midjd
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Post by midjd on Dec 15, 2013 18:05:51 GMT -5
One of my friends got married a couple of weeks ago. Invitations were sent out and DH and I RSVP-ed yes. After doing so, I found out I had some pregnancy complications that would require me to deliver early, and ended up with an unscheduled C-section after being induced at 39 weeks. That was on a Monday, and the wedding was that Saturday - we didn't make it.
My friend has complained several times (publicly and privately) about the number of no-shows and how much it cost them. I've apologized but she still seems mad. I suspect there were quite a few no-shows and don't think it's all directed at me, but I do feel bad that we couldn't make it.
I haven't yet sent the wedding card (we were going to gift cash). I know some believe the gift should cover the cost of the plate if the guests attend - what about those who miss it? The meal was $20 per person. I had planned to give $75 (when we were still assuming we'd be attending) but am now wondering if that's enough. How much would you gift in this situation?
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Peace Of Mind
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Post by Peace Of Mind on Dec 15, 2013 18:09:35 GMT -5
The amount sounds fair enough to me. I'd add a personal apology with a picture of your beautiful baby enclosed (separately from the wedding card). There is no way anybody could stay mad after seeing that angel! And your reasons for not going are more than legit IMO.
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JustLurkin
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Post by JustLurkin on Dec 15, 2013 18:12:19 GMT -5
My friend has complained several times (publicly and privately) about the number of no-shows and how much it cost them. <snip> The meal was $20 per person. Seriously? How many no shows did she have?
I would give whatever I originally planned to give. She should just be happy about the baby, and you the marriage...this sounds really petty. Which isn't a swipe at you...I just don't understand her fixation on it.
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Bonny
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Post by Bonny on Dec 15, 2013 18:15:13 GMT -5
Peace Of Mind said:
your reasons for not going are more than legit IMO.
Since you're not hurting financially I'd probably round it up to $100.
If she continues to harp on you knowing that you had a C-section a few days before the wedding I'd seriously think about finding another friend.
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Dec 15, 2013 18:27:40 GMT -5
You had major surgery. I seriously doubt her complaints include you. If you were sending her a gift anyway, I would stick with what you planned.
Typically I do think it is rude when people don't show up but that doesn't include someone that had a true, unexpected event (like birth!)
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steph08
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Post by steph08 on Dec 15, 2013 18:42:44 GMT -5
I would gift $75 - that sounds appropriate to me. Medical situations happen and you shouldn't be held responsible for that.
Here's a story for you. My cousin just got married. My other aunt/uncle/cousin/cousin's husband were driving down from Connecticut to Maryland for the wedding. However - the night before the wedding, my uncle was unexpectedly hospitalized with an infection that they couldn't get under control (might have had to have surgery to clean it out - thankfully didn't get that far). Needless to say, everyone wanted to stay with him so called and told my other aunt/uncle that they couldn't make it to cousin's wedding.
The mother of the groom is still pissed and said she won't talk to other aunt/uncle until they receive a gift that compensates for the dollar value of the food they didn't eat (which mother of the groom didn't even pay for). I never liked that aunt anyway and her attitude in this matter just confirms my previous stance.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Dec 15, 2013 18:43:03 GMT -5
It isn't only rude, it's expensive. But I think what you are doing is more than sufficient.
