NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Dec 16, 2013 16:47:27 GMT -5
I'd rather have people RSVP yes, hoping to go, and be able to provide a plate and place for them, then have the majority of them say no way in advance because the holidays are a busy time of year
If you have unlimited funds or maybe 1-2 people who are "maybes" sure this works. But most of us had a set budget for our wedding. 33 no-shows would have been a serious blow to our budget. I wouldn't say anything to you but I'd be pissed to lose that much money. Which I have a right to be just as you have a right to decide you have better things to do. While yes if you didn't call me till 24-48 hrs beforehand I still have to eat the money at least you called. Not calling tells me not only am I not important enough for you to attend after you said yes but I'm also so unimportant that you can't even bother with a simple message stating you can't come. I'd rather someone do the polite and proper thing and decline ahead of time rather than hold out that nothing better will come up. That's why I give you so much advanced notice. But apparently I'm horribly old fashioned and out of date with that concept.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 16, 2013 16:50:30 GMT -5
"I'm of the opinion you would notify the bride or someone like the bride's mother as soon as reasonable once you realized you wouldn't be able to attend. Technically though, you'd still be a no show."
Yes technically you would be a no show but at least you can give your excuse to the bride. That is assuming it is better than you don't feel like it or you have a better event to go to because otherwise the call does not do anything.
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sarcasticgirl
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Post by sarcasticgirl on Dec 16, 2013 16:50:56 GMT -5
I'd rather have people RSVP yes, hoping to go, and be able to provide a plate and place for them, then have the majority of them say no way in advance because the holidays are a busy time of year. Shit happens, and is much more likely to happen during the holidays. It's much more difficult to find extra places for people at a wedding if they can come at the last minute than to have the overcapacity in place. so then, what in the world is the point of an RSVP?!?!
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Post by Deleted on Dec 16, 2013 16:52:48 GMT -5
"so then, what in the world is the point of an RSVP?!?! " Exactly! I think in that case you write "No RSVP required" on the invitation, which is outside of the topic here.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Dec 16, 2013 16:54:22 GMT -5
so then, what in the world is the point of an RSVP?!?!
Poops and giggles?
One of the things that I really struggle with on this board is the expectation of perfection 100% of the time.
You must have missed where I said a week before the wedding DH's cousin called us to tell us she was going from a yes to a maybe. We couldn't change the headcount so it was what it was. We rolled with it.
But we appreciated her calling because on the off chance we could have changed things, we could have done so.
That's the whole damn point of an RSVP. Is I give you notification of an event. In turn you tell me if you can or cannot attend. In the event of a situation where I need a headcount the proper thing to do is notify the host ASAP so if possible they can change plans.
An informal dinner party at my house I don't give a flying fuck. But if I'm hosting and paying for a formal event like a wedding I'd appreciate if my guests would educate themselves and follow proper manners barring emergencies like a birth.
Your family deciding the day before to host Thanksgiving gives you 24 hrs to call me. I'm still out the money but you should at least call to decline and express regrets. Don't just not show up and leave me wondering what happened.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 16, 2013 17:00:45 GMT -5
"To have a general headcount for the caterer. If more people RSVP than actually come then you have the max number of guests that will likely show. It's easier to deal with less guests than expected than more when it comes to hiring a catering company. Most places have limits on the max number of guests, not the minimum. "
I thought RSVP is not for general head count but rather an accurate head count. Of course, there can be people who miss out but 35 people is too many. Yes the location will have a maximum limit, not minimum. But the point is not about what the place can hold, it is about courtesy and bride/groom paying for no-shows. And realistically I don't think there will be too many, if any, guests that will show up who did not already RSVP yes to an event or who didn't clear with the bride prior to showing up.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Dec 16, 2013 17:03:30 GMT -5
To have a general headcount for the caterer.
So we invited 150 people. We had about 80 attend. I should pay for 150 "just in case"?
The purpose of an RSVP is so I know who is coming and who isn't. We had a buffet and the rule of thumb is 20-2% extra to make sure you have enough so we wouldn't have run out of food if a few people "crashed".
The PRICE difference was over $400 between the original estimate and the final headcount. I'm supposed to eat $400 just because you're too uncomfortable with declining the invite and instead RSVP yes then don't show because "hey shit happens?"
