ZaireinHD
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Post by ZaireinHD on Jun 18, 2014 17:34:23 GMT -5
How long have they been living together? 20 years living together vs 20 years married, yeah, same thing. 3 years living together vs. 20 years married, nope, completely different. Plus having kids makes the breakup different as well than a relationship without kids. agreed 20 years living together is not the same as 3 years living together. ask Scottish Lassie what the situation was. this is why I don't get how members here can say this / we are just a bunch of anonymous posters that don't know one another. it seems that Scottish Lassie knows a bit more information about our members to be anonymous. knows that she is right and other members are wrong.
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nutty
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No dating?
Jun 18, 2014 17:58:32 GMT -5
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Post by nutty on Jun 18, 2014 17:58:32 GMT -5
I thought I already said I am not dating or looking or anything. I think it is a variety of answers that were provided. I actually now remember one guy said it because he said his children are coming for two months in the summer so we must have been talking about kids and just for some reason volunteered that info. I resent people calling me a hot mess. No one in RL would EVER say that about me. My thoughts here are random musings as I am sitting around thinking. I happen to agree with zaire. How did me going out with friends to socialize with MY FRIENDS become me being a hot mess and chastising me about a random musing I had. I was curious. I am curious about sociology and human nature. I have spoken to four friends and they say absolutely no way am I giving any vibe. They say I am friendly, they also say that I always seem to be the one to break the conversation, that I do not speak to any one person for very long,that I turn away to get back to my friends but I am very polite to people. These are two people from one group of friends and two people from another. I implicitly trust each of these people. One from each group would REALLY tell me the brutal truth.All four said that if I am hitting on these people then I have some hidden secret to something because they just do not see it all. They never see or find me talking to a random guy. I am with my friends and stay with them. They look out for me. If I am missing someone will check the bathroom and that is where I am. They never see my chatting men up. In fact I am most likely on my phone or talking with them. I hope that clears some things up.
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nutty
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Jun 18, 2014 18:03:12 GMT -5
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Post by nutty on Jun 18, 2014 18:03:12 GMT -5
Oh they also said my accent probably makes these people to talk with me longer than the men usually would and that I may have tell me your life story written on my face. Lol.
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Jun 18, 2014 18:05:42 GMT -5
How long have they been living together? 20 years living together vs 20 years married, yeah, same thing. 3 years living together vs. 20 years married, nope, completely different. Plus having kids makes the breakup different as well than a relationship without kids. agreed 20 years living together is not the same as 3 years living together. ask Scottish Lassie what the situation was. this is why I don't get how members here can say this / we are just a bunch of anonymous posters that don't know one another. it seems that Scottish Lassie knows a bit more information about our members to be anonymous. knows that she is right and other members are wrong. Nutty has talked about her relationship & breakup quite a bit, so I'm not sure what SL knows that the rest of us couldn't know. I think she just moved out less than a month ago. She was very distraught about the relationship ending & has been very up & down as far as depressed, angry, accepting, wanting to move on, wanting to work it out, etc. This was something like a 20 year marriage, they have a grown child with a baby of her own. IMO Nutty shouldn't be out dating, based on what I know. That isn't a judgement on the way she is handling the divorce, she seems to be responding pretty normal because a divorce kind of tears your life apart & you are all over the place. I was. Maybe I still am...IDK. But, I am doing better than I was. Any dating I could have done even just 3 months ago would have been a disaster. It takes a long time to feel happy, normal, & ok with your life after something like that. The actual timeframe probably varies for everyone. But we have watched Nutty as the process has unfolded the last few months & she still seems all over the place. You can't have a healthy relationship if you aren't emotionally healthy & strong.
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nutty
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Jun 18, 2014 18:06:33 GMT -5
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Post by nutty on Jun 18, 2014 18:06:33 GMT -5
I got my ages wrong they are between 40 an 50. So in conclusion.
