his, also a possibility? No one is saying to be hateful and nasty just cautious.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Oct 9, 2014 15:57:41 GMT -5
If I was baby mama and the guy ignored me until the paternity test turned up positive--when I hadn't cheated on him and he was sleeping around just as much as I was... I would not be amenable to taking his wishes into consideration. Sign over your "rights" loser, since you obviously can't/won't own up to your responsibilities.
Keep in mind that would probably be a win for this guy.
He doesn't sound like any prize but I can't fault him for not holding her hand through the initial ultrasound when from his perspective he probably feels totally blindsided.
1. He doesn't know that he is the father, I'd say there's a good chance that he's not.
2. He doesn't know the girl all that well, it's not like they were boyfriend/girlfriend.
3. They were both sleeping around, which doesn't suggest to me that either was looking for a serious relationship or certainly children at this point in their lives, yet...
4. If it IS his child, she can keep it for herself and rook him into child support for the next 18 years and he can't do a damn thing about it. Unless the laws have changed and you can no longer financially force someone to pay child support.
For me, this all adds up to really good reasons why guys need to be very, very, VERY careful about who they sleep with but it is a fact that the current system is set up so that two people have 50/50 responsibility for a child when one person had 100% choice and the other person had 0% about whether they wanted to be a parent to said child.
In certain situations, that totally sucks for the guy.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Oct 9, 2014 16:00:28 GMT -5
How many mom's on here were okay with their husbands "not doing anything" their entire pregnancy? Yeah, yeah, I know that's different because they knew they were the daddy.
Exactly. To me that doesn't carry weight because you really shouldn't expect an identical level of emotional support from the equivalent of a one-night stand as you would from a partner who loves you and wants to be with you. Pregnancy is hard, and being a pregnant teenager sounds awful.No dispute there! But this girl made choices (yes - so did the guy and it would serve him right if several of his partners said they were pregnant all at the same time ). To me, saying that she was irresponsible doesn't at all absolve the guy. From what I can tell, these are the facts: 1. She "suspected" she was pregnant one week after she had sex with this guy. 2. There are at least two possible fathers based on the timeline Abby Normal mentioned. 3. She is choosing to continue the pregnancy (and have the baby?). 4. She doesn't want a paternity test done. (Again - I only consider this suspicious if we're talking about a simple blood test and the cost is not prohibitive. If the test costs $2k that neither of them have or it might risk the baby, I'd consider it very reasonable for her to defer that test until Junior was born.) As the guy in that situation, I'd be peeing my pants. If he is the father, then he's completely responsible to share the burden 50/50. And hopefully he would be supportive during her pregnancy. But if he's not the father, he's just an idiot who is hopefully now scared straight. I would not expect him to support her through her pregnancy or pay for anything if he's not the father. I'm not suggesting he financially support her through pregnancy, but he shouldn't bow out for 7 months, only to show up with a paternity test and then expect to be able to pick up as a concerned, caring, involved father if it is his. If I was baby mama, that would not fly. It doesn't have to be full financial support to be cordial and respectful. Ask how she is, offer to drive to appointments, etc. If the paternity test is affordable, won't harm baby, and is 99% effective as Archie stated, then its a no-brainer to do it as soon as they can. I just wonder if the reason she said no to the paternity test is because she has her mom telling her to calm down and slow down. At 6 weeks, has she even been to an OB? It sounds like the OP's friend is handling it well and helping guide her son.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Oct 9, 2014 16:04:52 GMT -5
I'm not suggesting he financially support her through pregnancy, but he shouldn't bow out for 7 months, only to show up with a paternity test and then expect to be able to pick up as a concerned, caring, involved father if it is his. If I was baby mama, that would not fly.
Even if you refused to have a paternity test done before then without good reason?
Why would she say no to a paternity test that doesn't risk the health of the baby and costs her $0 (since he would pay)? I don't think she has any right to complain that he's not "manning up" in this situation when she hasn't even given him a good faith belief that it's his kid.
