lurkyloo
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Post by lurkyloo on May 9, 2013 21:10:25 GMT -5
I don't think you're wrong either (although I do feel for your daughter as well, with three kids and a fourth on the way ) One possibility I wanted to throw out there: have you considered that they may not want her MIL driving that far for other reasons? Our parents are getting to the point where we're worried about them on the road (e.g. FIL backed into my driver's side mirror at Christmas and never even noticed); your daughter might just be trying to prevent an accident.
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Sharon
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Post by Sharon on May 9, 2013 21:31:58 GMT -5
I am dreading mother's day. My Mom always made a big production out of it when I was growing up. She still does on every holiday. She would cook a big dinner and have both sets of grandparents and my great aunt and uncle who never had children. All the women would get potted flowers, geraniums or begonias.
Mom thinks that is how you are supposed to celebrate the holiday. My brother and SIL, and sister and BIL never ever ever host a holiday. My SIL will for her family but never anything for our family. That leaves me to carry on what my mother expects.
If it were up to me I would take Mom to breakfast at the fire hall and then spend the rest of the day relaxing. My DD is on a school field trip and won't be home this weekend. Instead I will be fixing dinner for my sister and her family who eat everything that isn't nailed down. My brother and his family will show up but they haven't bothered to tell me that they will. My Dad probably won't even show up.
I have had a completely, totally shitty week at work and am about a half a second from walking out and quitting / or getting fired (not sure which will happen first) and I have to cook a big dinner for a bunch of idiots.
Mom is good at playing the martyr. I don't know why we have to have this big ass celebration. She lives a mile away I see her all the time.
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GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl
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Post by GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl on May 9, 2013 21:56:44 GMT -5
And, now, another viewpoint.
The purpose of holidays is to force us to slow down long enough to actually spend some time with our extended families and friends, because, let's face it without a major holiday, years could pass before some of us would. Life happens. Life is full. Everyone's overscheduled or tired or just that amount too far away.
So, without holidays, we would keep putting off family get-togethers until it was too late and important family members will be gone from our lives forever when we finally get around to it without us ever really having spent time with them.
So, from one daughter to another, from one daughter-in-law to another, and from one mother to another, suck it up and spend some time with your mother/grandmother/mother-in-law/daughter/daughter-in-law on any day in May -- whether it is this Sunday or next Thursday or the last Friday night in May.
The date isn't important. The time together is.
Both my mother and mother-in-law are gone -- both far too soon and far too young and without ever really knowing my children. I'd trade all of my own remaining Mother's Day for just one with all 3 generations together.
Life is short, folks. Too short. Enjoy it and the people in it while you can.
JMHO. YMMV.
<<<<<--------stepping off of the soapbox. "Next?"
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bean29
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Post by bean29 on May 9, 2013 22:01:28 GMT -5
Sharon I am sorry you are having a bad week. I am stressed out over my job too. I got reamed out today too. I just don't get paid enough for the expectations they have. I do have other options too. It ran thru my mind to just walk out. Then I realized today that my Mom has not done a holiday in about 2 years w/o me going over the Day before to help her clean. I need to look for the receipt to our push mower which is broken and barely still under warranty Sent from my MB855 using proboards
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on May 9, 2013 22:01:30 GMT -5
And, now, another viewpoint. The purpose of holidays is to force us to slow down long enough to actually spend some time with our extended families and friends, because, let's face it without a major holiday, years could pass before some of us would. Life happens. Life is full. Everyone's overscheduled or tired or just that amount too far away. So, without holidays, we would keep putting off family get-togethers until it was too late and important family members will be gone from our lives forever when we finally get around to it without us ever really having spent time with them. So, from one daughter to another, from one daughter-in-law to another, and from one mother to another, suck it up and spend some time with your mother/grandmother/mother-in-law/daughter/daughter-in-law on any day in May -- whether it is this Sunday or next Thursday or the last Friday night in May. The date isn't important. The time together is. Both my mother and mother-in-law are gone -- both far too soon and far too young and without ever really knowing my children. I'd trade all of my own remaining Mother's Day for just one with all 3 generations together. Life is short, folks. Too short. Enjoy it and the people in it while you can. JMHO. YMMV. <<<<<--------stepping off of the soapbox. "Next?" Holy crap, my mom would be in a world of hurt if I waited for holidays to spend time with her, no matter how busy I am. My kids are still young, so I truly hope we have good enough relationship where they don't use "holidays" as our time-spend together
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on May 9, 2013 22:05:42 GMT -5
Susana, if I remember correctly, you had about the same issue last year. So, you are not wrong. You can't be wrong in how you feel.
