zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jun 6, 2014 20:18:53 GMT -5
The best relationship I ever had with my mother was after I told her how I really felt about her and her behavior. She didnt like hearing it but I needed to say it. Considering she died about 8 months later, I could have been left with a lot of unresolved issues.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jun 6, 2014 20:19:28 GMT -5
Btw, every time she tried to spin or excuse herself, I called her on it.
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sheilaincali
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Post by sheilaincali on Jun 6, 2014 20:42:59 GMT -5
I'm going to work on taking your advice. Not leaving early. Pointing out his behavior in a calm manner. Etc. I'm also looking into different jobs. It'll likely mean a pay cut but honestly it would probably be worth it.
Ill try to get 10 minutes of dad's attention so I can talk to him about what's been going on and establish more firm boundaries
thank you all for letting me vent. I don't really get to talk like this in my rl. DH just wants me to find a different job.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jun 6, 2014 20:44:42 GMT -5
That's what we re here for. Seriously, I'm going to need hand holding myself because of the princess. Who by the way called and wants daddykins to pick her up from the bus tomorrow in the middle of the day, thereby ruining our day.
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Mardi Gras Audrey
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Post by Mardi Gras Audrey on Jun 6, 2014 20:52:18 GMT -5
I'm going to work on taking your advice. Not leaving early. Pointing out his behavior in a calm manner. Etc. I'm also looking into different jobs. It'll likely mean a pay cut but honestly it would probably be worth it. Ill try to get 10 minutes of dad's attention so I can talk to him about what's been going on and establish more firm boundaries thank you all for letting me vent. I don't really get to talk like this in my rl. DH just wants me to find a different job. Vent away... Like Zib mentioned, that's what we are here for. I know it is hard to wait until he acts like a jerk and then leave. It makes it seem like he has "won" (by running you off) and I'm sure that's how he feels better about himself. It makes it even harder when you love your parents and are trying to shield them from the drama/BS. Just remember that you don't care what he does and you have every right to be there for your parents and sister. Maybe if your parents have to deal with the fallout of his behavior, they won't be as quick to dismiss it and make excuses for it. If not, welll.... you will at least know you tried and that you showed them that you cared and wanted to spend time with them in peace.
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busymom
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Post by busymom on Jun 6, 2014 21:04:19 GMT -5
That's what we re here for. Seriously, I'm going to need hand holding myself because of the princess. Who by the way called and wants daddykins to pick her up from the bus tomorrow in the middle of the day, thereby ruining our day. I hope you're going along. The man was just in the hospital. Why don't you show up as the driver, & explain he wasn't feeling well? I think she's going to try to get more $$ when she thinks he's weak...
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busymom
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Post by busymom on Jun 6, 2014 21:06:11 GMT -5
Sheila, could you bring an iPad, & film him when he's acting like an a$$? Then play it back for him (and everyone else). Explain you're using it as an educational tool to show your DS how NOT to act.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jun 6, 2014 21:06:26 GMT -5
Nope, I'm not. But she isn't going to pull this again. If she does try it again, I will point out to DF that we are now a couple and her continued trying to see him separately is feeding her fantasy.
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taz157
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Post by taz157 on Jun 6, 2014 21:12:07 GMT -5
I wouldn't fix anything he screws up. You aren't his boss, right? When a client complains about him, recommend the client speak to your father directly. If an employee complains, don't make excuses, just nod your head and shrug your shoulders. Recommend that they speak to your Dad as well, as he is the boss.... Speaking as someone who has worked previously in a family business as an outsider, some customers will not want to tell the owner that their son is an idiot and that they won't deal with them anymore. I've had clients tell me that about my former boss's son, but they didn't want to say anything to the owner due to the family relationship. When I left the company last year, I did tell another member of the staff about a few clients that didn't want to work with him due to poor prior service. Also, I had already decided along time ago that I wouldn't stay if he ever took over the company too. With me leaving due to relocating, it made it much easier.
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taz157
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Post by taz157 on Jun 6, 2014 21:12:33 GMT -5
That's what we re here for. Seriously, I'm going to need hand holding myself because of the princess. Who by the way called and wants daddykins to pick her up from the bus tomorrow in the middle of the day, thereby ruining our day. I hope you're going along. The man was just in the hospital. Why don't you show up as the driver, & explain he wasn't feeling well? I think she's going to try to get more $$ when she thinks he's weak...
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jun 6, 2014 21:17:58 GMT -5
Her story is that she wants to see how he's doing. He says he doesn't buy it but I know he's hopeful she isn't being mercenary. He is trying to not be hopeful that she has comes to her senses. I think she's as trashy and as mercenary as her mother. She learned it from day one.
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Nazgul Girl
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Post by Nazgul Girl on Jun 7, 2014 8:17:35 GMT -5
Sheila, why in the world can't you and your family see your parents without your brother being present ? Why don't you just say to your mom and dad that " We'd like to take you guys out to the Red Lobster tonight " or something along those lines ? What's keeping that from happening ? DB doesn't have to be included in *everything*, does he ?
