Artemis Windsong
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The love in me salutes the love in you. M. Williamson
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Post by Artemis Windsong on Aug 15, 2014 19:30:07 GMT -5
Secret involvement on any level, and place.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 15, 2014 21:09:20 GMT -5
I wouldn't be thrilled if my partner was in love with someone else, but if they don't act on it I can't accuse them of cheating. I'd have to give them credit for honoring their commitment to me. I don't give out gold stars for having the ability to keep it in your pants. Lol Sent from my Nexus 4 using proboards I do if they think they have fallen in love with someone else and don't act on it out of consideration for me. People can't really do much about feelings so controlling their actions is the standard.
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tallguy
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Post by tallguy on Aug 15, 2014 21:17:59 GMT -5
I actually can't tell anything from that rambling, semi-literate mess. But why should this post be any different?
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ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ
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Post by ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ on Aug 15, 2014 21:44:54 GMT -5
So it wouldn't bother you that your SO has fallen in love with someone else, as long as they don't act on it "out of consideration"?
How could that NOT bother you?
It wouldn't change your feelings or respect/trust toward them?
I sure wouldn't call that consideration at all on their part, just because they didn't take it further - I'd call it them showing complete disrespect for me and our relationship, and them being a douche.
A person who'd accept that would have to be either naive, desperate, or wearing blinders.
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quince
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Post by quince on Aug 15, 2014 21:56:50 GMT -5
I would not have a problem with my husband falling in love with someone else- I do not believe that love is a finite resource. I do not find it disrespectful.
I WOULD have a problem if him falling in love with someone else led to him behaving differently toward me and our son. If he suddenly did not have time for us, if he started expending joint resources on this individual, if he started keeping secrets from me, if he stopped being in love or interested in sex with me. I would feel exactly the same way if a platonic relationship or new hobby starting taking his time and resources away from our family.
The only reason I have an issue with fluid exchange is the risk of pregnancy and disease. My relationship with my husband isn't based on the amazing magic of sexual exclusivity. It is based on mutual affection, shared goals, many shared values, a desire to spend our lives and futures together, common interests, and healthy sexual attraction.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 15, 2014 22:01:34 GMT -5
I WOULD have a problem if him falling in love with someone else led to him behaving differently toward me and our son. If he suddenly did not have time for us, if he started expending joint resources on this individual, if he started keeping secrets from me, if he stopped being in love or interested in sex with me. I would feel exactly the same way if a platonic relationship or new hobby starting taking his time and resources away from our family. Exactly! Whatever that crime is, it isn't cheating.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Aug 15, 2014 22:27:32 GMT -5
I would not have a problem with my husband falling in love with someone else- I do not believe that love is a finite resource. I do not find it disrespectful. I WOULD have a problem if him falling in love with someone else led to him behaving differently toward me and our son. If he suddenly did not have time for us, if he started expending joint resources on this individual, if he started keeping secrets from me, if he stopped being in love or interested in sex with me. I would feel exactly the same way if a platonic relationship or new hobby starting taking his time and resources away from our family. The only reason I have an issue with fluid exchange is the risk of pregnancy and disease. My relationship with my husband isn't based on the amazing magic of sexual exclusivity. It is based on mutual affection, shared goals, many shared values, a desire to spend our lives and futures together, common interests, and healthy sexual attraction. I find this interesting. I don't believe in love at first sight. I'd assume, if my DH has fallen in love with someone else, he's already behaved differently towards the kids and us. To me, to fall in love, I need to invest time and other resources in a relationship. The time and other resources have to come at a cost to someone/something else. If my DH came to me and said "Know what, Gira. I'd really like to start working out seriously an hour every day. I know this will take time away from you and the kids. But, I need to be healthy, how can we make this work." I'd be OK with that. And, though an hour doesn't seem like much, we don't get that kind of time for ourselves. An hour a day would be, indeed a huge commitment, to the detriment of our relationship M-F. We really only get from 8:30-9:30 at night as "us" time. If my DH said "Gira, there's this woman at work that gives me the tingles. I'm going to spend an hour a day nurturing a relationship with her." Well, I would not be OK with that.
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ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ
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Post by ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ on Aug 15, 2014 22:37:56 GMT -5
Really? He's already become emotionally detached from you and your children the minute he's fallen in love with someone else.
