tloonya
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Post by tloonya on Aug 22, 2014 12:05:11 GMT -5
I have a friend who's bones I would jump anytime if we weren't married both to other people. But I am not jumping. So is it cheating? I'm just touched to hear that you consider us friends. Whatever but is it? Cheating? And don't think I didn't notice you told nutty she can have you. Or you can have her...WTF Archie!
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Aug 22, 2014 12:11:07 GMT -5
He's better than he used to be but he has his moments. I feel at this point he's actively choosing to hang onto ancient history.
Are you serious? I know high school romances can be intense but... REALLY?!? He's still hung up on a girl who cheated on him 20+ years ago when they were practically children and romantic drama (no offense ) is par for the course?
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hoops902
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Post by hoops902 on Aug 22, 2014 12:19:43 GMT -5
He's better than he used to be but he has his moments. I feel at this point he's actively choosing to hang onto ancient history.
Are you serious? I know high school romances can be intense but... REALLY?!? He's still hung up on a girl who cheated on him 20+ years ago when they were practically children and romantic drama (no offense ) is par for the course? Most adults are largely who they are because of how they were raised and the interactions they were around at that time, and that happened LONG before "HS sweetheart" stage. I think it makes sense that his early romantic relationships largely shape who he is today in terms of relationships. I mean we talk about women who perpetually find themselves with jerks because dad was a jerk to mom. Or guys who are emotionally closed off because dad told them only women show their emotions. Frankly, I think it makes more sense this relationship 20 years ago directs his thinking than one which happened 5 years ago after he would have already been through that relationship "learning period". That's no excuse for openly displaying his jealousy, just like there's no excuse for anyone else to continue behaving badly just because they learned that behavior early on. It may not be that he is "hung up" on her, his education in the topic taught him that women cheat. No different than the woman in abusive relationships who can intelligently state that nobody deserves to be abused, but still has that voice in her head that says "I must have done something to deserve it". They aren't actively deciding to think that, they just do.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Aug 22, 2014 12:43:59 GMT -5
Most adults are largely who they are because of how they were raised and the interactions they were around at that time, and that happened LONG before "HS sweetheart" stage. I think it makes sense that his early romantic relationships largely shape who he is today in terms of relationships.
Fair point.
If that's the case, then I feel like he needs therapy to deal with it at this point though.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Aug 22, 2014 12:52:48 GMT -5
I know high school romances can be intense but... REALLY?!?
They'd been together for a long time and he actually proposed to her. He had arranged things so he could graduate early with her class instead of his and then the day of the ceremony is when he found out.
I get he was burned and burned extremely badly. I'm not going to dismiss it just because it happened in high school. But at the same time I wasn't going to be expected to do penance for a crime I never committed so we had many talks before I agreed to walk down the aisle.
It's not like he has a fit if I notice an attractive male jogger, but we did find we cannot work together because he is incapable of keeping personal hang-ups out of interactions on my part with male co-workers/customers.
Better he has his job and I have my job and neither the two shall meet.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Aug 22, 2014 13:04:00 GMT -5
It's not like he has a fit if I notice an attractive male jogger, but we did find we cannot work together because he is incapable of keeping personal hang-ups out of interactions on my part with male co-workers/customers.
I couldn't work with DH for a variety of reasons I didn't mean to sound dismissive; I got my guts handed to me by a high school relationship. It just seems like an awfully long time to hold a "grudge" against females (for lack of a better word).
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Aug 22, 2014 13:07:59 GMT -5
Yeah, it is. For lack of a better term she is the "one who got away" so that relationship made a much bigger impact than any of the others before or after it. It colored his perspective quite a bit till I came along. I just remind him that the path he ended up on eventually lead to myself, Gwen and soon Abigail so while it sucked then maybe it was destiny letting him know there was something better on the horizon. Ugh, typing that made me gag. I should get that put into a hallmark card.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Aug 22, 2014 13:29:51 GMT -5
And just to clarify, I did just ask my husband what he thought my intentions were (we're driving across WI at the moment) and he said "you said she had a nice butt and told me to look... Just like you tell me someone has a dress you like and to look. You weren't telling me to oggle her." Sent from my Nexus 4 using proboards Sidetrack but where in WI are you? If you're passing though Milwaukee, consider yourselves waved at by me!
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Aug 22, 2014 13:38:46 GMT -5
Hey, I was the one that got away in DFs mind! If he was smart, he'd think lucky break!!
