Missed wedding after RSVPing yes - how much $ to give?

[sarcasticgirl]

Dec 16, 2013 14:01:54 GMT -5 @anne81 said:

I don't think it's nice to RSVP and not show up but it's also really difficult to pin down plans on Thanksgiving weekend, at least it has been for me.  A lot of people are trying to organize meeting their families that weekend, which means somehow wrangling different groups of people into agreeing on a time and date.  From what I've seen many people don't have a firm idea of their plans until that week which is usually too late to substantially change the head count for a wedding caterer.

The holidays are a crazy time. People overbook, it's hard to wrangle everyone into agreeing on a meeting time/place, people get sick.  I feel bad for the bride but it's not surprising that this happened either.

if you can't pin down plans then you decline. it is plain and simple. 

[swamp]

Dec 16, 2013 15:13:12 GMT -5 sarcasticgirl said:

Dec 16, 2013 14:01:54 GMT -5 @anne81 said:

I don't think it's nice to RSVP and not show up but it's also really difficult to pin down plans on Thanksgiving weekend, at least it has been for me.  A lot of people are trying to organize meeting their families that weekend, which means somehow wrangling different groups of people into agreeing on a time and date.  From what I've seen many people don't have a firm idea of their plans until that week which is usually too late to substantially change the head count for a wedding caterer.

The holidays are a crazy time. People overbook, it's hard to wrangle everyone into agreeing on a meeting time/place, people get sick.  I feel bad for the bride but it's not surprising that this happened either.

if you can't pin down plans then you decline. it is plain and simple. 

Amen.

[tloonya]

Dec 15, 2013 18:05:51 GMT -5 midjd said:

One of my friends got married a couple of weeks ago. Invitations were sent out and DH and I RSVP-ed yes. After doing so, I found out I had some pregnancy complications that would require me to deliver early, and ended up with an unscheduled C-section after being induced at 39 weeks. That was on a Monday, and the wedding was that Saturday - we didn't make it.

My friend has complained several times (publicly and privately) about the number of no-shows and how much it cost them. I've apologized but she still seems mad. I suspect there were quite a few no-shows and don't think it's all directed at me, but I do feel bad that we couldn't make it.

I haven't yet sent the wedding card (we were going to gift cash). I know some believe the gift should cover the cost of the plate if the guests attend - what about those who miss it? The meal was $20 per person. I had planned to give $75 (when we were still assuming we'd be attending) but am now wondering if that's enough. How much would you gift in this situation?

Are you kidding me?
YOU had some pregnancy complications that would require YOU to deliver early, and YOU ended up with an unscheduled C-section after being induced at 39 weeks. That was on a Monday, and the wedding was that Saturday - and YOU didn't make it.

AND your "FRIEND" is bitching about cost? Now I see why there were a lot of no-shows!!! I would send her a card with finger extended
far enough so she can understand this is not a friend's behavior when your friend getting a baby in risky circumstances I would call and thank you for taking care of your child and nevermind my happy occasion! Because you were DELIVERING baby and she was just getting married! I bet when she will have a baby you will her for a lots of reasons if you not gonna her now!!!

[tloonya]

Let's say grandma RSVP'd that she will attend and she died! Would bride be...ticked off?

[swamp]

Dec 16, 2013 15:14:45 GMT -5 @anne81 said:

Then you call the couple and inform them you're no longer coming. If possible you should always do this within the window where they have time to make adjustments (which is again why invitations go out so early!) and if not you apologize for the last minute cancellation and any inconvience it might cause.

You don't just not show up. That's incredibly rude.

I'm not sure they didn't just not show up. It depends on what the bride means by no shows - did they RSVP yes and then cancel in the last week, after the final head count for the caterer was due? I seem to recall that I'd paid the caterer in full weeks before the event. At that point it didn't matter if people didn't come or not to the final cost.  They had their own employee schedules to arrange based on head count.

No show to me means "said they were coming and didn't show up."

[swamp]

Dec 16, 2013 15:16:15 GMT -5 tloonya said:

Let's say grandma RSVP'd that she will attend and she died! Would bride be...ticked off?

Not if she sent a check before she died.

[sarcasticgirl]

Dec 16, 2013 15:00:05 GMT -5 @anne81 said:

 If your family is spread all over then wouldn't that be pretty hard to have last minute plans. I can't imagine someone overseas suddenly telling you on thursday that they are flying in that afternoon. I live 1000+ miles away from my family and that warrants planning weeks if not months ahead of time. 