It would change the whole dynamic of the relationship & trust issues. You wouldn't wonder - every time he walked out the door? Say he said he had to go to the hardware store to pick up a part - or needed to gas up the car - and was gone for a couple of hours, or more - you wouldn't wonder in the back of your mind if that's where he really was, after finding out he'd fallen in love with someone else?
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sarcasticgirl
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Post by sarcasticgirl on Aug 15, 2014 23:06:49 GMT -5
I WOULD have a problem if him falling in love with someone else led to him behaving differently toward me and our son. If he suddenly did not have time for us, if he started expending joint resources on this individual, if he started keeping secrets from me, if he stopped being in love or interested in sex with me. I would feel exactly the same way if a platonic relationship or new hobby starting taking his time and resources away from our family. Exactly! Whatever that crime is, it isn't cheating. This isn't cheating... TO YOU. My husband and I both consider this cheating, as do many many people I know. You don't just fall in love with someone overnight. At some point you allow yourself to cross an emotional line that you shouldn't, in my opinion. If you are carrying on a loving romantic relationship (minus the sex) there has to be some pretty big level of secrecy going on. I have personally seen it rip relationships apart. Sent from my Nexus 4 using proboards
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quince
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Post by quince on Aug 16, 2014 2:01:12 GMT -5
If my husband wanted to spend significant amounts of his scant time with another woman simply because she gave him the tingles, I would think less of him. I hope he would want to spend time with someone because they are interesting to talk to, stimulate him intellectually, and are a good person to bounce ideas off of.
I do think there is a difference between falling in love and carrying on a loving romantic relationship. You can realize that a friendly relationship with some attraction has grown into something, and limit contact and adjust your interactions. If my husband was going to the movies and chastely holding hands with someone while gazing soulfully into their eyes, I don't imagine I'd be a fan of that relationship. If we had a friend he was attracted to, and realized that if I wasn't around or I was OK with polygamy, he'd pursue building a life with them, and he kept his actual actions friendly? Not a problem because he isn't making it a problem.
As far as trusting him outside of my field of vision if I found out he felt strongly about someone...why wouldn't I? I took my ex out to lunch once a week until my husband and I had a child, and my husband didn't have a problem with it. He helped return a TV for my ex. He trusted me with someone I had actually had sex with- and I know there are a lot of people who wouldn't. It's easier on the blood pressure to trust.
That said, if he actually ever got frisky with someone without my go-ahead, and we tried to work through it, I'm sure I would start timing his trips to the store without me, at least for a few decades.
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truthbound
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Post by truthbound on Aug 16, 2014 4:27:51 GMT -5
Exactly. It appears someone has come across an opportunity and is looking for validation for what they are planning to do.
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marvholly
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Post by marvholly on Aug 16, 2014 5:51:50 GMT -5
Secret involvement on any level, and place. BINGO! We have a winner. I know someone who has/is going thru this.
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Aug 16, 2014 5:59:50 GMT -5
Like parenting, the definition of cheating will depend on the couple involved. A lot of people on here have a much looser definition of cheating than I do. To me, cheating is any interaction with a person of the opposite sex that is hidden from your spouse. If it is innocent you wouldn't be keeping it a secret
And emotional cheating is just as bad IMHO. I would be just as devestated if my husband fell in love with someone else, even if he never actually had sex with her
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Opti
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Post by Opti on Aug 16, 2014 7:11:27 GMT -5
Agreed.
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nutty
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Post by nutty on Aug 16, 2014 7:16:02 GMT -5
Oh my gosh sorry Tallguy for being so succint that you didn't understand. A person can absolutely have a friend, a platonic friend, a work wifey that when that persons marriage goes balls up, has problems, etc that friend then looks mighty tasty to help a person out of a miserable, terrible marriage.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Aug 16, 2014 8:03:44 GMT -5
Emotional cheating is ever so much more painful. To me.
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geenamercile
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Post by geenamercile on Aug 16, 2014 8:17:57 GMT -5
I have also found that my definition of cheating and what I am comfortable with has changed over the years I have known DH. It is a fluid conversation that we keep open.
To me, cheating is any interaction with a person of the opposite sex that is hidden from your spouse.
