what do you consider cheating in a relationship?

[beergut]

 Just like there are people who don't consider what Monica Lewinsky did with Clinton to be sex (because BJs are foreplay), people differ on what constitutes cheating in a relationship.

 Is hugging cheating? Kissing? Does the type of kiss matter? Peck on the cheek or tongue involved? Or does it all depend on intent, whether it is just friendly or a romantic?

 A friend said that if it is something you did with someone else that you wouldn't tell your SO about, it is cheating. I think this definition is too broad, but I think he is on the right track. Dishonesty, by admission or omission, is a part of it.

I've always thought when the clothes come off and sex happens is when cheating begins, but some people have much more broader definitions.

How do you define cheating in a relationship?

 

[Shooby]

A bj is not cheating?

[ZaireinHD]

BJ is definite cheating

I've always thought when the clothes come off and sex happens is when cheating begins

but also when man part is up and come out and female part is exposed
cheating begins

[quince]

Sexual activity involving someone other than me that I have not given permission for.  

We defined cheating early in our relationship. In our case, this includes kissing that involves fluids exchanged, anything involving genitals, phone or cyber sex, masturbating in the same room even without contact. I am OK with strip clubs, including lap dances, and good with porn.

Honestly, if either of us were doing this sort of thing and somehow it never came up in discussion, there'd be something wrong with our relationship.

[ArchietheDragon]

Aug 15, 2014 16:42:08 GMT -5 quince said:

Sexual activity involving someone other than me that I have not given permission for.  

We defined cheating early in our relationship. In our case, this includes kissing that involves fluids exchanged, anything involving genitals, phone or cyber sex, masturbating in the same room even without contact. I am OK with strip clubs, including lap dances, and good with porn.

Honestly, if either of us were doing this sort of thing and somehow it never came up in discussion, there'd be something wrong with our relationship.

anything with genitals...   what if the doc has to check him for a hernia?

[quince]

Aug 15, 2014 16:44:23 GMT -5 ArchietheDragon said:

Aug 15, 2014 16:42:08 GMT -5 quince said:

Sexual activity involving someone other than me that I have not given permission for.  

We defined cheating early in our relationship. In our case, this includes kissing that involves fluids exchanged, anything involving genitals, phone or cyber sex, masturbating in the same room even without contact. I am OK with strip clubs, including lap dances, and good with porn.

Honestly, if either of us were doing this sort of thing and somehow it never came up in discussion, there'd be something wrong with our relationship.

anything with genitals...   what if the doc has to check him for a hernia?

I would totally give permission for a doc to check him for a hernia. 

[Tennesseer]

Any verbal or physical contact outside of platonic friendship.

[simser]

I have dealt with this way too much. Basically I agree with the "would I tell my partner about this" definition. Or more broadly "do I want to hide this from my partner" (I may not tell my boyfriend I saw a friend that I used to date, but if it came up, no biggie).

I am in one of my best friends phone as Jeff F when I'm a girl and my last name starts with D. He doesn't want his gf to know how close we are. Even though we aren't doing anything (well. Anymore. For at least 2 weeks) I think it's cheating on his part. But I'm trying to not cross a boundary. Although he tried the BJ thing with me while he was dating her, so there is the traditional definition in there too.

[Blonde Granny]

This is an interesting topic! I ask that you all remember the PG13 guidelines and don't let this get too carried away or too graphic.

Thanks

BG- YM & YMOT Administrator

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

A friend said that if it is something you did with someone else that you wouldn't tell your SO about, it is cheating. I think this definition is too broad, but I think he is on the right track. Dishonesty, by admission or omission, is a part of it.

I've always thought when the clothes come off and sex happens is when cheating begins, but some people have much more broader definitions.

How do you define cheating in a relationship?

It doesn't necessarily have to be physical cheating - there's also Emotional Cheating (or Infidelity).

[Deleted]

Any romantic contact at all. Kissing on the lips, touching or seeing any private parts, sex talk...all cheating. On the other hand I don't buy into the emotional affair thing. It is  okay to have close friends of the opposite sex that you spend time with and tell personal things to.

