Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 9, 2013 16:24:48 GMT -5
Holidays have been a sore point with me ever since my kids became adults, married, and had kids. They have three sets of people to please . . . me, my ex/his wife/his mother, and the spouses' own parents.
Inevitably, when we try to make plans to celebrate some holiday, I get shuffled around as needed. I've let it bother me a lot, but DH has finally convinced me to let it go. So we celebrate Thanksgiving on Saturday night after and Christmas several days before or after?
So now it's Mother's Day. My daughter suggested breakfast close to her because she does have three small kids (so does my son . . . they live 20 miles apart). She was going to do lunch with the ex's family and dinner with her spouse's family.
Then she called back and said that wouldn't work. So how about dinner? That's fine.
Then she emailed again and said that doesn't work either. So how about breakfast after all? The reason is that her spouse's brother can only do dinner. She said breakfast was better for my DIL/son, too.
I asked my husband if it was ok if I just said, "Let's just skip it this year." I just don't see what is so special about us getting up at 6:30 on Sunday so that we can drive 45 minutes to eat breakfast at Cracker Barrel. I went with it originally just to be accommodating, but I feel as if I am being squeezed in as an afterthought.
He said, "Go for it," and I did. I tried to be really nice, but I also tried to explain that I have worked six-day weeks for the past two or three weeks. I am honestly physically exhausted. I get up at 4:30 every morning. I really don't want to get up at 6:30 on a Sunday morning to do something that no one else seems enthusiastic enough to follow through with. If they are doing it just to check off the "Celebrated Mother's Day with Mom box," why bother? I didn't write that last part (email, which is how she communicated all the change in plans).
I know there is another perspective . . . theirs. They are young mothers with small children. That's why we drive the 45 minutes and not them. I am sure they hate every holiday. But I hate them, too. I always feel marginalized. Yes, I have tried to talk with them, but my daughter just gets defensive.
So go ahead and tell me how wrong I am.
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t-dog
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Post by t-dog on May 9, 2013 16:31:43 GMT -5
I don't think you are.
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on May 9, 2013 16:36:24 GMT -5
I can tell you from the daughter's perspective that it is hard on her, too. I remember feeling pulled in 50 million different directions, especially when my kids were really little. Then I made the decision to stop pleasing everyone else and worry about making my children happy. Now I tell people what I am doing and ask if they would like to join. If not, we will get together a different time.
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cronewitch
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Post by cronewitch on May 9, 2013 16:40:47 GMT -5
I am not a mother but don't think it would bother me if they were available other times besides holidays.
My mom is a mother, grandmother and great grandmother. The great grand kids have divorced parents now but it was all the women in the family celebrated together. Two great grandmothers, two grandmothers and a mother. This year mom, her DIL and granddaughter will celebrate together with anyone who wants to come at my brother's campsite. The kids will probably have to leave early to go to their dad's to see his mother. I don't see why they would need to celebrate with a step mother even if their dad married the women who moved in when he kicked them out.
To me sending your mom flowers or just a phone call should be enough. Little kids making breakfast in bed or making a craft for mom but to have to deal with pleasing 3-4 other generations on both sides can get unwieldy especially with divorces and step parents.
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movingforward
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Post by movingforward on May 9, 2013 16:44:22 GMT -5
I don't think your wrong at all but then again I don't have kids and my mother was the only one I ever had to think about on Mother's Day.
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muttleynfelix
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Post by muttleynfelix on May 9, 2013 16:44:32 GMT -5
I don't think you are wrong at all. But then we don't really celebrate Mother's Day/Father's Day. At least not as a get together. My parent's were here last weekend, good enough for mom. I'll send her a photo card ... but it will be late (she knows I'm a little swamped at the moment). MIL lives in town, so we'll see her. This Father's Day we will see my dad just by chance. It wasn't truly designed that way. He's the only dad/Grandpa we have to worry about except for my DH. The rest of the Holidays, just keep it simple. Talk to your daughter about them not having to do everyone in one day. Like for Thanksgiving - our big get together is actually the Saturday afterwards and it is a big birthday party for everyone in our family with Nov/Dec birthdays. Christmas is a little more fluid, but we don't get together on Christmas Day. Maybe come up with a day that can be your special time to get together around certain holidays. It may help get take the stress out of everything.
