NancysSummerSip
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Post by NancysSummerSip on Dec 16, 2013 13:53:49 GMT -5
DF is normally laid back, way more so than I am. But after we babysat yesterday, he was seriously wondering where he and the ex went wrong. They both feel they were good parents and raised kids with manners, so why aren't their grandchildren that way? I had no answer because I'm wondering if my kids will raise rude little hellions with no manners as well? Same with us. My brothers have five kids between them. Two have great manners, the other three wouldn't know a "Please" and "Thank You" from a pile of dog poop. No thank you notes, they have the table manners of trolls and their idea of "indoor voices" are so loud they would render you deaf and sterile.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 16, 2013 13:53:52 GMT -5
"We had 34 family members on DH's side of the family RSVP for DSD's wedding in Oct. and not show up. Cost: $1200.00 just for the no-shows. Whatever. It happens. These are family members we'll see at the next family event and neither one of us would even consider mentioning it to them! Bride in the OP should just keep her big mouth shut. People take weddings WAY too seriously... "
It is not about the event being a wedding. It is about RSVPing to an event, any event then not showing up. It is about courtesy but it is also about money too. Not everybody is as happy to waste their money. While it probably wasn't the best thing to do for the bride to complain about it on facebook (I think that's what the OP said), RSVPing and not showing up without a good reason is worse IMO.
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NancysSummerSip
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Post by NancysSummerSip on Dec 16, 2013 14:08:26 GMT -5
FWIW, I am glad this thread came up. Some friends of mine are going to New England this month for a Christmas wedding (a relative's, not theirs). The wedding is the Saturday after Christmas. I'm thinking, "OK, the holiday, plus the destination wedding [not for everyone; about half the guests will be traveling, and most of those by car] plus the fact that it's December and it does sometimes snow in New England at that time...dang, this oughta produce some memorable stories." My friends are flying and driving. They are flying into Boston and then driving to the wedding, about an hour or so outside the city.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Dec 16, 2013 14:09:19 GMT -5
I don't think it's nice to RSVP and not show up but it's also really difficult to pin down plans on Thanksgiving weekend, at least it has been for me. A lot of people are trying to organize meeting their families that weekend, which means somehow wrangling different groups of people into agreeing on a time and date. From what I've seen many people don't have a firm idea of their plans until that week which is usually too late to substantially change the head count for a wedding caterer.
The holidays are a crazy time. People overbook, it's hard to wrangle everyone into agreeing on a meeting time/place, people get sick. I feel bad for the bride but it's not surprising that this happened either. Yes, but you RSVP'd you're coming, and bailing costs the couple money. If you have a conflict, tell them, no biggie. It's rude to just not show up.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Dec 16, 2013 14:12:45 GMT -5
Yes, but you RSVP'd you're coming, and bailing costs the couple money.
If you have a conflict, tell them, no biggie. It's rude to just not show up
And I still don't get it. Unless the bride sent the invites out the week before the wedding you still have time to look at the calendar and say "Crap it's Thanksgiving weekend. Grandma expects me to be at her house and the ILs never committ to a time till the last minutes so I should probably RSVP no to this event". Or tell everyone else too bad you made a commitment already, plan ahead next time. Standard rule is four to eight weeks before the wedding the invites go out. That's as a courtesy to guests so they can check their calendars and plan accordingly. Why is it so terrible that a bride would expect the coutesy of a phone call/email/facebook post/whatever concerning a last minute cancellation?