[Peace Of Mind]

Sex talk is cheating?  Holy cow!  I've cheated with almost all of you here!  But DH approves of this message and I show him the good ones. 

And I think Bill and Monica were cheating. 

[sarcasticgirl]

Aug 15, 2014 17:15:09 GMT -5 laterbloomer said:

Any romantic contact at all. Kissing on the lips, touching or seeing any private parts, sex talk...all cheating. On the other hand I don't buy into the emotional affair thing. It is  okay to have close friends of the opposite sex that you spend time with and tell personal things to.

What about having a person that you essentially "fall in love with" yet don't have sexual relations? To me, that is an emotional affair and I would take serious issue with it.

Sent from my Nexus 4 using proboards

[Deleted]

Aug 15, 2014 17:19:09 GMT -5 Peace Of Mind said:

Sex talk is cheating?  Holy cow!  I've cheated with almost all of you here!  But DH approves of this message and I show him the good ones. 

And I think Bill and Monica were cheating. 

You're definition of sex talk must be stricter than mine. I've never seen you get graphic or say you wanted to perform certain acts on individuals here.

[Deleted]

Aug 15, 2014 17:24:44 GMT -5 sarcasticgirl said:

Aug 15, 2014 17:15:09 GMT -5 laterbloomer said:

Any romantic contact at all. Kissing on the lips, touching or seeing any private parts, sex talk...all cheating. On the other hand I don't buy into the emotional affair thing. It is  okay to have close friends of the opposite sex that you spend time with and tell personal things to.

What about having a person that you essentially "fall in love with" yet don't have sexual relations? To me, that is an emotional affair and I would take serious issue with it.

Sent from my Nexus 4 using proboards

I wouldn't be thrilled if my partner was in love with someone else, but if they don't act on it I can't accuse them of cheating. I'd have to give them credit for honoring their commitment to me.

[geenamercile]

When something is outside of the agreed upon limitations of the relationship.  

[The Captain]

This...

Any verbal or physical contact outside of platonic friendship.

and this...

What about having a person that you essentially "fall in love with" yet don't have sexual relations? To me, that is an emotional affair and I would take serious issue with it.

are interesting to me.  I have a dear, dear friend from my college days whom I care deeply about.  However nothing ever has, or ever will happen.  I am 100% committed to my husband and our relationship.

DH is aware of my feelings and is ok because he knows my commitment and feelings for him take priority.  Now the truth is the friend and I live hundreds of miles apart so we see each other rarely.  

Is that cheating?  Meh, I'm already dammed to hell for so many reasons - I'll just add this to the list.  

[The Captain]

So...

What do you consider cheating in a relationship?

Anything that would cause the other party in your relationship pain if they were to find out.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Definetly penetration of any kind.   I would consider oral sex cheating as well as mutual masturbation.

Other than that I'll be honest, I don't know, it'd depend on the circumstances.    I'm okay with a lot of stuff that other women would not be, like porn, but then I consider DH to have pretty healthy boundaries when it comes to that stuff.    If he didn't then we'd start to have a problem.

I'm also perfectly fine with strip clubs, I'm not going to stop him from going to one for a bachelor party.   But if he started spending all his time and money there, we'd have a problem.

Not sure where we fall on the "sex talk" thing.   We're pretty open about the fact we're human and find other people attractive.   We don't spend hours discussing in detail what we'd do with said person, but I know DH isn't blind and he knows I'm not either.  

[sarcasticgirl]

Aug 15, 2014 17:38:30 GMT -5 The Captain said:

This...

Any verbal or physical contact outside of platonic friendship.

and this...

What about having a person that you essentially "fall in love with" yet don't have sexual relations? To me, that is an emotional affair and I would take serious issue with it.

are interesting to me.  I have a dear, dear friend from my college days whom I care deeply about.  However nothing ever has, or ever will happen.  I am 100% committed to my husband and our relationship.