If I were this girl and I wanted him involved (financially OR emotionally) during this pregnancy, I'd consider it in my best interest to make sure he was the father as soon as possible. If he's not, he really has no more responsibility to me than anyone else - and certainly much less than, for example, the real father.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Oct 9, 2014 16:05:41 GMT -5
Except for the stupid facebook post (from an emotional, hormonal, pregnant 18 year old) do we have anything saying baby mama's side isn't being civil? Keep communication open. These people could be your in-laws! Demonstrate to stupid teenagers how adults should deal with bad situations. How many mom's on here were okay with their husbands "not doing anything" their entire pregnancy? Yeah, yeah, I know that's different because they knew they were the daddy. Pregnancy is hard, and being a pregnant teenager sounds awful. I'm not saying this guy is the dad, but there is no way to say he isn't and I think he needs to prepare that it could be his. If it is--what kind of relationship does he want with baby mama and baby? Adoption, abortion, keeping the baby and raising/paying child support. He doesn't get to make any decisions until the baby is here, but when it is and IF it is his, wouldn't it be nice if he and baby mama can have a conversation about how they want to proceed? If I was baby mama and the guy ignored me until the paternity test turned up positive--when I hadn't cheated on him and he was sleeping around just as much as I was... I would not be amenable to taking his wishes into consideration. Sign over your "rights" loser, since you obviously can't/won't own up to your responsibilities. *last paragraph is my personal feelings about the idea that son shouldn't do anything until test is positive. Is not in relation to OP friends son since they are in communication wity baby mama* If you were HIS mama would you be ok with him just taking her word for it and jumping in headfirst to be heartbroken later when it turns out not to be his, also a possibility? No one is saying to be hateful and nasty just cautious. Not at all, and I have continued to say be cautious, get the test, etc. Firebird did say he shouldn't "do" anything until the test shows its his. I'm saying there are consequences to that choice and it wouldn't be the one I would be advocating for my son. I'd be telling him to pray like hell it isn't his but to get his ducks in a row in case it is in which in this case includes establishing a relationship with the baby mama. (I don't mean a romantic relationship--I mean get to know her, keep communication open, etc).
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Oct 9, 2014 16:11:04 GMT -5
I'd be telling him to pray like hell it isn't his but to get his ducks in a row in case it is in which in this case includes establishing a relationship with the baby mama. (I don't mean a romantic relationship--I mean get to know her, keep communication open, etc).
I think there's merit to what you're saying. And of course, there's nothing wrong with being kind and friendly to someone who may end up being the mother of your child. I'm not saying he shouldn't return her calls or berate her for being "such an idiot" or anything like that.
But on the other hand, I'm not even sure about taking her to appointments and whatnot if he's not sure he's the father. As you've pointed out, pregnancy is an emotional and hormonal roller coaster in the best of times. Most women *really, really, really* need a supportive partner during that time. If he cares about her and wants to be her boyfriend and is prepared to be a daddy to this kid no matter what, that's one thing. That's not the sense I get from these posts, though, and he ought to be very, very, very careful about stepping into the "supportive partner" role if he's not sure that's where he belongs and it's not where he wants to be.
So I reiterate - if this were my daughter, I'd be encouraging her to get that paternity test ASAP so she could make sure that she was happy or angry with the right guy for manning up or not manning up.
IMO it's simply not fair to put this burden of "you should act like my baby daddy when I'm not sure you are and refuse to confirm" on anyone.
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Abby Normal
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Post by Abby Normal on Oct 9, 2014 16:12:29 GMT -5
She says she has been to the Dr and Dr told her she was ovulating the week that they had sex. No ultrasound though.
He only mentioned getting a paternity test after she asked him to sign his rights off. I told my friend she should tell him not to sign anything until they have a pat test. Son told girl that he wouldn't make that determination (sign off) until he knew for sure it was his and offered to pay for the test. That is when she told him that she wouldn't do a pat test until after the baby was born.
