Phoenix84
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Post by Phoenix84 on May 10, 2013 9:48:44 GMT -5
But yeah, holidays can suck all around for all parities involved. And I can seae how it's stressful to have to have 24 hours to spend with one set of relatives, then pack up and spend the rest of the time with the other set of relatives.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 10, 2013 9:50:07 GMT -5
DH and BIL suggested that we go to brunch for Mother's Day this year (presumably because their Mom will like it). So I got a text yesterday around lunchtime asking me where we should go, since the place they wanted to go doesn't take reservations and we'll be waiting for a while by the time everyone shows up (SIL is chronically late). I told them to ask their Mom what she would like to do. I haven't heard whether or not they listened to me, but I'll bet she would rather have the grand kids come over for a couple of hours instead of spending time in a crowded restaurant. My Mom has already suggested that we leave our kids at home with their Dads and the sisters all come over to her house for a girls-only dinner. Nothing like celebrating you're motherhood by ditching the kids!
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MarleyKeezy78
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Post by MarleyKeezy78 on May 10, 2013 9:57:40 GMT -5
We have been hosting Mother's Day for the last two years for my inlaws and grandmas if they can make it. Inlaws come all the time and now expect us to host every year. This year my grandma wanted DH, DS and I to go out with my side of the family and so we made plans first. Now inlaws are all, I guess we will find something to do that day. Now they are going to dinner by themselves and making us feel guilty, awesome Not like DH's brother and his family could ever do anything on Mothers Day for them, noooo! Not like anyone considers my feelings on Mothers Day We decided that from now on we will host Mothers Day and Fathers Day and not deal with the drama ( there was some drama on my side of the fam about dining choice) I'll just get my bottle of wine and be fine There was a lot more drama than I posted but it just gets too long to type it all. Anyway, I am happy you will be able to enjoy your Mothers Day drama free! ETA: We are having the inlaws over next weekend for dinner so not like we are not celebrating with them.
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muttleynfelix
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Post by muttleynfelix on May 10, 2013 9:58:05 GMT -5
I'm going to remember to give my Mom and MIL hugs for not being too fussy about most of the holidays. MIL is fussy about Christmas to an extent but she's starting to go with my flow for it, somewhat. Me too. My MIL can drive me batty at times - the moldy rolls of Christmas and her being mad that we made crescent rolls instead of buns to substitute at the last minute, but over all, our families are good about it. Of course Hubby and I said when we got married, you guys get Christmas or Thanksgiving and we'll try to alternate the next year. It hasn't always worked out that way ... the whole being 9 months pregnant on Christmas kept us from travelling a couple years. But we are pretty firm. I also coordinate all my trips home with my siblings so that we can actually see each other. I also coordinate with my Aunt, Uncle and Cousin and my Grandma's cousin from the east coast so that hopefully we can see them too. It doesn't always work that way, but we try.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 10, 2013 9:58:11 GMT -5
You saw how I'm getting a pedicure and whatnot after the brunch, right? I already told DH that DS and he can get me a Mommy's Free pass for the day.
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andi9899
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Post by andi9899 on May 10, 2013 9:59:07 GMT -5
I understand not wanting to hang out with the ex. But can the rest of you get together? I don't know your family's dynamics, but in my family, both sides all know each other and get along and we do a lot of things combined. I'm sure it gets complicated with exes which I have no experience with as my parents are still married and my Baby Daddy doesn't participate. But maybe 2 groups could get together and kill 2 birds with the same stone?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 10, 2013 10:04:02 GMT -5
Holidays. They were designed to remind us to remember people, places (where events took place) and things involved in the two. I try to do this in a sense for each holiday that is important to me. I keep in mind during any holiday though, to remain as stress free as possible. Bad stress removes the potential fun of the celebration. Mother's Day seems to be one holiday I to remember and celebrate with my children on whichever day pleases them.. As long as I have a few days ahead notice of their plans. That is called courtesy, I remind them.
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muttleynfelix
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Post by muttleynfelix on May 10, 2013 10:21:35 GMT -5
You saw how I'm getting a pedicure and whatnot after the brunch, right? I already told DH that DS and he can get me a Mommy's Free pass for the day. Hubby told me I could do whatever I wanted for the day... Go shopping, just get out, etc. It has been crazy at work and will continue the rest of the month, so I just want to snuggle with my kiddos on Sunday. Poor timing I guess. There I times I would love to have a half day to myself. But right now, I just want to spend some time with them.... of course by Sunday afternoon, I may change my mind.