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sarcasticgirl
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Post by sarcasticgirl on Dec 16, 2013 17:05:17 GMT -5
To have a general headcount for the caterer. If more people RSVP than actually come then you have the max number of guests that will likely show. It's easier to deal with less guests than expected than more when it comes to hiring a catering company. Most places have limits on the max number of guests, not the minimum. Yes, but you have to pay for every meal, every drink and the chair they sit in. If 20 of your 80 guests don't show it is a huge WASTE of time, money, food, etc.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Dec 16, 2013 17:12:42 GMT -5
We were very lucky that our caterer asked us for a final count two days before. Plus, older and wiser heads told me to count on ten per cent not coming even when thy said they would. They were close to right.
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sarcasticgirl
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Post by sarcasticgirl on Dec 16, 2013 17:21:41 GMT -5
It's not that something better will come up but that people's lives are complicated and especially so at the holidays. It can be expensive to attend a wedding. You have to juggle your family's needs. It might be harder to find a babysitter.
One of the things that I really struggle with on this board is the expectation of perfection 100% of the time. Sometimes people just fuck up. I expect people to mess it up so I try to make it as easy as possible for them. I'm sure the guests probably didn't mean to be rude. They had no way of knowing who else was going and how many were going to bail. We really don't know how many were no shows and how many declined in the last week or two.
I know my friends well enough that if they bail at the last minute for an event I usually know why and understand.
Receiving an invitation does not automatically commit you to attending... if you feel that you cannot commit and actually honor your commitment then why can't you just SAY NO?
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Post by Deleted on Dec 16, 2013 17:26:08 GMT -5
"To have a general headcount for the caterer. If more people RSVP than actually come then you have the max number of guests that will likely show. It's easier to deal with less guests than expected than more when it comes to hiring a catering company. Most places have limits on the max number of guests, not the minimum. " I thought RSVP is not for general head count but rather an accurate head count. Of course, there can be people who miss out but 35 people is too many. Yes the location will have a maximum limit, not minimum. But the point is not about what the place can hold, it is about courtesy and bride/groom paying for no-shows. And realistically I don't think there will be too many, if any, guests that will show up who did not already RSVP yes to an event or who didn't clear with the bride prior to showing up. yes, when you're having a sit down dinner and you tell the caterer x people are coming, you are paying for x people. maybe paying for x and having x-15 show up when it's punch and cookies in the church basement isn't a big deal moneywise (still rude and inconsiderate) but when you're paying a lot of money for a sit down dinner it adds up. My wedding was a sit-down dinner at $70 a pop in 1990 (and I looked at at least 10 places and that was by far the cheapest).
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Dec 16, 2013 17:27:03 GMT -5
Because that would require manners and courtesy.
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Green Eyed Lady
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Post by Green Eyed Lady on Dec 16, 2013 17:27:21 GMT -5
It's not that something better will come up but that people's lives are complicated and especially so at the holidays. It can be expensive to attend a wedding. You have to juggle your family's needs. It might be harder to find a babysitter.
One of the things that I really struggle with on this board is the expectation of perfection 100% of the time. Sometimes people just fuck up. I expect people to mess it up so I try to make it as easy as possible for them. I'm sure the guests probably didn't mean to be rude. They had no way of knowing who else was going and how many were going to bail. We really don't know how many were no shows and how many declined in the last week or two.
I know my friends well enough that if they bail at the last minute for an event I usually know why and understand.
I agree, Anne, that nobody is perfect 100% of the time. I'm lucky if I'm behaving 1% of the time. It still stands that if a person responds with a "yes" and they don't show up, excepting some big emergency, they are being rude and inconsiderate. Excusing oneself by saying "Well? Nobody is perfect." doesn't make it any less so. Knowing the friend will understand bailing doesn't make it any less rude and inconsiderate. It is still rude and inconsiderate. IMO. I've been wrong before.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 16, 2013 17:29:20 GMT -5
It's not that something better will come up but that people's lives are complicated and especially so at the holidays. It can be expensive to attend a wedding. You have to juggle your family's needs. It might be harder to find a babysitter.
One of the things that I really struggle with on this board is the expectation of perfection 100% of the time. Sometimes people just fuck up. I expect people to mess it up so I try to make it as easy as possible for them. I'm sure the guests probably didn't mean to be rude. They had no way of knowing who else was going and how many were going to bail. We really don't know how many were no shows and how many declined in the last week or two.
I know my friends well enough that if they bail at the last minute for an event I usually know why and understand.
I'm sorry, but I don't think expecting 100% perfection when it comes to RSVP'ing for an event and attending if you say yes, isn't really that hard to achieve. if your family events always take precedence over your friends, then I imagine you are not invited to a lot of events. and again, I don't get this be all and end all of family - even if you're close, always dropping other things to be at some family event has to get old for your friends.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Dec 16, 2013 17:29:24 GMT -5
But you aren't this time, period.
