Culture Clashes In Relationships

[Firebird]

Didn't want to hijack cawiau's thread but this is an interesting topic. Have you ever dated someone from another culture and if so, what was the biggest culture clash you experienced? Did it have to do with money?

One of my past exes was a different ethnicity and by far the part that blew me away the most about his family and culture (as it was described and demonstrated to me) was the way kids live at home pretty much until marriage. My ex was in his mid twenties when we dated- probably early thirties by now, and as far as I know he's still living at home with his parents and brother (despite having more than sufficient financial means to live on his own). I definitely found that a little bizarre.

[lynnerself]

I have not personally.
But my niece dated an Indian man, very nice guy, showered her with presents. She even met his family.
She later found out he was married, had a wife back in India.

[quotequeen]

Not culture so much as a different upbringing. If my ex and I had stayed together I think we would have wound up with huge fights about how much to help family and that sort of thing.

[Savoir Faire-Demogague in NJ]

I dated a Russian woman last year.

She did not understand a lot of idiomatic expressions or usages of words.

She was also very rigid, unbending, would not compromise on anything and very controlling. Those are not really cultural things.

[Firebird]

She was also very rigid, unbending, would not compromise on anything and very controlling. Those are not really cultural things.

Agreed, those traits can appear in any man or woman in any culture.

[Savoir Faire-Demogague in NJ]

May 10, 2012 11:29:00 GMT -5 Firebird said:

She was also very rigid, unbending, would not compromise on anything and very controlling. Those are not really cultural things.

Agreed, those traits can appear in any man or woman in any culture.

Funny how we split up. Last year on Father's Day, we are sitting watching a documentary on Paul Taylor, he is a ballet choreographer in NYC. After it was over we are laying there on the couch, and she asks me what I was thinking. So I told her. My answer did not suit her, so she starts screaming at me and asks me to leave. So I left.

In recent months I have been at the dance studio in northern NJ to take private choreography lessons with an independent instructor, and this studio is where she started taking lessons again.

She walked by me numerous times, avoided eye contact and would not even say hello.

[swamp]

May 10, 2012 11:34:28 GMT -5 Savoir Faire-Demogague in NJ said:

May 10, 2012 11:29:00 GMT -5 Firebird said:

She was also very rigid, unbending, would not compromise on anything and very controlling. Those are not really cultural things.

Agreed, those traits can appear in any man or woman in any culture.

Funny how we split up. Last year on Father's Day, we are sitting watching a documentary on Paul Taylor, he is a ballet choreographer in NYC. After it was over we are laying there on the couch, and she asks me what I was thinking. So I told her. My answer did not suit her, so she starts screaming at me and asks me to leave. So I left.

In recent months I have been at the dance studio in northern NJ to take private choreography lessons with an independent instructor, and this studio is where she started taking lessons again.

She walked by me numerous times, avoided eye contact and would not even say hello.

You have a very special talent for picking the crazies.

[Savoir Faire-Demogague in NJ]

You have a very special talent for picking the crazies.

Generationally, all boomer women are crazies with one emotional problem or another; one hangup or something else, etc.

I could fill up the servers of ProBoards with all the nonsense and juvenile stuff I've seen. Amazing that highly educated and seemingly intelligent and level-headed women carry on like they do.

[skubikky]

May 10, 2012 11:41:11 GMT -5 Savoir Faire-Demogague in NJ said:

You have a very special talent for picking the crazies.

Generationally, all boomer women are crazies with one emotional problem or another; one hangup or something else, etc.

I could fill up the servers of ProBoards with all the nonsense and juvenile stuff I've seen. Amazing that highly educated and seemingly intelligent and level-headed women carry on like they do.

What about your new hottie. Isn't she a boomer woman?

[Deleted]

For my wife and I, it is not a matter of cultural clashes but more a matter of social/economic clashes.

My wife sees nothing wrong with running to her mom for money at 27, I do.

She expected to maintain the same lifestyle she had while leaving with her mom, in our case and her income it is not possible.

We are from the same culture but the fact that we are from two different social-economical background we might as well have been from two different cultures.

[muttleynfelix]

Well, not exactly from a different culture since we are both white, rural midwest raised; but DH and I are 17 years apart in age and there are some generation/culture issues that we've come across. The biggest one is drug use. Growing up as part of the "just say no" generation and DH's adolescents is pretty much straight out of "That 70's Show"; we have some different thoughts on recreational drug use. That said, I've softened my ides and he has only used pot since we got married and not since we've had a child.

