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Post by Deleted on Dec 16, 2013 10:02:26 GMT -5
It's not like they didn't realize what day it was when they said yes.
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Opti
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Post by Opti on Dec 16, 2013 10:51:39 GMT -5
"It's not like they didn't realize what day it was when they said yes."
I don't disagree, but some people get very self involved when it comes to shopping. I had one of my best players on a company volleyball team bail on me for a game against a good team for a sale. The sale was three weeks long, but it ended that night or the next one.
Some probably just went shopping and didn't get home as quick as they planned and decided at the last minute not to come. People are people. I learned when having friends over if I wanted good attendance I needed to pick certain start times and give a few weeks notice if I didn't want my fudge factor of no shows to be higher than I'd like. Picking that weekend insured a higher drop out ratio than normal. While its the guests fault for not showing up for whatever reason, the bride picked a bad date. Its really that simple. Families guilt their members and like an earlier story in this thread it is not the first time I've heard of someone deciding to attend a child's party instead of a wedding or other commitment they agreed to before they were even asked to go to the birthday party. The guilting to visit all one's relatives over Thanksgiving or Christmas can be enormous. She picked a time that guaranteed more no shows than normal. She needs to learn from her mistakes and it will likely end quite a few friendships.
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justme
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Post by justme on Dec 16, 2013 10:52:59 GMT -5
Maybe they're that special that they didn't realize it was Thanksgiving weekend when they said ok? I know I've called my bro up asking what he's bringing to Thanksgiving and he spazzed out because it was only a week away. Figured it was a pretty big holiday that most know are coming up, but I've been proved wrong! Guess it being a specific day of the month opposed to a specific date confuses people.
Still no excuse though.
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Opti
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Post by Opti on Dec 16, 2013 11:08:37 GMT -5
".Post by justzombies "Maybe they're that special that they didn't realize it was Thanksgiving weekend when they said ok?"
Quite possible as Thanksgiving was unusually late this year. I think most of the guests knew before Saturday they weren't going to attend. It would have been polite to call someone in the bridal party by Saturday morning at the latest so they had the option to cancel some meals if they were able. I think if you need to bail for any reason that is known before the day of you should call and let someone know. The place may or may not adjust their charges, but at least you give your host a shot of saving that money and not being surprised at the venue.
Also many retailers don't release their ads until Thanksgiving, so you are committing to coming before you know the thing you plan to buy on sale is only going to be discounted between say 7 and 9PM on Saturday. If you are local you can send half a couple to the venue and have one show up late if its the only way you'll be able to buy said item until it goes on deep discount again, but if you aren't nearby some people will choose saving a hundred dollars or so on an item they've been waiting to buy for months over attending a wedding they've been planning on attending for weeks. Human nature. Its like assuming people don't skim money from their church because they are religious. If you acknowledge the foibles and weaknesses of people and plan for them, you are going to be surprised less often. JMO.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 16, 2013 11:13:37 GMT -5
I guess I should be happy I am getting old because shopping is a lame ass excuse for missing something you RSVP'd for. If you took the time to RSVP you go. End of story.
I don't know what the HELL my peers are teaching their kids, but basic manners need to move up the list!
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Post by Deleted on Dec 16, 2013 11:14:04 GMT -5
".Post by justzombies "Maybe they're that special that they didn't realize it was Thanksgiving weekend when they said ok?" Quite possible as Thanksgiving was unusually late this year. I think most of the guests knew before Saturday they weren't going to attend. It would have been polite to call someone in the bridal party by Saturday morning at the latest so they had the option to cancel some meals if they were able. I think if you need to bail for any reason that is known before the day of you should call and let someone know. The place may or may not adjust their charges, but at least you give your host a shot of saving that money and not being surprised at the venue. Also many retailers don't release their ads until Thanksgiving, so you are committing to coming before you know the thing you plan to buy on sale is only going to be discounted between say 7 and 9PM on Saturday. If you are local you can send half a couple to the venue and have one show up late if its the only way you'll be able to buy said item until it goes on deep discount again, but if you aren't nearby some people will choose saving a hundred dollars or so on an item they've been waiting to buy for months over attending a wedding they've been planning on attending for weeks. Human nature. Its like assuming people don't skim money from their church because they are religious. If you acknowledge the foibles and weaknesses of people and plan for them, you are going to be surprised less often. JMO. I'm sorry, but missing someone's wedding, that you had already RSVP'd to, because you were shopping? what kind of neanderthal is that person? and it's not like a wedding is on the same level as let's get together for lunch. I can't believe anyone would try and excuse the rude, uncouth behavior that this is.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Dec 16, 2013 11:14:18 GMT -5
I guess I should be happy I am getting old because shopping is a lame ass excuse for missing something you RSVP'd for. If you took the time to RSVP you go. End of story. I don't know what the HELL my peers are teaching their kids, but basic manners need to move up the list!
