The friend that won't go home

[tloonya]

Mar 19, 2013 9:29:52 GMT -5 @wrongsideof30 said:

... Usually my kids can only take their friends in small doses.

Said who? You?

Why don't you TALK to your kids ABOUT this new friend and find out WHY is it that kid thgis way? Maybe it will become clearer to you. Do you ever talk to your kids? I am really afraid not much. So you must or you will have a rude awakening!

[Wisconsin Beth]

Is there anything going on in the kid's home life that he doesn't want to be there? 

[Deleted]

Yeah, she home schools them all day without talking to them...

Is the friend a neighbor?  Maybe general guidelines on how late friends stay, texting?  How is the friend's homelife?

[Rocky Mtn Saver]

Mar 19, 2013 9:38:35 GMT -5 tloonya said:

Mar 19, 2013 9:29:52 GMT -5 @wrongsideof30 said:

... Usually my kids can only take their friends in small doses.

Said who? You?

Why don't you TALK to your kids ABOUT this new friend and find out WHY is it that kid thgis way? Maybe it will become clearer to you. Do you ever talk to your kids? I am really afraid not much. So you must or you will have a rude awakening!

Wow, judgemental much? 

[Deleted]

Hard when he's a neighbor and you don't know the family dynamics. I don't know that I can be much help . I'd just keep an eye out, and maybe start with some general guidelines. You don't want his to impose on your own family dynamics...

[tloonya]

We live next house to a family with 3 kids.
There were times they all hanged out at our house.
And there were times my DD was lost in theirs and I though they had adapted her without me knowing...so, relax. Just send them weekly food bill

[midjd]

Mar 19, 2013 9:29:52 GMT -5 @wrongsideof30 said:

Do any of your children have friends that want to be at your house ALL THE TIME? My kids have a new friend that just won't leave. He's a nice kid and I don't mind too much, but I think I need to start setting some limitations. He comes over after school and stays until his bedtime. Even after he leaves our house, he'll call and text.  I'm feeling annoyed. This is a new situation for me. Usually my kids can only take their friends in small doses.

I'm pretty sure I WAS that friend.  Unfortunately, no advice here, but the observation that he may be escaping a hectic home life* probably isn't far off the mark.

*Unless you have extremely cool toys.

[Deleted]

Mar 19, 2013 9:55:16 GMT -5 @wrongsideof30 said:

Mar 19, 2013 9:46:58 GMT -5 oped said:

Yeah, she home schools them all day without talking to them...

Is the friend a neighbor?  Maybe general guidelines on how late friends stay, texting?  How is the friend's homelife?

Yes, he's a neighbor and lives VERY close. I've talked to his mom a few times and she seems ok. He has 3 younger siblings, so maybe he just wants to get away from them? He did mention the other day that all he had to eat for breakfast was a horseradish sandwich... I fed him a good lunch that day (and then dinner). Sometimes my oldest tells my mom I didn't feed him all day and then I remind him about the breakfast and lunch he had eaten.


Adding -this family just moved in a few weeks ago.

Kids do love their horseradish sandwiches.

[thyme4change]

If they just moved in, is he from far away and is desperate to make friends?  I could see a kid being in full scale panic about moving and needing to feel connected.  Or, did he just move from the next neighborhood over?

I wonder if anyone ever says this about my kids?  

[Deleted]

Does he eat all of the pop tarts?

[thyme4change]

Does your kid even like the guy?  We had a kid who was a little behind in his socialization skills.  He was a weird kid, and he used to come over and hang out with my son, and my son finally just asked me if he had to hang out with him, because he just didn't like him.  So, he and I had a talk about how to politely decline invitations.  I'm not going to make my kids be friends with everyone, but I won't let them be rude or mean.

[Phoenix84]

What's a horseradish sandwhich?  Is that just bread with horseraddish on it?

Well, I guess it's better than going hungrey, and I don't eat breakfast at all *shrugs*. 

[Abby Normal]

Both myself and a friend have gone through this with different kids.  A new boy moved in across the street and he was at our house all the time. I was not thrilled because I didn't think too highly of the parents and I know there have been some drug problems. ( His mom moved in with her sister, and these were our problem neighbors) He was a nice kid though. They ended up getting a place of their own, so the problem solved itself.

My friend's son has a friend that is over at their house constantly.  She'll send him home for dinner and he'll come back an hour later and won't have eaten, or had doritios  for dinner.  He'll bring the bag with him and say "mom said I could just eat this".  This kid is in a group with mine, and I'm always amazed by how many events he comes to without having eaten first. It's really sad.

To me, the kids could be lying and saying they aren't eating at home,  but it speaks volumes about the parent who LETS their kid go over to someone else's house all the time.

[grits]

I think it's wonderful that they call themselves "the crew".  Maybe, he is in desperate need of the companionship of boys around his own age.  If all he has are much younger siblings at home, he may be a super lonely kid.  Also, he may have t take care of the younger ones when he stays home. 

[GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl]

We used to.  Then they all did something stupid and I grounded DS for a month and they all sort of migrated to other stuff.  But, I think the migration also had to do with all of them moving on to high school and being busy with their own interests, too.

Set ground rules (some of the kids were initially shocked that I didn't want them at the door/on the phone before noon on Sunday, LOL).  But, because you might actually be a place of normalcy and refuge for this kid, set them with some kindness and some explanation:  we didn't want anyone coming over/calling before noon on Sunday because we got to church and because that is our exclusive family time.  We also had occasional family activities that friends were excluded from -- but we would tell them that we were going to a museum/the movies/a baseball game as a family this time.  It seemed to lessen the disappointment for the friends (they ARE still kids after all, clingy adult friends get a more direct message, LOL).  So, pick several nights per week when you are scheduling a family dinner, give the kid the advance warning, and then send him home at 5 or 6 -- for the night.  Also, maybe you need a no texting/phone call rule after a certain time -- say 7ish unless it is a genuine homework question.

Also, if I ran into the friends' parents, I would tell them how much we enjoy having X over, but that my kids LOVE to play at other kids houses sometimes so they should feel free to invite my kids over.  "Are you free tomorrow afternoon for the gang to play at your house?" Hint. Hint.  (Some parents are just clueless about this -- either intentionally or innocently...)

Also, find out the kid's interests (sport, music, art, legos, whatever) and tell him about the local team/music program/lego club, etc.  Then, tell his parents about it and how excited he seemed about it when you told him -- you know, make the connection for them.  If he gets involved in a few activities he enjoys, he'll likely make other friends and the burden on you will lessen.  

Most of DSs' friends were nice kids and not too much trouble.  A few were a little hyper and needed to be managed a little more.  Some days I was up to managing them, some days I wasn't.  I did wonder, though, about the ones who were ALWAYS coming over and often on their own (and not from nearby, either).  One was just one of those kids who always had to be doing something -- anything.  Another gave me some concern about his home life (based upon things he disclosed in casual conversation).  I gave them what I could in terms of time and welcome, but I reeled it in when even my kids got tired of always playing host.  Maybe yours will, too, in time...

[Plain Old Petunia]

Yes, my son has a friend who doesn't ever want to go home.  He's a foster kid and not happy in his current situation.   He will be out of the system in 2 months (graduates).  I'm not certain what his plans are.

He's a nice young man.  But when it gets to be too much, I just tell him it is time for him to go.

[kristinkle]

yes, it feels like my sons bff lives with us Wednesday to Sunday. I think it's because there is alot less screaming, yelling and general chaos at our house...and he gets real meals.  I (usually) don't mind but sometimes it can get a little irritating. 

[ontrack]

I was a bit like that growing up.  I always went to my best friend's house, and she only came to mine for my birthday or other big special occasion.  The reason was that my parents were major packrats, and I was embarrassed to bring anyone home unless we did a major clean ahead of time.  I didn't eat dinner there most of the time, just ocassionally.

[Chocolate Lover]

I had a friend in HS who was always at our house. She had 6 siblings though, so my parents understood.

[Shooby]

  Our house is the "hang out" for my sons and their friends.    I really do have to balance their desire to have their friends over versus DH need for some quiet time and DD and her need to not have a home surrounded by boys.  So, i do set limits.  And, sometimes, there are kids who are there all the time because their parents are either not home because they work all the time or they just don't really care where their kid is.  I have seen both.  Regardless, you just have to set limits.  Sometimes one of those boys will be here and i will just point blank say "Justin, it is time for you to go home now.  You can walk, call your mom to pick you up or i will ride you home".  The direct approach is the way to go i think.  And, set limits on how late someone can stay on a weeknight, how late a friend can call, etc.  If a friend calls too late during the week, get on the phone and say "please do not call our house after x time unless it is an emergency".  They will eventually get the message.

[bean29]

The worst friends my kids have had to stay late are only children.  I don't know why, few had uncaring parents and few if any were poor.  The worst kid ever had two parents who were teachers - elementary and middle school.  Their kid would be at my house all day, through dinner and until bedtime.

At our last house I was good friends with the neigbor and her oldest was BF with DD.  All her kids visited my house on a day I knew her family was going on a trip to visit realatives.  We fed the kids lunch even though I new they were going to a first communion or something like that...I figured they had to sit it the car for 1.5 hours and then sit through the ceremony.  One of the kids did not finish their sandwich and MIL put in in a bag and sent it with.  Neighbor lady told me later that their car broke down on the way there and she was so thankful we had fed her kids.

DH grew up poor, he says if we have guests at supper time we feed them.  I don't mind so much feeding the neighbor kids but I hate it when it gets past 8-9 pm and their parents are not looking for them or even calling to make sure it is not an imposition.  My DS is and adult and DD will be 16 next month so it is not really an issue anymore - now I want to give the girls that live down the street a ride home when it is dark and they think I am a nut case.