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Formerly SK
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Post by Formerly SK on May 9, 2013 16:52:41 GMT -5
I can't believe your DD is trying to do three restaurant meals with three groups of people on Mother's Day. That's crazy chaos IMO.
I don't think you are wrong at all. I'm not big into Mothers Day, and frankly a relaxing day reading would be a better "gift" to me than what you are describing. One year when the kids were babies I had DH take the kids to his parents' house for the day on Mother's Day so I could sleep. It's just a Hallmark day - find a relaxing time to spend with your DD another day. The point is the relationship, not 5/12.
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Queen of Interesting Nuts
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Post by Queen of Interesting Nuts on May 9, 2013 16:54:16 GMT -5
I have a feeling I like be like you in the future, just trying to be calm but sometimes getting annoyed. My DD is having a baby in Nov and it is already talked about and seemingly a given by his family that she and the baby will be with his grandma this Christmas...
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chen35
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Post by chen35 on May 9, 2013 16:56:55 GMT -5
Your daughter is in a tough spot. She has three people/groups to please, plus she's a mother with small kids who it doesn't sound like is getting her own break on Mother's Day. I have started to hate the holidays for the same reason. It's just not fun anymore.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 9, 2013 17:02:56 GMT -5
Muttley, we already celebrate Thanksgiving and Christmas on different days from the actual holiday. I have no problem giving my ex-MIL first dibs (which takes care of celebrating with their dad and stepmom). She is a wonderful grandmother and in her late 80s. My daughter should make her grandmother a priority.
What bothers me is the changing multiple times. Tell me you are going to celebrate Mother's Day on Saturday. But don't tell me "breakfast, wait lunch, no breakfast after all" because you are having to work me in. We celebrated mine and my daughter's birthday two months afterward for me and one month afterward for her. No big deal.
I don't really see my daughter except at holidays. She has three kids (pregnant with a fourth) and works part-time. I work, too. She is multi-denominational so she attends three different church services on Sunday. She always works on Saturday since that is one less day of childcare. Her oldest grandchild asked why the house was always decorated for Christmas; that's because he usually comes over here at Thanksgiving or Christmas. The rest of the time we go down there.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on May 9, 2013 17:05:53 GMT -5
How is the relationship otherwise? Every holiday ends up like that for us too right now. Someone told me to hope that my kids want to schlep all over kingdom come when they are grown, so I try to be positive about it. But your remark about checking everyone off the list just so its done is really how I feel about it. Really all I want for mothers day is a nap. so of course Dh picked up extra shifts guaranteeing me no nap.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 9, 2013 17:07:45 GMT -5
I can't believe your DD is trying to do three restaurant meals with three groups of people on Mother's Day. That's crazy chaos IMO. It's not three restaurant meals. Only breakfast (or dinner or whatever is next) with me is in a restaurant. Lunch is at her stepmother's because it's really her grandmother that is being honored on Mother's Day. Dinner is at her mother-in-law's so that they can all get together (three brothers). I'd be glad to cook, but they don't want to come here. Too far with three young children (6, 4, and 1). Somehow it is different to go to her mother-in-law's, which is the same driving time (45 minutes). It is probably harder to say no to your mother-in-law than your mother.
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on May 9, 2013 17:15:49 GMT -5
I think at some point the parents of adult children (who have their own children) must give way to the younger generations of their family. The adult children with their own children would like to start their own family traditions so their kids have some traditions themselves to remember and cherish.
It's not easy taking the back seat when for so long you alone were the primary focus of your own children and now your grandchildren are your children's primary focus today.
Best to relinquish the crown with grace and understanding. Not all plans are going to please everyone. Focus on the big days like Thanksgiving and Christmas. Those give you the biggest family bang for your buck.
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Tiny
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Post by Tiny on May 9, 2013 17:23:09 GMT -5
I hated holidays like Mother's day - and I don't have kids. I had a rocky relationship with my mom and I always felt like I was "damned if I do and damned if I don't" when it came to holidays. So, while I don't have the problem you have - I do understand the stress related to them.