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Dec 16, 2013 11:17:02 GMT -5
I can't believe anyone would try and excuse the rude, uncouth behavior that this is.
Really? I've ceased to be amazed at the heights some people can reach when it comes to bad manners. Mid you're not one of them though so please don't feel guilty. Mother nature doesn't take into consideration we have other plans that day. Send your gift and when she shows you photos make sure to say "Oh man I wish I'd been there" a lot. That should make her happy.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 16, 2013 11:22:28 GMT -5
Well if 20/30 somethings think it's OK to blow off something that you RSVP'd for then I KNOW I am glad to be old!
ETA: medical issues are a valid reason.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Dec 16, 2013 11:25:43 GMT -5
This 29 year old doesn't! My mother would smack me if I behaved like that. Then my grandmother would come back to haunt me.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 16, 2013 11:27:09 GMT -5
Well if 20/30 somethings think it's OK to blow off something that you RSVP'd for then I KNOW I am glad to be old! ETA: medical issues are a valid reason. yup, medical issues are a very valid reason...or if you're flying to the location and have flight issues because of weather....or you have a death in your family.....shopping, however, doesn't even make the top 100 valid reasons for missing a wedding you've RSVP'd to.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Dec 16, 2013 11:29:27 GMT -5
Well if 20/30 somethings think it's OK to blow off something that you RSVP'd for then I KNOW I am glad to be old! ETA: medical issues are a valid reason. yup, medical issues are a very valid reason...or if you're flying to the location and have flight issues because of weather....or you have a death in your family.....shopping, however, doesn't even make the top 100 valid reasons for missing a wedding you've RSVP'd to. But, but, but, I can save $50 on a PS4!!!!!
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Opti
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Post by Opti on Dec 16, 2013 11:32:51 GMT -5
SingleMom, I'm not excusing, I'm explaining and there is a difference. I could rail at the people who didn't show up but that's not going to change their behavior as they aren't here. Only the bride has the possibility of learning from picking a bad date and MidJD may or may not share with her what she reads in the thread. Its comforting to say "oh, they are all bad people" except this bad date thing is going to follow her for life.
Some years Thanksgiving will be the week before and sometimes it will be the week of her anniversary. It is going to make the liklihood of future milestone anniversary parties have bad attendance. Whether we like it or not a good portion of human nature is putting ourselves first. The bride has complained several times in front of MidJD not caring enough you see about how Mid may feel. You can't fix or change other people. You can only fix or change your actions. That's why when I realized the bride made a strategic mistake picking that weekend to get married, I decided to bring it up in the thread. She should own her mistake in choosing that date IMO. If she doesn't she's going to be very disappointed for the rest of her marriage as her family, friends, and even her husband may be caught up in the Thanksgiving family visits and shopping instead of celebrating the marriage.
The bride can change her actions and her response to the no-shows. She is unlikely however, to change their behavior just by wishing it were so. I'm different from many posters in that I rarely condemn behavior I believe it was obvious it was going to happen or could happen. It serves no useful purpose to condemn it and IMO slows down the movement to the only things one can change or affect. Yourself and your reaction to what has happened. If you want to be upset I'm not upset enough in your opinion about the no shows behavior - go for it. I prefer to not waste my time feeling angry or unhappy. Its not good for one's health and it accomplishes nothing worthwhile.
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NancysSummerSip
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Post by NancysSummerSip on Dec 16, 2013 11:37:27 GMT -5
Mid, you had an unforseen medical event. It happens, it's legit and you did what you had to do. Babies don't wait, after all.
