Wisconsin Beth
Distinguished Associate
No, we don't walk away. But when we're holding on to something precious, we run.
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 11:59:36 GMT -5
Posts: 30,626
|
Post by Wisconsin Beth on Apr 9, 2013 13:15:21 GMT -5
Yeah, even my 3.5 and almost 5 year old will go into the fridge and get yogurt/cheese sticks whatever. Or try to get into the snack cupboard to check for cheese crackers or whatever.
And skipping school is being truant. What is your locale's policy on truancy? Here, I'm pretty sure there's a couple of numbers you can call and the kid will be picked up. We used to have a Truancy Abatement something (TABS for short) that when I worked for the Library we'd call every so often.
|
|
Shooby
Senior Associate
Joined: Jan 17, 2013 0:32:36 GMT -5
Posts: 14,782
Mini-Profile Name Color: 1cf04f
|
Post by Shooby on Apr 9, 2013 13:16:58 GMT -5
So, the kid has crappy parents, now what? How is that going to affect you? Are you going to call CPS or what? IF not, it is what it is. As for skipping school, there are times i let my kids skip school. So, tar and feather me!
|
|
thyme4change
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 26, 2010 13:54:08 GMT -5
Posts: 40,749
|
Post by thyme4change on Apr 9, 2013 13:18:18 GMT -5
[/span]
Uh-oh - is he is bastard child from some previous relationship and now that the new marriage has 3 "real" kids this guy is just a burden?
|
|
Wisconsin Beth
Distinguished Associate
No, we don't walk away. But when we're holding on to something precious, we run.
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 11:59:36 GMT -5
Posts: 30,626
|
Post by Wisconsin Beth on Apr 9, 2013 13:19:47 GMT -5
Don't feel too bad about the siblings. The range of abilities between a 9 year old and a 4 year old is too big. The girl, well, you have boys. Be sexist and assume she doesn't want to play with them.
|
|
lexxy703
Senior Associate
Joined: Aug 26, 2011 13:52:17 GMT -5
Posts: 13,771
|
Post by lexxy703 on Apr 9, 2013 13:20:29 GMT -5
Oh wow, I assumed he was an only child. That is so sad. The kid can't be too bad of a kid if he is looking out for his little brother. But I understand why you had to say no. Tell your boys ahead of time no inviting friends to grandma's pool. There is no lifeguard & you can't watch out for other kids drowning.
|
|
Wisconsin Beth
Distinguished Associate
No, we don't walk away. But when we're holding on to something precious, we run.
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 11:59:36 GMT -5
Posts: 30,626
|
Post by Wisconsin Beth on Apr 9, 2013 13:20:51 GMT -5
As for skipping school, there are times i let my kids skip school. So, tar and feather me! You knew they were skipping, you kept them home and didn't let them run the neighborhood, as I recall from a different thread a while back.
|
|
Shooby
Senior Associate
Joined: Jan 17, 2013 0:32:36 GMT -5
Posts: 14,782
Mini-Profile Name Color: 1cf04f
|
Post by Shooby on Apr 9, 2013 13:21:51 GMT -5
True. They didn't run the neighborhood. I just let them have a "mental health day".
|
|
973beachbum
Senior Associate
Politics Admin
Joined: Dec 17, 2010 16:12:13 GMT -5
Posts: 10,501
|
Post by 973beachbum on Apr 9, 2013 13:22:54 GMT -5
Ever thought about catching him when your kids aren't around and saying "So, what's going on at your house?" See if he starts the emotional blurting of his problems. Maybe he needs a friendly ear. Or even when he comes over this afternoon, call him into the kitchen, put a plate of snacks in front of him and say "I want to talk about yesterday. You can't skip school to play with my kids. Actually, you shouldn't be skipping school at all. What is going on with you and school?" See if he talks. I suspect one of two things will happen - either he will open up to you and tell you some nonsensical things about the troubles in his life, and you can start piecing it together and figure out if he needs help. Or, if you keep picking, he will back away from your house because you are being too nosy. I think you need to start with what Thyme said. Then depending on the answer decide what you are going to do and what you are willing to do. If this boy's family is just disinterested you could very well end up with all of them as summer long house guests. If that is not what you are willing to do, and I sure wouldn't , then you really need to set the boundries now and stick to them! If it is more neglect they that should be handled by CPS IMO. Even if you are willing to feed them every day when you are home, what happens if you go on vacation or something? I don't think it is reasonable for you to be responsibile for their basic needs.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Sept 28, 2024 19:02:32 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Apr 9, 2013 13:22:56 GMT -5
My mom has a really nice pool at her house and I know once they find out they'll be asking all the time.