See I can agree with that although I have a feeling when it comes to interactions we would disagree on lines. For example my husband gives awesome massages, they are easier to do without shirts on, and I have no problem with a friend taking their shirt off and getting a massage from my husband. Don't mind them taking their pants off either. He has a bed set up down stairs for it, differnt oils, ect... Majority of the time it is me laying on it, but there are times he is down there giving a massage and I'll be cooking dinner. But the big fact is that I know about it.
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sarcasticgirl
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Post by sarcasticgirl on Aug 16, 2014 21:41:19 GMT -5
I have also found that my definition of cheating and what I am comfortable with has changed over the years I have known DH. It is a fluid conversation that we keep open. To me, cheating is any interaction with a person of the opposite sex that is hidden from your spouse.
See I can agree with that although I have a feeling when it comes to interactions we would disagree on lines. For example my husband gives awesome massages, they are easier to do without shirts on, and I have no problem with a friend taking their shirt off and getting a massage from my husband. Don't mind them taking their pants off either. He has a bed set up down stairs for it, differnt oils, ect... Majority of the time it is me laying on it, but there are times he is down there giving a massage and I'll be cooking dinner. But the big fact is that I know about it. um... can I come over
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Aug 17, 2014 5:59:39 GMT -5
Cheating is behavior toward another with romantic undertones. You can hold grandma's hand at the nursing home. But if you are holding hands with your secretary that isn't likely the same thing. There can be innocent hand holding or an innocent kiss hello or goodbye , etc depending on your culture. But you know if u are kissing romantically or not. And any touching beyond that is cheating unless you are at the doctor being examined or a massage , etc.
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hoops902
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Post by hoops902 on Aug 18, 2014 11:15:14 GMT -5
::So it wouldn't bother you that your SO has fallen in love with someone else, as long as they don't act on it "out of consideration"?
How could that NOT bother you?
It wouldn't change your feelings or respect/trust toward them?
I sure wouldn't call that consideration at all on their part, just because they didn't take it further - I'd call it them showing complete disrespect for me and our relationship, and them being a douche. ::
Because they are feelings, and you can't necessarily control how you feel but you can control how you act. It might bother me, but it isn't disrespectful in any way. Do you get mad if your SO thinks someone else is physically attractive? These are all feelings. Love is a feeling. How can you be angry at someone for having normal human feelings?
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andreawick
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Post by andreawick on Aug 18, 2014 11:22:18 GMT -5
Sexual activity involving someone other than me that I have not given permission for. We defined cheating early in our relationship. In our case, this includes kissing that involves fluids exchanged, anything involving genitals, phone or cyber sex, masturbating in the same room even without contact. I am OK with strip clubs, including lap dances, and good with porn. Honestly, if either of us were doing this sort of thing and somehow it never came up in discussion, there'd be something wrong with our relationship. anything with genitals... what if the doc has to check him for a hernia? what if he just calls her "doctor"??
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muttleynfelix
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Post by muttleynfelix on Aug 18, 2014 12:58:31 GMT -5
If you or your spouse/partner have issues with the other person watching porn, or visiting strip clubs, and their issue of the other person doing it are made known, and the other person still continues to indulge in those activities, is that not at least emotional cheating or infidelity toward their partner? Why would you have issues with someone watching porn? Seriously, by defintion, it is bad acting with people getting sweaty and having sex on visual media. I may have a different view on it, because my GF and I watched part of a porno once while flipping through cable, and I spent the whole time critiquing the actors. Porn does nothing for me, which is why I see it as mostly harmless. Now, if you have issues with it (maybe you think your SO is addicted to porn?), and they continue to watch it against your express wishes, that is different. I don't view that or going to strip clubs against the other's wishes as 'emotional cheating', I view it as being an insensitive jackass. You don't have the right to control someone else's behavior, but you do have the right to let them know how that behavior makes you feel. How they act going forward reflects on them, but it doesn't necessarily equal cheating. If your SO is using porn instead of being intimate with you, that is a problem. My DH and I use to have no problem with porn. But after DS was born and our intimacy went way down, it became very hurtful to find out that he was rejecting having sex with me (which he did turn me down several times) but then jacking off watching internet porn. That was a problem and I think most people would have a problem with that.