[swamp]

Dec 16, 2013 15:18:58 GMT -5 @anne81 said:

It sucks, it's rude, but if you expect people to show up at a wedding then you don't schedule it at an inconvenient time/place. Courtesy goes both ways and I don't see this bride showing a lot of courtesy for her guests by scheduling at a really bad time of year.

The bride didn't say that she's sad that her friends didn't share her special day.  She said that she was irritated by how much money she was out. 

Every time is inconvenient for somebody.

Frankly, I'd be pissed about the amount of money I'm out too if the guests just blew me off, as well as hurt they didn't want to share the special day.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

I seem to recall that I'd paid the caterer in full weeks before the event. At that point it didn't matter if people didn't come or not to the final cost

I had to finailze two weeks ahead of time.  So while I would have still had to eat the costs I'd appreciate them calling me and informing me they can't come.  DH's cousin called after we couldn't change plans.  We were fine with it and you know why?  Because she had the courtesy to call us and let us know in case we COULD change plans.

I would not have been happy if people just didn't show up and I expected them to.   It's a slap in the face that you can't even be bothered to pick up the phone and cancel.   You have no idea if I can change my plans or not by the time you call, I might still be able to. 

Day of the wedding I'm completely screwed.  You should call ASAP and apologize for the no-show.

It's called manners.  It amazes me that since it costs you nothing it's completely acceptable to bail and leave everyone wondering where you were at.

[NancysSummerSip]

Dec 16, 2013 15:14:42 GMT -5 tloonya said:

Dec 15, 2013 18:05:51 GMT -5 midjd said:

One of my friends got married a couple of weeks ago. Invitations were sent out and DH and I RSVP-ed yes. After doing so, I found out I had some pregnancy complications that would require me to deliver early, and ended up with an unscheduled C-section after being induced at 39 weeks. That was on a Monday, and the wedding was that Saturday - we didn't make it.

My friend has complained several times (publicly and privately) about the number of no-shows and how much it cost them. I've apologized but she still seems mad. I suspect there were quite a few no-shows and don't think it's all directed at me, but I do feel bad that we couldn't make it.

I haven't yet sent the wedding card (we were going to gift cash). I know some believe the gift should cover the cost of the plate if the guests attend - what about those who miss it? The meal was $20 per person. I had planned to give $75 (when we were still assuming we'd be attending) but am now wondering if that's enough. How much would you gift in this situation?

Are you kidding me?
YOU had some pregnancy complications that would require YOU to deliver early, and YOU ended up with an unscheduled C-section after being induced at 39 weeks. That was on a Monday, and the wedding was that Saturday - and YOU didn't make it.

AND your "FRIEND" is bitching about cost? Now I see why there were a lot of no-shows!!! I would send her a card with finger extended
far enough so she can understand this is not a friend's behavior when your friend getting a baby in risky circumstances I would call and thank you for taking care of your child and nevermind my happy occasion! Because you were DELIVERING baby and she was just getting married! I bet when she will have a baby you will her for a lots of reasons if you not gonna her now!!!

Whoa. I am so getting out of TLoony's way today. Talk about telling it like it is.

[tloonya]

Dec 16, 2013 13:31:06 GMT -5 ArchietheDragon said:

Dec 16, 2013 13:27:54 GMT -5 sarcasticgirl said:

It isn't just weddings (I don't give a rats ass about weddings and if I had had my way- I'd have eloped). I would have the same complaint if there were a bunch of No shows to a dinner party or some other event. It is absolutely rude. some people should take weddings and other RSVP events MORE seriously.  

My buddy used to buy the pay per view UFC fights and invite people over to watch them.  He finally got so pissed at all the no shows that he no longer does it.

Don't you have to make sure people want to come and watch something with you and are available?
And how many times your friend had mentioned during the watch how much he paid for the pleasure?

[Green Eyed Lady]

Dec 16, 2013 15:18:58 GMT -5 @anne81 said:

It sucks, it's rude, but if you expect people to show up at a wedding then you don't schedule it at an inconvenient time/place. Courtesy goes both ways and I don't see this bride showing a lot of courtesy for her guests by scheduling at a really bad time of year.

The bride didn't say that she's sad that her friends didn't share her special day.  She said that she was irritated by how much money she was out. 

It may have been an important date for her.  Perhaps she wanted to get married on her parents' anniversary.  Perhaps they both have jobs where the couldn't get much time off and they incorporated into a long weekend.  Perhaps she wanted to invite those she cared about but totally would have understood if they had to decline because of the holiday.