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Opti
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Post by Opti on Dec 15, 2013 18:43:58 GMT -5
I think she might be complaining to you because she wants to be heard and she feels you have a legitimate reason for not attending. I'd give her what you were planning to but I really like the idea of including a baby picture. You might want to kid her slightly in the card and say something like "I'm sorry we ended up being some of your no shows, but I hope you find the picture of our reason to be worth it as we do. May you have a blessed marriage ..." FWIW, we just had a significant snowstorm and when I went to the library the desk person complained at me "I wish I had called in sick. I think everyone comes here and the grocery store when any storm is in the weather report. Its like they have absolutely nothing to read or watch in the house. " I had a reaction probably like you are to your friend's complaining and I said something like, I'm sorry but I had stuff that was due today and stuff to pickup. She said, "Oh, I didn't mean you. You are a regular ...". So I agree with Miss T. She's probably complaining about the other no-shows. Odds are she's fine with you & your inducement. Next time you talk just ask her what excuses bothered her the most or something and she'll probably get over it. Or at least get closer. No worries.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 15, 2013 18:44:01 GMT -5
Often stuff like that is more about being hurt than mad. A lot of no shows at your wedding could make a person feel that they weren't important to people. More than your apology I bet she wants to hear how disappointed you are to have missed her wedding. I think you are absolutely fine sticking with the $75. As MT said, you had a serious medical issue come up. It's not you she's upset with.
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Dec 15, 2013 18:51:02 GMT -5
MidJD-give her what you planned on giving her as a gift. Also send her your medical/hospital records. That ought to quiet her up.
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Opti
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Post by Opti on Dec 15, 2013 18:52:40 GMT -5
Seasonal, good story. I think people seem to lose focus around weddings and things happen. I know I realized with my wedding planning long long ago is that not everybody is going to make it, people are going to cancel at the last minute and sometimes simply not show up. Its life.
I think that's why some politician once said something like you want to attend weddings and happy events for people but he always attended funerals because he felt it was more important. As much as we love to celebrate good times with people, most people instinctively are going to choose supporting someone in a medical crisis or dying over attending any happy milestone event like a wedding or graduation. If you are wrong about the medical crisis, you know you can't get that time back to be with the person or support your loved ones.
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ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ
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Post by ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ on Dec 15, 2013 19:00:59 GMT -5
Sounds like the bride is ticked - not at you directly ,but at the fact that there were so many no-shows.
I'd send a belated card with a gift card enclosed for any place she was registered so she can spend it as she sees fit for her new home. (Or a cheque, if there was no bridal registry).
I'd also include a picture of your new bundle of joy and write in the note "Sorry we missed your big day - as you can see, we were unexpectedly unable to attend - may you have many years of bliss".
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Works4me
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Post by Works4me on Dec 15, 2013 19:15:04 GMT -5
I too am hoping it was just general disappointment and not against you personally - in this day and age, an unexpected delivery is one of the few true emergencies left in life! I liked what Thankfulist said about sending a note and picture - also as Later and Scottish said, maybe expressing your regret at missing her wedding, her day - I know if it were me that would matter.
If money is not a problem, I might up it to $100 and if she was a close friend I might talk with her face to face. Beyond that and if she can't get over your reason for missing the event, unfortunately, not every friend is for life.
BTW, MID, never told you how beautiful Hannah is and how much I love her name - makes me want one, despite the fact I am single, turn 52 tomorrow and abhor sleep deprivation with a passion. Love and hugs and prayers for you and your family!
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midjd
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Post by midjd on Dec 15, 2013 19:49:49 GMT -5
Thanks for the responses - glad I wasn't completely off-base. I really need to get that card mailed out! Including a separate apology is a good idea.
I do think she is probably hurt at the number of no shows - she said it cost something like $700 for all the uneaten food, and then later mentioned the $20 per plate figure, so that is quite a few. Not sure how many were originally invited.
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milee
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Post by milee on Dec 15, 2013 19:51:28 GMT -5
The advice everybody's giving about the $ of the gift seems reasonable, but I'll break from the crowd on the idea of sending a picture of the baby. I'm sure she's gorgeous, but you don't want to be one of those people that turns everything into something about them. This is her wedding, your card and gift should be about her wedding, not your (totally awesome) event. If she's a friend or even just a halfway reasonable human being, she'll understand why you weren't there. Send her the wishes and gift you would have sent had your event not happened when it did, because this is still about her wedding.