I can't offer much of anything else bc the concept of not seeing my mom for too long is foreign to me. We also talk every day. That being said, ever since I moved away from MD I don't think I've psychically spend any Mother's days with her. I do, however, owe her 7 trips to Atlantic City bc I am her "let's go gamble" buddy and I haven't been able to go since 2007.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 9, 2013 22:05:57 GMT -5
Sharon, I used to do Thanksgiving for 20-30 people. The last few years the kids, husband and I just go to the movies. Much more pleasant Sometimes you just gotta get to No. I already have plans, thanks.
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Sammy
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Post by Sammy on May 9, 2013 23:34:06 GMT -5
Ugh, I feel bad for those of you who are stressed and trying to do your best to please your families. I recall a friend telling me she would spend the day with her mom and her husband spend the day with his mom. That's great except for what do you do with the grandchildren? Why is there so much jockeying for position when these holidays roll around......and who wrote the dang rules? I've got a solution..... leave the family behind and get all the mom generations together and spend the day enjoying each other without all the hoopla. How many of you actually enjoy the day without working your butts off?? I figure darn few. We get together at our daughter's house and send out for food. This way all the moms get to enjoy the day.
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toomuchreality
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Post by toomuchreality on May 10, 2013 3:11:48 GMT -5
Ugh. Ever since I got divorced I have not been able to see my kids, the day of any holiday. For many years I have resented this. Now (the last few years) I kind of like it. I got my own day. That is, until this last Christmas. My DD is getting married, and now every time I think my kids and I are getting together (boyfriends included), I find out that DD MIL and SIL are coming too.
Dang it! I put up with sharing, and coming 2nd all my kids lives. I don't want to do that any more! I feel like the only thing that changed, are the players.
No doubt I sound/this is selfish. But once in awhile, I'd enjoy feeling like I came first. Like they actually made the choice to put me first, not because they had to. I tried to explain this at Christmas. It didn't go over well.
I have always disliked mother's day, even as a kid.. I hate how everyone get these expectations. Then when they aren't met. everyone gets hurt feelings. And I hate pretending that I don't care, or that it's okay, when I really do care, and it's really not okay.
-→ I don't think you're wrong.
Good luck in your decision! -tmr
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skubikky
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Post by skubikky on May 10, 2013 6:49:04 GMT -5
You know what kiddo? You feel how you feel. It's Mother's day and you get to do what you want and feel comfortable about. I give you credit for being honest instead of letting those feelings stew. I imagine that after all is said and done....it hurts. Your daughter has her priorities and isn't likely to change.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on May 10, 2013 6:52:07 GMT -5
But don't give up EVERY holiday the way you do now. This needs to cease and desist. Even if you drive to take the burden off her, some holidays need to be just your family and your DD.
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happyscooter
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Post by happyscooter on May 10, 2013 6:58:47 GMT -5
I feel sorry for you and your daughter. She is a mother also. When is her time? When you and her MIL are gone? My mother wasn't always taken out on Mothers Day after me/my sibs had children. But she accepted it. Was she hurt? I'm sure she was. My MIL was hurt also, I am sure, when we didn't take her out every year. Especially when she heard the SIL talk about what her daughter did.
I agree, it is a Hallmark Holiday. And we have never celebrated Grandparents Day. Never. Not even a card. Because we had just celebrated the same people 3/4 months earlier.
We have started having Thanksgiving the weekend before the actual Thursday. Although it ties up our kids for 2 days, it is better than them cooking 5-6 dishes, driving 20-30 miles and eating 2 big meals in a 6 hour time frame. Which is what we did for MANY years.
I can understand your hurt. And like someone said 'you are probably the only one who never said anything so your daughter thought you were ok with everything.'