Telling ME. Looking for a one night stand. Confirmed bachelor. Keeping options open.
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Jun 18, 2014 18:14:09 GMT -5
I apologize if calling you a hot mess was insulting. It really wasn't meant to be.
My responses are honestly a huge reflection on what I went through. You know my divorce was finalized not long ago. I was a hot mess. I don't know how else to decribe myself. I knew it was for the best, didn't want to reconcile, so it wasn't that. It was just I needed time to find myself again & I wasn't married anywhere close to as long as you were, although mine might have been a lot crazier of a marriage. I felt absolutely lost, like I didn't know who I was, what my life was, even what I wanted to do day to day. In a way I felt like I was going crazy. I really don't know how to describe it, but it wasn't a good feeling. If I had gotten into a relationship when I was feeling like that, then it absolutely would have been a disaster.
ETA - maybe you aren't a hot mess. Maybe you somehow figured your life out & have found a new path quickly. I didn't. I suppose everyone grieves & moves on differently. I was lost & in shock...the life I had always assumed I would have was gone & I had to find peace with that. It was hard for me...surprisingly hard. But, when I did finally reach peace & figure me out, the change was amazing. Almost everyone in my life has commented how I am so much happier than I have been in years. I feel like I really just radiate positivity & happiness now. A much better place for me to be in if I want to find a healthy relationship.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 18, 2014 18:21:24 GMT -5
She is a hot mess. It's not insulting. It's normal. I was too when I was in a similar situation.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 18, 2014 18:40:10 GMT -5
They may be random musings but they are all over the place emotionally and it was not long ago you were throwing tantrums even you acknowledge were not good. All that equals hot mess. That said, that wasn't the main point of the statement I quoted. Sane guys are going to stay away from you for at least a year and you aren't going to/shouldn't want any of the ones that hang around at this point.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 18, 2014 18:41:29 GMT -5
I think most people that have ended a relationship with someone they really loved and shared their life with were probably a hot mess for a minute. I've been accused of having a nonchalant attitude plenty of times, but I've been a hot mess before too.
I don't think it's necessarily an insult when you're talking about how a person has reacted to ending a relationship.
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on Jun 18, 2014 19:02:32 GMT -5
Naggie, if you aren't a hot mess you certainly should be! Ending a 20 year marriage the way yours was ended should leave any thinking person a hot mess! Getting your head (and your life) in order is going to take awhile. The ducks don't all just magically line up, hon. Go out with your female friends, of course, but not necessarily to bars. Go other places, as well ... the zoo, museum, restaurants, local events. Also, go out alone, naggie. Learn to be alone and to enjoy being with just yourself. You don't have to have someone sewn to your hip and that's a very important thing to learn after that many years of marriage. There's real value in learning to enjoy one's own company. Forget the guys for awhile and concentrate on you.
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nutty
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Post by nutty on Jun 18, 2014 19:44:31 GMT -5
Yeah but they are for me. Am i grieving Heck yeah. Am I wallowing heck nah. Will i have a nervous breakdown in 6 months maybe. Am i focusing on my self yes but i am also not staying home. I have a good support system. My friends I saw reg. Said they have never seen me happier. I was obviously unhappy. Am i strong YES. Will I survive YES I am under no ones thumb as they say. I am me finally.
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nutty
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No dating?
Jun 18, 2014 19:45:33 GMT -5
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Post by nutty on Jun 18, 2014 19:45:33 GMT -5
I go to movies by myself. I walk. I go out to eat by myself. No one in rl is converned about me.
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Deleted
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Jun 18, 2014 19:53:54 GMT -5
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Post by Deleted on Jun 18, 2014 19:53:54 GMT -5
I think it is too soon for you to say you are fine...