Meanwhile, friend and son had the monetary discussion last night about needing to save in case it is his.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Oct 9, 2014 16:13:52 GMT -5
I'm not suggesting he financially support her through pregnancy, but he shouldn't bow out for 7 months, only to show up with a paternity test and then expect to be able to pick up as a concerned, caring, involved father if it is his. If I was baby mama, that would not fly.
Even if you refused to have a paternity test done before then without good reason? Why would she say no to a paternity test that doesn't risk the health of the baby and costs her $0 (since he would pay)? I don't think she has any right to complain that he's not "manning up" in this situation when she hasn't even given him a good faith belief that it's his kid. If I were this girl and I wanted him involved (financially OR emotionally) during this pregnancy, I'd consider it in my best interest to make sure he was the father as soon as possible. If he's not, he really has no more responsibility to me than anyone else - and certainly much less than, for example, the real father. I'm not sure why she would say no to this, and I don't think any of us know why she did and I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt still. If I heard it from a doctor that all those things were true, and I were paying for it and she still refused in the 8-12 week mark then I would be very confused, but it doesn't change the end result if in 7 months that paternity test shows its his--he's going to have to deal with this woman for a long time and I'd want to make that as easy as possible. As his mom, I'd want to stress to him the fact that its her body, her choice and while it isn't fair this is a consequence of his actions and he needs to prepare for "the worst." If in 7 months that paternity test comes back negative then he counts himself lucky, wishes baby mama the best of luck and goes on with his life. I probably wouldn't pay for any medical treatment until we had a test but I like your idea of having him set that money aside--and he could stay involved by asking her how much her costs were throughout the process so he knows how much he needs to pay after the paternity test comes back positive.
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Chocolate Lover
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Post by Chocolate Lover on Oct 9, 2014 16:14:33 GMT -5
If you were HIS mama would you be ok with him just taking her word for it and jumping in headfirst to be heartbroken later when it turns out not to be his, also a possibility? No one is saying to be hateful and nasty just cautious. Not at all, and I have continued to say be cautious, get the test, etc. Firebird did say he shouldn't "do" anything until the test shows its his. I'm saying there are consequences to that choice and it wouldn't be the one I would be advocating for my son. I'd be telling him to pray like hell it isn't his but to get his ducks in a row in case it is in which in this case includes establishing a relationship with the baby mama. (I don't mean a romantic relationship--I mean get to know her, keep communication open, etc). Guys have feelings too and advocating for him to be as involved as you want him to be sets him up for huge heartbreak once he's gone through all this with her if it's not his. It's not going to be easy to stay totally detached and not start to care. As a mother of a teenage boy, I'd want him to stay on the edges until it was proven. As the mother of a pretty much teenage girl, I'd want her to keep him on the outside to keep drama to a minimum IF it's not his.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Oct 9, 2014 16:17:27 GMT -5
I'd be telling him to pray like hell it isn't his but to get his ducks in a row in case it is in which in this case includes establishing a relationship with the baby mama. (I don't mean a romantic relationship--I mean get to know her, keep communication open, etc).
I think there's merit to what you're saying. And of course, there's nothing wrong with being kind and friendly to someone who may end up being the mother of your child. I'm not saying he shouldn't return her calls or berate her for being "such an idiot" or anything like that. But on the other hand, I'm not even sure about taking her to appointments and whatnot if he's not sure he's the father. As you've pointed out, pregnancy is an emotional and hormonal roller coaster in the best of times. Most women *really, really, really* need a supportive partner during that time. If he cares about her and wants to be her boyfriend and is prepared to be a daddy to this kid no matter what, that's one thing. That's not the sense I get from these posts, though, and he ought to be very, very, very careful about stepping into the "supportive partner" role if he's not sure that's where he belongs and it's not where he wants to be. So I reiterate - if this were my daughter, I'd be encouraging her to get that paternity test ASAP so she could make sure that she was happy or angry with the right guy for manning up or not manning up. IMO it's simply not fair to put this burden of "you should act like my baby daddy when I'm not sure you are and refuse to confirm" on anyone. I'm not trying to advocate that he step into the role of supportive partner but I may not be communicating that well. Anyone I've ever slept with, I would gladly give them a ride to a doctors appointment and give them as much emotional support as I could. I know these are dumb kids, but I don't think that's asking too much.
