Colleenz
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Post by Colleenz on Feb 15, 2011 10:10:10 GMT -5
Karma to Firebird for this!
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Feb 15, 2011 13:58:37 GMT -5
Karma to Firebird for this! ;D Tbird, you are also spot on. I know I'm always preaching about how important money is, but in the end it's NOT more important than relationships.
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Frugal Nurse
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Post by Frugal Nurse on Feb 17, 2011 13:21:52 GMT -5
Wow. I haven't read all 10 pages of this, because I haven't got time, but OP ... I am truly at a loss for words and think your DH is not the only one with mental issues to work through. A few counseling sessions might be beneficial for your whole family. Good luck with your DD. When you are retired and unable to care for yourself any longer, and your daughter puts you in the state-run retirement house of horrors, I hope your "dream home" is still worth it.
I have lots more that I would like to say, but will withhold because I just don't feel like being ugly.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Feb 17, 2011 15:39:03 GMT -5
Daphne, have you looked into getting a HELOC against your mortgage?
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NastyWoman
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Post by NastyWoman on Feb 17, 2011 21:46:55 GMT -5
I really don't agree with all the posters who say that Daphne "stole" from her own child. Her money, her decisions...Now Dahpne since you don't want to get a Heloc, need to save for retirement etc etc you can always tell DD that starting next January (when cs is paid off) that you will contribute -say- $500/ month to her education for x amount of time. That would leave you with $600/month added to your retirement , no need to take out loans etc. Under the circumstances you may want to qualify your offer with "provided I/SD don't lose our jobs, in which case all bets are off" or something of the kind Since you are able to pay the $1100 now, you can swing that
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hoops902
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Post by hoops902 on Feb 18, 2011 8:05:54 GMT -5
"I really don't agree with all the posters who say that Daphne "stole" from her own child. Her money, her decisions"
Yes, but "her decision" was to set that money aside specifically for her daughter, and to tell daughter that. I don't think she "stole" it, but I do think what she did was just as bad as stealing. If she didn't want that money earmarked for her daughter she could have just put it in savings for herself, invested it for her own retirement, etc. Once you set that money aside for her, and tell her that it's for her college, it's no better than stealing to take it away and use it to pay for your unnecessary expense of building your dream home. OP didn't NEED the money, she just wanted it.
I'm one of the YM posters who thinks nobody owes their kids to have their college paid for. But morally speaking you can't have them rely on your word that you have $x saved for college then use that money for yourself and not replace it a year before they leave for school. And frankly, this is why I have no intention of telling my kids whether I have money for them or how much until absolutely necessary.
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hoops902
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Post by hoops902 on Feb 18, 2011 8:25:31 GMT -5
She didn't steal her child's money. We will spend our money and income as we see fit for the benefit of the family. If putting it into a house or whatever or saving it into a fund. If I would choose to take it out for something else, life changes and so be it. It isnt "stealing", that is ridiculous. Legally speaking, I don't think she stole it. From a moral perspective though I think you could make a pretty simple case that she gifted that money to her daughter for her education and then took it back because she felt her own wants were more important. Ethically speaking, you don't tell someone you're giving them something, then decide not to because you found something else you'd rather do in the meantime. It's absolutely no different than stealing from an ethical perspective. In a way it almost seems worse because you didn't have to tell them you were giving them the money at all and in fact just handed it over when it was time. What's worse? Having your child believe you don't intend to pay for their college and having them work through it on their own? Or telling them you're paying for it and then pulling the rug out from under them? To me the issue isn't spending money how you want, it's telling your child you're going to do X, then not doing it because you're selfish and you decided to spend it on yourself instead.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Feb 18, 2011 10:54:10 GMT -5
You can't steal what you own. I have money in funds but if i need to use them in other ways, my money, my choice. Not stealing. And, i presume daphne wants to help her daughter and wants what is best. She admitted she made some mistakes in hindsight. We can go through life browbeating each other for our sins or we can forgive one another. Her daughter can forgive her, she can forgive herself, everyone can forgive each other and move on. Or, they can allow the seed of bitterness to take root and harbor resentsments for the rest of their lives. There are choices to make. You either forgive and move on or not. Right or wrong. Snerdley, you've made the same point five or six times-- what I don't understand is how you can say that Daphne isn't obligated to make amends to her daughter for something she admits was a mistake, just because we shouldn't go through life "browbeating" each other for our mistakes (which I agree with). I mean, what is it that you don't understand about that concept? There are lots of mistakes one cannot pay for no matter how much they want to-- it's a luxury, frankly, to have the opportunity to make up for something you've done wrong. A lot of times, when you screw up this badly there's nothing you can do except hope the person forgives you. That's not the case here. Daphne can do something tangible to authenticate her apology to her daughter. She can say, with actions, "Yes, at one point I put my own wants above you and our relationship-- and now that I realize how wrong that was, I will never do it again." I've said several times that Daphne's kid needs to actually hear those words-- but she also needs to see that they are true. Since Daphne is capable of saying she is sorry with actions, not doing so means that her apology is just empty words. It means she doesn't really mean what she's saying. And there is nothing worse than an apology that someone doesn't really mean.Regardless of your own feelings about whether it was right or wrong for her to reappropriate her daughter's college fund, DAPHNE feels it was wrong. If she REALLY thinks that, then she OWES it to her daughter to PROVE it by GIVING BACK THE MONEY.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Feb 18, 2011 10:57:57 GMT -5
You can't steal what you own.
On another note, does that mean that you consider all of your kids' possessions to be yours? If you decide that you want one of their toys because it's an antique and you can sell it on Ebay for a thousand bucks, are you entitled to take that toy away from them?
Or, perhaps more relevantly, do you feel entitled to swipe your kids' piggy bank if you need beer money, since it's just money that they saved from their allowance which is technically "your" money anyway?
I'm asking seriously, because I know that there are parents who actually think this way. So, legitimate question - at what point does your kids' money (which was once your money in some form or another) actually become theirs? Does something only belong to them if they earned it themselves?
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