Culture Clashes In Relationships

[imawino]

May 10, 2012 14:35:49 GMT -5 Bob Ross said:

May 10, 2012 14:32:58 GMT -5 midjd said:

Well, I can now definitively say that it IS SF who makes women crazy. I'm not even dating him and he's driven me over the edge

One could say that he's simply drawing out your inner crazy, like a healer sucking poison from a wound.

Is that liek how my sweetie is always trying to convince me a snake bit him on the penis?

[Deleted]

We are from the same culture but the fact that we are from two different social-economical background we might as well have been from two different cultures.

[Bob Ross]

May 10, 2012 14:35:08 GMT -5 Savoir Faire-Demogague in NJ said:

May 10, 2012 14:19:46 GMT -5 Bob Ross said:

Aww c'mon. Do you mean that you ladies aren't at least a bit interested as to what goes on at "the love nest"?

I get snide, sarcastic remarks... they are all jealous though.

In all honesty, I think it's cool that you've got a beach house, but I always thought it was funny that you refer to it as that.

I mean, it sounds like something a fratboy would call it. Or a guy who wears a lot of Hawaiian shirts. You don't wear a lot of Hawaiian shirts, do you?

[midjd]

And sandals with black socks.

[imawino]

And spray tans.

[kgb18]

I'm late to the thread, so I'll go back OT.

Didn't want to hijack cawiau's thread but this is an interesting topic. Have you ever dated someone from another culture and if so, what was the biggest culture clash you experienced?

Yes. I was raised Roman Catholic by parents who grew up in the United States. I dated a guy who was Muslim and raised by parents who grew up in Yemen. In that case I think the cultural/religious clash kind of went hand in hand. His religion prohibited drinking and pets in the house. I like to drink and had a cat.

We met through work and dated for awhile. While we had a lot in common, and I really liked him, ultimately our differences were insurmountable. We hit that point in the relationship where we either had to break up or get serious. We had a long talk and really couldn't figure out how to overcome some of the major obstacles, specifically if we ever had kids how we would raise them. We broke up. I was sad, but it was the most mature, drama-free, reasonable break up I've ever had.

[happyhoix]

May 10, 2012 13:10:07 GMT -5 midjd said:

Yes, and the only thing they have in common is they were willing to date you. You attract what you believe you will attract so evidence becomes self-fufilling. If you attract the wrong kind of people the problem is you not them.

If you were truly sane and wanted a healthy relationship it would be energistically impossible for you to attract crazy people in your life.
These women are your mirror. If you don't like what you see in these women you need to fix the man in the mirror as the saying goes.

Exactly.

SF, there is something in the personalities/psyches of the women you date that attracts you. You may not even know what it is. But whatever it is that attracts you also correlates to their fear of being alone, and the other traits you've described as "typical for women." It's not a coincidence that the women you date end up having very similar personality traits - it's those personality traits that attract them to you, and vice versa...

Doesn't mean it's a good or bad thing - but if you keep attracting a certain type (overly emotional, selfish, or whatever else), and you don't like that type, it's time to examine what aspect of YOUR personality makes these women attractive to you - and you to them.

This reminds me of a guy I knew who was about 40 and had been married and divorced 3 times, with lots of GF's in between the wives. He always insisted all women are crazy, all women are actively trying to cheat on their husbands, and all women are no good.

Of course, he married wife 1 when he knew she was an alcoholic, he married wife 2 knowing she was a drug addict (his excuse for marrying her despite what he knew - she lived near by so it was 'convenient' - whatever the hell that means) and he started dating wife 3 when she was still married to another guy.

His problem was he always had to have a girlfriend so he tended to jump into relationships without doing the due diligence first. Then whined when he found out the foundation was cracked and there were squirrels in the attic.

[happyhoix]

And yes I did marry a guy from a different culture. DH is a born southern American, I'm a Yankee.

His mother gave me advice on how I needed to allow DH wear the pants in the family. How I needed to make sure I didn't earn more money than he did because he's the man of the family. Once she freaked out because I washed a pair of his wool dress slacks. I told her I wash whatever goes into the hamper - if he wants something dry cleaned he needs to set it to the side and take it to the dry cleaner himself. I'm not sure if this is a Southern thing or just a very conservative thing.

What was southern was the food. Fat back, sweet tea and deep fat trying whatever fits in the pot. And football as a religion.

[Firebird]

So I guess what I want to say is that yes, being of different cultures is more likely to guarantee that someone was raised with different expectations than you were, but that can happen with someone who seems like they should be exactly like you, too.

Makes sense. I just see inter-ethnic (is that the right term?) relationships as being more prone, on average, to misunderstandings.

For example, if I were dating someone like cawiau, it would be VERY difficult for me to accept or understand his family's "normal" level of meddling. It would likely drive a wedge between us more often than not. And yes, someone from my same culture could easily have a meddling family - but he would probably be more likely to see how it's not really appropriate according to most other people in our shared culture.