Wow, this is getting complicated. For one thing, I'd tell the kid that your kids' grandma's house is off-limits. End of story.
How long was he not allowed back over after he turned off the PS (or whatever) when your DH was playing?
At this point I'd definitely be wanting to talk to the mom. And I wouldn't be allowing the kid over every afternoon, even between 4 and 7. It would drive me crazy to have an extra kid here every. single. day. (unless there was a reason).
I get very anxious about situations like this. I realize that does not helping you but when this happens, my guy reaction is to cut things WAY WAY back.
I wouldn't be surprised if he shows up one day at your mom's house with ALL his siblings ... this kid has no boundaries.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Sept 28, 2024 19:02:32 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Apr 9, 2013 13:23:50 GMT -5
As for skipping school, there are times i let my kids skip school.
Me too, Shooby. But I don't let them invite themselves over to the neighbors' house. ;-)
|
|
thyme4change
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 26, 2010 13:54:08 GMT -5
Posts: 40,749
|
Post by thyme4change on Apr 9, 2013 13:26:16 GMT -5
I know we are making some broad assumptions about the apathy about the mother - but is he responsible for the care of his siblings, especially the toddler? Or, are the rest of the kids in a supervised situation (daycare/school) and he is home alone in the afternoons? I would think that he isn't responsible for the care of those kids if he is leaving every day for hours on end.[/span]
|
|
Shooby
Senior Associate
Joined: Jan 17, 2013 0:32:36 GMT -5
Posts: 14,782
Mini-Profile Name Color: 1cf04f
|
Post by Shooby on Apr 9, 2013 13:27:06 GMT -5
I have a trampoline in my yards. And, NO KIDS are allowed on the trampoline unless i am home and can watch out the window to make sure they don't turn STOOPID. And, they know their friends cannot use it unless they check with me and only so many at a time allowed on it. There is liablity to think about.
|
|
973beachbum
Senior Associate
Politics Admin
Joined: Dec 17, 2010 16:12:13 GMT -5
Posts: 10,501
|
Post by 973beachbum on Apr 9, 2013 13:29:54 GMT -5
Wrongside do you have a way of contacting them when he is at your house? I ask because if you don't have a way of contacting them what happens in an emergency? It is one thing for my kids to play with the neighbors when I am home. Then if something happens they can just run over. But if there is an emergency and they are not home and you don't have their cell what would youu do?
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Sept 28, 2024 19:02:32 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Apr 9, 2013 13:32:08 GMT -5
but is he responsible for the care of his siblings, especially the toddler?
That's not what I'm assuming Thyme. I'm assuming he just wants them to have a good time too, the more the merrier lol.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Sept 28, 2024 19:02:32 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Apr 9, 2013 13:34:17 GMT -5
And at this point, with the kid over every day, and the mom not even attempting to contact Wrong, I think something is WAY off with this situation.
ETA: I think Thyme's idea is excellent. The kids have probably talked amongst themselves too, your kids may have some info.
I'd still want to talk to the mom though, and inform her of our family's "limits" (whatever you decide they are).
Also, you could use the fact that summer is coming up to broach the subject with the mom. That your family won't be as available because the kids won't be around (for example), or only on such and such a day, etc. It could be an "excuse" to go talk to the mom (if you feel you need one).
Personally, I would just tell her "I wanted to meet Jordan's mom".
|
|
Wisconsin Beth
Distinguished Associate
No, we don't walk away. But when we're holding on to something precious, we run.
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 11:59:36 GMT -5
Posts: 30,626
|
Post by Wisconsin Beth on Apr 9, 2013 13:44:03 GMT -5
And at this point, with the kid over every day, and the mom not even attempting to contact Wrong, I think something is WAY off with this situation. I think we've all pretty much felt that from wrong's first post. Something is off here. How badly, we can't say because we're not there. Finding out what's off and how badly is not a job for the faint of heart. It's up to Wrong to decide what she's willing and able to do.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Sept 28, 2024 19:02:32 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Apr 9, 2013 13:47:22 GMT -5
Agreed, Beth.