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Dec 16, 2013 14:17:24 GMT -5
I think people hope for the best and that everything will work out. If someone gave me an invite for a holiday weekend 8 weeks in advance I'd have to turn it down unless I could cancel later. Sometimes you don't know till the last minute if something will conflict or not. We don't know if the bride got a lot of cancellations at the last minute. I got married on Labor Day weekend. It seemed to work OK for me. I had a few no shows, but nothing major.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 16, 2013 14:17:46 GMT -5
It would be better to say No then if you decide you can make it after all, ask if there is room.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Dec 16, 2013 14:23:22 GMT -5
It would be better to say No then if you decide you can make it after all, ask if there is room. This is what I've started doing, but I rsvp'd to 2 events when dd was in the less than 3 months old category and bailed on both of them. There YM--throw all your stones at me! I didn't have any good reason except that I just couldn't handle leaving the house with 2 kids and being "on" for anyone. Now that I know that about myself I've cut out all social get togethers that aren't family.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Dec 16, 2013 14:23:38 GMT -5
It would be better to say No then if you decide you can make it after all, ask if there is room
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 16, 2013 14:26:30 GMT -5
is there some reason that somebody couldn't tell their family 'sorry, we're going to a wedding that saturday so we won't be able to see you?'. maybe it's because I have very little family to celebrate holidays with that it would never occur to me to blow off something I RSVP'd to in order to see a family member. I don't get the mentality that seeing grandma is somehow above honoring a commitment you made. if grandma is that important then you better not accept any invitations that may interfere with seeing her or get her approval before RSVP'ing.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Dec 16, 2013 14:30:24 GMT -5
is there some reason that somebody couldn't tell their family 'sorry, we're going to a wedding that saturday so we won't be able to see you?'. maybe it's because I have very little family to celebrate holidays with that it would never occur to me to blow off something I RSVP'd to in order to see a family member. I don't get the mentality that seeing grandma is somehow above honoring a commitment you made. if grandma is that important then you better not accept any invitations that may interfere with seeing her or get her approval before RSVP'ing. I was wondering the same thing. If I can't make it to Thanksgiving because I have a wedding, no biggie, nobody in my family will flip out about it.
We're pretty easy going when it comes to holidays.
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Sum Dum Gai
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Post by Sum Dum Gai on Dec 16, 2013 14:32:47 GMT -5
Depends on how close you are to the folks getting married. If they're friends of friends, I'd probably skip the wedding to do Thanksgiving with my family too. Holiday weddings suck. You're an asshole if you decline the wedding invite, you're an asshole if you don't show, and your family might still be giving you crap years later if you skip Thanksgiving for a friends wedding. You can't win.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 16, 2013 14:34:46 GMT -5
I would have sent 100.00. That is based on a sit down meal of at least 3 courses and with servers.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Dec 16, 2013 14:35:32 GMT -5
but I rsvp'd to 2 events when dd was in the less than 3 months old category and bailed on both of them. There YM--throw all your stones at me
I can do math and wouldn't be mad at a new mom flaking at all. One or two people no showing isn't the end of the world to me.
33 people not showing to a wedding is different.
DH's cousin RSVP-ed yes for 2. A week or so before her husband changed his mind about making the drive from Minnesota. She wanted to come but wasn't sure if she could find someone to drive with.
2 people either way wasn't a big deal so we told her we'd count her as a yes but no bigger if she couldn't make it.
The phone call was appreciated. She extended us a courtesy and gave us time to decide what to do with the information.
I'm hard pressed to believe there were 33 emergencies or 33 exhausted new moms.
She'd still be on the hook for the money but personally I'd be way more irritated at the lack of courtesy than the money I lost.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Dec 16, 2013 14:37:04 GMT -5
One of my cousins had a car accident on the way to my wedding. Just a fender bender, nobody got hurt. I was OK with her being a no show.
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Cookies Galore
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Post by Cookies Galore on Dec 16, 2013 14:44:47 GMT -5
I don't think it's nice to RSVP and not show up but it's also really difficult to pin down plans on Thanksgiving weekend, at least it has been for me. A lot of people are trying to organize meeting their families that weekend, which means somehow wrangling different groups of people into agreeing on a time and date. From what I've seen many people don't have a firm idea of their plans until that week which is usually too late to substantially change the head count for a wedding caterer.
The holidays are a crazy time. People overbook, it's hard to wrangle everyone into agreeing on a meeting time/place, people get sick. I feel bad for the bride but it's not surprising that this happened either. Yes, but you RSVP'd you're coming, and bailing costs the couple money. If you have a conflict, tell them, no biggie. It's rude to just not show up.
I can't believe how many people on this thread think it's okay to rsvp to an event and - oh well!- just bail without a legit excuse or an apology. It's total BS as well to say "I don't know what I'll be doing in 8 weeks. " It's called a calendar.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Dec 16, 2013 14:50:00 GMT -5
Yes, but you RSVP'd you're coming, and bailing costs the couple money. If you have a conflict, tell them, no biggie. It's rude to just not show up.