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sheilaincali
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Post by sheilaincali on May 10, 2013 10:38:33 GMT -5
I hate celebrating holidays. I wish they would just call or email me and say "be at this restaurant at this time for lunch". No in my family it's always "oh show up whenever (meaning your siblings will be here at the asscrack of dawn with their ill-behaved children)" followed by "Your mom will make breakfast too" - which really means - your mom will serve undercooked eggbake and burned sausage but you will still need to be here for the "official" meal of lunch. If you leave early and aren't here to have leftovers for dinner than your mother will passive aggressively give you the silent treatment for the next two weeks. And there you have successfully lost an entire day to sitting at your mom's trying not to get in an argument with anyone and watching your idiot brother ignore his ill behaved children as they systematically destroy your mom's house.
Every single holiday with them is exactly the same. I've been trying to explain to them that we have family traditions and things that WE like to do. Eh- my mom barely tolerates me and is going to find some reason to not speak to me better than 50% of the time anyway so I might as well do whatever I want.
This year- we are doing brunch and board games with our friends (it's always their daughter's birthday), I'll swing by the nursing home to visit with my grandma (it's like 2 miles from my house) and bring her a bird feeder for outside her window. After that we will stop at my moms and drop her off a plant and a card. Then it becomes my day and we are going to go see Iron Man 3.
Haven't spoken to the inlaws since Christmas, haven't seen them since Feb 2009 so they are a non-issue. DH will probably call her.
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lynnerself
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Post by lynnerself on May 10, 2013 10:57:36 GMT -5
You guys realize that some of these are nice problems to have? My Mom has passed. MIL is 500 miles away. DS and DD are in school, a 4 hour drive away. We did see them recently, so not expecting another trip. I will be spending Mothers Day working in the yard.
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Gardening Grandma
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Post by Gardening Grandma on May 10, 2013 11:04:39 GMT -5
You guys realize that some of these are nice problems to have? My Mom has passed. MIL is 500 miles away. DS and DD are in school, a 4 hour drive away. We did see them recently, so not expecting another trip. I will be spending Mothers Day working in the yard.
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Gardening Grandma
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Post by Gardening Grandma on May 10, 2013 11:05:29 GMT -5
Add me to the list of Mother's Day dreaders. My own mother lives in another state with advanced Alzheimers. I send flowers knowing she will have no clue where they came from. My sons are good guys, but they MAY call - or may not. If I wanted the work of cooking a big dinner, they'd come over, but somehow cooking a big dinner on Mothers Day doesn't do it for me. Last year, I was in Venice on Mothers Day. It was the best ever. This year, we are going to a friend's house. I may or may not get a call from my sons.... I too used to send flowers on Mother's Day to my mother but she was in a nursing home with other Alzheimer's sufferers. She too wouldn't know who they were for nor who sent them. So instead I simply sent the flowers to the nursing home and asked that the flowers be placed in the resident's dining room for all to enjoy. What a lovely idea! I am going to do this in the future....
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on May 10, 2013 11:12:45 GMT -5
Ugh - what a nightmare. I am starting to be really annoyed with holidays. When my husband and I first married, my mother would give me all this grief because we would spend Christmas with her and not my husband's brother. I kept telling her that he didn't invite us and didn't really want us there. And she felt guilty that she "took" my husband from his family. So, I didn't think it would be a big deal last year when I told my mom we were going to spend Thanksgiving with my in-laws, and my mom got all bent out of shape. So, we drive around from house to house, trying to fit everyone in. It is so lame.
We only count 4 holidays - Easter, Thanksgiving, Christmas and Christmas Eve. I don't mess around with family politics on Mother's Day and other silly holidays like that. I'll give you a call and tell you I love you. But guess what - I'm[/i] a mother, too. So, it is as much my holiday as it is yours. So, here is what I want to do on my holiday - sit in my jammies on the couch and watch a movie with my kids.
I've known several families that have a set time together - like the first Friday of every month, or Sunday night dinners, or even (my favorite) the 5th Saturday. You still get that obligatory family time, but you don't have to compete with the guilt of it being a time when everyone wants to see you. I've thought about instituting that with my parents and my sister.
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swasat
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Post by swasat on May 10, 2013 11:33:22 GMT -5
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Post by Deleted on May 10, 2013 11:38:39 GMT -5
swasat -
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greeniis10
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Post by greeniis10 on May 10, 2013 11:47:49 GMT -5
MidJD, I'm late to this thread, but set the standard right away! Maybe you were just kidding in your comment up thread, but if you want Mother's Day yourself, do it right away with your first one!
Just my opinion, but I set my standards right away and have stuck to it. DH is free to spend Mother's Day with his mother (or any day, for that matter) but I stay home and take the day to myself. His parents live about an hour away. My kids all have MILs and extended family to please and they know I'm flexible and will see them whenever I see them (which is all the time; a certain day or holiday makes no difference to me). I don't want to add extra pressure to an already stressful time for everyone, so I make sure they know I'm fine with whatever they all need to do.
