nutty
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Post by nutty on Jun 19, 2014 8:49:59 GMT -5
Yes lily I am expecting a crash hopefully I can avoid it with my counselling and keeping busy. My initial shock I went back and forth for four months while in the house.
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nutty
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Post by nutty on Jun 19, 2014 8:50:32 GMT -5
I will be in about three weeks.
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Green Eyed Lady
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Post by Green Eyed Lady on Jun 19, 2014 8:51:47 GMT -5
That is awesome. Good for you! It will help to keep your mind busy, while working towards being totally independent and that will feel so good!
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jun 19, 2014 8:53:30 GMT -5
It took me a long time to heal from the things that happened to me. I may never fully recover from them. But another man or even several don't fix ME. Until I fix ME, I can't be happy or healthy. I took a long time to be alone and work on me. I dated and even tried to get INVOLVED but I knew it wasn't right and I moved on. When I was finally as okay as I'm probably ever going to be, DF came into my life. Is it a bed of roses? Oh, hell, no. But it's RIGHT and that's what matters.
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Green Eyed Lady
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Look inna eye! Always look inna eye!
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Post by Green Eyed Lady on Jun 19, 2014 9:03:29 GMT -5
One of the tough things for me about leaving my marriage was the things that I did miss about being a couple. Simple and seemingly unimportant things hit you at strange times. Even something like having help moving the couch to clean under it, or having someone there in the middle of the night. It's hard to not want them back. It's even harder to keep yourself from making a bad decision because you do miss them. Be very careful of who you invite into your life - whether it is now or a year from now. There is nothing...and I mean nothing....that is worth making a mistake that can ruin even one more week of your life. Not a hug, not sex, not just having someone there, not financial help...nothing. I think you already know this and I bet you'll do just fine. Hang in there and give yourself some time to be alone.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jun 19, 2014 9:06:24 GMT -5
One of the tough things for me about leaving my marriage was the things that I did miss about being a couple. Simple and seemingly unimportant things hit you at strange times. Even something like having help moving the couch to clean under it, or having someone there in the middle of the night. It's hard to not want them back. It's even harder to keep yourself from making a bad decision because you do miss them. Be very careful of who you invite into your life - whether it is now or a year from now. There is nothing...and I mean nothing....that is worth making a mistake that can ruin even one more week of your life. Not a hug, not sex, not just having someone there, not financial help...nothing. I think you already know this and I bet you'll do just fine. Hang in there and give yourself some time to be alone. Since you jumped into this other marriage after the shock of your first one ending and he's no prize, listen to GEL.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 19, 2014 10:24:28 GMT -5
They say the first stage of grief is denial.
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Jun 19, 2014 10:46:52 GMT -5
What my mother. My three besties from hs. They mean they are not concerned about me being able to manage and be strong without him. Oh and my sister. I guess I am pragmatic. He didnt want me and i wasnt sticking around for him to waffle more. Sorry some of you dont seem to believe. With all the advice i was able to get on here and through others it is healing me. I am not going to sit around and wallow and say woe is me. Maybe I got here quicker with much support. In the end I left him and though I am sad occasionally generally I am not and through reflection so far I am ok. Doesnt mean i am ready to be his friend and in fact i am doing NC and that is helping. I am not concerned about you being strong and managing. I am not concerned that you aren't going to heal. You are a strong woman & will do great. All I am saying is that you aren't there yet. There is just no way to have moved out a month ago & be completely over the entire 20 year marriage ending. I am not saying you shouldn't be out living it up & socializing. All I am saying is you probably shouldn't be dating. And just because you aren't sitting around wallowing doesn't mean you are over it either. I didn't sit around and wallow either, quite the opposite actually, but I wasn't ok. The suddenly not being half of a couple is a huge change and not something you get over instantly.