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Opti
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Post by Opti on Dec 16, 2013 17:31:04 GMT -5
Got a question for the board peeps. You get any invitation to a wedding and get six weeks notice. You need a baby sitter. Do you find one before you RSVP yes? If the babysitter cancels how many fallback options do you have?
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Dec 16, 2013 17:31:20 GMT -5
I've got to start quoting. Someone always posts before I'm done answering the previous post. Back in the olden days, polite people actually wrote a response and affixed their OWN postage stamp!
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Peace Of Mind
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Post by Peace Of Mind on Dec 16, 2013 17:36:17 GMT -5
I'd rather have people RSVP yes, hoping to go, and be able to provide a plate and place for them, then have the majority of them say no way in advance because the holidays are a busy time of year. Shit happens, and is much more likely to happen during the holidays. It's much more difficult to find extra places for people at a wedding if they can come at the last minute than to have the overcapacity in place. so then, what in the world is the point of an RSVP?!?! and I agree that it's total b.s. that you don't know what you are doing in 8 weeks. If you RSVP to an event in 8 weeks THAT is what you are doing at that given time because you committed to it! Unless it's an emergency like Mid's was then you should show up or give proper notice that you can't go and in a timely matter. I also agree the price is not a factor here. Manners are.
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sarcasticgirl
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Post by sarcasticgirl on Dec 16, 2013 17:36:38 GMT -5
Got a question for the board peeps. You get any invitation to a wedding and get six weeks notice. You need a baby sitter. Do you find one before you RSVP yes? If the babysitter cancels how many fallback options do you have? I don't have kids, but if the wedding isn't local... I find a sitter for the dog before committing. We always have 1 fall back, though it is wildly inconvenient for us.
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Green Eyed Lady
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Post by Green Eyed Lady on Dec 16, 2013 17:40:10 GMT -5
Can't you just leave them at home? With the dog?
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Opti
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Post by Opti on Dec 16, 2013 17:40:28 GMT -5
"I'm sorry, but I don't think expecting 100% perfection when it comes to RSVP'ing for an event and attending if you say yes, is really that hard to achieve."
I disagree. That's why I like Zib's post about the 10% fudge factor. I think its a very rare wedding where everyone who initially responds yes actually shows up. I think if you give say 8 weeks notice you are more likely to have the number go up, not down because more can happen in 8 weeks than might happen in say 3 or 4.
People get sick, get laid off, families have medical emergencies, and perhaps all the available baby sitters become unavailable for that particular date and time. I think its OK to expect 100% of yourself if you choose to. I think expecting 100% from everyone else leads to disappointment.
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milee
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Post by milee on Dec 16, 2013 17:41:28 GMT -5
Got a question for the board peeps. You get any invitation to a wedding and get six weeks notice. You need a baby sitter. Do you find one before you RSVP yes? If the babysitter cancels how many fallback options do you have? If the invite is 6-8 weeks out, I would RSVP yes knowing I'd probably be able to get a sitter. If it were less than 2 weeks out, I'd find a sitter before RSVPing. from 2-4 it's a judgment call depending on the time of year. We weren't heavy users of sitters, but I'd always have at least 2 that I used regularly enough that they knew us and knew we paid really well. It was worth the extra $$$ to have some good sitters that were willing to drop everything to come over and watch the boys.
I didn't have many fallback options, but for a family emergency could definitely call a friend. For something like a wedding invite, I probably wouldn't ask a friend to watch the kids, though. DH doesn't like social events much and would probably end up staying home with the kids while I went out in the rare case of a sitter cancelling. That never happened for something like a wedding, but it did for a few parties. I let the hostess know as soon as I knew that only one of us would be making it.
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sarcasticgirl
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Post by sarcasticgirl on Dec 16, 2013 17:43:20 GMT -5
"I'm sorry, but I don't think expecting 100% perfection when it comes to RSVP'ing for an event and attending if you say yes, is really that hard to achieve." I disagree. That's why I like Zib's post about the 10% fudge factor. I think its a very rare wedding where everyone who initially responds yes actually shows up. I think if you give say 8 weeks notice you are more likely to have the number go up, not down because more can happen in 8 weeks than might happen in say 3 or 4. People get sick, get laid off, families have medical emergencies, and perhaps all the available baby sitters become unavailable for that particular date and time. I think its OK to expect 100% of yourself if you choose to. I think expecting 100% from everyone else leads to disappointment. how would one work out a 10% fudge factor when it comes to chairs and tables and plated dinners? A buffet gives you a little room for error... but I have gotten many invites that have a menu option... you can't fudge that.