But, SS, I don't think you're wrong, either. We all feel the way we feel and "right or wrong" to others really doesn't matter. We need to do whatever we need to within our own families to create a happy, peaceful environment. And, while traditions are great, what works for you one year may not work the next. Do whatever makes you happy at this time!
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on May 10, 2013 11:51:43 GMT -5
You guys realize that some of these are nice problems to have? My Mom has passed. MIL is 500 miles away. DS and DD are in school, a 4 hour drive away. We did see them recently, so not expecting another trip. I will be spending Mothers Day working in the yard. You aren't the only one. My DH (who works part time) has been falling way behind with his share of the household stuff. So, my weekend is going to be spent catching everyone and everything up, especially since the kids are going to be super busy with end of the year stuff. I'm also guessing my husband has not yet gotten me a card. Since I haven't had time to put together a list of gifts, there will be no small tokens of appreciation. So, yeah, I get to deal with everyone's laundry, work, oversee final school projects, and clean on mother's day. And since my night to do baby duty is Saturday night, it means I'll have the pleasure of doing that on 3-5 hours of sleep, in two chunks. My MIL is out of town and my mom is mentally ill. Working on my yard without fishing dirt out of anyone's mouth sounds like heaven to me.
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on May 10, 2013 11:51:45 GMT -5
I wonder if any of you who has Mother's day drama have the same one for Father's day ?
Don't mean anything by it, just curious.
Swasat - I am so so very sorry for your loss
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vonna
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Post by vonna on May 10, 2013 12:10:19 GMT -5
swasat -- I can relate to Mother's day being very hard, and I lost my mom over 10 years ago. DH has bought the mother's day cards for his mom ever since and my new stepmom after my dad remarried, because I still can't handle reading/picking out mother's day cards.(and I even adore my stepmom and MIL) I get pretty teary-eyed reading the cards my kids get me as well, partly because I am just a sap, and partly because of that whole "circle of life" thing that pulls my heartstrings for my mom.
Mother's day is probably the biggest emotional trigger for me when it comes to my mom being gone. And, our family never made a big deal of Mother's day, just a card and a call, usually.
Anyway, for what it is worth, I'm sending good thoughts your way as you balance the joy in your own motherhood with the painful loss of your mom.
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NancysSummerSip
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Post by NancysSummerSip on May 10, 2013 12:29:07 GMT -5
You guys realize that some of these are nice problems to have? My Mom has passed. MIL is 500 miles away. DS and DD are in school, a 4 hour drive away. We did see them recently, so not expecting another trip. I will be spending Mothers Day working in the yard. Same for me regarding my mother and MIL. Brothers and their families live elsewhere, and both of them have their own kids and mothers-in-law to deal...I mean celebrate with. DH and I have no kids, unless you count the four-legged kind. I spend a good part of this week going through the last of my mother's personal possessions. I'm giving myself the gift of getting out of the house Sunday, if only for a few hours. I'm running a 5-mile race to benefit children with cancer, followed by a swim and then lunch with a dear friend who lost his son last year. Now there's a person with something to grieve about. I figure I'm better off giving back something to the moms (and dads) whose kids need real help, than sitting around the house.
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muttleynfelix
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Post by muttleynfelix on May 10, 2013 13:47:46 GMT -5
This thread did make me get off my bum and contact my Aunt about when they are visiting my Grandma this summer. She said she didn't know and for me to pick a date and they will try to plan their trip around that weekend. So, I contacted my mom, SIL and sister and gave them 5 weekends in July and August. My sister (and fam) are pretty much free every weekend. My SIL has a couple busy weeks. So, we're just waiting on mom to finalize what weekend (and week since she is taking DS for the either the week before or after we visit) she wants us. Awe communication.... is there any reason with email, cell phones, texting, facebook, etc to not effectively communicate with people?
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on May 10, 2013 17:16:56 GMT -5
It's Mother's Day. Do what you as a Mother want to do. You want to skip breakfast at CB then just say this Mother is gonna stay home, etc.
Why don't you just postpone it for another time when you can spend time with daughter. My son and I do Mothers Day on Saturday. But then he doesn't have a boat load of people to please - just me and I pick day and what I want to do. I feel for you and your daughter.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 10, 2013 18:19:12 GMT -5
Some fun for the mom's of younger children:
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suesinfl
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Post by suesinfl on May 10, 2013 18:57:31 GMT -5
I too used to send flowers on Mother's Day to my mother but she was in a nursing home with other Alzheimer's sufferers. She too wouldn't know who they were for nor who sent them. So instead I simply sent the flowers to the nursing home and asked that the flowers be placed in the resident's dining room for all to enjoy. What a lovely idea! I am going to do this in the future.... Add me to the list of doing this from now on. Wonderful idea!
