alabamagal
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Post by alabamagal on Feb 11, 2011 9:58:48 GMT -5
Based on your situation. I would say no obligation. You are paying child support (seems like quite a bit to me actually). Since you are "out of the loop" as far as the college decision process, I would stay "out of the loop" as far as funding it.
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cael
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Post by cael on Feb 11, 2011 10:02:49 GMT -5
Well... I haven't been in any situation remotely similar to this, but I have to commend your use of "douchecanoe" and "jackwagon" - that made me happy!
It seems like he's being petty about the application fee thing, especially if he makes enough to comfortably support her (which it sounds like he does). If you refuse & it goes to court or anything do you have the option of getting a lawyer? It sounds like you pay enough. I dunno. I might be inclined to ignore the college application fees demand.
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Gardening Grandma
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Post by Gardening Grandma on Feb 11, 2011 10:07:24 GMT -5
I'm with the previous posters. I'd fill out the financial aid paperwork, ignore the bills for application fees, and wish her well.
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Post by Savoir Faire-Demogague in NJ on Feb 11, 2011 10:08:08 GMT -5
WTF? $1100 per month in child support, for one child, ona $50,000 per year salary? A question, is this amount being paid by you based on an agreement with your daughter's father or is it court ordered.
What, in your collective opinion, is my “obligation” to help her pay for college?? Flame away.
There is zero obligation for any parent to pay anything for their kids college. Incidentally, the individual doing the paying also has a say in where they go.
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Sharon
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Post by Sharon on Feb 11, 2011 10:15:48 GMT -5
I'm with the previous posters. I'd fill out the financial aid paperwork, ignore the bills for application fees, and wish her well. The OP is not required to fill out the financial aid paperwork. It is based on the parent the child lives with the most. As far as the rest what do the custody papers say. As an aside my sister went through something similar. Her ex convinced 2 of the kids to come live with him, promised them the moon. She went through several years of hell over this. Receiving papers from the ex about how the kids didn't love her anymore and that they call his new wife Mom because they love her better. Told the kids that they didn't have any money for college because Mom spent all their child support. He felt that all child support should have gone to a college fund. That type of thing. My Sister stuck by the kids, saw them when he would allow it, kept in contact etc. Fast forward several years. The kids couldn't wait to get away from Dad and Step Mom. They finally saw Dad for what he was and what he was doing to their Mom. My Sister never bad mouthed their Dad and just kept saying someday they will grow up and understand. These kids now have very limited contact with their Dad.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 11, 2011 10:19:08 GMT -5
When you say you used DD's "college fund," what do you mean by that? Is this $$$ that you saved in a separate account under yours and DH's name? Did you tell her all this time that you have been saving for her college?
I can't imagine doing what you did. You didn't take the money for medical expenses, etc. You took it to build your dream house.
Now you want to justify it because you are angry at your daughter for moving in with her dad. Well, actually, you are angry at your daughter because her dad is demanding child support. You seemed fine with it until then. Did he pay child support when she lived with you?
Meanwhile, what does your divorce decree say about who (if anyone) pays for college? Does it specify an age at which child support ends?
I hope you never made a big deal to your daughter that you were saving for her education.
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Gardening Grandma
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Post by Gardening Grandma on Feb 11, 2011 10:25:59 GMT -5
I'm with the previous posters. I'd fill out the financial aid paperwork, ignore the bills for application fees, and wish her well. The OP is not required to fill out the financial aid paperwork. It is based on the parent the child lives with the most. As far as the rest what do the custody papers say. Sharon is quite right. She's not required; but I would do so if asked. Private colleges often require do statements from both parents.
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Urban Chicago
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Post by Urban Chicago on Feb 11, 2011 10:35:08 GMT -5
Not entirely true. You should not be filling out the FAFSA, though it would certainly benefit your DD to lie and say she lived with you. However, the OP states that DD is applying for "nice" colleges. Probably at least some of those ask for the CSS/Profile, which does ask for a non-custodial parent statement.
You really should fill out the NCPS because most private schools won't give her any aid at all without it. However, actually paying whatever the financial aid office says you should is entirely up to you. In this case, I probably wouldn't be contributing beyond what you can afford. If your child support ends when your DD turns 18, you can consider continuing this as part of her college, but I wouldn't do more. Make sure your DD understands that the amount you can or cannot pay for her college has no relationship to the amount you love her.
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reader79
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Post by reader79 on Feb 11, 2011 10:46:47 GMT -5
You don't have an obligation to pay any of her college bills as long as you continue to send the child support. I would abide by whatever agreement the court laid out when your ex filed for full custody. If it ends at age 18, and there is no provision for school, then she and the douche can figure it out themselves. You don't owe her any money you may have previously allocated in a 'college fund.' She can pay the application fees herself.
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alabamagal
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Post by alabamagal on Feb 11, 2011 10:48:01 GMT -5
I would fill out any financial aid forms requested. Based on what you state your income is, the calculations will show that you can contribute very little to her education. And if they say you can contribute, you are under no obligation to contribute. I am not familiar with how they look at contributions for divorced parents.