[Savoir Faire-Demogague in NJ]

May 10, 2012 11:43:27 GMT -5 skubikky said:

May 10, 2012 11:41:11 GMT -5 Savoir Faire-Demogague in NJ said:

You have a very special talent for picking the crazies.

Generationally, all boomer women are crazies with one emotional problem or another; one hangup or something else, etc.

I could fill up the servers of ProBoards with all the nonsense and juvenile stuff I've seen. Amazing that highly educated and seemingly intelligent and level-headed women carry on like they do.

What about your new hottie. Isn't she a boomer woman?

Yep, she is 56. Had a major meltdown this weekend. Big argument on the phone.

Her gripe was that I was going to be at the shore every weekend, and not with her, and in her words, I quote: "I am going to be alone again this summer". She hung up the phone on me before I could speak.

She and I communicate fairly well, even on sensitive topics. Anyway, I was going to speak with her about the summer arrangements. I had planned to limit weekend time at the shore, so I could be with her, and go there during the week taking days off, and also go down on a split weekend.

Anyway, eventually she calmed down, phoned me back and we sat and talked about stuff.

With boomer women, a common thread is fear of being alone.

[Savoir Faire-Demogague in NJ]

May 10, 2012 11:45:12 GMT -5 TheHaitian said:

For my wife and I, it is not a matter of cultural clashes but more a matter of social/economic clashes.

My wife sees nothing wrong with running to her mom for money at 27, I do.

She expected to maintain the same lifestyle she had while leaving with her mom, in our case and her income it is not possible.

We are from the same culture but the fact that we are from two different social-economical background we might as well have been from two different cultures.

I've seen this one a few times.

[midjd]

I think when you have a "type", and date within that type, it's a little unfair to generalize all members of that gender based on the behavior you've seen. Even if you don't think you have a type, most people do attract certain distinct personalities. E.g. Doxie with her "I didn't pick my husbands, they picked me."

My uncle dates a lot of unbalanced women. As a result, he thinks all women are crazy. What he doesn't see is that the women who want to date HIM are usually alcoholics... and there are a lot more unbalanced alcoholic women than unbalanced women in general.

My dad dates a lot of young, naive girls with daddy issues. He seeks them out because they're usually the only ones who put up with his crap. When these relationships end, the girls say "so typical, all guys are douchebags." No, when it's obvious you have low self-esteem and will put up with a ton of crap in exchange for having a guy - ANY guy - you will end up with mostly douchebags. Not rocket science.

So I take issue with SF's generalizations of women. I disagree with generalizations to begin with, and when you're only looking at a certain data set, of course you're going to see similar characteristics...

[Savoir Faire-Demogague in NJ]

May 10, 2012 12:03:22 GMT -5 midjd said:

I think when you have a "type", and date within that type, it's a little unfair to generalize all members of that gender based on the behavior you've seen. Even if you don't think you have a type, most people do attract certain distinct personalities. E.g. Doxie with her "I didn't pick my husbands, they picked me."

My uncle dates a lot of unbalanced women. As a result, he thinks all women are crazy. What he doesn't see is that the women who want to date HIM are usually alcoholics... and there are a lot more unbalanced alcoholic women than unbalanced women in general.

My dad dates a lot of young, naive girls with daddy issues. He seeks them out because they're usually the only ones who put up with his crap. When these relationships end, the girls say "so typical, all guys are douchebags." No, when it's obvious you have low self-esteem and will put up with a ton of crap in exchange for having a guy - ANY guy - you will end up with mostly douchebags. Not rocket science.

So I take issue with SF's generalizations of women. I disagree with generalizations to begin with, and when you're only looking at a certain data set, of course you're going to see similar characteristics...

I've dated women from all walks of life. There are many common threads. I've listed some of them.

[Deleted]

May 10, 2012 12:12:49 GMT -5 Savoir Faire-Demogague in NJ said:

May 10, 2012 12:03:22 GMT -5 midjd said:

I think when you have a "type", and date within that type, it's a little unfair to generalize all members of that gender based on the behavior you've seen. Even if you don't think you have a type, most people do attract certain distinct personalities. E.g. Doxie with her "I didn't pick my husbands, they picked me."