Again, we need to quit blaming others for bad behavior that is the fault only of the person behaving badly. 

[sarcasticgirl]

Dec 16, 2013 15:18:58 GMT -5 @anne81 said:

It sucks, it's rude, but if you expect people to show up at a wedding then you don't schedule it at an inconvenient time/place. Courtesy goes both ways and I don't see this bride showing a lot of courtesy for her guests by scheduling at a really bad time of year.

The bride didn't say that she's sad that her friends didn't share her special day.  She said that she was irritated by how much money she was out. 

How in the world would someone determine what is convenient for everyone?!?!
For me, I would have zero problem attending a wedding the weekend of thanksgiving. But apparently it is the craziest notion for other people. 

the entire point of an RSVP is to allow people to say NO if it is not convenient. She doesn't expect everyone to attend and get mad when they don't. she expects everyone that said YES I WILL ATTEND to be there. Holding people to their word isn't rude and it really shouldn't be some foreign concept either. 

[973beachbum]

One of DH's cousins got married on New Year's Eve.  She even called and asked up to try real hard to come because of all the great memories she had of the cousins getting together as children.  It was a major PITA getting there for it and driving back home on New Years day so we could be at work/school the next day. I don't know how many no shows they had but from the size of the hall and the amount of people there I think it was a lot, also.

No excuse for being rude but scheduling anything around a major holiday is very problematic at best.

[Deleted]

Dec 16, 2013 15:12:38 GMT -5 Green Eyed Lady said:

I totally get being a part of a large family with lots of commitments.  My mother is a "be there or be killed" type of person when it comes to holidays.  Like it or not - selfish or not - lots of commentary about being flexible or not - judging or not - it's the way she is.  Nothing is going to change her at this point.   She's a very loving mother who would give up a lung if needed, but she is stickler about some things and this is one of them.

I also get personal/family emergencies, illnesses, etc.  Those things happen and I wouldn't even bat an eye if someone missed my wedding because they were giving birth.

What I don't get is the "oh well....I'm saying 'yes' and I may come...and I may not come...something else might come up....my brother might change his plans...which means I had to change mine....and there's always that great sale at Target...and the kids could be grumpy....but if I do come...I want my expensive dinner waiting for me when I get there....and if I don't come...too bad for you....I had other things to do."  

If you aren't sure, say "no".  It's not rocket science.  It's common courtesy.

do you not have a spouse?  do you just not share a holiday with your spouse's family to accomodate your mother?  what exactly would your mother do if you didn't show up to an event that she demanded your presence at?

[Cookies Galore]

Dec 16, 2013 15:25:32 GMT -5 sarcasticgirl said:

Dec 16, 2013 15:18:58 GMT -5 @anne81 said:

It sucks, it's rude, but if you expect people to show up at a wedding then you don't schedule it at an inconvenient time/place. Courtesy goes both ways and I don't see this bride showing a lot of courtesy for her guests by scheduling at a really bad time of year.

The bride didn't say that she's sad that her friends didn't share her special day.  She said that she was irritated by how much money she was out. 

How in the world would someone determine what is convenient for everyone?!?!
For me, I would have zero problem attending a wedding the weekend of thanksgiving. But apparently it is the craziest notion for other people. 

the entire point of an RSVP is to allow people to say NO if it is not convenient. She doesn't expect everyone to attend and get mad when they don't. she expects everyone that said YES I WILL ATTEND to be there. Holding people to their word isn't rude and it really shouldn't be some foreign concept either. 

Apparently it is a foreign concept.

[sarcasticgirl]

I don't know about everyone else, but I certainly didn't have a single negative thought about anyone who RSVP'd that they could not attend. I can't even remember who said NO. but I can remember who said Yes and then decided they had better offers that day. and those who legitimately could not attend (and I had zero issue with them)

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

the entire point of an RSVP is to allow people to say NO if it is not convenient

But I don't know if it is or not, therefore I'll say yess and just not go.  Bride is out the money anyhow.  What's the big deal?

Shocking to me that it's acceptable to just bail.  Not even a phone call/text/email/facebook post because it's not your problem.

If you're new plans are that important to you then you should have no problems calling the bride and telling her you're not coming anymore.  Own up to it and let the chips fall where they may. 

[Chocolate Lover]

Dec 16, 2013 15:18:58 GMT -5 @anne81 said:

It sucks, it's rude, but if you expect people to show up at a wedding then you don't schedule it at an inconvenient time/place. Courtesy goes both ways and I don't see this bride showing a lot of courtesy for her guests by scheduling at a really bad time of year.