[kittensaver]

"I don't mind so much feeding the neighbor kids but I hate it when it gets past 8-9 pm and their parents are not looking for them or even calling to make sure it is not an imposition."

=========================

This begins to sound like child neglect on the part of the parents.

[Colleenz]

I think I a that kids Mom

DS loves to wii and DS, and I just have no clue.  He would live at the neighbors if I let him.  I intentionally ration how often he goes over there.  I don't want to wear out the welcome.

i do make him come home by dinner on school nights, and if he is over there for many hours on the weekend I insist on buying pizza for them.  I feel guilty about free babysitting.

if I was your neighbor what would you want me to do?  Serious question.

[Deleted]

We really keep a pretty open house but frankly I would have a problem with that. I'm pretty easy-going but I'm definitely stricter about school nights than weekends. I do not really want my kids socializing past dinner time during the week.

Do your kids do any extra-curricular activities? If so (and even if not), I'd probably decide that certain days were "off limits". I'd say something like, "Sorry, we really enjoy having you around (if it's true, but it seems that your kids really do) but Tuesdays and Thursdays aren't good for us." You can give a reason if you want.

On the other hand, I'd also try to get closer to the parents, if only to figure out what is going on. And, if our kids get along so well, maybe we would too?! I'd invite them in for a drink / tea / coffee one evening / weekend? That would also be a good time to discuss which activities your kids do / their child might want to do (as somebody else suggested).

I'd also be happy to include the child in a "special" outing from time to time. But not EVERY time, and although I'd be kind and probably keep the child more than I'd like, if he was really at my place nearly 24/7, that wouldn't work for me, and I'd end up finding a reason to reduce it.

I also believe that things don't have to be totally equal, but I wouldn't want to host a child all the time if my child never went there, and I wouldn't want my child going somewhere all the time if I never hosted the other child (hope that makes sense LOL).

My DS3 and his best friend (a girl) used to be totally inseparable. They are still best friends, but they are older now, and they see each other less often because they are no longer at the same MS. Sometimes during school holidays he goes there for 3 days and only comes home to change clothes. Sometimes she is here for 3 days. One-sided things are fine for a while, but not long-term, IMO, unless there is a reason. They have taken DS3 away on vacation, and we have taken their DD away.

If the child has a difficult home life and you can be there for him, that's fantastic. But, I'm guessing it's probably not sustainable 7 days a week. At some point you'll have to set limits. If you've posted this, it's because it's already bugging you, even if only a little.

[Tennesseer]

Mar 26, 2013 19:45:49 GMT -5 @wrongsideof30 said:

This kid is driving me crazy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   Aside from having the longest weekend EVER with him, 10 minutes ago he just told my kids there is no such thing as Santa. He said it right in front of me and dh. He said to me "tell your kids how there is no such thing as Santa, that it's just parents tricking their kids. my parents told me about that a LONG time ago".  



         


My oldest is exactly the same age I was when I learned the truth about Santa, but I'm very sad. I also just denied the whole thing to my kids and will go to the grave insisting that Santa is real.


P.S. when you take this kid to a restaurant and he has to use the restroom, he says "I got to go pee pee" louder and LOUDER until you stop your current conversation and take him immediately.

Why are you taking this kid to restaurants?

[Tennesseer]

I don't remember it being said. How old is this kid and is this kid the same age as your son?

[Tennesseer]

Mar 26, 2013 20:08:18 GMT -5 @wrongsideof30 said:

He's the same age as my oldest son. He's gone out to eat with us twice because he comes over after school starving and he begs me not to make him go home. We already had plans to go out, so I felt like I needed to bring him. I don't think he's EVER been to a restaurant before.  I'm having a hard time sending him home when he so desperately doesn't want to be there.

Although I am kidding, draw up some papers to have his parents relinquish their parental rights along with adoption papers. You might as well get a tax credit for the kid.

It has been so long ago, I don't remember when I stopped believing in Santa Claus. It had to be before first grade. How I found out I don't recall.

[zibazinski]

I think I'd make a trip to the parents home and find out what the hell is going on there. You can use the excuse that since their son is over so much you feel they should meet you.

[Deleted]

The sooner you set some firm boundaries the better... Or get on moving!

[ginpin]

My son just left for Basic, but he has a friend that is ALWAYS around.  Good kid, maybe a little socially awkward, but Would. Never. Leave.  And since he is 19, he would always drive over.  I finally had to impose a curfew of my son in/friends out by 11:00 on weeknights, and in/out by 1:00 on weekends. 
Another thing, what do you do when you are on a budget, and just have enough food for your family for dinner (meaning three-four pork chops or whatever)?  That is always a fun discussion when you have one or two extra people over.