Culture Clashes In Relationships

[Deleted]

R'Amen

[Happy prose]

SF....I can't believe you are willing to alter your shore time for a woman! Why can't she go to the shore? We don't have a shore home, but go every weekend in the summer. If someone tried to change that, it would be a relationship killer. Stick to your guns!!

[Deleted]

[andi9899]

Hell, Baby Daddy and I are of the same ethnicity and have clashed. He was born and raised in Mexico and I in the US. There were some major differences. There are so many reasons we aren't together anymore, but this was huge.

[andi9899]

You have a very special talent for picking the crazies.

And here I thought it was just me. A friend suggested internet dating to me a few weeks ago. I told her I manage to meet enough creeps on my own, I don't need help.

[quotequeen]

May 11, 2012 10:57:08 GMT -5 Firebird said:

My mom also gets one me about not going to church often. My relationship with God is my business and my business alone.

Totally agree. That's one thing I deeply respect about my parents. They have never, not even once, pressured me to become a Catholic (they raised me Protestant, which none of us are any longer, and they themselves converted to Catholicism five or six years ago).

It's because they've been so gentle about it and their faith has changed them so much for the better (particularly my dad) that I have been so open to learning about it and even going to mass with them occasionally. There's a long list of reasons why I could never be a Catholic myself but I have come to believe that their faith is a very beautiful thing.

Really, the Catholic faith is pretty awesome. I think most of the hang-ups come about when it's forced on people. Forcing religion on anyone is a horrible thing to do - the rules, especially, represent nothing except repression and coercion to anyone who doesn't genuinely WANT to live in accordance with them.

This is the part that got to me. Nobody ever seemed interested in convincing me that I *should* believe it, or giving me reasons, they just told me that I do. And when I started saying "wait a minute...." I became a huge disappointment. I was a pretty goody two shoes kid, and this was one of the few things my mom and I ever fought about.

[bean29]

May 11, 2012 10:57:40 GMT -5 @moneyjenny82 said:

May 11, 2012 10:51:45 GMT -5 swamp said:

I have a problem that the rules are made by a bunch of old white dudes who do not have spouses or children.

A thread about culture clashes in relationships turns into a discussion about religion and SF's opinion of baby boomer women? Only on YM.

I am a Boomer Woman (1964). Looking forward to being on my own someday. (I guess I would never date SF). I am pretty independent now...my DH is a workaholic. I can either fight with him a lot or do things on my own. I just plan to do things without him and he usually comes along. If I picked a fight with him to come with me, I think he would join me a lot less.

I was born a Catholic. I am a huge beleiver in BC. Their recent stance against BC has caused me to no longer consider my self catholic. I agee that it is their "Power Grab". It has nothing to do with anything departed to the Pope in the chair of Peter.

Talk about culture clash. DH is Mexican. He has always maintained Mothers Day is May 10th. He brought me flowers yesterday. I asked him if all his brothers observed Mother's day on the 10th also. He said his oldest brother does (DH is 2nd Oldest of 8). I think the rest of his brothers observe Mother's Day on the Traditional American Mother's day. Only 2 of my BIL's were born in the US...the next youngest one was 2 when he came here though.

[andi9899]

Well, not exactly from a different culture since we are both white, rural midwest raised; but DH and I are 17 years apart in age and there are some generation/culture issues that we've come across.

My last BF was considerably older than me (he's 52 and I'm 33) and raised in a different area as well. He's a country boy (from small place in NE) and I'm am such a city girl (I've always lived in KC) it's ridiculous. We were together for 2 years. We still love each other, but we've figured out that we make way better friends than partners.

[Deleted]

May 11, 2012 11:43:07 GMT -5 swamp said:

They both believe their Dad is kind of nuts and don't want to hear anything about his beliefs.

I"d love to hear more just because it's so wild. But then, the whole Zombie Jesus story is pretty wild too................

LOL. When I get over my shock and get done laughing when my kids (and my ex's Mom) tell me that stuff, I put it out of my head.

He and his wife are really strange. They're "vegans" that wear leather and eat meat off DD's plate when they go out for dinner. I asked her if they get sick afterwards and she said no. I thought if you stopped eating meat completely for years and then ate some it would make you sick.

White people are evil, and every single thing in the world is a conspiracy to keep black people down. I'm soooooo glad I raised my children well enough that they can recognize their Dad is full of bullshit without me having to tell them.

I'm amazed he found someone to marry that would go along with his weirdness. But then again, I've always known her as his cousin and she looks just like his Mom, who was confused because this woman had lived with her girlfriend for years. Mom didn't attend the wedding.

Maybe it's not so bad he didn't spend much time with the kids when they were younger, since he got weirder and weirder after his second divorce. I wouldn't have wanted my children influenced by that madness. Now they just tell me crazy stories about what their Dad says and we all shake our heads.