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midjd
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Post by midjd on Dec 15, 2013 19:56:58 GMT -5
I
BTW, MID, never told you how beautiful Hannah is and how much I love her name - makes me want one, despite the fact I am single, turn 52 tomorrow and abhor sleep deprivation with a passion. Love and hugs and prayers for you and your family! Aww, thank you! She is a sweetheart for sure.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 15, 2013 20:18:11 GMT -5
Hi Mid! I agree on how gorgeous Hannah is (per the WIR thread). Congratulations again!
I think that is very generous of you. It sounds like she had a lot of no-shows, but I'm sure few people, if any, had your excuse. That sounds like bad judgement / planning on her part.
If this person is important to you, in addition to the cash gift, you could always pick up a bottle of wine, or champagne, or flowers, or chocolate, IF either you / DH are delivering the gift in person. Or round it up to $100 if that is easier for you.
Personally, I think SHE owes YOU an apology for grouping you in with the other 35 people who RSVP'd yes and didn't make it! Did they / their spouses all give birth that week too?! Again, it sounds like bad judgement / planning on her part, and that is NOT your fault or responsibility.
It is NOT your fault that she had 35 no-shows. She did something (very) wrong.
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Cookies Galore
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Post by Cookies Galore on Dec 15, 2013 20:33:48 GMT -5
Thanks for the responses - glad I wasn't completely off-base. I really need to get that card mailed out! Including a separate apology is a good idea. I do think she is probably hurt at the number of no shows - she said it cost something like $700 for all the uneaten food, and then later mentioned the $20 per plate figure, so that is quite a few. Not sure how many were originally invited. Holy shit! I was thinking how cheap $20 a plate was and then I saw the tab they were stuck with. How rude of those people (who don't have legit excuses)! I think having a C-section in the same week as a wedding is one of the most legitimate reasons not to go to a wedding. I had what I thought was a close friend bail on our wedding and he still hasn't apologized. Friendship is over. It's not that he bailed on us, it's that he claimed he was sick, stuck another friend with the hotel room bill (they made plans to share a room), and the next day posted a video on facebook from some kids birthday party. Fuck that. A lot of money was wasted on that asshat.
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JustLurkin
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Post by JustLurkin on Dec 15, 2013 20:39:13 GMT -5
Wow, 35 no shows! I assumed you were talking about 4 or 5. Was there a snowstorm or something, that's crazy.
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Plain Old Petunia
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Post by Plain Old Petunia on Dec 16, 2013 0:20:55 GMT -5
Often stuff like that is more about being hurt than mad. A lot of no shows at your wedding could make a person feel that they weren't important to people. More than your apology I bet she wants to hear how disappointed you are to have missed her wedding. I think you are absolutely fine sticking with the $75. As MT said, you had a serious medical issue come up. It's not you she's upset with. I think so, too. Mid, include something in the note like "I was so disappointed to have to miss your wedding. I'm looking forward to seeing the pics."
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Opti
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Post by Opti on Dec 16, 2013 4:15:24 GMT -5
Mid, I checked your old posts and timing wise it seems she made a tactical planning error getting married on the Saturday of Thanksgiving weekend. People often end up visiting family on the long weekend plus around here quite a few brick and mortar retailers had different things on sale Friday, Saturday and Sunday. She probably thought the long weekend would make it a good choice, but Thanksgiving weekend is usually about family commitments and shopping. Plus if people pick up seasonal jobs they are often required to work that weekend.