But at this point, with the kid over what sounds like every day, it seems like on some level, Wrong sort of has no choice.
Also, Wrong, you are (justifiably) upset at this situation. Maybe trying to see what is really going on would be easier on you than imagining / wondering / trying to guess? This situation seems to be getting more intense (like with his skipping school and showing up at your mom's house) yet you have no more clarity or insight than you did weeks ago.
Personally I think Thyme may have hit on something with the older sibling / different dad comment.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Sept 28, 2024 19:02:32 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Apr 9, 2013 13:47:36 GMT -5
Sorry you are dealing with this. I think you have legitimate concerns about increasing contact in ny way, ie the siblings. I guess I'd tart with mom too, but even though I think our child service programs aren't perfect, I'd be tempted to place a cll if things continue, especially if he's not bing fed, or if it pounds like She's letting him skip and then wild.
I'm betting they have a file already somewhere....
|
|
thyme4change
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 26, 2010 13:54:08 GMT -5
Posts: 40,749
|
Post by thyme4change on Apr 9, 2013 13:50:21 GMT -5
You can ask your kids - but likely they won't know much. I'm not sure 9 year olds sit around and chat about their home lives. I doubt he really knows that something is "wrong" - more just "different" and I don't think they really verbalize that. At least I don't see that in my kids and their friends. They just play.
Although, one time a group of kids were over and they were putting on plays for each other and one gal put on a play called "Mom and Dad are fighting" and then another kid jumped in. My kids just sat there and watched. I know one mother very well, and the other one, okay. I immediately called the one Mom and talked to her - there is some shit going down in that house. The other Mom, I knew the Dad had been out of work and got a job offer 1200 miles away and they have been trying to work out the details of that. So, I let it go. That doesn't really apply here - just a funny story about how you find out things about your kid's friend's parent's lives.[/span]
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Sept 28, 2024 19:02:32 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Apr 9, 2013 14:00:01 GMT -5
Thyme to me you gave a perfect example of what I mean lol. I agree, kids that age don't necessarily sit around chatting much. But, they talk. The kid may have mentioned that his stepdad is nice / mean, that he has a real dad who lives in X city / is in prison, that he sees him / doesn't see him, etc. I just think with all the time the kids spend together, Jordan may have told Wrong's kids a fact or two or three. IF he did (and true, maybe he didn't) that COULD help Wrong make sense of the situation. If not, nothing ventured, nothing lost.
|
|
Wisconsin Beth
Distinguished Associate
No, we don't walk away. But when we're holding on to something precious, we run.
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 11:59:36 GMT -5
Posts: 30,626
|
Post by Wisconsin Beth on Apr 9, 2013 14:02:03 GMT -5
Agreed, Beth. But at this point, with the kid over what sounds like every day, it seems like on some level, Wrong sort of has no choice. Also, Wrong, you are (justifiably) upset at this situation. Maybe trying to see what is really going on would be easier on you than imagining / wondering / trying to guess? This situation seems to be getting more intense (like with his skipping school and showing up at your mom's house) yet you have no more clarity or insight than you did weeks ago. Personally I think Thyme may have hit on something with the older sibling / different dad comment. True. But this situation can range from overwhelmed parent (4 kids under the age of 9) to indifferent to flat out abuse (physical, verbal, emotional, etc.) And once Wrong starts poking further into it, she might not be able to stop. I, personally, would be unable to live with myself if something is BADLY wrong and I did nothing after figuring that out. If I ignore something, I can tell myself that I imagined it or rationalize it away, sort of. If that makes sense.
|
|
Wisconsin Beth
Distinguished Associate
No, we don't walk away. But when we're holding on to something precious, we run.
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 11:59:36 GMT -5
Posts: 30,626
|
Post by Wisconsin Beth on Apr 9, 2013 14:03:52 GMT -5
My older sister liked driving her kids and their friends places. They'd forget about her driving and talk. She learned a lot about what was going on just by listening.
|
|
milee
Senior Associate
Joined: Jan 17, 2012 13:20:00 GMT -5
Posts: 12,344
|
Post by milee on Apr 9, 2013 14:11:19 GMT -5
One other point is that different people feel differently about having friends over.