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on Jun 18, 2014 19:54:49 GMT -5
I go to movies by myself. I walk. I go out to eat by myself. No one in rl is converned about me. I'm glad to hear that. The most important thing you have to do at this point in your life is to make yourself your very best friend and your preferred company. If you can do that, the rest will come naturally and in good time.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 18, 2014 20:06:56 GMT -5
I think it is too soon for you to say you are fine... This next year is going to be a roller coaster ride.
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Value Buy
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Post by Value Buy on Jun 18, 2014 20:13:33 GMT -5
I go to movies by myself. I walk. I go out to eat by myself. No one in rl is converned about me. I'm glad to hear that. The most important thing you have to do at this point in your life is to make yourself your very best friend and your preferred company. If you can do that, the rest will come naturally and in good time. mmhmm, I read her statement exactly opposite. no one in rl is concerned about her. That sounds to me like she has some depression.
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on Jun 18, 2014 20:23:21 GMT -5
I'm glad to hear that. The most important thing you have to do at this point in your life is to make yourself your very best friend and your preferred company. If you can do that, the rest will come naturally and in good time. mmhmm, I read her statement exactly opposite. no one in rl is concerned about her. That sounds to me like she has some depression.
Having read her previous threads concerning her divorce, VB, I think she's saying her friends think she's doing just fine. Frankly, I'm sure she does have some depression. Most people do when their marriages break up; especially, one of 20 years duration. Counselling can help, but what helps most is to find a friend in oneself and learn to enjoy one's own company. Until that's done, it's going to be more difficult to actually enjoy the company of others without expecting more than might be available from the relationships formed, or continued.
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Opti
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Post by Opti on Jun 18, 2014 20:44:02 GMT -5
Women and men see things differently. Just because your friends, who aren't there for the whole conversation think you aren't doing anything to get the 'not interested in a relationship' phrase, doesn't mean you aren't prompting that behavior unknowingly.
I remember several years ago when I was wearing a T-shirt that says something like fresh squeezed lemonade. Turns out it made guys think of something else. The women I asked were surprised by the link, but apparently it was a guy thing.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 18, 2014 20:49:14 GMT -5
You asked 4 friends about this since yesterday? Really?
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Deleted
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Jun 18, 2014 21:38:51 GMT -5
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Post by Deleted on Jun 18, 2014 21:38:51 GMT -5
"Having read her previous threads concerning her divorce, VB, I think she's saying her friends think she's doing just fine."
That's how i understood it too. And they may really believe she is ok. However, they are not with her majority of the time i bet and she seems to be pretending to be having the time of her life. And she may really believe she is having a great time now but i really think it is temporary because she hasnt healed/grieved.
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tallguy
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Post by tallguy on Jun 18, 2014 21:38:54 GMT -5
I would wager, however, that damn near everyone here who has read you the last couple of months...WOULD!
I generally try not to read "train-wreck" threads so did not follow your other ones closely, but there were quite a few posts that caused an, "OMFG! " reaction. You may try to dismiss them as random musings, but that does not fly at all. You have an awful lot of work to do, and Heaven help you if you try to skip it.
And by the way, if your statement above is true, get some better friends. Someone who will actually tell you the truth. (Unless, of course, they are in no better shape and don't recognize it anyway.)
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 18, 2014 21:42:04 GMT -5
I am still not following why guys would come up to her and start chatting her up then say they have a girlfriend. Or in the case of her friends introducing some random guy, why wouldnt he refuse to begin with? If they know the guy, don't they know his girlfriend? I am confused. If she isnt hitting on them (Knowingly or unknowingly), several guys would not be making a dumb comment like that out of the blue.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 18, 2014 21:43:04 GMT -5
"I resent people calling me a hot mess. No one in RL would EVER say that about me."
Yeah, not to your face...
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ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ
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Post by ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ on Jun 18, 2014 22:09:20 GMT -5
That's a valuable lesson I had to learn after DH passed, mmhmm - Naggie/Nutty doesn't need to be concerning herself right now about "being with someone". Healing time won't happen overnight - and it hasn't been that long for her yet since the marriage dissolved.