I can't believe how many people on this thread think it's okay to rsvp to an event and - oh well!- just bail without a legit excuse or an apology. It's total BS as well to say "I don't know what I'll be doing in 8 weeks. " It's called a calendar. And if something comes up, you call/email/fax/facebook/carrier pigeon/smoke signal your cancellation. Provided you aren't in the hospital with a new baby.
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Cookies Galore
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Post by Cookies Galore on Dec 16, 2013 14:50:20 GMT -5
Depends on how close you are to the folks getting married. If they're friends of friends, I'd probably skip the wedding to do Thanksgiving with my family too. Holiday weddings suck. You're an asshole if you decline the wedding invite, you're an asshole if you don't show, and your family might still be giving you crap years later if you skip Thanksgiving for a friends wedding. You can't win. You're an asshole if you say you're going to attend an event that costs someone else money and you bail without a valid excuse. Holidays are no excuse. You say you'll be there and show up or you decline if Uncle Sal is having his annual family whatever and that's your priority. Thanksgiving happens every year, hopefully your friend's wedding only happens once or twice in their life.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 16, 2013 14:54:35 GMT -5
Sorry. I put my family first. That means if they have to switch around my schedule at the last minute, or I can't get my mom or brother to commit, or FIL is feeling unwell, then I will still change my plans to accommodate them. It's more important for DS to spend time with his relatives on the holidays then for me to attend a wedding or that type of event.
I have a calendar, booked with things months out, and I still bail. Like I did for this morning's appointment because I woke up with a head cold. If you schedule things during the holiday season you have to expect that your event may not be a priority for people with families of their own.
We don't know if people had legit excuses or apologies. We just know that a lot of people didn't come to the wedding and the bride is upset.
then maybe you shouldn't RSVP yes to anything in case someone in your family plans something the same day. Can't DS spend time with his relatives on a non-holiday? I think it's more important to honor the commitments you made then to be at the beck and call of your family.
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yogiii
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Post by yogiii on Dec 16, 2013 14:56:54 GMT -5
It seems sad if you can't say "Sorry, I am attending a wedding that day" and feel comfortable doing so.
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Cookies Galore
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Post by Cookies Galore on Dec 16, 2013 14:57:59 GMT -5
Sorry. I put my family first. That means if they have to switch around my schedule at the last minute, or I can't get my mom or brother to commit, or FIL is feeling unwell, then I will still change my plans to accommodate them. It's more important for DS to spend time with his relatives on the holidays then for me to attend a wedding or that type of event.
I have a calendar, booked with things months out, and I still bail. Like I did for this morning's appointment because I woke up with a head cold. If you schedule things during the holiday season you have to expect that your event may not be a priority for people with families of their own.
We don't know if people had legit excuses or apologies. We just know that a lot of people didn't come to the wedding and the bride is upset.
I don't live in the land of $20/person weddings so damn right I'd be pissed if someone wasted my money like that. If the holiday season is too hectic don't rsvp to anything that requires a catering head count in advance. If I rsvp to a wedding that means that couple is my priority that day.
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Sum Dum Gai
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Post by Sum Dum Gai on Dec 16, 2013 15:02:41 GMT -5
Unless the couple getting married were really close friends I would have declined the wedding invite. Thanksgiving is a big deal in my family, and declining up front is less assholish than saying you'll be there and bailing. I'm just not surprised the couple had so many no shows since they picked Thanksgiving weekend to get hitched.
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Dec 16, 2013 15:04:43 GMT -5
Sorry. I put my family first. That means if they have to switch around my schedule at the last minute, or I can't get my mom or brother to commit, or FIL is feeling unwell, then I will still change my plans to accommodate them. It's more important for DS to spend time with his relatives on the holidays then for me to attend a wedding or that type of event.
I have a calendar, booked with things months out, and I still bail. Like I did for this morning's appointment because I woke up with a head cold. If you schedule things during the holiday season you have to expect that your event may not be a priority for people with families of their own.
We don't know if people had legit excuses or apologies. We just know that a lot of people didn't come to the wedding and the bride is upset.