My uncle dates a lot of unbalanced women. As a result, he thinks all women are crazy. What he doesn't see is that the women who want to date HIM are usually alcoholics... and there are a lot more unbalanced alcoholic women than unbalanced women in general.

My dad dates a lot of young, naive girls with daddy issues. He seeks them out because they're usually the only ones who put up with his crap. When these relationships end, the girls say "so typical, all guys are douchebags." No, when it's obvious you have low self-esteem and will put up with a ton of crap in exchange for having a guy - ANY guy - you will end up with mostly douchebags. Not rocket science.

So I take issue with SF's generalizations of women. I disagree with generalizations to begin with, and when you're only looking at a certain data set, of course you're going to see similar characteristics...

I've dated women from all walks of life. There are many common threads. I've listed some of them.

like.... they're all crazy?

[shanendoah]

DH grew up poor. I grew up solidly middle class. In some cases, we have very different views on things that we have to work out. Unsurprisingly, a lot of those have to do with money. As far as he's concerned, about the best retirement plan you can have is a paid for house, because he grew up seeing only two options- old people who owned their homes and had a place to live or old people who lived on the street.

That said, the one person I dated whose views seemed to be the furthest from mine was culturally and economically "the same" as me. However, he was an "oops" baby- born when his parents thought they couldn't get pregnant anymore- one of those people who is, in fact, younger than some of his nieces and nephews. (His oldest brother was older than my father.) So at a time when his parents thought they were going to be empty nesters with just the fun of grandchildren, they suddenly had a new (and like 7th) baby to deal with. Because of that, he was raised with incredibly strict rules, and I realized pretty early on that I would never be albe to raise kids with him. Behaviors that I found perfectly acceptable (and actually on the "good" side), he would think were kids running around like hooligans and where were their parents.
Example: We went to a free concert on the college quad- Disney music was being played, so it was overrun with kids. In addition, they were giving out free watermelon. There were three children, standing on the edge of the grass (and it's a college quad, you definitely can walk on the grass), so not blocking the sidewalk at all, having a watermelon seed spitting contest aimed at the bushes against one of the buildings. (And I should note, they were not standing on the far side of the sidewalk and spitting over it, but were on the same side of the grass as the building was.)
So- 3 kids, not in anyone's way, not spitting their seeds on the sidewalk or at other people or even each other, but aiming them at bushes around a bulding, laughing and having some good natured competition. To me, that seemed like perfect behavior- exactly what I would expect (and want) out of my 8-10 year old. He thought they were behaving like hooligans.

So I guess what I want to say is that yes, being of different cultures is more likely to guarantee that someone was raised with different expectations than you were, but that can happen with someone who seems like they should be exactly like you, too.

[midjd]

I've dated women from all walks of life. There are many common threads. I've listed some of them.

*whoosh*

A "type" doesn't have to be socioeconomic, cultural, or anything else - it's a personality thing. Codependents, addicts, and emotionally unbalanced people come from all walks of life...

Again, if every person you date has the same flaw - that says more about you than it does your dates.

[Opti]

May 10, 2012 12:12:49 GMT -5 Savoir Faire-Demogague in NJ said:

May 10, 2012 12:03:22 GMT -5 midjd said:

I think when you have a "type", and date within that type, it's a little unfair to generalize all members of that gender based on the behavior you've seen. Even if you don't think you have a type, most people do attract certain distinct personalities. E.g. Doxie with her "I didn't pick my husbands, they picked me."

My uncle dates a lot of unbalanced women. As a result, he thinks all women are crazy. What he doesn't see is that the women who want to date HIM are usually alcoholics... and there are a lot more unbalanced alcoholic women than unbalanced women in general.

My dad dates a lot of young, naive girls with daddy issues. He seeks them out because they're usually the only ones who put up with his crap. When these relationships end, the girls say "so typical, all guys are douchebags." No, when it's obvious you have low self-esteem and will put up with a ton of crap in exchange for having a guy - ANY guy - you will end up with mostly douchebags. Not rocket science.

So I take issue with SF's generalizations of women. I disagree with generalizations to begin with, and when you're only looking at a certain data set, of course you're going to see similar characteristics...

I've dated women from all walks of life. There are many common threads. I've listed some of them.

Yes, and the only thing they have in common is they were willing to date you. You attract what you believe you will attract so evidence becomes self-fufilling. If you attract the wrong kind of people the problem is you not them.