May 10, 2012 12:54:29 GMT -5 midjd said:

I've dated women from all walks of life. There are many common threads. I've listed some of them.

*whoosh*

A "type" doesn't have to be socioeconomic, cultural, or anything else - it's a personality thing. Codependents, addicts, and emotionally unbalanced people come from all walks of life...

Again, if every person you date has the same flaw - that says more about you than it does your dates.

Mid, was that *whoosh* the sound of your point flying over SF's head?

[Firebird]

Yes, and the big one is fear of being alone. The other biggie is not being able to take care of themselves even though they have sufficient income.



Is it even worth debating this one? (I'm catching up on the thread.) I like having DH around very much, but I could manage just fine on my own and I am not afraid of that scenario.

[Sum Dum Gai]

Whoa! Everyone turned into a guest. Freaky.

And now you're all back. Did anyone else see that or was it just me?

[Firebird]

May 10, 2012 14:12:10 GMT -5 midjd said:

Thank you, Dark. For some reason, when women tell him that, it doesn't compute...

Oh, there's a reason. By nature, misogynists do not take the word of women seriously. Any legitimate point has to come from a man if it has a chance in hell of sinking in.

[Firebird]

Seriously, am I just screaming into the interwebs here?

Yup. Only people who already understand your point can grasp its deep complexity. Everyone else is SOL.

[quotequeen]

May 10, 2012 16:11:26 GMT -5 Firebird said:

Yes, and the big one is fear of being alone. The other biggie is not being able to take care of themselves even though they have sufficient income.



Is it even worth debating this one? (I'm catching up on the thread.) I like having DH around very much, but I could manage just fine on my own and I am not afraid of that scenario.

You're not a boomer.

[Firebird]

I'm late to the thread, so I'll go back OT.

Bless you ;D

Yes. I was raised Roman Catholic by parents who grew up in the United States. I dated a guy who was Muslim and raised by parents who grew up in Yemen. In that case I think the cultural/religious clash kind of went hand in hand. His religion prohibited drinking and pets in the house. I like to drink and had a cat.

Oh wow, Catholic and Muslim. I'd think the religion clash might be harder to work with than the cultural clash.

We had a long talk and really couldn't figure out how to overcome some of the major obstacles, specifically if we ever had kids how we would raise them. We broke up. I was sad, but it was the most mature, drama-free, reasonable break up I've ever had.

That's too bad, he sounds like a good guy. But this is definitely one of my biggest objections to dating anyone religious (when I was single, I mean - I'm not actually dating anymore ). Anyone religious I ever dated would have had to be okay with NOT raising the children in his religion (or mine if I had one).

I don't believe in forcing religion on kids. So as much as I like Catholicism (and I do, very much) that pretty much ruled out me ever seriously dating a serious Catholic. Not that it ever came up.

[Firebird]

And now you're all back. Did anyone else see that or was it just me?

Was just you.

[shanendoah]

Dark: Florida Yankee saw it happen over on EE a while ago, but it hasn't happened to me.

Boomer women afraid of being alone: My mom is a boomer woman. After her divorce from my father back in the late 80s, I would not say she was afraid of being alone, but she hated it, and my father's remarriage (about 9 months after the divorce was final) was very difficult for her, especially since the man she had been dating called her one day to say "I met a woman in line at the grocery store today,and we're getting married." Luckily, that didn't make my mom think all men her age were like that.
Since my step-father died, my mother still doesn't like being alone, but she no longer sees being in a relationship as the only way to avoid that. She has lots of friends and a more active life than I do. She dates, but she has no desire to get married again.
My mom doesn't like being alone because she's an extrover. She has always been happiest when surrounded by family and friends. I don't think it has anything to do with being a boomer though, or even being in this stage in her life. It's simply who she is.
She'd never get upset at SF for going off to his beach house for the weekends because most likely her weekends are already planned. He might get mad at her for how little he would get to see her, though.

My brother has the stupid white knight complex. He wants to be a hero, so he dates women who need rescuing. It in general winds up in them using him and then going back to their jerk exes.
The thing is, even if they didn't go back to the exes, it wouldn't have worked. My brother has too strong a personality to be happy with someone who needs to be rescued. He needs a woman who is capable of rescuing herself.
He's finally taken a nice long break from dating, so I'm hoping, when he starts again, he can avoid the crazies. He'll make an excellent husband and stepfather, but it has to be for someone who can stand up to him. (And I say stepfather because my brother loves kids, and given his age- 39 -is pretty much guaranteed to end up with a single mom.)

[kgb18]

I don't believe in forcing religion on kids. So as much as I like Catholicism (and I do, very much) that pretty much ruled out me ever seriously dating a serious Catholic. Not that it ever came up.

While I am Catholic, I could have compromised with another religion if it hadn't been so very, very different. Islam and Catholicism are pretty much as far apart as you can get. He felt very strongly that his children would be Muslim. While I respect the religion, I couldn't find any middle ground between our two faiths as far as raising children goes.