You don't "owe" anyone the cost of covering their wedding, and you don't "need" to make it up to them. I am personally sick to death of weddings as piggybank events. These couples that are planning their nuptials with an eye to an Excel spreadsheet are missing the point of a wedding as a gathering of those you love sharing a day of joy. If $20 per plate was an issue to them, they have bigger problems than you missing the wedding for a major medical event.
And with that many no-shows, I have to question the relationships with those other people who failed to attend. You had obvious reasons, but I wonder how many of the others were on the couple's "B", "C" or "D" list of invitees, knew it, and just didn't think it mattered that much to be there.
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on Dec 16, 2013 11:40:47 GMT -5
Mid, you had an unforseen medical event. It happens, it's legit and you did what you had to do. Babies don't wait, after all. You don't "owe" anyone the cost of covering their wedding, and you don't "need" to make it up to them. I am personally sick to death of weddings as piggybank events. These couples that are planning their nuptials with an eye to an Excel spreadsheet are missing the point of a wedding as a gathering of those you love sharing a day of joy. If $20 per plate was an issue to them, they have bigger problems than you missing the wedding for a major medical event. And with that many no-shows, I have to question the relationships with those other people who failed to attend. You had obvious reasons, but I wonder how many of the others were on the couple's "B", "C" or "D" list of invitees, knew it, and just didn't think it mattered that much to be there. I totally agree. Offer apologies and regrets and move on. Having a CS baby is NOT easy. I wasn't even out of the hospital until day 5 - sh*t happens.
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NancysSummerSip
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Post by NancysSummerSip on Dec 16, 2013 11:58:44 GMT -5
I have no idea how tough it is to have kids - I never had any, unless you count the old kid I married. I tend to think that brides (OK, and some grooms as well) are so stuck on the wedding as THEIR EVENT now, they tend to miss the humanity of it. They get the magazines (which admittedly, have been around for a long time), but they also watch too many of these wedding-oriented shows, and plan for months on how to equal or top what they see in the media. Any little mishap that occurs is cause for tears, tantrums and threats. Everything has to be more than right; it has to be perfect, or else. My niece got married three years ago, in a wildlife refuge (she worked there, so the use of it was free for her). The ceremony was outdoors, the reception indoors, and the food was vegetarian. Little things went awry here and there, but nothing major - until a few members of the groom's family decided that the vegetarian wedding fare was not up to their standards, and they left. No explanation, no goodbyes, nothing - just stomped out (we found out why they left after the fact). Rude bastards, in my opinion. The food is not about you; it's what was chosen by the couple, who took all of us (including the rude people) out for a very expensive rehearsal dinner at an Asian restaurant the night before. People need to chill and remember what a wedding is about, not fuss over whether the date chosen is a good one, or how much was spent vs. how much a gift should be, or whether the centerpieces are fabulous.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 16, 2013 12:05:45 GMT -5
"Only the bride has the possibility of learning from picking a bad date "
She may have picked a bad date but that does not excuse RSVP'ing yes and not showing up. Ok maybe 1-2 people decided shopping was more important but 30+ people?? I am sure they all did not have REAL emergencies like Mid. Mid, I would just give what you were planning to give. If she doesn't understand that you had a scary time with your and your baby's health, then I would question keeping her in my life as a "friend".
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Dec 16, 2013 12:05:59 GMT -5
".Post by justzombies "Maybe they're that special that they didn't realize it was Thanksgiving weekend when they said ok?" Quite possible as Thanksgiving was unusually late this year. I think most of the guests knew before Saturday they weren't going to attend. It would have been polite to call someone in the bridal party by Saturday morning at the latest so they had the option to cancel some meals if they were able. I think if you need to bail for any reason that is known before the day of you should call and let someone know. The place may or may not adjust their charges, but at least you give your host a shot of saving that money and not being surprised at the venue. Also many retailers don't release their ads until Thanksgiving, so you are committing to coming before you know the thing you plan to buy on sale is only going to be discounted between say 7 and 9PM on Saturday. If you are local you can send half a couple to the venue and have one show up late if its the only way you'll be able to buy said item until it goes on deep discount again, but if you aren't nearby some people will choose saving a hundred dollars or so on an item they've been waiting to buy for months over attending a wedding they've been planning on attending for weeks. Human nature. Its like assuming people don't skim money from their church because they are religious. If you acknowledge the foibles and weaknesses of people and plan for them, you are going to be surprised less often. JMO. If I found out that one of my friends blew off a very important day (to me) to go shopping they would no longer be my friend. I don't need people like that in my life. Delivering a baby? totally understandable. Family emergency? Totally understandable. Shopping? No longer someone I consider a friend
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Post by Deleted on Dec 16, 2013 12:08:41 GMT -5
Just decline the invitation if finding time to go is too much for you.