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Opti
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Post by Opti on May 10, 2013 7:20:41 GMT -5
SS, sorry you are feeling left out/marginalized for Mother's Day with DD. It does seem though you have abdicated your position somewhat by giving it to her Grandmother on XH's side. I agree you should tell your daughter how you feel and maybe come up with a way to celebrate that works for you both. As an adult, I never lived in the same state as my Mom so Mother's Day usually involved a greeting card and a phone call. Mother's Day is the busiest day of the year for phone calls so sometimes I ended up doing the phone call Monday instead if I got to many circuits are busy messages. Perhaps you can ask her to call you with the kids on the line Mother's Day morning and perhaps have your Mother's Day the Sunday before or after Mother's Day every year. That way in some sense you can have the best of both worlds - you get contacted before the rest of the other non-household Moms in her life and you can share some significant time with her and your grandkids because she won't need to fit others in. Or you could request she move her Grandmother to Grandparent's Day or the week before or after. And I do like the idea of seeing if you can get DD to agree to one holiday that is yours or you are primary whether it is Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter or something else. Poor DD must be exhausted with all that juggling! When I first read the OP, since you mentioned Saturday, I was thinking she had done the sensible thing and scheduled everyone for Saturday leaving her with the actual Mother's Day for her.
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happyscooter
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Post by happyscooter on May 10, 2013 7:26:05 GMT -5
Not to hijack the thread, but when we attended church, there was always a gift for mothers. A rose, a book, a breakfast. What about the women who couldn't have children, or had given up a child for adoption or what about a miscarriage?
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happyscooter
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Post by happyscooter on May 10, 2013 7:30:37 GMT -5
My last word on the subject. I have always told my family 'If the only reason you are buying me a card/flowers/gift is because Hallmark told you to, don't bother.' If my DH can't tell me that he loves me 364 days of the year but tells me on Valentines Day, do I believe him? If my kids are disrepectful to me 364 days of the year but buy me a Mothers Day card that says 'I love you', do I believe them? I don't think so.
Thankfully that has never been a problem here.
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Opti
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Post by Opti on May 10, 2013 7:31:56 GMT -5
I am dreading mother's day. My Mom always made a big production out of it when I was growing up. She still does on every holiday. She would cook a big dinner and have both sets of grandparents and my great aunt and uncle who never had children. All the women would get potted flowers, geraniums or begonias. Mom thinks that is how you are supposed to celebrate the holiday. My brother and SIL, and sister and BIL never ever ever host a holiday. My SIL will for her family but never anything for our family. That leaves me to carry on what my mother expects. If it were up to me I would take Mom to breakfast at the fire hall and then spend the rest of the day relaxing. My DD is on a school field trip and won't be home this weekend. Instead I will be fixing dinner for my sister and her family who eat everything that isn't nailed down. My brother and his family will show up but they haven't bothered to tell me that they will. My Dad probably won't even show up. I have had a completely, totally shitty week at work and am about a half a second from walking out and quitting / or getting fired (not sure which will happen first) and I have to cook a big dinner for a bunch of idiots. Mom is good at playing the martyr. I don't know why we have to have this big ass celebration. She lives a mile away I see her all the time. Sounds like your Mom was very sweet to others in the past. And I think you do know why you have this big ass celebration. It's because you aren't willing to deal with your Mom if you don't. Sorry to hear about work. I hope next year you remember it is up to you and cooking a big dinner for idiots is you choice. Perhaps you can come up with a new tradition like having DD and Mom go with you to buy flowers and then drop one off for your sister and perhaps your SIL. Skip the big dinner for idiots.
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swamp
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THEY’RE EATING THE DOGS!!!!!!!
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Post by swamp on May 10, 2013 7:43:15 GMT -5
I am dreading mother's day. My Mom always made a big production out of it when I was growing up. She still does on every holiday. She would cook a big dinner and have both sets of grandparents and my great aunt and uncle who never had children. All the women would get potted flowers, geraniums or begonias. Mom thinks that is how you are supposed to celebrate the holiday. My brother and SIL, and sister and BIL never ever ever host a holiday. My SIL will for her family but never anything for our family. That leaves me to carry on what my mother expects. If it were up to me I would take Mom to breakfast at the fire hall and then spend the rest of the day relaxing. My DD is on a school field trip and won't be home this weekend. Instead I will be fixing dinner for my sister and her family who eat everything that isn't nailed down. My brother and his family will show up but they haven't bothered to tell me that they will. My Dad probably won't even show up. I have had a completely, totally shitty week at work and am about a half a second from walking out and quitting / or getting fired (not sure which will happen first) and I have to cook a big dinner for a bunch of idiots. Mom is good at playing the martyr. I don't know why we have to have this big ass celebration. She lives a mile away I see her all the time. So don't play the martyr and tell them you aren't doing it.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on May 10, 2013 8:16:45 GMT -5
Ds- the story about your mothers day McDonalds breakfasts was really sweet. I'm glad you found a solution that works for you all. It sounds like her work and church activities keep her very busy, and with 3 kids finding a sitter is tough. I'm wondering if you can squeeze some time in with her during her last church service on Sunday and then going home for a quick visit? A couple years ago I suggested that my mom and sister and I pick one Saturday a month to do a project. Sewing or making bread or whatever someone had an interest in. It was a lot of fun, but I stopped spearheading it when I thought it might seem like more work to my mom. But she just brought it up how she misses those so we are going to start up again. Holidays are good, but my best times with my parents are when we just hang out together.