Most families with several siblings don't move in lockstep as yours seems to do.
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Nazgul Girl
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Post by Nazgul Girl on Jun 7, 2014 8:20:11 GMT -5
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jun 7, 2014 8:24:40 GMT -5
He finally just told me. I'm being okay about it but its not going to happen again. If she tries it again, ill put my foot down. Gives me chance to go clean his Dads headstone and order a new vase. His Dad's wife ordered one with a cross on it. DFs Dad was Jewish. Her final insult to his Dad. I'm going to get a new one for Dfs bd/fathers day gift.
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Nazgul Girl
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Post by Nazgul Girl on Jun 7, 2014 8:31:09 GMT -5
The rock is big enough and she's already seen it. She's pissed because her mothers wasnt as big or as of good of quality. She using her mothers now. Seems fiancé has no money. What a surprise that is. It isn't just women who marry for money. The fiancé is and so did DFs former stepson. Whoo - she's going to be surprised to find out what it's like to have a husband with no money . I'll bet she's going to be angry because he has no money, even though she knew up front that he has no money. Her standards are high, and take a lot of money. This reminds me of Kim Kardashian's wedding costs -wedding to Kris Humphries - $ 9 million, wedding to Kanye West, $ 2.3 million. At the end of her life, if she runs through her money, which is a distinct possibility, she'll be wishing she had been married in a dress from J.C. Penney and had rings that cost $ 795.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jun 7, 2014 8:34:42 GMT -5
She's got her own money but I guess she's been dipping into it. She wants to quit working to go to grad school but can't find one to take her! Now THAT'S funny! She's going to find out how fast her own money disappears if she keeps spending it like a drunken sailor. Wonder who she is trying to impress? Half the people invited are poor and will feel very uncomfortable at an affair like that one. She's already having to find places to rent and pay for them because her mothers side of the family can't afford $300 a night plus rooms. Wait until she gets no gift/cheap gifts!
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Nazgul Girl
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Post by Nazgul Girl on Jun 7, 2014 8:53:55 GMT -5
Money literally doesn't grow on trees. She'll find out soon enough. Her father is ill, and the days of his just handing out the dough coming to a close, because you're marrying him. I don't think that she should see him alone. She'll walk out of the visit with a huge check from him for her upcoming wedding and miscellaneous expenses.
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Nazgul Girl
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Post by Nazgul Girl on Jun 7, 2014 8:54:14 GMT -5
Sheila, I think that the rivals in your family's industry are well aware of the situation at the top of the company management. I am pretty sure that the bottom-feeders will be out, gradually hiring away talented employees, managers, site managers, and salesmen. There could even be someone who wants to buy the company when it's just a shadow of itself, once your brother takes it over and drives it into the ground. You're a key employee of the company.
Either you find other work, hopefully with a rival company, or you need to stop worrying about your dear mothers' feelings and failings, and unite with your father to drive your brother out of the company. If your father wants the family enterprise to survive, this is the time he needs to figure out what he needs to do for the family business, and who needs to put out ( also known as firing your brother ). You could even considering buying the company if it comes to that. I would talk it over with your DH, and find out if he's interested in the final push to fight for the company or not.
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resolution
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Post by resolution on Jun 7, 2014 8:59:55 GMT -5
I don't really see the harm in him giving her 10K or so for her wedding. It seems like a normal enough amount for a middle class family and it could give him some closure, like the changing of the guard where he hands her well-being over to her new husband. I know my dad was sure relieved when I got married, because he still felt responsible for me while I was single even though I was self supporting.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 7, 2014 9:11:35 GMT -5
Explain to me why you do all the work at the company, and brother is the one getting the keys?
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Nazgul Girl
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Post by Nazgul Girl on Jun 7, 2014 9:12:12 GMT -5
I don't really see the harm in him giving her 10K or so for her wedding. It seems like a normal enough amount for a middle class family and it could give him some closure, like the changing of the guard where he hands her well-being over to her new husband. I know my dad was sure relieved when I got married, because he still felt responsible for me while I was single even though I was self supporting. I don't think that there's anything wrong with that, either, but I think that his daughter will try to get tuition for grad school, a years' worth of living expenses, *and* money for the wedding, since she knows it's probably her last shot to wheedle $$ from her father.
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Nazgul Girl
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Post by Nazgul Girl on Jun 7, 2014 9:16:43 GMT -5
Explain to me why you do all the work at the company, and brother is the one getting the keys? This situation reminds me of moneymaven's a few months ago. She practically did everything at the company, and when she left, it virtually folded, or came to a standstill. Now, she's buying it from her former employers. Sheila, you're your father's daughter, with his drive and gene pool, and there's so much more going on here than a few miserable holidays, although those are bad enough. Your brother is trying to drive you out so that he will have "mommy and daddy" all to himself. His bullying is carefully calculated. He's breaking down the parents, and one of these days, you could hear that he's gotten your father to sign over everything to him. Just be aware. He's not just having these tantrums because he's mentally incapable. He's having them to intimidate everyone. He's probably quite smart, and has a long-term plan to take ahold of the company lock, stock and barrel.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 7, 2014 9:20:39 GMT -5
And when the company folds, he'll move in with mom and dad.