As far as being criticized for using college fund for the house, well that may seem like a bad idea, but even if the intent was to use it for college, that is still your money and not your daughters. Also, if you have paid $25,000 in child support which you had not planned on, then it would seem like your ex should have some of that money saved for college (sounds like he doesn't though).
Good luck!
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reader79
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Post by reader79 on Feb 11, 2011 10:48:05 GMT -5
If the support ends at age 18, then pay until the arrears are settled, and wash your hands of the whole mess.
I wouldn't give the colleges your financial info, unless you want them contacting you for money.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 11, 2011 10:57:20 GMT -5
I'm just curious - do you have any savings at all now? Did you pour everything into the house?
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Poppet
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Post by Poppet on Feb 11, 2011 11:05:03 GMT -5
You're dh is correct. Your dear daughter blew her college funding. Foolish on her part.
"douchecanoe"
That's a great term. Filing it away for future use.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 11, 2011 11:05:09 GMT -5
Irregardless of what happened with the college fund I don't think you are in any position to aid your DS with college. With your DH's employment situation and health problems it sounds like you should be focusing on your retirement fund.
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stats45
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Post by stats45 on Feb 11, 2011 11:10:46 GMT -5
I think Southern makes some good points. Did she know that you were saving or how much you were saving? If so, I hope this isn't part of her decision to go to an expensive private college. It would be horrible if she made that decision thinking that you would have money saved, and then realize after she commits to the college that you are not contributing through the fund that doesn't exist anymore. I hope you tell her quickly if this is the case.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 11, 2011 11:12:13 GMT -5
When you say you lost $25,000 is that combining what you owe in child support with what her father was paying in child support?
I don't think $600 is a lot support for an upperclass teenage girl. I imagine he paid that much or more when she lived with you.
I don't like the way your husband thinks, by the way. Your daughter in no way spent her college fund; the two of you did. He's using the reasoning of a classic embezzler. That's not what it is--it was your money all along--but that's the rationale I'm hearing.
By the way, it isn't your ex's fault she can't go to the private college of her dreams any more than it is your fault. He owes her no more than you do. So don't blame him unless you are also blaming yourself.
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stats45
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Post by stats45 on Feb 11, 2011 11:16:11 GMT -5
Also, how exactly did she go along with the support change? Did he file paperwork to alter support he was paying and that process resulted in a new support order?
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stats45
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Post by stats45 on Feb 11, 2011 11:23:34 GMT -5
It seems like you wouldn't be able to put together that money even if you wanted to. Was this at all related to why she moved with her dad? I don't think you are handling this well. Parents shouldn't be expected to pay for their child's college, but nothing she has done deserves you and your husband changing the rules so late in the game. It was you (not her) who spent the money before any of this happening with moving and child support.
You have to tell her soon. It is a horrible decision to go to an expensive private college without over $10,000 a year that would have been expected to come from you.
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Post by hawkeyes2001 on Feb 11, 2011 11:25:32 GMT -5
I have never given karma before but I just did b/c I really enjoy the term "douchecanoe."
My two cents is pretty short. I wouldn't give your daughter money for college if you can't afford it and it sounds like you can't afford.
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Feb 11, 2011 11:24:41 GMT -5
Wow, just wow!!! You used her college fund on your house and you think she spend it bc she decided to live with her dad? OMG, I should probably just stop typing now bc there is about 100% chance I will get banned if I continue. Oh, what the heck. You sound so hateful and resentful towards your DD, it's not even funny. No, you are not required to pay for her college, but if I knew my mother was so pissed and angry about paying CS and and so upset that I haven't worked, OMG, in my WHOLE 17 yrs, I probably wouldn't want to live with her either. She is a child, you are a grown up, so act like it. If you can afford it, pay for her college, if you can't, don't, but calling your ex all kinds of names and having so negative emotions towards your child is just not very healthy. Lena
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shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on Feb 11, 2011 11:27:19 GMT -5
For the FAFSA, that is based on the parent the child lives with the most. Since her father has full custody, that's him. Since you do pay child support and I assume you still have "visitation" rights, private schools may also ask for your information. However, for the ones that do need based aid, they will almost always base family contribution on what the FAFSA says, not anything else. (I will note that in my experience, the FAFSA tends to have an unrealistic view of what families "should" be able to afford.)
Warning: I'm about to be the bitch You complain that she's never held a job. Well, she lived with you up until her senior year, and since most kids can get a job around their sophmore year, so that is as much on you as her father. You didn't think it was important she work to earn some of her own money when she was living with you (and you were spending her college fund) so why is it important now? It seems like you're feeling guilty about spending the college fund and are now trying to justify it by saying she never earned her keep. Your DD knew about the college fund, knew you used it, and knew you had a plan to repay it. Since you had been honest with her up to that point, what's kept you from being honest with her now? She's almost 18, and needs to understand that your plan for repay the college fund didn't include having to pay child support.