[Deleted]

May 11, 2012 11:44:31 GMT -5 ArchietheDragon said:

R'Amen

[mandyms]

I'm soooooo glad I raised my children well enough that they can recognize their Dad is full of bullshit without me having to tell them.


Pink, how did you manage that? I don't want to talk negatively about my ex, but I think DD is really going to need the tools to manage dealing with her father.

[midjd]

Pink, how did you manage that? I don't want to talk negatively about my ex, but I think DD is really going to need the tools to manage dealing with her father.

I think if kids are exposed to plenty of "normal," they're pretty well able to decipher craziness, even from a young age. Then again, my brother and sister DON'T think my dad is crazy, so I guess it didn't work on them

[andi9899]

For example, if I were dating someone like cawiau, it would be VERY difficult for me to accept or understand his family's "normal" level of meddling.

Remember that movie My Big Fat Greek Wedding. That's the andi family. We're just darker.

[movingforward]

May 11, 2012 11:43:07 GMT -5 swamp said:

They both believe their Dad is kind of nuts and don't want to hear anything about his beliefs.

I"d love to hear more just because it's so wild. But then, the whole Zombie Jesus story is pretty wild too................

Yeah, I minored in religious studies (not useful but I figured most minors aren't anyway) and I studied Christianity, Hinduism, Buddhism, and Native American creationism. It was all some pretty wild stuff to me which is one reason why I am agnostic. My theory is just live a good life and practice the golden rule: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. That is one rule I feel like you can't go wrong with.

[Firebird]

I think if kids are exposed to plenty of "normal," they're pretty well able to decipher craziness, even from a young age. Then again, my brother and sister DON'T think my dad is crazy, so I guess it didn't work on them

I would agree with that. No one needed to point out the crazy relatives in DH's family to him. If people are whacked in the head, kids work that out for themselves for the most part. And when they don't, it's probably because of a dysfunctional attachment which is not something you can fix by telling them how crazy their dad is.

I think all you can really do is be there for them and let them vent. Support them when their dad hurts them but don't go out of your way to add fuel to the fire. They'll probably understand that you're holding back, and they'll respect you for it.

[andi9899]

I'm a bad Catholic. I'm all about birth control.

Me too. But I fully admit to being a sinner. I have to go to a church function this weekend per my mother. I hope my grandma doesn't stroke out when she sees me.

[swamp]

May 11, 2012 12:21:44 GMT -5 andi9899 said:

For example, if I were dating someone like cawiau, it would be VERY difficult for me to accept or understand his family's "normal" level of meddling.

Remember that movie My Big Fat Greek Wedding. That's the andi family. We're just darker.

does windex really work on skin issues?

[Deleted]

May 11, 2012 12:11:32 GMT -5 mandyms said:

I'm soooooo glad I raised my children well enough that they can recognize their Dad is full of bullshit without me having to tell them.


Pink, how did you manage that? I don't want to talk negatively about my ex, but I think DD is really going to need the tools to manage dealing with her father.

I'm not sure how to answer that. I just taught them what I thought was right and tried to raise them to be good, responsible people. I tried to set a good example with how I lived my life. We went through the "why isn't Dad there for me" issues, and I didn't bash him (to them!), but tried to help them understand that their Dad's issues were his and there was nothing about them that caused him to be that way. Their Dad didn't really get strange until the kids were teenagers, so by then they pretty much knew what was "normal".

[andi9899]

I really want to date a Mexican- I know that sounds crazy but I have always wanted to, and now I know a whole bunch of HOT Mexican guys... I'm not real sure if that's really going to jive with my personality, because I know their culture and I have had a lot of conversations about what my friends expect in realtionships. Monogamy is something that many can deal with, but some just won't. They're also pretty macho and I am a very independent female. They're very open about jealousy. Family is extremely important to them. Their style of eating and sense of time is also very different than mine, so that would take getting used to. However- they do hug and kiss every woman they meet. It's been great for me so far!!

I think they're overrated. I'm Mexican and I don't even date Mexican guys anymore. Especially the ones who were born there. Nah. Not for me.

[mandyms]

May 11, 2012 12:51:05 GMT -5 andi9899 said:

I really want to date a Mexican- I know that sounds crazy but I have always wanted to, and now I know a whole bunch of HOT Mexican guys... I'm not real sure if that's really going to jive with my personality, because I know their culture and I have had a lot of conversations about what my friends expect in realtionships. Monogamy is something that many can deal with, but some just won't. They're also pretty macho and I am a very independent female. They're very open about jealousy. Family is extremely important to them. Their style of eating and sense of time is also very different than mine, so that would take getting used to. However- they do hug and kiss every woman they meet. It's been great for me so far!!