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weltschmerz
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Post by weltschmerz on Aug 18, 2014 13:01:26 GMT -5
I have an ex that I go fishing with once or twice a year. There are no romantic feelings left, and we're just good friends. His new woman hates fishing and she hates me (she perceives me as a threat), so he tells her he's going fishing, but not who with. If she found out, she'd be livid. I don't consider this cheating. Do you?
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ArchietheDragon
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Post by ArchietheDragon on Aug 18, 2014 13:04:32 GMT -5
I have an ex that I go fishing with once or twice a year. There are no romantic feelings left, and we're just good friends. His new woman hates fishing and she hates me (she perceives me as a threat), so he tells her he's going fishing, but not who with. If she found out, she'd be livid. I don't consider this cheating. Do you? If I was the other woman I would.
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swasat
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Post by swasat on Aug 18, 2014 13:04:36 GMT -5
I have an ex that I go fishing with once or twice a year. There are no romantic feelings left, and we're just good friends. His new woman hates fishing and she hates me (she perceives me as a threat), so he tells her he's going fishing, but not who with. If she found out, she'd be livid. I don't consider this cheating. Do you? Yes. IF he is serious about his relationship with her.
Its all in the persepective. If she is the one he wants to stay with, then yes, to me what he does, does constitute as lying and cheating. If she is just another fling, then meh. I'd rather keep my good friend than a jealous GF.
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Aug 18, 2014 13:27:20 GMT -5
I have an ex that I go fishing with once or twice a year. There are no romantic feelings left, and we're just good friends. His new woman hates fishing and she hates me (she perceives me as a threat), so he tells her he's going fishing, but not who with. If she found out, she'd be livid. I don't consider this cheating. Do you? Yes. Knowing that she would get mad and not telling her is the same as lying (a lie by omission is still a lie). I would consider it cheating if my husband did it to me.
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sheilaincali
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Post by sheilaincali on Aug 18, 2014 13:28:24 GMT -5
I my opinion- Cheating is anything you either wouldn't do in front of your spouse or wouldn't tell your spouse about.
For example- We were at my high school reunion last weekend. I hugged several of my former classmates, one I even kissed on the cheek. My husband was standing next to me and after I hugged my friend I introduced him to my husband. I was dragged off by another friend to talk to someone else and my husband and my friend that I just kissed on the cheek carried on their conversation for another 15 minutes. In my opinion that is not cheating.
DH is a sex addict. I don't care to discuss whether or not it's a "real thing". Trust me- I have first hand knowledge of it and stayed with my husband after he cheated, through a 12 step program and years of therapy (for both of us. My individual therapist worked only with spouses of addicts). In his case porn is cheating because it's a trigger/gateway activity for him. It might not be for other couples but in my marriage it is considered cheating.
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justme
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Post by justme on Aug 18, 2014 13:31:13 GMT -5
To me, cheating has a romantic thread to it. So I wouldn't say Weltz's friend is cheating, but I would say he's stupid and kind of awful to be outright lying to his SO.
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geenamercile
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Post by geenamercile on Aug 18, 2014 13:31:36 GMT -5
I have an ex that I go fishing with once or twice a year. There are no romantic feelings left, and we're just good friends. His new woman hates fishing and she hates me (she perceives me as a threat), so he tells her he's going fishing, but not who with. If she found out, she'd be livid. I don't consider this cheating. Do you? While I think the other woman sounds a bit... more than a bit really.... but a bit insecure and nut, yes I would say lying about who he is going fishing with is a type of cheating. I also think there are differnt levels of cheating and some may be more revocable than others. I also don't see cheating just as a man-woman/ woman-man thing.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Aug 18, 2014 13:35:45 GMT -5
His new woman hates fishing and she hates me (she perceives me as a threat), so he tells her he's going fishing, but not who with. If she found out, she'd be livid.
I don't consider this cheating.
Do you?
I don't know if I categorize it as "cheating" in my book but if he actually cares about this woman then I would consider it extremely disrespectful that he continues to hang out with you despite her request.
Do I personally think it's a paranoid, yes but then he's not in a relationship with me. He's in a relationship with her and if it's one of her deal breakers he should respect that.
Also why is he sticking around if fishing/you are that important to him that he feels it's worth lying to his girlfriend? Wouldn't it be easier to pick a woman who isn't unhappy with it?
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