I would suggest behaving like an adult and a parent and put aside your issues with her father for an hour. Ask that the whole family have a discussion around her college choices. Yes, she should apply for her dream college, and with any luck, she will get merit or need based aid in order to cover it, but if she doesn't get aid, here is what you can afford, here is what her father can afford. And here are how federal student loans work. (Federal student loans are good and flexible debt, and should be used if needed. Private student loans should be avoided.) If you want your daughter to be able to make informed, intelligent decisions, she needs to have the full picture. And no kid learns anything about managing money if their parents don't discuss it with them.
As for the rest of your issues- get over them. Like her dad or not, when you asked him to start financially supporting her, you gave him custody rights (unless he was a danger to her). That's not about money, that's about being able to spend time with a child you're being asked to support. I've known way too many dads where the mom tried to take their money but keep the kids away. It never goes well for anyone. And he's obviously been able to build a relationship with his daughter, to the point that she chose to go live with him. Given your opinion of him, my guess is, despite what you said, that you're actually more upset about that then the money. And you really do need to get over it. You chose to have your daughter. You chose to file for child support. That means you chose to have a tie to this man for the rest of your lives.
Since you're going to have to ask your daughter to be an adult and understand the financial truth, you need to act like an adult yourself.
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stats45
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Post by stats45 on Feb 11, 2011 11:28:57 GMT -5
I don't think saying 'okay' signals that she was scheming against you about the support. Was he paying support before? If so, the order was going to be changed anyway. How would she have known exactly what he was doing if he is so passive-aggressive? She very well could have not known what would happen and then not known what to do after things changed. Unless she is a family attorney, these things are complicated and most people who know about them have some contact with the system. She has just moved and now there is a mini-crisis in her last year of high school. I don't like the blame being put on her for the reasons you have described.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 11, 2011 11:31:51 GMT -5
Have you tried sending your DS an e-mail laying it out for her? Apparently teenagers are more comfortable with electronic communication . . . She needs to know ASAP and it might go over better than you trying to chase her down for a conversation. Something along the lines of "We're sorry, we had a plan to pay back your college fund but it didn't work out. Our employment situation has also changed. We accept our share of the blame. How can we help you pick a college that is the best for you and is affordable?"
The one thing I might pay for in your situation is a session with one of those fancy college advisors that help you find a college that is the best match for your interests, not just the college names everyone is familiar with.
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stats45
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Post by stats45 on Feb 11, 2011 11:32:35 GMT -5
Did you tell her to get a job for the first time after you had spent the money in her college account? That might make me a bit angry as well.
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souldoubt
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Post by souldoubt on Feb 11, 2011 11:34:11 GMT -5
Sorry for your situation and anything I am tempted to say has already been said but probably a little bit nicer then I would have said it. I think your conclusion of:
"She and her dad will figure out college. That's what she's told me. She's knows the money is gone. He knows the money is gone. I'm sure he'll just send me a "bill" for my half when all is said and done...."
Is pretty much the end of it. Whether or not she knew of dad's intention to get full custody the situation just flat out isn't right in my book. Worry about yourself and if she needs to take on loans then that's the responsibility she gets to take on for not wanting to get a part time job while living with you. Life is all about choices.
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Urban Chicago
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Post by Urban Chicago on Feb 11, 2011 11:38:38 GMT -5
I might be able to agree with this IF AND ONLY IF you told her that was what was going to happen when you first got the child support order, and she could change it by moving back in with you.
NO. Most private colleges that do need-based aid will use the CSS/Profile, not the FAFSA. If they are asking for non-custodial info, you can bet it's a profile school. By the way, Profile is usually even meaner than the FAFSA.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Feb 11, 2011 11:39:12 GMT -5
It... sort of sounds... like you hate your kid? Sorry if I'm reading too much into your post. But if that's the case, I would say no obligation. I don't want ANYTHING from my parents that isn't freely given and I never have.
Besides, if she really has "never worked a day in her life," then figuring out how to pay for her own college will be good for her.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Feb 11, 2011 11:40:00 GMT -5
I'm amazed that a small home would cost almost 300k to buy/build. Must be top of the line everything. 1300 sq ft? With your husband's health issues and not much money coming in, I'm amazed that you did it. I guess your dream was worth it but I can't imagine spending every nickel of my own and all of someone else's on sticks and bricks.
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shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on Feb 11, 2011 11:41:45 GMT -5
Chicago: That may be a regional difference. My cousin is currently at an expensive private college that asked for her non-custodial father's financial picture. However, her aid package is eniterly based on the FAFSA, as were the aid packages she was offered from the other fancy private schools she applied to. However, all of her schools were west coast, so that's why I'm saying it might be a regional difference.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Feb 11, 2011 11:42:23 GMT -5
Well, then it's probably best she is living with the "rich" parent. It's very easy to buy people but there's usually a price to be paid. Eventually.
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