If you were truly sane and wanted a healthy relationship it would be energistically impossible for you to attract crazy people in your life.
These women are your mirror. If you don't like what you see in these women you need to fix the man in the mirror as the saying goes.

[Bob Ross]

May 10, 2012 12:42:14 GMT -5 @moneyjenny82 said:

like.... they're all crazy?

All women are crazy. This is fact. There I said it.

The only difference is the amount and type of crazy, and how / when / where it presents itself.

Why, you could be crazy and not even know it.

Scratch that. What I meant to say is that you are crazy but may not even know it. I mean, being a woman and all.

Don't blame me. I didn't make the rules.

[Deleted]

May 10, 2012 12:57:51 GMT -5 Bob Ross said:

May 10, 2012 12:42:14 GMT -5 @moneyjenny82 said:

like.... they're all crazy?

All women are crazy. This is fact. There I said it.

The only difference is the amount and type of crazy, and how / when / where it presents itself.

Why, you could be crazy and not even know it.

Scratch that. What I meant to say is that you are crazy but may not even know it. I mean, being a woman and all.

Don't blame me. I didn't make the rules.

<<chases after Bob with a cast iron skillet>>

[midjd]

Yes, and the only thing they have in common is they were willing to date you. You attract what you believe you will attract so evidence becomes self-fufilling. If you attract the wrong kind of people the problem is you not them.

If you were truly sane and wanted a healthy relationship it would be energistically impossible for you to attract crazy people in your life.
These women are your mirror. If you don't like what you see in these women you need to fix the man in the mirror as the saying goes.

Exactly.

SF, there is something in the personalities/psyches of the women you date that attracts you. You may not even know what it is. But whatever it is that attracts you also correlates to their fear of being alone, and the other traits you've described as "typical for women." It's not a coincidence that the women you date end up having very similar personality traits - it's those personality traits that attract them to you, and vice versa...

Doesn't mean it's a good or bad thing - but if you keep attracting a certain type (overly emotional, selfish, or whatever else), and you don't like that type, it's time to examine what aspect of YOUR personality makes these women attractive to you - and you to them.

[Wisconsin Beth]

<Beth hands Jenny Drama's 2x4 'cause it's got a longer reach than the pan.>

[Bob Ross]

May 10, 2012 13:07:52 GMT -5 @moneyjenny82 said:

<<chases after Bob with a cast iron skillet>>

See? It's your inner crazy coming out.

I see you are the skillet-chasing kind of crazy.

[Deleted]

I'm all kinds of crazy.....

[Bob Ross]

May 10, 2012 13:57:34 GMT -5 @tbird said:

Well if we accept the male premise that women are by nature crazy, then it stands to reason that men throughout time have preferred that and chose that....and chased that.

Are you implying that female crazyness is an evolutionary trait?

I do not accept that.

Jesus made women crazy.

[Savoir Faire-Demogague in NJ]

like.... they're all crazy?

Yes, and the big one is fear of being alone. The other biggie is not being able to take care of themselves even though they have sufficient income.

[Deleted]

May 10, 2012 14:00:11 GMT -5 Savoir Faire-Demogague in NJ said:

like.... they're all crazy?

Yes, and the big one is fear of being alone. The other biggie is not being able to take care of themselves even though they have sufficient income.

and why do you think all the women you've dated have these qualities?

[quotequeen]

May 10, 2012 14:02:08 GMT -5 @moneyjenny82 said:

May 10, 2012 14:00:11 GMT -5 Savoir Faire-Demogague in NJ said:

like.... they're all crazy?

Yes, and the big one is fear of being alone. The other biggie is not being able to take care of themselves even though they have sufficient income.

and why do you think all the women you've dated have these qualities?

Because they're women, duuuuuuh!

[swamp]

May 10, 2012 14:02:32 GMT -5 @tbird said:

May 10, 2012 14:00:11 GMT -5 Savoir Faire-Demogague in NJ said:

like.... they're all crazy?

Yes, and the big one is fear of being alone. The other biggie is not being able to take care of themselves even though they have sufficient income.

let's call a spade a spade here. ONLY a woman who was desperate and afraid of being alone would bother dating you. No need to extrapolate to the rest of the feminine who are likely avoiding you like the plague.....

<<snort>>