DH is aware of my feelings and is ok because he knows my commitment and feelings for him take priority.  Now the truth is the friend and I live hundreds of miles apart so we see each other rarely.  

Is that cheating?  Meh, I'm already dammed to hell for so many reasons - I'll just add this to the list.  

Oh, I have one too, from HS. He lives halfway across the country and I only see him a couple of times a year and I love him... But I am not romantically in love with him, I don't have the emotions for him that come with falling in love with someone.

I think those are very different things.

Sent from my Nexus 4 using proboards

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

It is okay to have close friends of the opposite sex that you spend time with and tell personal things to.

That's not at all what I meant by emotional cheating/infidelity. I also had mostly male co-workers who were  very close friends . If I'd had more romantic or physical thoughts about them than friendship, that would have been emotional infidelity toward my husband.  If I'd taken even further, that would have been outright cheating/infidelity.


I think sarcasticgirl brought up a good example :

What about having a person that you essentially "fall in love with" yet don't have sexual relations? To me, that is an emotional affair and I would take serious issue with it.

[sarcasticgirl]

Aug 15, 2014 17:28:14 GMT -5 laterbloomer said:

Aug 15, 2014 17:24:44 GMT -5 sarcasticgirl said:

What about having a person that you essentially "fall in love with" yet don't have sexual relations? To me, that is an emotional affair and I would take serious issue with it.

Sent from my Nexus 4 using proboards

I wouldn't be thrilled if my partner was in love with someone else, but if they don't act on it I can't accuse them of cheating. I'd have to give them credit for honoring their commitment to me.

I don't give out gold stars for having the ability to keep it in your pants. Lol

Sent from my Nexus 4 using proboards

[Tennesseer]

Aug 15, 2014 17:38:30 GMT -5 The Captain said:

This...

Any verbal or physical contact outside of platonic friendship.

and this...

What about having a person that you essentially "fall in love with" yet don't have sexual relations? To me, that is an emotional affair and I would take serious issue with it.

are interesting to me.  I have a dear, dear friend from my college days whom I care deeply about.  However nothing ever has, or ever will happen.  I am 100% committed to my husband and our relationship.

DH is aware of my feelings and is ok because he knows my commitment and feelings for him take priority.  Now the truth is the friend and I live hundreds of miles apart so we see each other rarely.  

Is that cheating?  Meh, I'm already dammed to hell for so many reasons - I'll just add this to the list.  

I do not see ìt as cheating at all.  Simply a deep, platonic friendship which many people may envy.

[mmhmm]

Aug 15, 2014 17:38:30 GMT -5 The Captain said:

This...

Any verbal or physical contact outside of platonic friendship.

and this...

What about having a person that you essentially "fall in love with" yet don't have sexual relations? To me, that is an emotional affair and I would take serious issue with it.

are interesting to me.  I have a dear, dear friend from my college days whom I care deeply about.  However nothing ever has, or ever will happen.  I am 100% committed to my husband and our relationship.

DH is aware of my feelings and is ok because he knows my commitment and feelings for him take priority.  Now the truth is the friend and I live hundreds of miles apart so we see each other rarely.  

Is that cheating?  Meh, I'm already dammed to hell for so many reasons - I'll just add this to the list.  

I had a dear friend with whom my relationship was much the same. We lived near one another in Saudi Arabia. My friend and my husband had gone to college together. My friend's wife was my secretary. We ran into one another shopping one day and my husband recognized hers from their college days. It started a friendship that only grew over the years. My friend died 10 years ago; yet, in many ways he was my soul-mate. We just understood one another in a very special way. The friendships extended to spouses in both cases and I still keep in touch with his wife. I consider her a dear friend, as well; however, her husband was very, very special to me. Nothing romantic about it. It was always strictly platonic and came from mutual understanding and respect.

[Deleted]

Aug 15, 2014 17:38:30 GMT -5 The Captain said:

This...

Any verbal or physical contact outside of platonic friendship.

and this...