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Opti
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Post by Opti on Dec 16, 2013 12:32:35 GMT -5
I think people are missing what I am trying to say, because I'm just guessing at potential reasons given my own life experiences.
I don't know why they didn't attend, MidJD doesn't know why they didn't attend, other posters don't know either and if the bride does she apparently isn't sharing that information. Thirty five no shows for a attendee list of 150 is huge, for a 500 or more attendee list not so much.
I prefer to think about why things happened and how to not make the same error in the future if I don't like the outcome. Others apparently prefer to bash these people *even though no one knows why they weren't there!* Simply amazing. The pack mentality and need to bash someone even if you don't know why they did what they did.
And many of you misread what I've written because IMO we've gone to Humanistics 206. The need is to determine if I am part of the pack or not. Bashing and having the appropriate opinion has become more important than the situation at hand it seems to most posters. *I* am thinking about what the bride could do or could have done. Others seem to have made this into a group bashing bonding experience and are trying to fling me in the bad people box because apparently there are only two choices. You have the right opinion about bad behavior or you don't. *I* acknowledge two options are too limiting in my life and in general prefer to not bash people. So since I have not screamed "OMG. People who don't show up after RSVPing because they are shopping are the scum of the earth. I'd never. Yada yada yada." You all choose to assume the worst and assumed the worst of the two potential options I put up for potential no shows. Who is bashing folks for being guilted into a family function? (No one) Who brought up other new possibilities? (Missing that too.) No, its been a race to the bottom for a bashing party and I'll leave you to it. Thinking bad thoughts attracts more bad thoughts so I'll skip it TYVM.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 16, 2013 12:38:28 GMT -5
Thankfulist2013, I understand what you are trying to say but your post is coming across to me as it is the bride's fault for a picking a bad date. No it is not. It is the fault of the people who RSVPed yes but decided not to show up. You are right we don't know their excuses but I highly doubt that they all had some sort of emergency like Mid. Besides you are giving the excuse of maybe they went shopping and making it sound like it is a legitimate excuse because the bride picked a bad date. If nothing else, they could have called and cancelled at the beginning of the week or something. Surely, all 35 did not forget about the wedding until the last minute!
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Dec 16, 2013 12:40:34 GMT -5
I think people are missing what I am trying to say, because I'm just guessing at potential reasons given my own life experiences. I don't know why they didn't attend, MidJD doesn't know why they didn't attend, other posters don't know either and if the bride does she apparently isn't sharing that information. Thirty five no shows for a attendee list of 150 is huge, for a 500 or more attendee list not so much. I prefer to think about why things happened and how to not make the same error in the future if I don't like the outcome. Others apparently prefer to bash these people *even though no one knows why they weren't there!* Simply amazing. The pack mentality and need to bash someone even if you don't know why they did what they did. And many of you misread what I've written because IMO we've gone to Humanistics 206. The need is to determine if I am part of the pack or not. Bashing and having the appropriate opinion has become more important than the situation at hand it seems to most posters. *I* am thinking about what the bride could do or could have done. Others seem to have made this into a group bashing bonding experience and are trying to fling me in the bad people box because apparently there are only two choices. You have the right opinion about bad behavior or you don't. *I* acknowledge two options are too limiting in my life and in general prefer to not bash people. So since I have not screamed "OMG. People who don't show up after RSVPing because they are shopping are the scum of the earth. I'd never. Yada yada yada." You all choose to assume the worst and assumed the worst of the two potential options I put up for potential no shows. Who is bashing folks for being guilted into a family function? (No one) Who brought up other new possibilities? (Missing that too.) No, its been a race to the bottom for a bashing party and I'll leave you to it. Thinking bad thoughts attracts more bad thoughts so I'll skip it TYVM. Aren't you the one that started teh thread bashing those homophobes for not tipping? I sure didn't see you giving THEM the benefit of the doubt...be careful, it really hurts when you fall off that high horse
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sarcasticgirl
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Post by sarcasticgirl on Dec 16, 2013 13:00:14 GMT -5
There were nearly 20 (out of around 80ish) people that RSVP'd and didn't show to the reception we had in DH's home town. If freaking floored me. Sure it was outdoors and casual and the ceremony was private... BUT we still had to pay for every chair, every table, every drink and every morsel of food whether they showed or not. I was pretty livid.
