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Post by Deleted on Jun 7, 2014 21:50:08 GMT -5
" DH was encouraged by his therapist yo limit contact with his mother and we haven't seen her in like 6 years."
How much worse can his mother be than your brother???
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sheilaincali
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Post by sheilaincali on Jun 8, 2014 8:28:42 GMT -5
DH's mother knowingly ignored him being molested by a family member, lied to cut him off from his family when he was 5 and his dad died, dumped him with neighbors 2 weeks after his dad died so she could go on vacation with her new boy friend, started leaving him home alone for entire weekends when he was 6 so she could go party at hotels with new husband, is on husband #5 (2-4 were drunks. 2 beat DH regularly). Honestly I could go on but I'd rather not. She's toxic
Debt. Not a recent thing but he has offered more than once. I don't know the knowledge base to do it. He's been approached a few times with buyout offers. They would retain the entire crew too.
IDK - personally I'm kind of looking to start a new chapter of my life. I'm excited about the possibilities the future holds
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jun 8, 2014 8:52:27 GMT -5
Your dad needs to sell. If the new owners fire his son, oh, well. Son will probably wait for his inheritance. Funny thing about inheritances, they either don't pay off because someone like me comes along and gets it away from the "heirs" or it gets spent on care for illnesses. Plus, those that have good money tend to live a VERY long time.
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Nazgul Girl
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Post by Nazgul Girl on Jun 8, 2014 8:57:58 GMT -5
Debt. Not a recent thing but he has offered more than once. I don't know the knowledge base to do it. He's been approached a few times with buyout offers. They would retain the entire crew too. IDK - personally I'm kind of looking to start a new chapter of my life. I'm excited about the possibilities the future holds Good luck, Sheila. I'd encourage your father to sell both companies, for the employees' sake, along with his pocketbook. He may need the money from both of the companies later on if his health declines somewhat ( hoping that doesn't happen ). I really hope that the next chapter of your lives are happy, profitable, and away from family drama.
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Nazgul Girl
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Post by Nazgul Girl on Jun 8, 2014 8:58:49 GMT -5
Your dad needs to sell. If the new owners fire his son, oh, well. Son will probably wait for his inheritance. Funny thing about inheritances, they either don't pay off because someone like me comes along and gets it away from the "heirs" or it gets spent on care for illnesses. Plus, those that have good money tend to live a VERY long time. Yes. I agree that with people who put their lives on hold, waiting for an inheritance, can be very, very disappointed.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 8, 2014 9:09:23 GMT -5
See, zib has me torn. Yesterday she posted and I was tempted to post about how my sisters current efforts to squeeze a bit more from dad were a bit much... But with this post I'm thinking more 'you go sis' ....
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jun 8, 2014 9:30:58 GMT -5
I was being facetious. Sorry, that you missed the humor. I go back a ways with some of these posters. It was a joke.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jun 8, 2014 9:33:04 GMT -5
But that doesn't mean that life can't change. I'm trying very hard and I will succeed to get DF to leave what he isn't forced to by his divorce decree not to his kids but to a worthwhile charity. They're getting millions, his should go to somewhere more deserving and worthwhile.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jun 8, 2014 9:34:47 GMT -5
But then again, that doesn't mean that someone could come along and get things changed if they wanted to. No one is entitled to an inheritance.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 8, 2014 9:35:59 GMT -5
It's weird though. Most of the time I'm just very grateful for how generous my father has been, and don't care if I ever get another penny. But then you'll set off my 'yet another stepmother' trigger and I veer in the other direction...
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Post by Deleted on Jun 8, 2014 10:04:28 GMT -5
Ok. I'm going to hijack.
No one is entitled to an inheritance. On the other hand, i don't personally think signing a marriage certificate qualifies you to automatically inherit/supplant existing family either.
I know things change. lol. Thats the only constant. Try to listen to this progression of conversations as the child. (Knowing that I do not want a condo, never wanted a condo, don't really care for Florida, etc...)
Dad speaking: 'So, i'm going to just buy that extra condo beside me, that way there is always a place for people to stay when you come visit me, and when i go you and sis each have your own'.
'So, i know I said i'd never get married again, but if things are still going this good in a year, i just might'
(two months later) ... so i'm getting married again. But don't worry, i'm getting a prenup.
a month later... I really don't think i need a prenup.
So, its only fair that I put one of the condos in new bride's name... she is giving her house to her son, so... I will put the extra condo in her name.
(Here sis and I actually try to be reasonable... if she is living in the other one, you should probably give her the choice of which one she wants to have in her name... that seems only fair (although all her stuff is now in the second one, which is like a museum which i no longer feel comfortable staying in))...