The bride didn't say that she's sad that her friends didn't share her special day.  She said that she was irritated by how much money she was out. 

Hmm, a large chunk of people invited to weddings around here are family. Most of them would be happy to be together on a holiday weekend. The friends would be more iffy, but those would be able to decline without fear of having it held against them. Those that RSVP'd and didn't show? It would be noticed and remembered, if for nothing else than the utter rudeness of it.


I must have one of those special families that like each other and are happy to spend a long weekend together.

[tloonya]

Dec 16, 2013 15:16:51 GMT -5 swamp said:

Dec 16, 2013 15:16:15 GMT -5 tloonya said:

Let's say grandma RSVP'd that she will attend and she died! Would bride be...ticked off?

Not if she sent a check before she died.

I am sure gramma's death would be welcome if check was already received by Bridzilla!
They might even attend funeral if it wouldn't interact with their honeymoon!

[Green Eyed Lady]

Dec 16, 2013 15:27:22 GMT -5 @singlemominmd said:

Dec 16, 2013 15:12:38 GMT -5 Green Eyed Lady said:

I totally get being a part of a large family with lots of commitments.  My mother is a "be there or be killed" type of person when it comes to holidays.  Like it or not - selfish or not - lots of commentary about being flexible or not - judging or not - it's the way she is.  Nothing is going to change her at this point.   She's a very loving mother who would give up a lung if needed, but she is stickler about some things and this is one of them.

I also get personal/family emergencies, illnesses, etc.  Those things happen and I wouldn't even bat an eye if someone missed my wedding because they were giving birth.

What I don't get is the "oh well....I'm saying 'yes' and I may come...and I may not come...something else might come up....my brother might change his plans...which means I had to change mine....and there's always that great sale at Target...and the kids could be grumpy....but if I do come...I want my expensive dinner waiting for me when I get there....and if I don't come...too bad for you....I had other things to do."  

If you aren't sure, say "no".  It's not rocket science.  It's common courtesy.

do you not have a spouse?  do you just not share a holiday with your spouse's family to accomodate your mother?  what exactly would your mother do if you didn't show up to an event that she demanded your presence at?

1.  I do not have a spouse.
2.  Already answered - death.

[Deleted]

Dec 16, 2013 15:18:58 GMT -5 @anne81 said:

It sucks, it's rude, but if you expect people to show up at a wedding then you don't schedule it at an inconvenient time/place. Courtesy goes both ways and I don't see this bride showing a lot of courtesy for her guests by scheduling at a really bad time of year.

The bride didn't say that she's sad that her friends didn't share her special day.  She said that she was irritated by how much money she was out. 

maybe it was the only day that was available.  I got engaged in August 1989.  the first date my church was available (ther than labor day weekend - at the jersey shore, I don't think so) was november 1990.  maybe that day wasn't such a great fit for people but it fit my schedule.  if people couldn't come, then I expected them to RSVP no and I would have missed them but oh well.  There's no way to pick a date that works for everyone so the bride and the groom and their families have to pick what works for them.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

No excuse for being rude but scheduling anything around a major holiday is very problematic at best

Oh I totally agree and would not be surprised if she got a ton of declines.  That would be somewhat expected.

To have people RSVP yes and then bail I'd be surprised about. 

That's why I sent the invites 4-8 weeks (and in the case of a major holiday I'd probably push it to 10-12) ahead of time so guests could check their calendars and plan accordingly.
  
I give the guests the courtesy of advanced notice.  It shocks me that so many people don't think they owe the bride any notice whatsoever if their plans change.

[tloonya]

Dec 16, 2013 15:29:08 GMT -5 sarcasticgirl said:

I don't know about everyone else, but I certainly didn't have a single negative thought about anyone who RSVP'd that they could not attend. I can't even remember who said NO. but I can remember who said Yes and then decided they had better offers that day. and those who legitimately could not attend (and I had zero issue with them)

My point is: the wedding is actually important to immediate family ONLY! Others come to show off their attire or find another half or just out of boredom. If you disagree...why no one ever excited about watching wedding video except mother of the bride?