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beergut
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Post by beergut on Aug 22, 2014 14:21:27 GMT -5
Some very interesting perspectives brought up on here.
Drama,
You need to ask DH if he wants to let this woman continue to control him for the rest of his life, because that is what he is doing right now. His memory of her and what she did to him is still firmly in control of him and if is affecting his life. He needs to decide to get over it.
It was in high school, and over half his life ago. At some point, he needs to graduate from high school, and move on.
I have a friend who entered high school as a 'fat kid', and even though he lost weight, worked out, and became the stereotypical blonde-haired stud football player that girls drool over, inside he was always that fat kid. It colored his interactions with women when I first met him, which was a few years after he graduated high school.
I've noticed that insecurity went away as he became older, and he had possessed his new physique and look longer than he had been the fat kid.
He's now in a long-term relationship with a beautiful girl, and I'm just waiting for whenever they decide to get engaged.
People can change over time, your DH just needs to decide he wants to make that change.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Aug 22, 2014 14:31:25 GMT -5
Yeah I think he should have gotten over it a long time ago. I don't know that he really puts that much thought into it, or if that's what pops into his head and he figures that's a good excuse. I was done arguing about it with him a long time ago. If he wants to hold a grudge against her for the rest of his life I can't stop him. All I can do is make it clear that he better not push his luck, I'm not running my life based on a 24 year old grudge.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Aug 22, 2014 15:05:53 GMT -5
Hold up - is this the ex-fiancee whose ring you have now?!
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Aug 22, 2014 15:45:50 GMT -5
No. The ring I have was given to the girlfriend before me and she was WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY after high school. I believe his HS sweetheart kept her ring.
I had a lot of women try to pressure me into making him sell the ring and buy me an "even bigger one" (the one I wear now is 1.25 carats for crying out loud). He looked into it but wouldn't have recouped half of what he paid. Then add onto that he would have had to charge for another "bigger and better" ring for me.
I decided it was stupid to demand another ring. I feel that is petty and punishing DH for daring to have loved another woman before me. I told him forget it I'd take the ring.
Besides by the time it was taken down from a size 8 to a size 4 it's almost an entirely new ring due to the fact the dimensions change so drastically when going down to half the original size.
What I find funny is when I tell the story if I am telling it to a guy they think it's was awesome that I decided to take the ring rather than make DH spend more money . Women tend to think I am insane and should have refused to marry him/ever have sex again until he bought me not only a new one but one twice the size of the one he bought for the "other woman".
And they wonder why they don't have rings on their fingers?
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Aug 22, 2014 15:50:26 GMT -5
Got it. Yeah, I don't give a crap about wedding jewelry (I haven't been wearing my own wedding/engagement ring for about a month) so I didn't think it was all that weird once you explained about the band making it almost a new ring, but I personally couldn't have a ring belonging to an ex who cheated. Way too much bad juju there.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Aug 22, 2014 15:55:57 GMT -5
I don't think the girlfriend before me cheated on him, just dumped him. Which he says he doesn't blame her for at all, he was at the height of his addiction when he was with her. He would have dumped himself too.
I did refuse MIL's offer to give me BIL's ex wife's wedding dress. That did end in cheating (BIL cheated). It wasn't so much bad juju but because I know my MIL would have announced to everyone whose dress I was wearing and I felt that would have been in extremely bad taste. So I passed.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Aug 22, 2014 16:06:24 GMT -5
Can I just say I love the sidebars some of these conversations take?
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sarcasticgirl
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Post by sarcasticgirl on Aug 22, 2014 19:15:54 GMT -5
And just to clarify, I did just ask my husband what he thought my intentions were (we're driving across WI at the moment) and he said "you said she had a nice butt and told me to look... Just like you tell me someone has a dress you like and to look. You weren't telling me to oggle her." Sent from my Nexus 4 using proboards Sidetrack but where in WI are you? If you're passing though Milwaukee, consider yourselves waved at by me! We're in door county now... Sturgeon bay. We did pass through Milwaukee, and I was wondering who kept waving to us ;D ;D ;D Sent from my Nexus 4 using proboards
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 22, 2014 19:18:39 GMT -5
Perhaps I am a horrible person for feeling this way, but there is one who got away. It's been over 10 years. We still see each other often by virtue of the circles we run in. My heart races and I get butterflies when I see him. It's actually really hard to be around him.