I don't live in the land of $20/person weddings so damn right I'd be pissed if someone wasted my money like that. If the holiday season is too hectic don't rsvp to anything that requires a catering head count in advance. If I rsvp to a wedding that means that couple is my priority that day. To me, it is the principal. I would be just as pissed of someone blew off a $20/pp event as I would $150/pp event. If it is wrong it is wrong, no matter the cost.
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Cookies Galore
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Post by Cookies Galore on Dec 16, 2013 15:06:42 GMT -5
My guess is that if the guests had followed the rules on this thread the bride would have gotten a ton of no RSVP's and had far less guests than she actually had show. I would never turn down an invite for a wedding and then ask later if there is space.
If I plan something for a typical weekend months out then I will make it. Holiday weekends are tough with family involved.
All of our family lives out of state or overseas. Depending on work schedules, cost of tickets, their SO's schedules, their SO's families schedules, split custody, etc. things can get crazy. Um, if the guests followed proper etiquette the bride and groom wouldn't be out all the money from the no shows. They should be happy to pay for phantom meals?!
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Dec 16, 2013 15:06:48 GMT -5
Unless the couple getting married were really close friends I would have declined the wedding invite. Thanksgiving is a big deal in my family, and declining up front is less assholish than saying you'll be there and bailing. I'm just not surprised the couple had so many no shows since they picked Thanksgiving weekend to get hitched. I don't think it is assholish to decline an invite to a wedding. I've declined for many reasons over the years. If a person considers me close enough to attend I do my best to be there...but schedules don't always work out. But if I RSVP'd that I was going I would make sure I was there unless something I couldn't prevent came up (last minute work travel, for example).
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Dec 16, 2013 15:08:05 GMT -5
That means if they have to switch around my schedule at the last minute, or I can't get my mom or brother to commit, or FIL is feeling unwell, then I will still change my plans to accommodate them.
Then you call the couple and inform them you're no longer coming. If possible you should always do this within the window where they have time to make adjustments (which is again why invitations go out so early!) and if not you apologize for the last minute cancellation and any inconvience it might cause.
You don't just not show up. That's incredibly rude.
So what is the bride is pissed you canceled? She has a right to be, you should own up to canceling at the last minute.
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Cookies Galore
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Post by Cookies Galore on Dec 16, 2013 15:08:37 GMT -5
I don't live in the land of $20/person weddings so damn right I'd be pissed if someone wasted my money like that. If the holiday season is too hectic don't rsvp to anything that requires a catering head count in advance. If I rsvp to a wedding that means that couple is my priority that day. To me, it is the principal. I would be just as pissed of someone blew off a $20/pp event as I would $150/pp event. If it is wrong it is wrong, no matter the cost. I agree, but there were a couple of remarks about how they were out "only" x amount because of no shows. Really?! It's rude no matter what the price or relation!
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Dec 16, 2013 15:10:24 GMT -5
To me, it is the principal. I would be just as pissed of someone blew off a $20/pp event as I would $150/pp event. If it is wrong it is wrong, no matter the cost. I agree, but there were a couple of remarks about how they were out "only" x amount because of no shows. Really?! It's rude no matter what the price or relation! Exactly.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Dec 16, 2013 15:11:13 GMT -5
I don't have a problem with declining the invite because it's thanksgiving weekend. I have a problem with telling the couple you will be there and then not showing without any cancellation notice. That's rude.
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Green Eyed Lady
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Post by Green Eyed Lady on Dec 16, 2013 15:12:38 GMT -5
I totally get being a part of a large family with lots of commitments. My mother is a "be there or be killed" type of person when it comes to holidays. Like it or not - selfish or not - lots of commentary about being flexible or not - judging or not - it's the way she is. Nothing is going to change her at this point. She's a very loving mother who would give up a lung if needed, but she is stickler about some things and this is one of them.
I also get personal/family emergencies, illnesses, etc. Those things happen and I wouldn't even bat an eye if someone missed my wedding because they were giving birth.
What I don't get is the "oh well....I'm saying 'yes' and I may come...and I may not come...something else might come up....my brother might change his plans...which means I had to change mine....and there's always that great sale at Target...and the kids could be grumpy....but if I do come...I want my expensive dinner waiting for me when I get there....and if I don't come...too bad for you....I had other things to do."
If you aren't sure, say "no". It's not rocket science. It's common courtesy.
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