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bookkeeper
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Post by bookkeeper on May 10, 2013 8:22:48 GMT -5
My MIL was a great lady. She has been gone 6 years now. She hosted Christmas every year, but she fully expected the married children to spend every other Christmas with the in-law family. MIL had 11 children, and you just don't get everyone together for Hallmark holidays, much less Christian holidays.
My own children are planning on coming home (90 mile drive) for mothers day. I was surprised. Usually we don't put much emphasis on made up holidays. As my son put it "we don't need stinkin Hallmark to tell us that we love each other".
I just got back from visiting my mother (4 hr drive). I spent 2 days with her and brought a flat of annuals for her pots in the front of the house. I think it means much more to spend time with her than to have meals, gifts, etc. on the actual day.
As far as my Mothers Day celebration, the sun is supposed to come out on Sunday for the first time since last Monday. I suggested we pack a picnic and get outside. I don't like to visit restaurants on New Years Eve, Valentines Day or Mothers Day. Too much chaos for me. I am going to buy some nice sliced meats and cheeses and wine and enjoy the company of my children in the great outdoors.
Put the focus on the people you love and leave the holiday chaos behind.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 10, 2013 8:58:58 GMT -5
Ugh. Ever since I got divorced I have not been able to see my kids, the day of any holiday. For many years I have resented this. Now (the last few years) I kind of like it. I got my own day. That is, until this last Christmas. My DD is getting married, and now every time I think my kids and I are getting together (boyfriends included), I find out that DD MIL and SIL are coming too. Dang it! I put up with sharing, and coming 2nd all my kids lives. I don't want to do that any more! I feel like the only thing that changed, are the players. No doubt I sound/this is selfish. But once in awhile, I'd enjoy feeling like I came first. Like they actually made the choice to put me first, not because they had to. I tried to explain this at Christmas. It didn't go over well. I have always disliked mother's day, even as a kid.. I hate how everyone get these expectations. Then when they aren't met. everyone gets hurt feelings. And I hate pretending that I don't care, or that it's okay, when I really do care, and it's really not okay. -→ I don't think you're wrong. Good luck in your decision! -tmr Are those two women your future son-in-law's only family? Would they be spending a holiday alone if your daughter didn't include them? After my grandfather passed away, my dad's mom lived alone. She was always invited to our family's celebrations. And not just when they were at our house. My mom's side recognized that my dad's mom was part of the family, so it didn't matter who was hosting, she was never alone on Christmas. Because that's what you do
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 10, 2013 9:10:36 GMT -5
SS, you're not wrong. We are expected at my ILs for the obligatory extended family Mother's Day brunch. I'd be okay with going if it was just food and QT with the gang... but no, we all have to exchange gifts and GMIL does whatever she can to stretch the celebration out. Uh no, I have a pedicure scheduled for 3pm and I am damn sure not missing it. And I am dreading the call tomorrow afternoon when MIL inevitably asks if we can do a gift exchange before the extended family brunch --- NO, dammit!!! She really doesn't get the idea that they are now considered extended family to us. Her gifts will be given on Sunday at the family get-together. After that, I'm getting my toes done and doing whatever by myself until dinner, which I am not cooking or cleaning up after.
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Gardening Grandma
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Post by Gardening Grandma on May 10, 2013 9:12:21 GMT -5
Add me to the list of Mother's Day dreaders. My own mother lives in another state with advanced Alzheimers. I send flowers knowing she will have no clue where they came from. My sons are good guys, but they MAY call - or may not. If I wanted the work of cooking a big dinner, they'd come over, but somehow cooking a big dinner on Mothers Day doesn't do it for me. Last year, I was in Venice on Mothers Day. It was the best ever. This year, we are going to a friend's house. I may or may not get a call from my sons....