So...weddings should be thrown for people who are loving bride and groom as their own OR couple shouldn't be pissed with anyone who had 'better plans' all of a sudden

[sarcasticgirl]

Dec 16, 2013 15:35:27 GMT -5 tloonya said:

Dec 16, 2013 15:29:08 GMT -5 sarcasticgirl said:

I don't know about everyone else, but I certainly didn't have a single negative thought about anyone who RSVP'd that they could not attend. I can't even remember who said NO. but I can remember who said Yes and then decided they had better offers that day. and those who legitimately could not attend (and I had zero issue with them)

My point is: the wedding is actually important to immediate family ONLY! Others come to show off their attire or find another half or just out of boredom. If you disagree...why no one ever excited about watching wedding video except mother of the bride?

So...weddings should be thrown for people who are loving bride and groom as their own OR couple shouldn't be pissed with anyone who had 'better plans' all of a sudden

That may be true in your life, but not in the life of everyone.  anyway, if the friends don't find it to be an important commitment... they SAY NO!

[Opti]

"Aren't you the one that started teh thread bashing those homophobes for not tipping? I sure didn't see you giving THEM the benefit of the doubt.."

I am and I made an incorrect assumption. What you and others probably didn't
take notice of is early on Shooby expressed reservations on the story but
didn't give me any possibilities on why the story might not be true. So, I did
ask someone to give me possibilities, but I didn't get any so, yes, I stuck
with my assumptions until I was proven wrong.



Speaking on benefit of the doubt, people are acting like some posters are
pro bad manners and yet I don't see a single post on this thread where anyone
categorically and explicitly states "I am OK with people canceling and not letting
the bride know before the wedding". People are assuming without any proof,
that posters who aren't complaining about bad manners must by default endorse
them. My mistake was believing a story based on my old beliefs of how members
of a discriminated group would act. It turns out the writing was forged and not
one poster suggested that as a possibility prior to the couple coming forward.
I won't be the only one in the future dubious of future receipts, however, notice
the first event like it reported in the media never had the diners in question come
forward. Based on prior results, my beliefs weren't all that outrageous IMO. Now
they would be.

[chiver78]

Dec 16, 2013 15:18:58 GMT -5 @anne81 said:

It sucks, it's rude, but if you expect people to show up at a wedding then you don't schedule it at an inconvenient time/place. Courtesy goes both ways and I don't see this bride showing a lot of courtesy for her guests by scheduling at a really bad time of year.

The bride didn't say that she's sad that her friends didn't share her special day.  She said that she was irritated by how much money she was out. 

I'll be happy to let my mom know that you think she was not being courteous by scheduling her wedding on the Friday night of Thanksgiving weekend so many years ago.

and I'm with everyone else that has said if you RSVP that you're in, you have made your time commitment for that day. if shit happens and you have to back out, you make sure that the couple knows that something has come up unexpectedly and that you are sorry you won't be able to make it after all.

no-shows are just obnoxious.

[Deleted]

"It's total BS as well to say "I don't know what I'll be doing in 8 weeks. " It's called a calendar. "

If you RSVP yes to an event that is in 8 weeks, then I would expect you to know what you are doing on that date. Otherwise you are just RSVPing to an event in case you can't find something better to do, which is pretty crappy. Of course, emergencies, getting sick, maybe a fight with your spouse, accident, etc could stop you but other plans you are choosing over an event you said you will go is not one of those events that is excusable IMO.

[Deleted]

"I'd rather have people RSVP yes, hoping to go, and be able to provide a plate and place for them, then have the majority of them say no way in advance because the holidays are a busy time of year. "

I am pretty sure that defeats the purpose of an RSVP. You can always make your event a show up as you please kind of event but people ask for RSVPs to be able to have a better count than +/-35 people. If you don't have the capacity for extra people, then when they call to ask if it is still ok to come, you tell them you don't have room (most people would already assume that anyway).

[Opti]

"and I'm with everyone else that has said if you RSVP that you're in, you have made your time commitment for that day. if shit happens and you have to back out, you make sure that the couple knows that something has come up unexpectedly and that you are sorry you won't be able to make it after all.

no-shows are just obnoxious.
"

No shows though are simply people who originally said yes and didn't show up.
The OP doesn't say whether she told the bride in advance they wouldn't be
making it nor do we know from the OP how many did or did not notify the
bride before the wedding they wouldn't make it.


I'm of the opinion you would notify the bride or someone like the bride's
mother as soon as reasonable once you realized you wouldn't be able to
attend. Technically though, you'd still be a no show. I think I've made it
to every wedding I RSVP'd for including one that involved driving in windchill
at minus 70 degrees. I remember far more about the drive and trying to warm
up pre and post reception. And waving for a jumpstart so we could drive
back.