No point rushing into things or trying to immediately re-create what you had with someone new - it's far too soon.
There's plenty she can do (as you mentioned) to stay "out there" - and in the social circle.
Right now her focus should be on herself - after that long a marriage, the emotions attached to it don't just vanish the minute you walk out the door - or your partner passes..
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nutty
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Post by nutty on Jun 18, 2014 22:14:03 GMT -5
What my mother. My three besties from hs. They mean they are not concerned about me being able to manage and be strong without him. Oh and my sister. I guess I am pragmatic. He didnt want me and i wasnt sticking around for him to waffle more. Sorry some of you dont seem to believe. With all the advice i was able to get on here and through others it is healing me. I am not going to sit around and wallow and say woe is me. Maybe I got here quicker with much support. In the end I left him and though I am sad occasionally generally I am not and through reflection so far I am ok. Doesnt mean i am ready to be his friend and in fact i am doing NC and that is helping.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 19, 2014 0:44:00 GMT -5
I think I missed the whole actual move out. So it happened for real? Did you end up at the place you wanted? Did you select an attorney?
Who is your support system if you have an unexpected emotional crash?
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ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ
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Post by ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ on Jun 19, 2014 0:54:19 GMT -5
I was suggesting what I have read from MSN relationship advise Scottish Lassie. also long term relationship is the same as marriage or two people living together. not sure why you think there is a difference? Yeah - there's a reliable source.
Also a casual (or even long-term) relationship or living together is not the same as a marriage. Breaking off a casual or sexual relationship that's not on a legal contract (marriage certificate) is a hell of a lot easier to get over than exiting a marriage.
Didn't you recently break up with your live-in G/F and have to move to a new place? That's a piece of cake, compared to what Naggie/Nutty is facing currently. She has a lot of emotional turmoil going on that she has to work through.
Marriage is entered into as a firm commitment to each other in 99.9% of cases - for better or worse.
Most mature adults don't enter into it lightly - and go into it with the belief it will be for life and then go forward building that life together.
If something happens that the marriage crumbles, it's a lot more traumatic to walk away from than a "live-in" romance.
Nutty's husband threw in the towel - now she has to pick up the pieces of her own life and move forward after over 2 decades together.
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ZaireinHD
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Post by ZaireinHD on Jun 19, 2014 1:08:42 GMT -5
Yeah - there's a reliable source.
Also a casual (or even long-term) relationship or living together is not the same as a marriage. Breaking off a casual or sexual relationship that's not on a legal contract (marriage certificate) is a hell of a lot easier to get over than exiting a marriage.
Didn't you recently break up with your live-in G/F and have to move to a new place? That's a piece of cake, compared to what Naggie/Nutty is facing currently. She has a lot of emotional turmoil going on that she has to work through.
Marriage is entered into as a firm commitment to each other in 99.9% of cases - for better or worse.
Most mature adults don't enter into it lightly - and go into it with the belief it will be for life and then go forward building that life together.
If something happens that the marriage crumbles, it's a lot more traumatic to walk away from than a "live-in" romance.
Nutty's husband threw in the towel - now she has to pick up the pieces of her own life and move forward after over 2 decades together. Oh of course you are soooo correct Scottish Lassie you know it all and have the perfect advise us members are so luck to have you here! yes I have recently broke up with my 17 - 19 year live in relationship with my girlfriend moved into a place of my own - living alone for the first time and it's been only the first 4 months - but you know that already yet still I don't see the difference of being a married couple over two people living together long term relationship breakup married or single results are same or similar hurt depending on how relationship was the advise in this thread also applies to me as well - not ever been married
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nutty
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Post by nutty on Jun 19, 2014 8:46:39 GMT -5
Yes I moved out. It was very freeing.
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Green Eyed Lady
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Post by Green Eyed Lady on Jun 19, 2014 8:48:17 GMT -5
Nutty? Are you working yet?
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