We heard apologies from TWO people who were sick. 2 of his cousins/their spouses and children didn't show because they got last minute tickets to a Bears game. Oh wait... a PRE-SEASON Bears game. Those 7 people cost us at least $200+. Not huge but still. WTF? They were nice enough to post photos all over FB where we could see them.
We had a reception in my hometown and 4 people didn't show. 1 couple due to a death in the family and the other due to strep throat. I heard from both before.
I grew up south of the mason-dixon line and people rarely flaked on RSVPs... or even plans in general. It happens to me ALL the freaking time living up North, it pisses me off beyond belief.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Dec 16, 2013 13:06:04 GMT -5
Our invitations went out six weeks before the cut-off date for the caterer and bakery. That's plenty of time to cancel if it hadn't dawned on them beforehand they had plans that day.
I'd have bee pissed off if someone was a no-show because of Bears tickets.
Is it the end of the world? No but the lack of common courtesy/manners people have nowdays is depressing.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 16, 2013 13:07:01 GMT -5
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greeniis10
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Post by greeniis10 on Dec 16, 2013 13:17:45 GMT -5
We had 34 family members on DH's side of the family RSVP for DSD's wedding in Oct. and not show up. Cost: $1200.00 just for the no-shows. Whatever. It happens. These are family members we'll see at the next family event and neither one of us would even consider mentioning it to them! Bride in the OP should just keep her big mouth shut. People take weddings WAY too seriously...
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Dec 16, 2013 13:26:12 GMT -5
DF is normally laid back, way more so than I am. But after we babysat yesterday, he was seriously wondering where he and the ex went wrong. They both feel they were good parents and raised kids with manners, so why aren't their grandchildren that way? I had no answer because I'm wondering if my kids will raise rude little hellions with no manners as well?
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sarcasticgirl
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Post by sarcasticgirl on Dec 16, 2013 13:27:54 GMT -5
We had 34 family members on DH's side of the family RSVP for DSD's wedding in Oct. and not show up. Cost: $1200.00 just for the no-shows. Whatever. It happens. These are family members we'll see at the next family event and neither one of us would even consider mentioning it to them! Bride in the OP should just keep her big mouth shut. People take weddings WAY too seriously... It isn't just weddings (I don't give a rats ass about weddings and if I had had my way- I'd have eloped). I would have the same complaint if there were a bunch of No shows to a dinner party or some other event. It is absolutely rude. some people should take weddings and other RSVP events MORE seriously.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 16, 2013 13:31:06 GMT -5
We had 34 family members on DH's side of the family RSVP for DSD's wedding in Oct. and not show up. Cost: $1200.00 just for the no-shows. Whatever. It happens. These are family members we'll see at the next family event and neither one of us would even consider mentioning it to them! Bride in the OP should just keep her big mouth shut. People take weddings WAY too seriously... It isn't just weddings (I don't give a rats ass about weddings and if I had had my way- I'd have eloped). I would have the same complaint if there were a bunch of No shows to a dinner party or some other event. It is absolutely rude. some people should take weddings and other RSVP events MORE seriously. My buddy used to buy the pay per view UFC fights and invite people over to watch them. He finally got so pissed at all the no shows that he no longer does it.
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sarcasticgirl
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Post by sarcasticgirl on Dec 16, 2013 13:46:51 GMT -5
It isn't just weddings (I don't give a rats ass about weddings and if I had had my way- I'd have eloped). I would have the same complaint if there were a bunch of No shows to a dinner party or some other event. It is absolutely rude. some people should take weddings and other RSVP events MORE seriously. My buddy used to buy the pay per view UFC fights and invite people over to watch them. He finally got so pissed at all the no shows that he no longer does it. I have pretty much stopped hosting events where more than a few people are invited. I refuse to waste money or time on people who clearly don't value me or my efforts. On one hand life has gotten a lot easier... on the other, I have a whole cabinet of serving dishes that rarely get used.
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