My suggestion would be to maybe come up with some something that makes you 'not feel bad' and something that your Adult children can do that might not make them 'feel bad' and that might be something that could be a somewhat pleasant memories for the Grand Kids (if any). Yeah, I know it's not suppose to work this way - with you, the 'recipient' basically finding a tactful way to guide your loved ones to a solution (since they should be the one's coming up with this - but remember that damned if you do/don't thing?? - it's very powerful at making people feel helpless and/or uncooperative.)
Here's some suggestions for Mother's day that might be satisfying for everyone involved:
you could suggest that a card/flowers/candy/phone call is sufficient for the Holiday: How about just getting a nice card (maybe with some 'artwork' from the G-kids)? Or what about getting flowers/candy/some something from them? How about a phone call on the special day where everyone sez a big "I love you Mom/Grandma! (little kids like to do this kinda stuff!)
Or what about coming up with some other tradition like maybe having the kids (adults/g-kids) get you flowers for your garden (or a hanging basket) and hand deliver it sometime around Mother's Day. You then put the flowers in your flower beds or hang the basket and then get to remark how much you are enjoying the beautiful flowers when you talk to the kids/grand kids.
Bird feeders/birdseed or something else that's seasonal might be more appropriate.
The idea here is to find some small ritual or tradition that's easy to fulfil so you can create some sort of memory for those involved.
FWIW: my nephews/neices have very fond memories of calling Grandma the morning of Mother's Day to sing/wish her a Happy GrandMother's day. I think sometimes a card was also sent. Grandma lived under 45 minutes away from all the g-kids/families.
I was incharge of getting and planting flowers (petunias, geranimums, etc) in the yard for Mom (my brother's contributed cash). My mom usually enjoyed seeing the flowers - even when she was complaining about the 'weeds' and having to water them.
I don't really suggest telling them to do nothing. It puts them in a hard place when other people ask them in a polite way "what are you doing for Mother's day" - it sucks to say "nothing. my mom said she doesn't want anything. so I'm not even calling."
Remember - you're trying to build something positive. Not make long term grief for everyone involved - especially since you've already got grief. Yeah, I know it sucks that you have to suggest/tell them what you want - but sometimes some honest communication up front - gets you the most 'joy' long term.
ADDED: I guess this all boils down to telling them that you'd be happy with a phone call/card/whatever on Mother's day and then being happy when they do that.
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muttleynfelix
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Post by muttleynfelix on May 9, 2013 17:28:20 GMT -5
That would piss me off to. But then I am a huge planner and if I don't have my holidays worked out a year in advance, I fret about it all year long. My DH thinks I'm nuts...which I am. But yeah, don't change your mind on me.
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Abby Normal
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Post by Abby Normal on May 9, 2013 17:39:59 GMT -5
I've been in your daughters position. When my son was young we did the run around cities to celebrate with both our mothers. One year, I got a little bitter. Spring is a really busy time for me and I looked at my DH and said " when do I get to celebrate my being a mother?" I'm really not big into these holidays and chalk them up to "stupid american holiday" but I was getting a little put out by all the running around. DH told both moms that we love them but we were doing our own thing. He and DS made all the arrangements and we took a day trip to the beach. It was the best mothers day ever.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 9, 2013 17:44:45 GMT -5
You're not wrong. Not. Not. Not. Not.
If I had my way Mother's Day wouldn't even exist. It's just one more "holiday" for my own kids to feel like they have to spend money that they don't have on yet more stuff that I don't need (and often don't even want). And I hated it when TGH was still alive and we lived down here. My kids always had in-laws and steps to see/eat a meal with/spend time with, and we were the ones who took a back seat every single holiday. We "celebrated" earlier or later or whenever the kids' in-laws/steps could "spare" them.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 9, 2013 17:45:51 GMT -5
Tiny Speck, I would rather have time with them than flowers or gifts. Spending time together in a loud restaurant with six small children (my son also has three . . . a 9, 7, and 1) is really not time.
I got an email from my daughter that said, "Fine, we will do dinner. I didn't think you cared since you didn't complain about the original breakfast."
I emailed her back and told her to enjoy her Mother's Day and suggested that maybe in a couple of weeks we could all get together. I told her that I wasn't upset, and I didn't want her to be upset either.
Why email? She can rarely call before 9:30 or 10:00 because of the kids, and I go to bed at 9:00. Remember that I get up at 4:30. I would stay up if I knew she was calling, but I don't like to be awakened because when you are older, it is difficult to go back to sleep. So we have no telephone in our bedroom and shut the door so we can't hear it if it rings.