I'm more like wrongside, prefer just my family and like to have friends over sometimes, with limits. But I have several friends who truly love company or who think it's easier to have lots of kids over because they all play together and get into less trouble. They would not only welcome anybody anytime, but they'd consider it doing you a favor that they're sending Jordan over to be part of your kids' entertainment/distraction. Seriously.
Without talking to Jordan's mom, you don't really know what's going on and if there's anything to be alarmed at or not. Definitely need some boundaries, but also need a little more info before drawing certain conclusions.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Sept 28, 2024 19:02:32 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Apr 9, 2013 14:12:11 GMT -5
Again, Beth, agreed. Wrong can always opt to NOT look into it, and just wonder, and try to figure out how to deal with just the kid and how much he is / isn't welcome, and whether he will again show up at her mom's or not, and whether or not he will have 1 or 2 or 3 siblings in tow.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that this situation is causing so much discomfort, maybe it's time to try to find out what's going on, for Wrong and her family's mental health, as much as for the kid.
I agree with Shooby, you can take some things / some people on, but you can't save the entire world ... especially when you don't even know what you're dealing with.
Other idea, Wrong ... is this family very new in the area? I don't remember but I'm thinking not. Have you thought about asking people if they know what this family's story is? Friends / neighbors / at church? Is this new? A pattern?
I'm a journalist by training. My first reaction is ALWAYS to "gather info", and THEN I decide what to do. So, that is where my advice is coming from. Obviously, it's colored through my own Debthaven-colored glasses LOL.
|
|
thyme4change
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 26, 2010 13:54:08 GMT -5
Posts: 40,749
|
Post by thyme4change on Apr 9, 2013 14:12:33 GMT -5
Good luck. Just tell your kids and Jordan that you need to talk to him for a minute in the kitchen, and your boys should go and do XYZ. Have food there for him, so he has something to do with his hands. If you bribe him with cookies or something, he won't be quite as anxious to get out of there.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Sept 28, 2024 19:02:32 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Apr 9, 2013 14:13:29 GMT -5
She didn't seem interested in talking to me the one time I introduced myself
Wrong, I didn't realize that had happened. That is VERY telling, IMO. (I may have just forgotten). But to me, it's a piece of the puzzle.
My older sister liked driving her kids and their friends places. They'd forget about her driving and talk. She learned a lot about what was going on just by listening.
Beth, Busymom says the same thing LOL!
|
|
thyme4change
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 26, 2010 13:54:08 GMT -5
Posts: 40,749
|
Post by thyme4change on Apr 9, 2013 14:15:50 GMT -5
Or, you caught her at a bad time. I mean ONE time you tried to talk to her and she didn't immediately drop everything and invite you in for scrumputtes? She may very well be totally disinterested - but some people are socially awkward, so maybe you need to give them more than 1 chance - especially if her son is going to be at your house 25 hours per week.[/span]
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Sept 28, 2024 19:02:32 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Apr 9, 2013 14:24:22 GMT -5
Sorry, Thyme, we have to agree to disagree. Even if it's a VERY bad time, you can still look like or say you're very happy to meet the mom where your kid hangs out 3h per day, and tell me it's a VERY bad time, so you hope we can chat another time.
ETA: To me there is a difference between not inviting me in / over (who cares about that) and "not being interested in talking to me". Since she seems to have given no sign of life to Wrong since, I'm guessing that Wrong was right in her assessment of the situation (no pun intended).
ETA2: Just to clarify, that doesn't mean I wouldn't try again. Because it would be MY need to talk to HER.
|
|
zibazinski
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 24, 2010 16:12:50 GMT -5
Posts: 47,909
|
Post by zibazinski on Apr 9, 2013 17:05:44 GMT -5
You're free daycare. If she has that many kids, getting rid of one must feel like a blessing.
|
|
zibazinski
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 24, 2010 16:12:50 GMT -5
Posts: 47,909
|
Post by zibazinski on Apr 9, 2013 17:12:05 GMT -5
It's easier than dealing with him. She sent him to your place or your moms.
|
|