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Green Eyed Lady
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Post by Green Eyed Lady on Dec 16, 2013 17:43:41 GMT -5
I would probably give myself a "fudge factor" also. Still doesn't excuse the fudgers for being rude and inconsiderate.
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milee
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Post by milee on Dec 16, 2013 17:47:07 GMT -5
Can't you just leave them at home? With the dog? Now that they're a little older (13 and 9), I can. But that doesn't mean the house is going to look remotely the same as when I left it.
A couple of months ago, the little one got very excited when describing what a great night they'd had when we (DH and I) were out. His eyes lit up and he squealed, "Mom, we got to ride the scooters - IN THE HOUSE!!!"
And last time we were getting ready to go out, the little guy appeared in my room and was buckling on his helmet while innocently inquiring, "So, when are you leaving, Mom?"
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sarcasticgirl
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Post by sarcasticgirl on Dec 16, 2013 17:48:00 GMT -5
No one is perfect... we all need a little fudge room. I have missed a wedding before. I was 19. I took some allergy medicine and my quick nap turned into a 4 hour snooze. I felt completely horrible but was at the mother of the groom's house the next day with my gift and an apology. Even at 19 I knew not showing up was disrespectful and rude, not to mention I was really upset that I missed the wedding of one of my oldest friends.
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Green Eyed Lady
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Post by Green Eyed Lady on Dec 16, 2013 17:50:42 GMT -5
Can't you just leave them at home? With the dog? Now that they're a little older (13 and 9), I can. But that doesn't mean the house is going to look remotely the same as when I left it.
A couple of months ago, the little one got very excited when describing what a great night they'd had when we (DH and I) were out. His eyes lit up and he squealed, "Mom, we got to ride the scooters - IN THE HOUSE!!!"
And last time we were getting ready to go out, the little guy appeared in my room and was buckling on his helmet while innocently inquiring, "So, when are you leaving, Mom?"
How cute! That's the kind of babysitter I'd be! I was teasing, Milee. I don't have kids. I don't have any idea how old they have to be before it would be ok to leave them home alone.
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sarcasticgirl
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Post by sarcasticgirl on Dec 16, 2013 17:53:03 GMT -5
I want to ride scooters in the house!
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Dec 16, 2013 17:54:40 GMT -5
You get any invitation to a wedding and get six weeks notice. You need a baby sitter. Do you find one before you RSVP yes? If the babysitter cancels how many fallback options do you have
Yes. If it falls thru I try to find another. If I cannot then I call the bride or groom as soon as humanly possible to inform them I am not coming. Hopefully they can change the headcount. If they cannot then at least I let them know I am not coming and why.
I would NEVER just not show up and say "Well they were out the cost anyhow and it isn't my responsibility. Shit happens".
I'm an inconvience but at least I'm not adding on inconsiderate and rude. Calling lets the couple know that I at least care enough to call and inform them of the change of plans. Not calling and not showing is a slap in the face.
DH's cousin was almost a no show and one of my best friends ended up a no show. But they both let me know as soon as they could. I might not have recouped the money spent but the call was appreciated.
I also had 3-4 people decline due to potential conflicts. They each wrote me a lovely note which wasn't expected but appreciated.
Im glad people I invited knew what an RSVP means. We still had "shit happen" but we were able to roll with it.
The one person I don't speak to never called me back after I asked him to be in my wedding. that was a huge slap in the face. I told him after being friends since HS he at least could have the balls to call me and tell me he didn't want to be in my wedding. I would have understood. The no contact at all was extremely hurtful.
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milee
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Post by milee on Dec 16, 2013 17:56:09 GMT -5
That's the kind of babysitter I'd be! I was teasing, Milee. I don't have kids. I don't have any idea how old they have to be before it would be ok to leave them home alone. Don't tell the little boogers, but I really don't mind the scooter thing all that much as long as nothing was broken and nobody was hurt. No harm, no foul. And some of our favorite babysitters were the teenage sons of friends. The teen boys were terrible about cleaning up, but our boys would all have so much fun it was worth it. We'd get home and find them all sleeping in a pile in the living room, completely exhausted from playing soccer and inventing new Wii characters.
Letting them stay by themselves is less a function of age and more of maturity and personality, IMHO. But I'm sure as heck not a parenting expert and you know from my other post that my boys ride the scooters IN THE HOUSE when I'm gone, so maybe that's not the right approach.
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