The only thing to do if dad wants long term stability is kick him to the curb now. Give you the business.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jun 7, 2014 11:25:53 GMT -5
Money literally doesn't grow on trees. She'll find out soon enough. Her father is ill, and the days of his just handing out the dough coming to a close, because you're marrying him. I don't think that she should see him alone. She'll walk out of the visit with a huge check from him for her upcoming wedding and miscellaneous expenses. It isn't a fight I'm going to win. She says JUMP, he says HOW HIGH on his way up. My mom told me that if we didnt make it, it'd be due to her and his relationship with her. I hate it hen she's right. She also told me not to marry ex and for the very reasons it ended. Crap.
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resolution
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Post by resolution on Jun 7, 2014 11:35:08 GMT -5
Just work on the idea that her husband will be responsible for her once she is married. It is old school, but seems like an old school kind of guy. Seems like he has a soft spot for the women in his life.
Sometimes hubby drives me crazy because he can be too nice and get taken advantage of by hucksters, but I have to remember that his niceness was part of his appeal in the first place.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Jun 7, 2014 13:02:43 GMT -5
I hate that that's how it is. I've suggested therapy to my dad several times. He says he'll think about it and then not do it. I've been trying to not stress him out so I don't say much to him about it. If I told him everything it would be a daily report of "this is what he did today""thus is who he offended ". "This is the list of customers we lost or employees that threatened to quit" etc. so I usually try to smooth out the ruffled feathers before he finds out and incur my brothers wrath to protect the other employees. You need an exit strategy and acceptance. Have you mourned the loss of a relationship with your parents? It's a really freaky thing, to do so, while they are alive. But through the grieving process you get to acceptance. Your parents will not change. Your brother will not change. It sounds like you are tired of doing the dance, and you are ready for change. It might do you some good to examine why you are still trying to have a relationship with your parents....Forgive me, but from an outsiders perspective, I don't really see that you are receiving a mutually beneficial relationship between you and your parents. Your parents are not owed access to your son, and your son doesn't need access to all the dysfunction. I pretty much grew up without grandparents, and trust me, that was the LEAST of my issues. My dad has done the same thing basically...he accepted poor treatment from my mom and didn't protect me from the receiving end of it. I talked to my last therapist about this. She framed Dad's behavior as a man supporting a wife, as men are supposed to do. A wife should not put all her kids before her husband; a husband should not put the kids before his wife. So, with view, my dad's behavior makes sense. Doesn't excuse it, but it makes sense.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 7, 2014 13:05:41 GMT -5
After reading this thread, i wanna beat your brother with a 2x4 and smack your parents for enabling him so much!!!
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taz157
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Post by taz157 on Jun 7, 2014 13:12:35 GMT -5
After reading this thread, i wanna beat your brother with a 2x4 and smack your parents for enabling him so much!!! Sooooooooooooooooo yeah that!
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sheilaincali
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Post by sheilaincali on Jun 7, 2014 19:43:03 GMT -5
My dad suggested a partnership between AHB and I but that just sounds like torture to me. We'd spend the bulk of every day arguing. There are two companies involved and I was offered the one I'm VP of but honestly it's just too much stress. I like the work but being responsible for the livelihoods of 25 men is too much pressure. That company will be sold when dad retires and the other will go to AHB. I could stay as long as I want but I don't want yo stay after dad retires
My parents are the only grandparents that DS really has. DH was encouraged by his therapist yo limit contact with his mother and we haven't seen her in like 6 years. DH is an only child and DS is her only grandchild. So essentially my family is he only family DS has. My folks are great grandparents when they are with DS it's just not as often as I'd like.
Fwiw we we have a very close relationship with the Boy. He is a wise kid and is aware of what goes on in my family. I try to shield him but at 16 he's pretty aware of things
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 7, 2014 21:03:26 GMT -5
There are two companies involved and I was offered the one I'm VP of but honestly it's just too much stress.
Is this recent? I would DEFINITELY decline the partnership with your bro. But if your dad's offer is recent, it sounds like maybe your dad is taking what you and your sis have been saying.
Sheila, your dad couldn't have gotten where he is today if he was stupid. So he's not stupid, he's just stupid about your brother.
You have invested a lot in his companies since you have worked there for many years. So if you wanted to stay where you are, and find a way to do that without having to deal with your bro, I'd consider it.
But if you'd have to continue to deal with your bro, or if you're looking forward to moving in two years when S is done with HS, I'd do that.
Unfortunately, we can't fix stupid, even when it's family. You need to do what's best for YOUR family.
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