He was a good guy. I lost touch with him. Not only was he a good guy, he was totally hot. And I swear that every time I met one of his siblings, he or she was more beautiful than the last. There must have been good genes in that bloodline because they were one nice looking family.

[movingforward]

I dated the nicest guy back in college who was Catholic but we just couldn't agree on way too many things. He was pretty devout and I am really not very religious at all. He is now married to another devout Catholic and they have 5 children (met her right after we stopped seeing one another). They are both attorneys so at least they can afford all those kids. I am truly happy that he found someone he is compatible with. We had some really good times but it would have never worked long term. I would probably kill myself if I had 5 children

[kgb18]

I would probably kill myself if I had 5 children

That's not a Catholic thing. I'm Catholic, and I do not want 5 children. I'm due with #2 in about 3 weeks, and then I'm done.

[Firebird]

Islam and Catholicism are pretty much as far apart as you can get. He felt very strongly that his children would be Muslim. While I respect the religion, I couldn't find any middle ground between our two faiths as far as raising children goes.

Totally agree. There are religions that can coexist peacefully in the same household - but those two don't come to mind.

[Firebird]

That's not a Catholic thing. I'm Catholic, and I do not want 5 children. I'm due with #2 in about 3 weeks, and then I'm done.

Congrats!

[movingforward]

May 10, 2012 16:46:15 GMT -5 kgb18 said:

I would probably kill myself if I had 5 children

That's not a Catholic thing. I'm Catholic, and I do not want 5 children. I'm due with #2 in about 3 weeks, and then I'm done.

I am not putting all Catholics in the same box but for him it was a Catholic thing. He believed in no BC and went to confession every time we had sex because I was on the pill and he thought it was wrong - well, both because we had sex prior to marriage and because of the BC thing. He was one of 6 children and one of his aunts had 8 children. I don't remember how many kids the other aunts and uncles had but they all had a lot and he was determined to also have a large family.

[kgb18]

Thanks Firebird!

I'm a bad Catholic. I'm all about birth control.

[Firebird]

He believed in no BC and went to confession every time we had sex because I was on the pill and he thought it was wrong - well, both because we had sex prior to marriage and because of the BC thing.

Why were you guys having sex then?

(The eyeroll is directed at him, not you. I never understand people who consider something to be wrong but do it on a regular basis anyway. Particularly in this case. For devout Catholics, sex before marriage is a mortal sin and a very big deal, especially if birth control is involved.)

[Tired Tess]

Are SF and MU brothers??? One in the same???

[movingforward]

May 10, 2012 17:01:50 GMT -5 Firebird said:

He believed in no BC and went to confession every time we had sex because I was on the pill and he thought it was wrong - well, both because we had sex prior to marriage and because of the BC thing.

Why were you guys having sex then?

(The eyeroll is directed at him, not you. I never understand people who consider something to be wrong but do it on a regular basis anyway. Particularly in this case. For devout Catholics, sex before marriage is a mortal sin and a very big deal, especially if birth control is involved.)

I know, right? Well, he obviously "wanted" to have sex and for me personally I expect to have sex if I am in a relationship. I mean, I want to get to know the person first and all that but after we have been together for a bit I expect we will get it on because despite what certain men on this board think there are women who like sex Anyway, he felt guilty all the time (just the way he was raised) which is why he went to mass and/or confession almost daily. I on the other hand felt no guilt whatsoever and he just couldn't understand why I had no guilt about this. In terms of just going out and having a great time together, we were extremely compatible. We laughed a lot together and had a good friendship but couldn't get past the religious differences.

[hurley1980]

My mom is a boomer, divorced my dad in 1992, hasn't been with a man since. I doubt she is afraid of being alone....if she is, she is very good at hiding it!

I almost married an eastern European. Culture clash was too much! His mom lived with us, and even though I was the only one in the house working and paying all the bills, she ran the house like a dictator, and I had to deal with it because "shes the mother!" Oh hell no! She also told me I needed to start popping out babies so her son and I would have someone to take care of us when we are old.

I also dated an Iraqi guy for a while. He was an atheist and loved vodka, so obviously he wasn't the typical, but he sure was fun and cute! That was a good fling. ;D He had only been in the US for a year when we met, so he didn't understand a lot of slang and jokes that are normal here. I spend a good amount of time trying to explain myself while he stared at me blankly.

[Firebird]

I on the other hand felt no guilt whatsoever and he just couldn't understand why I had no guilt about this.

The guilt thing can be a killer. I've experienced that before. Too bad it didn't work out, though.

[quince]

A little. We're both several generations of American, but I'm of Asian descent and my SO is of European, so there's probably some cultural dust here and there. Mostly shows itself when dealing with our families- (Mostly his, comments about me/my culture/foods I cook/my skin color. Some mine- my grandmother's comment about how my mom and me like Haole boys.)

Some of it is just differences in family, though- mine is pretty reserved and expects problems to be resolved by the people directly involved, quietly. His is...a bit pushier and thinks everything is their damned business.