Dad again...
Hey, since you guys said i should, I guess i will just go ahead and put both condos in new bride's name (not what we said dad!)... but don't worry, the commercial space underneath them will remain yours in the trust...
You know what, it really doesn't make sense for the commercial space to be separate from the condos... now i just need to find out how to get them out of the trust...
ETC.
I know its just stuff. Its stuff I don't really want anyway. I visit Florida to see my father, its never been very high on my list. But it is very hard not to read that conversation, not just as a financial thing, but as starting out with 'hey, i love you, come visit whenever you like and i'll take care of you when i'm gone'... to 'hey, this lady supplants you. get used to it'.... again.
My sister was very direct with him this week. She said she felt when he warned us (as his financial advisor had him do) that we shouldn't COUNT on more money from him, she heard that as we shouldn't count ON HIM. I thought she was overstepping a bit. But you know, $$ sometimes just makes things more complicated, not easier...
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mollyanna58
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Post by mollyanna58 on Jun 8, 2014 10:54:18 GMT -5
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jun 9, 2014 9:54:51 GMT -5
Those kids are getting plenty. Their spouses and spouse to be are WELL aware of it. To me, no amount iof money is worth being married to them but that's me DF needs to do some good with his money. He's done plenty of bad with three worthless children. He will find a charity and that will be that. It's not like I expect him to leave it to me and mine.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 9, 2014 15:10:44 GMT -5
It's not about 'having enough'. It's about the quantitative valuation system inherent in a money economy. I personally don't think money should be the medium upon which we value our personal relationships. But, 1) it can be difficult not to be influenced by such due to the inherent nature of value/money. 2) many people, like your DF, HAVE CHOSEN to use this medium. He has always equated $ to love with those children. It will take a lot of hard work to make them understand that he is not pulling love by pulling money.
My dialogue was not a comment on anyone having 'plenty' or not. It was to illustrate that even for one who was not raised to $=love, the reallocation of resources can appear as an abandonment.
I agree with charity, but we are having a disagreement over that right now too. I expressed my thoughts that, while I looove giving away money, if he isn't going to write explicit directions for how the charitable account should be directed should something happen to him, I'd actually prefer to be kept off it, rather than be put in charge with new wife as was his intention. it didn't make him happy. But honestly, I've spent enough of my life tied to people i don't choose because he does.
Maybe be one way your DF could work on the love/money thing is starting a charitable account and involving the kids in distributing?
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sheilaincali
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Post by sheilaincali on Jun 10, 2014 7:54:59 GMT -5
OMG- at this point I'm pretty sure my brother's life sounds like a bad country western song!
My dad just came into my office to inform me that my exSIL has once again left my brother. Or as my niece told my mom last night "Mom doesn't live with us anymore and she took my new puppy when she left"
Apparently she moved out, took the new car and the new puppy and doesn't have a permanent place to live yet. They have a 50/50 custody split so my brother is supposed to have the kids Monday and Tuesday then she should have them Wednesday, Thursday then back to him on Friday.
My mom asked AHB "So what happens Wednesday with the kids" and he just said "I'll have them full time for 'a while'".
Dad had no more information but my brother posted something on facebook about "you'll always wonder until you give something once last try, I guess now I know it wasn't meant to be"
I'm a horrible person for busting out in laughter when my dad came in and said "So, apparently she left your brother again"
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sheilaincali
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Post by sheilaincali on Jun 10, 2014 7:55:26 GMT -5
I seriously could not make this shit up if it tried!
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jun 10, 2014 8:03:20 GMT -5
I'm already in charge of the grand children's college funds. He wanted me in charge because I know his wishes on how to distribute it and why. Part of it is to get one set away from his former stepdaughter so they can only have college money if they leave the state to go to school. The rest of his money he has left to temple if they all croak. He will change it eventually. They are getting plenty from their mom and stock from him. The ONLY way they don't get something from him is if the stock partner wants to buy them out and they both agree. Which will never happen. But he actually gave former stepdaughter a gift certificate to a spa. Which is like putting lipstick on a pig. She hates stuff like that so if he feels he must hand her something, at her age, at least get her what shed like to have.
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NancysSummerSip
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Post by NancysSummerSip on Jun 10, 2014 9:02:18 GMT -5
OMG- at this point I'm pretty sure my brother's life sounds like a bad country western song!