I think they're overrated. I'm Mexican and I don't even date Mexican guys anymore. Especially the ones who were born there. Nah. Not for me.

Ditto for me. And the fact that I'm pretty "tall" for a Mexican (5'7"). My bff went to Cinco De Mayo celebrations and I had a hard time finding anyone the same height/taller than me in my heels.

[andi9899]

does windex really work on skin issues?

I don't know. I'll have to try it.

[andi9899]

Ditto for me. And the fact that I'm pretty "tall" for a Mexican (5'7"). My bff went to Cinco De Mayo celebrations and I had a hard time finding anyone the same height/taller than me in my heels.

I hear ya. I'm only 5'2", so I fit in pretty well. I went out with this guy on Cinco de Mayo and he asked where I wanted to go. I told him anywhere except a Mexican restaurant. We went to a little bar/grill place and it was dead. It was a first date, so I didn't want to go to a crowded bar where I couldn't even hear the guy talk over loud music.

[Firefly]

I am engaged to man from completely different race/country - so far we haven't had anything I would consider cultural differences. Our main difference is religion and neither of us are very religious so it's more of a problem for my parents, I mean the small cultural differences, then it is for us. They keep pointing out all the young nice men that share the same background and how proud they will be if I would settle with one of them.

[The J]

May 11, 2012 12:24:37 GMT -5 movingforward said:

My theory is just live a good life and practice the golden rule: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. That is one rule I feel like you can't go wrong with.

I much prefer "Do unto others before they do unto you"

[raeoflyte]

I know this thread took a different turn, but it is something I think about quite a bit.

DH is a first generation immigrant (just on his dad's side). So he is fully American culturally, but with all of the old world deep grounded beliefs about what makes a good child/family. It's obviously never stopped him from being who he is, and kudos to his folks to sticking by him with everything.

But we've found that those tapes from childhood (that you didn't even realize you internalized) are the hardest to work through. After ds was born, something went off in dh's brain about what kind of husband/father he had to be, and unfortunately it turned him into an ass. Thankfully our marriage counselor pinpointed key issues right away and things have improved. I don't know if he'll ever be the same as he was though. (I do acknowledge that everyone changes after a child, but this isn't just reevaluating priorities)

[TD2K]

It was quite shocking to me that I had married this pretty, funny, little goth boy from london, and then after we were married and had a son, he suddenly thought he was going to be the big macho head of the household who calls all the shots and tells me what to do.....oh no, not happening.

I worked with a girl that married a guy from another culture. Her family had a bird first because of his religion and/or culture. Once they were married, he suddenly changed into this macho 'head of the household, you do what I tell you' guy. They aren't married anymore which caused another rift in her family since you don't divorce.

[TD2K]

Sheep are stupid.

You haven't met Harold obviously




"He's that more dangerous of animals, a clever sheep"

[raeoflyte]

tbird--if dh hadn't been able to realize he was acting out of character (and was also appalled by some of his new reactions) we never would have made it, so I am quite relieved for that.

[servant_of_dog]

May 10, 2012 14:11:05 GMT -5 Sum Dum Gai said:

Yes, and the big one is fear of being alone. The other biggie is not being able to take care of themselves even though they have sufficient income.

Dude, not this conversation again. I don't know what you think you're saying, but this is what the rest of us are hearing.
"I've dated lots of women, and I can say with certainty, that only the crazy ones are willing to go out with me."

sorry, I'm only to this post, but to Dark.

[Deleted]

May 10, 2012 15:52:01 GMT -5 happyhoix said:

And yes I did marry a guy from a different culture. DH is a born southern American, I'm a Yankee.

His mother gave me advice on how I needed to allow DH wear the pants in the family. How I needed to make sure I didn't earn more money than he did because he's the man of the family. Once she freaked out because I washed a pair of his wool dress slacks. I told her I wash whatever goes into the hamper - if he wants something dry cleaned he needs to set it to the side and take it to the dry cleaner himself. I'm not sure if this is a Southern thing or just a very conservative thing.

What was southern was the food. Fat back, sweet tea and deep fat trying whatever fits in the pot. And football as a religion.

My MIL and FIL tried to have the same talk with me. Once his mom told me that he had dirty clothes in the bathroom that I needed to pick them up. I told her nope, your son needs to pick them up. She told me it was my job as his wife to clean up after him. I told her that if he EVER said something like that to me, then it would be my job as an equal partner and woman to put my foot up his ass. Yes, I said exactly that to his mother. They were taken aback at first with my "I am NOT my husband's maid or mother" attitude but they grew to love me. I just had to let it be known that just because that is how the women did things in their family, it was not the way I did things.