DH knows my history with him, but I don't think he realizes the feelings I still have. It would devastate him.
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damnotagain
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Post by damnotagain on Aug 22, 2014 20:07:21 GMT -5
How many times can you get married in Kentucky ? All i know is there were 6 women in town .
I married half of them, pissed the other three off!
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damnotagain
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Post by damnotagain on Aug 22, 2014 20:10:32 GMT -5
forgot the punch line .... Relatives never changed !
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nutty
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Post by nutty on Aug 22, 2014 20:13:54 GMT -5
All the ones that got away from me have died, STBX better be careful.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Aug 22, 2014 23:13:24 GMT -5
Perhaps I am a horrible person for feeling this way, but there is one who got away. It's been over 10 years. We still see each other often by virtue of the circles we run in. My heart races and I get butterflies when I see him. It's actually really hard to be around him. DH knows my history with him, but I don't think he realizes the feelings I still have. It would devastate him. What happened between you guys? I could see myself still having a "crush" of sorts on the ex I mentioned earlier. Part of me is glad he lives so far away and we don't speak anymore. It's not that I don't think I could handle it. I'm just not interested in having those feelings surface regularly for someone I used to be with, you know?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 23, 2014 9:48:22 GMT -5
Perhaps I am a horrible person for feeling this way, but there is one who got away. It's been over 10 years. We still see each other often by virtue of the circles we run in. My heart races and I get butterflies when I see him. It's actually really hard to be around him. DH knows my history with him, but I don't think he realizes the feelings I still have. It would devastate him. What happened between you guys? I could see myself still having a "crush" of sorts on the ex I mentioned earlier. Part of me is glad he lives so far away and we don't speak anymore. It's not that I don't think I could handle it. I'm just not interested in having those feelings surface regularly for someone I used to be with, you know? We dated briefly and before things got too serious, we both started seeing other people but not exclusively. We then took a trip together that had been planned for a few months and things were hot and heavy. When we got back, we mutually decided to keep dating others. I was dating DH at the time and it obviously stuck. The whole thing was young, naive but emotionally intense. We always stayed in touch and though it has become more distant over the years, all those feelings come rushing back at me whenever I see him. He sees me so deeply (more so than DH ever has) and a passion burns when I'm near him. He reciprocates in his way and we have both tried to be unattached about it. It feels very unresolved and raw despite the time that has past. I honestly don't know what might happen if we were alone together. Some parts of me never want that to happen and others yearn for it.
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MJ2.0
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Post by MJ2.0 on Aug 23, 2014 13:12:02 GMT -5
It's funny how some of our lives have become those romance novels they sell at KMart.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 23, 2014 14:31:41 GMT -5
Every time I glance at the board and see the title to this thread I read it as, "Would you consider cheating in a relationship?"
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Peace Of Mind
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[font color="#8f2520"]~ Drinks Well With Others ~[/font]
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Post by Peace Of Mind on Aug 23, 2014 22:18:50 GMT -5
All the ones that got away from me have died, STBX better be careful. Is it just me or does this sound like both a confession and a threat?
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nutty
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Post by nutty on Aug 24, 2014 7:04:15 GMT -5
I plead the fifth.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 24, 2014 22:52:45 GMT -5
It's funny how some of our lives have become those romance novels they sell at KMart. Trust me, the fact that it sounds like a lifetime original is not lost on me. I just don't know what to do. DH and I have had problems and have been in therapy for some time about our issues. If if wasn't for our young son, I may have left by now.
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MJ2.0
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Post by MJ2.0 on Aug 25, 2014 0:09:37 GMT -5
It's funny how some of our lives have become those romance novels they sell at KMart. Trust me, the fact that it sounds like a lifetime original is not lost on me. I just don't know what to do. DH and I have had problems and have been in therapy for some time about our issues. If if wasn't for our young son, I may have left by now. Why are you living my life from 3-4 months ago right now? Feel free to shoot me a PM.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Aug 25, 2014 7:46:36 GMT -5
Sidetrack but where in WI are you? If you're passing though Milwaukee, consider yourselves waved at by me! We're in door county now... Sturgeon bay. We did pass through Milwaukee, and I was wondering who kept waving to us Sent from my Nexus 4 using proboards There were several of us waving at you. I know of 4 members (counting me) in this area.
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