My dad just came into my office to inform me that my exSIL has once again left my brother. Or as my niece told my mom last night "Mom doesn't live with us anymore and she took my new puppy when she left"
Apparently she moved out, took the new car and the new puppy and doesn't have a permanent place to live yet. They have a 50/50 custody split so my brother is supposed to have the kids Monday and Tuesday then she should have them Wednesday, Thursday then back to him on Friday.
My mom asked AHB "So what happens Wednesday with the kids" and he just said "I'll have them full time for 'a while'".
Dad had no more information but my brother posted something on facebook about "you'll always wonder until you give something once last try, I guess now I know it wasn't meant to be"
I'm a horrible person for busting out in laughter when my dad came in and said "So, apparently she left your brother again" No, you are not horrible. It's a funny in a horrible way, though. I feel bad for the kids. But your brother is of grownup age (as opposed to being an actual grownup) and he's made his decisions.
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sheilaincali
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Post by sheilaincali on Jun 10, 2014 9:19:11 GMT -5
I do feel bad for the kids. It's sad that my niece had to tell my mom "mom doesn't live with us anymore". Even worse that she took the new puppy that they claimed from the beginning was my niece's new puppy. Who takes a puppy from their kid when they leave?
This reminds me of when she first moved out. Back in the day my brother moved in with my parents and had the kids full time at my folks' house. His lawyer told him he was an idiot and to move back home and that she should be the one to move out since she wanted the divorce and couldn't afford the house anyway. She started all the drama at Thanksgiving and didn't settle into a permanent apartment until like Easter. So it was nearly 6 months before she settled down and they got custody hammered out to the 50/50 split.
Given that AHB said he'd have the kids full time for "a while" I imagine she's pulling the same stunt again.
Her family is a Jerry Springer special. Pretty much every negative, trailer park stereotype you have could and does apply to that family. One high school diploma among the 4 daughters (exSIL is the youngest and the HS diploma holder). Different dads, older sister in rehab for various drug problems, one sister married a man older than her mother, one sister married some random guy and is a retired lot lizard. (Lot lizard is a term for someone that works at a interstate truck stop and hooks up with over the road truckers. Some random trucker is her son's father too). Mom has a full time boy friend (who is a total creeper and pervert) but has a couple of boy friends on the side. They are all loud, obnoxious, and have bad hygiene. I'm polite to them when we see them but they openly hate my family. In their world we are the 1% and they resent the hell out of us. What with our fancy, wheel-less homes and our having the same parents for all four of us kids.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 10, 2014 9:26:17 GMT -5
Oh the joys of family. My cousin's wife posted last week on his FB wall: "Since you can't answer your phone or a text, your clothes are on the porch". A few days later, she posted (again on his wall) before and after pictures of her side of the closet (full/empty). This will be interesting.
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NancysSummerSip
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Post by NancysSummerSip on Jun 10, 2014 9:37:55 GMT -5
I do feel bad for the kids. It's sad that my niece had to tell my mom "mom doesn't live with us anymore". Even worse that she took the new puppy that they claimed from the beginning was my niece's new puppy. Who takes a puppy from their kid when they leave?
This reminds me of when she first moved out. Back in the day my brother moved in with my parents and had the kids full time at my folks' house. His lawyer told him he was an idiot and to move back home and that she should be the one to move out since she wanted the divorce and couldn't afford the house anyway. She started all the drama at Thanksgiving and didn't settle into a permanent apartment until like Easter. So it was nearly 6 months before she settled down and they got custody hammered out to the 50/50 split.
Given that AHB said he'd have the kids full time for "a while" I imagine she's pulling the same stunt again.
Her family is a Jerry Springer special. Pretty much every negative, trailer park stereotype you have could and does apply to that family. One high school diploma among the 4 daughters (exSIL is the youngest and the HS diploma holder). Different dads, older sister in rehab for various drug problems, one sister married a man older than her mother, one sister married some random guy and is a retired lot lizard. (Lot lizard is a term for someone that works at a interstate truck stop and hooks up with over the road truckers. Some random trucker is her son's father too). Mom has a full time boy friend (who is a total creeper and pervert) but has a couple of boy friends on the side. They are all loud, obnoxious, and have bad hygiene. I'm polite to them when we see them but they openly hate my family. In their world we are the 1% and they resent the hell out of us. What with our fancy, wheel-less homes and our having the same parents for all four of us kids.
Someone with no regard for the feelings of others. Someone who does not care who they hurt or lie to, as long as they get what they want. Definitely shades of sociopathic behavior. And as for her family, they sound like Honey Boo Boo's family met up and married the Swamp People.