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sunshinegal1981
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Post by sunshinegal1981 on Dec 16, 2013 7:14:21 GMT -5
The advice everybody's giving about the $ of the gift seems reasonable, but I'll break from the crowd on the idea of sending a picture of the baby. I'm sure she's gorgeous, but you don't want to be one of those people that turns everything into something about them. This is her wedding, your card and gift should be about her wedding, not your (totally awesome) event. If she's a friend or even just a halfway reasonable human being, she'll understand why you weren't there. Send her the wishes and gift you would have sent had your event not happened when it did, because this is still about her wedding. Completely agree with this. I would skip the baby pic.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Dec 16, 2013 7:55:32 GMT -5
I only had two no-shows, after they made a big too doo about coming and the present they were buying. Never bought the present or apologized even. Fortunately, it was only around $50 as I recall. Still, very rude. If they'd have had a baby or a medical issue, I'd have totally understood. Bride may feel unhappy at the amount of empty places at her reception as well as maybe she only could invite a set amount and had others she would have liked to have had, if only she had known. It's not about you, it's about the insult. Make no bones about it, saying you're coming and not showing up is an insult. You have a very good reason, she knows it, but she is telling you, her friend, how hurt she was by those she thought were also friends.
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yogiii
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Post by yogiii on Dec 16, 2013 8:09:09 GMT -5
I don't think you should send a picture either. Most people without kids don't really find babies cute and she probably doesn't realize the extent of what "I had an unplanned c-section" means. I think sending a card with your original gift amount is fine and just add in a note of how sorry you are that you had to bail and how you can't wait to see the pictures.
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Cookies Galore
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Post by Cookies Galore on Dec 16, 2013 9:04:59 GMT -5
Mid, I checked your old posts and timing wise it seems she made a tactical planning error getting married on the Saturday of Thanksgiving weekend. People often end up visiting family on the long weekend plus around here quite a few brick and mortar retailers had different things on sale Friday, Saturday and Sunday. She probably thought the long weekend would make it a good choice, but Thanksgiving weekend is usually about family commitments and shopping. Plus if people pick up seasonal jobs they are often required to work that weekend. What kind of a social reject RSVPs for a wedding knowing they won't be going because of the Thanksgiving holiday? And what's with all the weird line breaks in your posts lately? I've been wanting to ask.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 16, 2013 9:21:28 GMT -5
I missed standing up in one of my sisters' wedding because DD decided to enter the world the day before! The wedding couple handled it well -- they took a cutout from the bar area and the guy I was supposed to stand up with walked out with it when they announced the wedding party. DH attended the reception so we were teechnically only a 1/2 of a no-show.
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The Captain
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Post by The Captain on Dec 16, 2013 9:34:57 GMT -5
I think in your case she understands.
I can see her point. For my wedding we reserved a smaller room and sent out invitations. Then two cousing wanted to bring their boyfriends which would have put us over the max for the room we reserved. I said no, there was a big family bruhaha and Grandma calling me in tears saying she couldn't come if her other grandchildren weren't welcome (um no they were, just not the flavor of the month they were dating).
At my Mom's request I caved and reserved the bigger room needing to pay for an additional 20 plates for, wait for it, one additional person beyond the original room limit. I seem to recall it was around $30 a plate.
Then on the day of our wedding said cousins didn't even bother showing (one was in a volleyball tournament - did I mention they were in HS?). There was other stuff involved from that side of the family that I won't cover, but yea - those two no shows cost me over $600.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 16, 2013 9:40:39 GMT -5
I would have been livid, captain!
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Dec 16, 2013 9:57:00 GMT -5
I missed standing up in one of my sisters' wedding because DD decided to enter the world the day before! The wedding couple handled it well -- they took a cutout from the bar area and the guy I was supposed to stand up with walked out with it when they announced the wedding party. DH attended the reception so we were teechnically only a 1/2 of a no-show. OMG, I love it!!!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 16, 2013 10:00:10 GMT -5
Mid, I checked your old posts and timing wise it seems she made a tactical planning error getting married on the Saturday of Thanksgiving weekend. People often end up visiting family on the long weekend plus around here quite a few brick and mortar retailers had different things on sale Friday, Saturday and Sunday. She probably thought the long weekend would make it a good choice, but Thanksgiving weekend is usually about family commitments and shopping. Plus if people pick up seasonal jobs they are often required to work that weekend. then those people should have RSVP'd no. Sorry, but barring a major emergency (like Mid), if you RSVP that you're planning to attend something, then good manners dictates that you attend.
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