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on Oct 9, 2014 16:18:59 GMT -5
She says she has been to the Dr and Dr told her she was ovulating the week that they had sex. This is hogwash. You can't tell when a woman has ovulated. You can GUESS based on how long periods are but each woman has a different luteal phase length. I'm calling it now. Fake baby.
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billisonboard
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Post by billisonboard on Oct 9, 2014 16:19:35 GMT -5
Okay, this is what I thought of when I say the thread title. To pee or not to pee, that is the question.
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Pants
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Post by Pants on Oct 9, 2014 16:20:11 GMT -5
She says she has been to the Dr and Dr told her she was ovulating the week that they had sex. No ultrasound though. He only mentioned getting a paternity test after she asked him to sign his rights off. I told my friend she should tell him not to sign anything until they have a pat test. Son told girl that he wouldn't make that determination (sign off) until he knew for sure it was his and offered to pay for the test. That is when she told him that she wouldn't do a pat test until after the baby was born. Meanwhile, friend and son had the monetary discussion last night about needing to save in case it is his. Is it possible, that like Firebird, she assumes paternity test means amniocentisis? (Dangers of which are overstated, btw, but there you are.)
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Chocolate Lover
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Post by Chocolate Lover on Oct 9, 2014 16:20:32 GMT -5
I'd be telling him to pray like hell it isn't his but to get his ducks in a row in case it is in which in this case includes establishing a relationship with the baby mama. (I don't mean a romantic relationship--I mean get to know her, keep communication open, etc).
I think there's merit to what you're saying. And of course, there's nothing wrong with being kind and friendly to someone who may end up being the mother of your child. I'm not saying he shouldn't return her calls or berate her for being "such an idiot" or anything like that. But on the other hand, I'm not even sure about taking her to appointments and whatnot if he's not sure he's the father. As you've pointed out, pregnancy is an emotional and hormonal roller coaster in the best of times. Most women *really, really, really* need a supportive partner during that time. If he cares about her and wants to be her boyfriend and is prepared to be a daddy to this kid no matter what, that's one thing. That's not the sense I get from these posts, though, and he ought to be very, very, very careful about stepping into the "supportive partner" role if he's not sure that's where he belongs and it's not where he wants to be. So I reiterate - if this were my daughter, I'd be encouraging her to get that paternity test ASAP so she could make sure that she was happy or angry with the right guy for manning up or not manning up. IMO it's simply not fair to put this burden of "you should act like my baby daddy when I'm not sure you are and refuse to confirm" on anyone. I'm not trying to advocate that he step into the role of supportive partner but I may not be communicating that well. Anyone I've ever slept with, I would gladly give them a ride to a doctors appointment and give them as much emotional support as I could. I know these are dumb kids, but I don't think that's asking too much. You would? For any and all people you've slept with? Even any one night stands? You're a better person than me.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Oct 9, 2014 16:20:40 GMT -5
He only mentioned getting a paternity test after she asked him to sign his rights off. I told my friend she should tell him not to sign anything until they have a pat test.
This is really weird to me too. Why would she want him signing his rights away automatically? Is she planning to put the baby up for adoption? Otherwise, why would she want to cut the father out right from the get go?
If I got pregnant from a one night stand, I certainly wouldn't ASSUME he wanted to be a father or contribute - but I wouldn't assume that he would run for the hills either. If I wanted to keep the baby, I would certainly not turn down child support.
Of course, this is why I never had one night stands. I don't understand how people deal with this level of uncertainty when it comes to potential parenting partners. It makes my brain break.
Guys have feelings too and advocating for him to be as involved as you want him to be sets him up for huge heartbreak once he's gone through all this with her if it's not his. It's not going to be easy to stay totally detached and not start to care.