What about having a person that you essentially "fall in love with" yet don't have sexual relations? To me, that is an emotional affair and I would take serious issue with it.

are interesting to me.  I have a dear, dear friend from my college days whom I care deeply about.  However nothing ever has, or ever will happen.  I am 100% committed to my husband and our relationship.

DH is aware of my feelings and is ok because he knows my commitment and feelings for him take priority.  Now the truth is the friend and I live hundreds of miles apart so we see each other rarely.  

Is that cheating?  Meh, I'm already dammed to hell for so many reasons - I'll just add this to the list.  

I had/(have?) a friend like this, but my husband hated it and I cut off most contact with him (even though we work together.  Now that I'm divorced we email back and forth more, but he remarried last year and his wife isn't keen on us hanging out either, so I doubt we'll start hiking again any time soon. 

I seriously have zero physical attraction to this guy, he's not "bad" looking, but I just have no feelings for him in that way at all. 

[beergut]

 I wasn't saying a BJ is not cheating.

 I was simply using how people defined a BJ as not sex during the whole Clinton-Lewinsky scandal as an example of people defining terms differently.

 If you have issues with your SO watching porn, you may have some serious insecurities.

 Strip clubs/bachelor parties simply come down to a trust issue.

 I don't think a hug or a kiss are cheating. The 'exchanging bodily fluids' guideline is a good one.

 I also think understandings of these barriers may depend on how you define love.

 I define love as the enjoyment people bring into my life. The more quality and enjoyment they bring into my life, the greater the depth of my love for them. For this reason, I have no problem telling friends, female or male, that I love them.

 I also think the definition of cheating by some on here may differ based on your own experience having a close relationship with someone of the opposite sex that was not a romantic one.

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

If you have issues with your SO watching porn, you may have some serious insecurities.

Strip clubs/bachelor parties simply come down to a trust issue.

If you or your spouse/partner have issues with the other person watching porn, or visiting strip clubs, and their issue of the other person doing it are made known, and the other person still continues to indulge in those activities, is that not at least emotional cheating or infidelity toward their partner?

[beergut]

Aug 15, 2014 18:39:48 GMT -5 ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ said:

If you have issues with your SO watching porn, you may have some serious insecurities.

Strip clubs/bachelor parties simply come down to a trust issue.

If you or your spouse/partner have issues with the other person watching porn, or visiting strip clubs, and their issue of the other person doing it are made known, and the other person still continues to indulge in those activities, is that not at least emotional cheating or infidelity toward their partner?

 Why would you have issues with someone watching porn?

 Seriously, by defintion, it is bad acting with people getting sweaty and having sex on visual media. I may have a different view on it, because my GF and I watched part of a porno once while flipping through cable, and I spent the whole time critiquing the actors. Porn does nothing for me, which is why I see it as mostly harmless.

Now, if you have issues with it (maybe you think your SO is addicted to porn?), and they continue to watch it against your express wishes, that is different.

I don't view that or going to strip clubs against the other's wishes as 'emotional cheating', I view it as being an insensitive jackass.

You don't have the right to control someone else's behavior, but you do have the right to let them know how that behavior makes you feel. How they act going forward reflects on them, but it doesn't necessarily equal cheating.

[nutty]

You can absolutely have a platonic friend that if your marriage starts to go balls up and you turn for comfort from said platonic friend.

Edited to add: a person can absolutely have a platonic work friend that loses weight and then your marriage goes balls up and this person becomes more than a "platonic work friend who he has know for years" oooppps not my story at all, can you tell.

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

Why would you have issues with someone watching porn?

Where did I say that I would have issues with someone watching it? BUT there are lots of people who do - and they're not always female.

You think men are the only ones who watch it? There are men out there who are against it - if their wife/partner always watched after he'd made his feelings known, it's no different than what I peviously posted - except the tables are reversed.

You don't have the right to control someone else's behavior, but you do have the right to let them know how that behavior makes you feel. How they act going forward reflects on them, but it doesn't necessarily equal cheating.

You may not consider it emotional cheating if they continue watching or visiting clubs - lets put a different title on it - how about "Disrespect" for the other person by continuing?

There's not much difference.