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on May 10, 2013 9:13:34 GMT -5
I'm lucky neither mom makes a huge deal out of Mother's Day. A card and acknowledgement is enough.
Christmas is my headache holiday. DH and I had it out shortly after we got engaged because he felt we should spend the ENTIRE day with his family because "that's just how we do it" and I was left with trying to figure out how to fit my parents in. I told him my family didn't evaporate the moment you put a ring on my finger. You want to stay all day fine, I'm happy to leave you here.
Strangely enough we got better at allocating time on holidays now that Gwen is here. I'm still exhausted by the end of it but we fit everyone in and manage to have our own Christmas.
What would help is if my grandparents gave up Christmas Eve and we could have everyone at my house rather than drive to Treynor. My mom has said nobody would blame us if we didn't go out there but Gwen sees her great grandparents so little as it is because I'm not driving 45 minutes one way on a regular basis.
Thanksgiving can be a pain because his family will insist they don't do Thanksgiving then two days before say they're having one and not bother to consider people might already have plans. Then DH and I would get in an argument because I refused to cut my Thanksgiving short because his family can't plan.
Last year they FINALLY started scheduling it in advance and doing it on Black Friday instead. So much less hassle.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on May 10, 2013 9:16:23 GMT -5
Black Friday is an awesome compromise!
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on May 10, 2013 9:21:06 GMT -5
Yes it is, I wish they hadn't taken eight years to come up with it.
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on May 10, 2013 9:29:09 GMT -5
Add me to the list of Mother's Day dreaders. My own mother lives in another state with advanced Alzheimers. I send flowers knowing she will have no clue where they came from. My sons are good guys, but they MAY call - or may not. If I wanted the work of cooking a big dinner, they'd come over, but somehow cooking a big dinner on Mothers Day doesn't do it for me. Last year, I was in Venice on Mothers Day. It was the best ever. This year, we are going to a friend's house. I may or may not get a call from my sons.... I too used to send flowers on Mother's Day to my mother but she was in a nursing home with other Alzheimer's sufferers. She too wouldn't know who they were for nor who sent them. So instead I simply sent the flowers to the nursing home and asked that the flowers be placed in the resident's dining room for all to enjoy.
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Phoenix84
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Post by Phoenix84 on May 10, 2013 9:42:59 GMT -5
I can understand your feelings. Holidays do kind of have a way of showing you where you are on your love'd ones priority lists.
I've been living away (as in several states away) from my parents since 2007. So I haven't physically celebrated mother's day (or really any holiday except Christmas) with them for the last six years. I'll usually just call my mom/dad on their respective "x-days." But since My mom's birthday and mother's day, and my dad's birthday and father's day are usually one month apart each, I usually don't get them a gift for their mother's day/father's day and just add that into the budget for their birthday. It's hard to send them anything other than gift cards anyway.
This year I'll be visiting two weeks after mother's day. So I'll probably take mom out to dinner or something and buy her a gift then. Though I do plan on calling mom on mother's day.
It sucks that I can't do it on Mother's day, but to use a phrase some hate, it is what it is. Not much anyone can do about it. I can't take time off work and fly back for every holiday or birthday.
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muttleynfelix
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Post by muttleynfelix on May 10, 2013 9:46:04 GMT -5
Not to hijack the thread, but when we attended church, there was always a gift for mothers. A rose, a book, a breakfast. What about the women who couldn't have children, or had given up a child for adoption or what about a miscarriage? My church does a gift for all the women in the church.
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Phoenix84
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Post by Phoenix84 on May 10, 2013 9:46:11 GMT -5
Can work the other way too. During the holidays my sister usually spends the majority of it with her in-laws.
I don't mind "being shuffled around" that much. I can live with celebrating christmas 2 days later. I understand that marriage means you have two sets of family to please.
What does bother me is the fact that I'm only there for maybe 10 days in December, and she'll be in Cleaveland with her in-laws for maybe 7-8 of those days.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on May 10, 2013 9:47:08 GMT -5
I'm going to remember to give my Mom and MIL hugs for not being too fussy about most of the holidays. MIL is fussy about Christmas to an extent but she's starting to go with my flow for it, somewhat.
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