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sheilaincali
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Post by sheilaincali on Jun 10, 2014 9:45:00 GMT -5
Her family does come off a little Honey Boo Boo that's for sure. I hate to sound snobby or elitist but they just didn't fit in with my family at all. They make rude comments about how we were special because we used napkins instead of paper towels. Or make fun of us for having salad with dinner because apparently only snobby people like salad. It was a very strange dynamic and anytime they intermingled with my extended family it was always interesting to watch.
I have long thought my brother was a sociopath and it would make sense that he married the same type of person. They really were very toxic together.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jun 10, 2014 9:55:41 GMT -5
Too bad about their kids. Seems no one decent is raising them. They'll end up a bad combo of e two of them.
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Lizard Queen
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Post by Lizard Queen on Jun 10, 2014 10:24:37 GMT -5
Borderline ?? I'm not saying you're right or wrong, but just wondering how you got there? (as a curious ex-psych major)
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NancysSummerSip
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Post by NancysSummerSip on Jun 10, 2014 10:39:30 GMT -5
Her family does come off a little Honey Boo Boo that's for sure. I hate to sound snobby or elitist but they just didn't fit in with my family at all. They make rude comments about how we were special because we used napkins instead of paper towels. Or make fun of us for having salad with dinner because apparently only snobby people like salad. It was a very strange dynamic and anytime they intermingled with my extended family it was always interesting to watch.
I have long thought my brother was a sociopath and it would make sense that he married the same type of person. They really were very toxic together.
So napkins and salad make you hoity-toity, huh? Actually, I'm surprised they even use paper towels, from the sound of things. I figured their shirt sleeves were more convenient.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 10, 2014 10:39:33 GMT -5
Yes. If I look at DSM criteria, He does. Always been impulsive, always had anger issues, loves them hates them, always attempting to reinvent himself, needing to be constantly busy, needing something new to distract his attention, not comfortable with himself, drinking at times and using, uh, relationships, inappropriately in self harming manner.
He has diagnosed more than one ex as being split personality, which I see as him projecting his own dissociative tendencies.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 10, 2014 11:25:38 GMT -5
And, in case you were wondering, I'd guess by what I glean, although has never been stated to me directly, that he earned every inch of it the hard way.
I give my mother props, but I have to give my father some too. He wasn't as good as he could have been. He was absent a lot. But sometimes you can't escape the cycle in a single bound. Sometimes, you just throw the next generation as far from the sinkhole as you can...
There is a reason both my parents wanted to leave their homes enough to get pregnant at 16/18...
So when my mom suggests her parents shouldn't babysit. And my intoxicated father tells sardonic stories about my crazy old great grandmother through dead eyes... I just nod and say, gotcha, and try to accept, and be thankful for what I have...
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mollyanna58
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Post by mollyanna58 on Jun 10, 2014 11:35:52 GMT -5
So napkins and salad make you hoity-toity, huh? Actually, I'm surprised they even use paper towels, from the sound of things. I figured their shirt sleeves were more convenient. Tank tops don't have sleeves.
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Lizard Queen
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Post by Lizard Queen on Jun 10, 2014 11:36:07 GMT -5
Yes. If I look at DSM criteria, He does. Always been impulsive, always had anger issues, loves them hates them, always attempting to reinvent himself, needing to be constantly busy, needing something new to distract his attention, not comfortable with himself, drinking at times and using, uh, relationships, inappropriately in self harming manner. He has diagnosed more than one ex as being split personality, which I see as him projecting his own dissociative tendencies. Interesting... Millizard.. It was the quick intense attachment/enmeshment. plus his history of quick marriages, followed by disillusionment and divorce that prompted me. Thanks. That is interesting. I never quite understood the description before.
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Lizard Queen
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Post by Lizard Queen on Jun 10, 2014 11:38:57 GMT -5
And, in case you were wondering, I'd guess by what I glean, although has never been stated to me directly, that he earned every inch of it the hard way. I give my mother props, but I have to give my father some too. He wasn't as good as he could have been. He was absent a lot. But sometimes you can't escape the cycle in a single bound. Sometimes, you just throw the next generation as far from the sinkhole as you can... There is a reason both my parents wanted to leave their homes enough to get pregnant at 16/18... So when my mom suggests her parents shouldn't babysit. And my intoxicated father tells sardonic stories about my crazy old great grandmother through dead eyes... I just nod and say, gotcha, and try to accept, and be thankful for what I have... I kind of get what you're saying. I send my kids to daycare partly because of my introverted and depressive tendencies. For the extent that is due to nurture, I want my kids to be able to escape that somewhat. (My parents had difficult lives growing up during WW2. Even though my mother's family is from a jolly, sociable family, my upbringing was very different.)
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