EXACTLY! That's basically what I was trying to get at with my last post, but you said it better.
If he doesn't want to be involved as the father, he shouldn't be playing like he's the father when he's not sure he IS the father. Geez, that's convoluted. But hopefully clear enough in context.
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Pants
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Post by Pants on Oct 9, 2014 16:21:10 GMT -5
She says she has been to the Dr and Dr told her she was ovulating the week that they had sex. This is hogwash. You can't tell when a woman has ovulated. You can GUESS based on how long periods are but each woman has a different luteal phase length. I'm calling it now. Fake baby. Umm, if you have an embryo that you can date, you can absolutely tell when a woman ovulated. Because embryo.
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on Oct 9, 2014 16:21:41 GMT -5
This is hogwash. You can't tell when a woman has ovulated. You can GUESS based on how long periods are but each woman has a different luteal phase length. I'm calling it now. Fake baby. Umm, if you have an embryo that you can date, you can absolutely tell when a woman ovulated. Because embryo. It says no ultrasound. Can't date what's not there.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Oct 9, 2014 16:22:14 GMT -5
Not at all, and I have continued to say be cautious, get the test, etc. Firebird did say he shouldn't "do" anything until the test shows its his. I'm saying there are consequences to that choice and it wouldn't be the one I would be advocating for my son. I'd be telling him to pray like hell it isn't his but to get his ducks in a row in case it is in which in this case includes establishing a relationship with the baby mama. (I don't mean a romantic relationship--I mean get to know her, keep communication open, etc). Guys have feelings too and advocating for him to be as involved as you want him to be sets him up for huge heartbreak once he's gone through all this with her if it's not his. It's not going to be easy to stay totally detached and not start to care. As a mother of a teenage boy, I'd want him to stay on the edges until it was proven. As the mother of a pretty much teenage girl, I'd want her to keep him on the outside to keep drama to a minimum IF it's not his. As the mom of a someday teenage girl I'd be trying to get the guy to sign away his rights.
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Pants
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Post by Pants on Oct 9, 2014 16:23:38 GMT -5
Umm, if you have an embryo that you can date, you can absolutely tell when a woman ovulated. Because embryo. It says no ultrasound. Can't date what's not there. They can also come pretty close based on HCG levels rising.
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Chocolate Lover
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Post by Chocolate Lover on Oct 9, 2014 16:25:26 GMT -5
Funny, I've been thinking you're saying what I'm trying to say better for the last couple of pages I'm not encouraging signing away child support for my teenage kid. I want her to move out eventually.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Oct 9, 2014 16:30:21 GMT -5
I like your idea of having him set that money aside--and he could stay involved by asking her how much her costs were throughout the process so he knows how much he needs to pay after the paternity test comes back positive.I do too (she says modestly ), and I think that would be a good way to stay involved peripherally until paternity was confirmed while simultaneously maintaining appropriate emotional boundaries. Anyone I've ever slept with, I would gladly give them a ride to a doctors appointment and give them as much emotional support as I could.
Giving a ride as in giving a ride, or giving a ride as in going into the appointment with them and looking at the little bean on the ultrasound and being right there when Team Pink or Blue is announced? Emotional support to me implies the latter. I could see giving her a ride to appointments if that's really all it is, but if this was my son I'd tell him to be really, really careful about going into appointments with her when he's not sure it's his child and he doesn't want to be a father. Babybird's 20 week appointment was really emotional for me. Finding out we were having a girl, seeing her up close on those huge screens, the relief that all her limbs and organs were in the right place and so on... it was a huge moment and it felt very intimate and it would have been VERY weird to share it with anyone other than DH. That was our baby up there. I can't imagine sharing it with a guy I'd slept with when neither of us knew if he was the father. Even if his intention was only to emotionally support me, it would be hard for emotional pregnant me NOT to connect him with the baby after that. I'm just saying that giving her "emotional support" has risks too. Unless he's the father, in which I say full steam ahead with the bonding thing.
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