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Formerly SK
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Post by Formerly SK on May 9, 2013 18:09:57 GMT -5
Why don't you sit down with your DD after the dust has settled and discuss how to do holidays. I'm sure she is stressed to the max trying to juggle everyone's needs (or perceived needs) and feels guilty for any slight people complain about (or she thinks they will complain about). Talk when the emotions have all died down and try to approach it as "We have this issue that will never go away so how do we best deal with it?" Also, try not to be offended that is appears your DD is catering to her MIL more than you. Just because the squeaky wheel gets the grease doesn't mean everyone loves the squeaky wheel more. Honestly, if I had a Mom who was flexible/forgiving and a MIL who was demanding, I may do what my MIL wants to keep the peace, but I'd appreciate and love my mom more just because her flexibility was more helpful to me during a trying time. So, try not to compare.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 9, 2013 18:20:44 GMT -5
If you want to pass the torch on Mother's Day, you could tell your daughter that it is her special day now. There is a Grandparent's Day in September - maybe that would be a less hectic time for them to come to your house for lunch?
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Peace Of Mind
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Post by Peace Of Mind on May 9, 2013 18:36:23 GMT -5
If I were you I'd be upset at always having to give up the actual holiday to others in her life. Since you give up the two big ones I think you have every right to want to spend Mother's Day with your daughter and have it be special and not have to wake up with the chickens to do it. I can see why you feel like you are somewhat a chore being fitted in her busy schedule. It is a busy schedule and she is a mom too but I get where you are coming from and feel you have every right to do what you want to do even if it's not with her. It sounds like your daughter is trying to please too many people and probably would feel horrible if she thought she was hurting your feelings. It's up to you to remember what that was like - being pulled in so many directions at once - and not taking it personal or being honest with her about how you feel. Regardless - I hope all the moms here have a Happy Mother's Day! It's a thankless job but the most important and hardest ever!
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swamp
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Post by swamp on May 9, 2013 18:40:31 GMT -5
Meh. It's just another day. I'm spending it at a lacrosse tournament.
But on other holidays, I rrefuse to kill myself trying to visit everyone, especially now that I have kids. You want to see me on the holiday, great, you're welcome to come. You don't wanna come, that's fine too. I'll see you later.
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sesfw
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Post by sesfw on May 9, 2013 18:42:47 GMT -5
When DH#1 was still alive ...... DD's in-laws were absolutely wonderful. They invited the kids and various in-law/family to their home for pot luck celebrations.
We were very blessed.
Both of the dad's have passed on now and MIL has moved to another state but the memories I have will never be forgotten and always cherished.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 9, 2013 19:18:13 GMT -5
Hugs. I feel for you and your daughter. I think it's fair that you ask her to be consistent on times and dates. Since Mother's Day itself is so busy for your daughter have you considered celebrating the day or week before? My mom is a florist so we always celebrate holidays later than the actual date. It's nice to not fight for times or reservations.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on May 9, 2013 20:00:46 GMT -5
Why don't you sit down with your DD after the dust has settled and discuss how to do holidays. I'm sure she is stressed to the max trying to juggle everyone's needs (or perceived needs) and feels guilty for any slight people complain about (or she thinks they will complain about). Talk when the emotions have all died down and try to approach it as "We have this issue that will never go away so how do we best deal with it?" Also, try not to be offended that is appears your DD is catering to her MIL more than you. Just because the squeaky wheel gets the grease doesn't mean everyone loves the squeaky wheel more. Honestly, if I had a Mom who was flexible/forgiving and a MIL who was demanding, I may do what my MIL wants to keep the peace, but I'd appreciate and love my mom more just because her flexibility was more helpful to me during a trying time. So, try not to compare. So much this!