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toomuchreality
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Post by toomuchreality on May 11, 2013 0:52:01 GMT -5
Ugh. Ever since I got divorced I have not been able to see my kids, the day of any holiday. For many years I have resented this. Now (the last few years) I kind of like it. I got my own day. That is, until this last Christmas. My DD is getting married, and now every time I think my kids and I are getting together (boyfriends included), I find out that DD MIL and SIL are coming too. Dang it! I put up with sharing, and coming 2nd all my kids lives. I don't want to do that any more! I feel like the only thing that changed, are the players. No doubt I sound/this is selfish. But once in awhile, I'd enjoy feeling like I came first. Like they actually made the choice to put me first, not because they had to. I tried to explain this at Christmas. It didn't go over well. I have always disliked mother's day, even as a kid.. I hate how everyone get these expectations. Then when they aren't met. everyone gets hurt feelings. And I hate pretending that I don't care, or that it's okay, when I really do care, and it's really not okay. -→ I don't think you're wrong. Good luck in your decision! -tmr Are those two women your future son-in-law's only family? Would they be spending a holiday alone if your daughter didn't include them? After my grandfather passed away, my dad's mom lived alone. She was always invited to our family's celebrations. And not just when they were at our house. My mom's side recognized that my dad's mom was part of the family, so it didn't matter who was hosting, she was never alone on Christmas. Because that's what you do Nope. They are not his only family, and they would not be spending a holiday alone. Although I get your point, if they were. I actually quite like his mom. His sister is currently in drug rehab, so it's hard to say how much I like or dislike her. I don't feel like I know her. What I have seen of her though, I could do without- and all the drama caused by her because she didn't show up or whatever. I don't mind sharing sometimes. But there are times when I'd rather not, is all. And because his family refuses to compromise, I always have to. It seems like his mom is ALWAYS there. Like I am not gaining a son, but/and she stole my daughter. That I don't enjoy so much! Hey, SS- Are you feeling any better? Less like you are wrong? I hope you end up enjoying Sunday.
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Jaguar
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Post by Jaguar on May 11, 2013 1:28:32 GMT -5
I don't celebrate actual holidays, everyone's expectations are so overblown. I celebrated Christmas with my sister on April 22nd. My Birthday is in May, but I celebrate that in November.
Mother's Day will be a huge blow out and we will celebrate that for a few months. My sister with stage 4 kidney cancer, well her doctors have told her that all the tumors in her brain are gone. The tumors in her lungs [2] and her kidney [1] are small. She was taken off the heavy duty Chemotherapy and put on another with less side effects. She was taken off the drug that made her tired and another drug that suppressed her appetite. All in all I think it's a fabulous occasion to celebrate for a few months.
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Post by Deleted on May 11, 2013 1:47:10 GMT -5
I wonder if any of you who has Mother's day drama have the same one for Father's day ? Don't mean anything by it, just curious. Swasat - I am so so very sorry for your loss I don't because my dad is an easy going guy. My mother on the other hand is a drama queen. I do not spend Mother's Day with her anymore and haven't for years. I do call her and wish her a Happy Mother's Day. I hate doing holidays at my parents. It doesn't matter how far I drove or how long it has been since they saw my kids, my mom ALWAYS talks about my brother. If he can't be there because he is in jail or rehab, then her entire holiday is ruined and she cries. Usually when I walk in she will say something awesome to me like "wow, your butt got big" or some other rude comment. If I don't show up then I get an email about how she doesn't know what she did wrong and why I am mad at her, but that I am her only daughter and she deserves to see me more than Goose's parents do. Uhm....Goose's mom doesn't constantly insult me. So sometimes there is a reason why people don't want to spend holidays with family. I try to do the best I can. Most of the time we just decide to stay home and be with our kids.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on May 11, 2013 5:32:21 GMT -5
Oh, Ima, we could be sisters. I feel nothing on Mother's Day except wanting to be with MY kids. I lost my mom way before she died. The nicest she ever was to me was when I was going through my divorce and that was only because she loved to see me suffering. Plus, could "tell me so" not to marry that bum from that trash family. She was right, which made it more awful. Which is why I tell my kids to look carefully at the family they marry into, that shit follows them.
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on May 11, 2013 8:16:14 GMT -5
Again, I didn't really mean anything by my question, I just often wonder if women in general pay much more attention to such things than men do.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 11, 2013 8:39:49 GMT -5
Again, I didn't really mean anything by my question, I just often wonder if women in general pay much more attention to such things than men do. I didn' think you meant anything by it. I just tend to go off on a tangent about holidays since going home is not enjoyable to me.
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