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tloonya
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Post by tloonya on Jun 19, 2014 11:26:06 GMT -5
Naggie, if you aren't a hot mess you certainly should be! Ending a 20 year marriage the way yours was ended should leave any thinking person a hot mess! Getting your head (and your life) in order is going to take awhile. The ducks don't all just magically line up, hon. Go out with your female friends, of course, but not necessarily to bars. Go other places, as well ... the zoo, museum, restaurants, local events. Also, go out alone, naggie. Learn to be alone and to enjoy being with just yourself. You don't have to have someone sewn to your hip and that's a very important thing to learn after that many years of marriage. There's real value in learning to enjoy one's own company. Forget the guys for awhile and concentrate on you. Every.One.Is.Different!!! nutty didn't have a perfect marriage whatever she saying she felt it is coming. Some women are 'over it' while it is going on. Then when it is actually real and over - it is like a vaccine shot - if it wasn't done - illness would be prolonged. But shot was admininstered and VOILA! She is all new and ready to go. One thing I do not understand. WHY in XXI Century meeting and hanging out visualized like an ethernal commitment? Who said if you meet her twice - you must be ready for proposal? What a bull!
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ZaireinHD
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Post by ZaireinHD on Jun 19, 2014 11:33:31 GMT -5
What my mother. My three besties from hs. They mean they are not concerned about me being able to manage and be strong without him. Oh and my sister. I guess I am pragmatic. He didnt want me and i wasnt sticking around for him to waffle more. Sorry some of you dont seem to believe. With all the advice i was able to get on here and through others it is healing me. I am not going to sit around and wallow and say woe is me. Maybe I got here quicker with much support. In the end I left him and though I am sad occasionally generally I am not and through reflection so far I am ok. Doesnt mean i am ready to be his friend and in fact i am doing NC and that is helping. here is the comments I was thinking of today. it's great you have people you know and can talk with - besties and family for me I don't have friends any more to talk to. my previous girlfriend and I still continue to have a good relationship - but she still tells me no - my family!! don't help me at all! I have to look out for myself more than ever now that I am discovering who I am phase / period of my new life. so funny - my dad ! I keep telling him how difficult of a time I am having with finances! all he says is "you're doing great" you're doing just fine" so I stopped sharing info because that makes me very upset! it's funny actually - how I have been so helpful to so many people all my life and now that I am in a situation where I am in need of help - there is no one I can depend on.
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nutty
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Jun 19, 2014 13:45:30 GMT -5
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Post by nutty on Jun 19, 2014 13:45:30 GMT -5
Therapy went well. He agrees that he doesn't see me as having a breakdown in six months. He said I have to be true to myself and that my personality trait of cutting my losses is fine and normal for me based on previous conversations. He doesnt see it as denial or anything else but a personality trait that I have always had. He asked me to be vulnerable last time and he concluded that just isnt me and to not be fake in that respect. We also discussed my annoyance with no follow through. So we are going to be working on me.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 19, 2014 13:58:32 GMT -5
Naggie, if you aren't a hot mess you certainly should be! Ending a 20 year marriage the way yours was ended should leave any thinking person a hot mess! Getting your head (and your life) in order is going to take awhile. The ducks don't all just magically line up, hon. Go out with your female friends, of course, but not necessarily to bars. Go other places, as well ... the zoo, museum, restaurants, local events. Also, go out alone, naggie. Learn to be alone and to enjoy being with just yourself. You don't have to have someone sewn to your hip and that's a very important thing to learn after that many years of marriage. There's real value in learning to enjoy one's own company. Forget the guys for awhile and concentrate on you. Every.One.Is.Different!!! nutty didn't have a perfect marriage whatever she saying she felt it is coming. Some women are 'over it' while it is going on. Then when it is actually real and over - it is like a vaccine shot - if it wasn't done - illness would be prolonged. But shot was admininstered and VOILA! She is all new and ready to go. One thing I do not understand. WHY in XXI Century meeting and hanging out visualized like an ethernal commitment? Who said if you meet her twice - you must be ready for proposal? What a bull! There might be some people that are truly just over a 20 year marriage at the drop of a hat. But I think they are few and far between and if you've read nutty's posts, they are all over the map. She's crying, she's sad, she's depressed, she's violent, then she's composed, never happier, moving on, not missing him at all, totally opposite and screaming overcompensating for the previous feelings/behaviors. It was only a couple months ago that she was begging for her marriage to work. Now a lot of her posts are hinting at dating and meeting new men. nutty You don't have to answer here, but ask yourself how you are TRULY feeling. Not what you want to be feeling or what you want others to think you're feeling. I'll tell you where I was when my husband left. I felt alone, afraid, unloved, damaged somehow, I felt incomplete, I was angry, I was hurt, and I desperately wanted to fix all that ASAP, and for things to be "normal". Normal for me was married, I'd been with the same man since college. My husband left in April of 2004 and by September I was dating a real piece of work (btw, I was still married until 2007). It only took me a few months to realize that, but he was such a good choice that he also became my stalker for the next year. Yay me!