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midjd
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Post by midjd on May 9, 2013 20:18:15 GMT -5
I don't think you're wrong for not wanting to get up early to drive 45 minutes to eat at Cracker Barrel, or for feeling hurt that you're being squeezed in. On the other hand, I can sympathize with your daughter - right now we're the ones who end up driving to visit family most of the time (ours live about 20 minutes apart, we are 45+ from both). My parents are divorced so we always have to drive at least 3 places to see everyone. Once midgetjd is born, schlepping around is going to become a PITA really quickly. With 3+ kids it has to be exponentially worse, especially if she lives close to her ILs, your ex's family, and other family members. But I asked DH if I get to stay home on Mother's Day next year instead of spending the entire day driving around to see our mothers, and he got pretty upset, so I think he's on your side.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on May 9, 2013 20:28:16 GMT -5
SS, you Always get the short end of the stick and you always back down to make things easier for your DD. I get that but it's going to backfire and already has. Because she can shuffle you around, she has no excuse to ever say enough is enough and we are going to MY mothers for a change.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 9, 2013 20:54:33 GMT -5
You are probably right, Zib, but she is my baby girl. I want to make her life easier, not harder. So I called at 8:30 (twilight for my bedtime and maybe my grandkids' . . . LOL) to talk about it. She was scared I was just "saying" that it was ok not to do it on Mother's Day. I tried to remind her that she is a mother, and she laughed, saying, "Not on Mother's Day." Before I called, I remembered my Mother's Day's with my kids. I didn't have a mother. When my son was about five, he found an offer from McDonald's where if you brought your mother, her meal was free. So he wanted to take me there. And he invited his grandmother as well. So for the most of the years I was married, Mother's Day was breakfast at McDonald's with my MIL. I love my MIL so that was awesome. And I truly loved breakfast (as bad as it was) with my kids. The point is that I always got to enjoy being a mother on Mother's Day. Those who said it was time for my kids to enjoy being a mother, too, are absolutely right. So I told my daughter what I said above, and she was really happy. "If it was really ok to do it in a couple of weeks . . . " Absolutely. Just don't make me get up at 6:30 or stay up past 9:30. It's not me; the puppy dog needs her sleep 18/7.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on May 9, 2013 20:55:10 GMT -5
Why email? She can rarely call before 9:30 or 10:00 because of the kids, and I go to bed at 9:00. Remember that I get up at 4:30. I would stay up if I knew she was calling, but I don't like to be awakened because when you are older, it is difficult to go back to sleep. So we have no telephone in our bedroom and shut the door so we can't hear it if it rings.
SS- I'm in that situation as well, unable to generally talk to my folks over the phone, except for one night a week. Our schedules simply don't mesh. It is what it is. FWIW, I fully intend to not celebrate the holidays on "the holiday" with my kids as they get older. For one, it will be nice having some quiet time with my DH at some point. And two, I don't want to put that kind of pressure on my kids. When they have kids, they deserve to have their own family traditions when their kids are young. If they wait until I'm dead to start their own traditions, they'll have missed the window with their own kids...
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bean29
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Post by bean29 on May 9, 2013 21:03:00 GMT -5
DH and I face this dillema for nearly every Holiday. It is extremely stressfull. My Mom is primary caretaker for my disabled father so I bend over backwards to do what she wants. My MIL has 8 children and is much more laid back about the holidays. This year for Mother's Day DS decided we were celebrating her 8 year old's birthday along with Mother's Day. My Mom decided to invite DS's MIL to her house to keep my sister from needing to do 2 parties in one Day. She set the party for 4pm. Then my oldest DN brother to the birthday girl asked my Mom to move the party up b/c he had a conflict with his in-laws. He offered Mom help with the food and preparations too. Mom realized earlier this week that I was the only one she neglected to clear the time change with. My DH was pissed. He had already made plans with his family. I thought about it for a day and told my Mom we will not be there for dinner but we will be there for Cake. I could tell my Mom was very stressed out and beating herself up about it. I told her not to beat herself up about it, that we all face a lot of stress in these situations and we are killing ourselves to please everyone else. My MIL often gets slighted b/c of her laid back attitude and I just did not want to go there.
Since your Dd is killing herself trying to please 3 families I would suggest you divide up the holidays and pick a few that you will celebrate together and some you will skip. When I was a kid it was Thanksgiving with my Paternal Grandparents (3.5 hour trip) and Easter, Christmas and Mother's Day with my Maternal Grandmother (45 min trip). I have longed for this kind of Holiday Division and DH thinks it is a great idea, however we don't have the nerve to carry it out.
My SIL has always maintained that Mother's day is her Day and Father's Day is brother's Day and they have always done their own thing.
I am rooting for a positive resolution for you.
Sent from my MB855 using proboards
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