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nutty
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Jun 19, 2014 14:00:39 GMT -5
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Post by nutty on Jun 19, 2014 14:00:39 GMT -5
I feel dumped. Thats what i feel.
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nutty
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Jun 19, 2014 14:03:48 GMT -5
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Post by nutty on Jun 19, 2014 14:03:48 GMT -5
I feel like we had a good run. I feel like I didn't like him. I feel calmer. I feel he wasn't giving what I needed. Now this is my take. Hopefully at some point we can talk about the breakdown in the future but as of now I dont want to think about it.
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Jun 19, 2014 14:35:02 GMT -5
I'll tell you where I was when my husband left. I felt alone, afraid, unloved, damaged somehow, I felt incomplete, I was angry, I was hurt, and I desperately wanted to fix all that ASAP, and for things to be "normal". Normal for me was married, Even after I realized I didn't want to get back with my ex, there was this longer period of missing being in a relationship. I would be doing something, often something mundane like putting together furniture, & suddenly wish I had someone to put together furniture with. I didn't want to watch movies for a while because it mostly made me wish I had someone to watch the movie with me. It was hard coming home to an empty house & not having someone just there to tell about your day. I missed being in a relationship more than I missed my ex & it was hard. That is one of the reasons dating at that point would have been a disaster. I would have literally just been looking for someone, anyone to fill that hole in my life. I wouldn't have been picky or made good choices because I would have been needy & desperate.
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nutty
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Jun 19, 2014 16:49:05 GMT -5
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Post by nutty on Jun 19, 2014 16:49:05 GMT -5
Yes i am angry. Yes i feel a lot of things everyone has said. I dont dwell on them. I CANNOT DO ANYTHING ABOUT THEM except to allow myself to feel them at the time and move on. I cant tell anyone else how to feel. I cant make anyone do anything they want i realize that. No one can make anykne else happy but yourself. And i am happy with myself. I allow my feelings to come then i allow them to leave. I really dont know how to explain it. Right now i am keeping busy. Maybe i have no feelings or emotions in general i dunno.
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nutty
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Post by nutty on Jun 19, 2014 16:51:46 GMT -5
My messy period was the last four months. Now i am at peace to some degree. Its shitty but i am cutting my losses. Life is too short to be unhappy and i made the rught decision to leave.
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nutty
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Jun 19, 2014 16:53:34 GMT -5
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Post by nutty on Jun 19, 2014 16:53:34 GMT -5
I also feel that some where done the line just not right now we will be able to talk about it. I just dont want to talk or think about him right now.
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nutty
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Jun 19, 2014 16:57:21 GMT -5
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Post by nutty on Jun 19, 2014 16:57:21 GMT -5
I fricking love coming home to an empty house. Ahhhh bliss.
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nutty
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Jun 19, 2014 16:58:16 GMT -5
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Post by nutty on Jun 19, 2014 16:58:16 GMT -5
I also feel that I have done my job. My kids are raised. I was a decent wife. Now its my turn.
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Peace Of Mind
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Post by Peace Of Mind on Jun 19, 2014 17:07:40 GMT -5
I think that is exactly how I would feel if DH and I ever broke up. But when he goes out of town I love being by myself and love the break now and then. But I'm sure ready for him to come home by the weekend. Usually. Naggie, you are getting good advice and if it doesn't apply to you then store it until it does. You may be processing things differently or you may go through things faster than others experienced but be prepared if/when it hits you out of nowhere and try not to put your head in the sand or pretend to be one thing or feel something that is not what you are really feeling because it will come out and it's rarely ever at an opportune time. Who knows - maybe your feelings died a long time ago but you were doing what you knew best and that was being a wife. It's also possible that your feelings for him died and the anger was at him for wanting out and not telling you he was unhappy and you were blind sighted. I do hope you look back and find out it was the best thing for the both of you as you grow and move forward. Here is my concern: I've seen women play roles in their lives to the point that they don't even know how they feel or what they want. They just went along to get along. NOW is the time to figure out who you really are and what you really want out of life. Congrats on moving out and I hope you enjoy your new job and meet a lot of nice people. Date if you want to - but just play. Don't look long term as others have said. You will be a different person in a year.
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