swamp
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Post by swamp on May 20, 2011 13:40:46 GMT -5
We actually didn't have a civil conversation about it till AFTER we were married. ![:P](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/tongue.png) LOL. OUr conversation about it went this way: Me: I'm not changing my name when we get married. DH: OK.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on May 20, 2011 13:45:16 GMT -5
Lucky.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on May 20, 2011 13:47:46 GMT -5
Eh, we did have some doozies about what the kids last name would be. I gave in on that one because it really mattered to him. He stuck his foot in his mouth over it, too, though. DH is 1 of 3 boys, 1 brother has a son, so they're relying on DH's nephew "to carry on the family name. I have 1 brother who has 3 girls, so his argument didn't work there.
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Post by illinicheme on May 20, 2011 13:48:56 GMT -5
...:::"doesn't mean all women are":::... I've always said most, not all. Yep - still sweeping generalizations.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on May 20, 2011 13:50:31 GMT -5
Eh, we did have some doozies about what the kids last name would be. I gave in on that one because it really mattered to him.
Ah, we didn't argue over that one. It meant a lot to DH but I didn't really care as much about it so I gave it to him.
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Post by illinicheme on May 20, 2011 13:52:57 GMT -5
I'm going to end up having to concede any potential kid last names as well.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on May 20, 2011 13:57:28 GMT -5
I figured any kids we had are a blank slate, they don't have a name so it's up for grabs to whoever wants it. DH really really wanted it so she has his last name, plus my current last name sounds HORRID with her first name and it would be a really long name. So that was out. Her having my maiden name, IMO, was just going to get too darn confusing.
I heard a lot "my uterus, my last name" when pregnant and while I got the sentiment, technically DD is not 100% mine. She's at least 50% DH's because it takes two to make a baby. He has every right to want her to have his last name.
Now for me, I was already coming into the marriage with a last name and an identity, I didn't feel I should be expected to drop it and take on DH's.
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Loopdilou
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Post by Loopdilou on May 20, 2011 14:04:00 GMT -5
Our conversations were as follows:
Proposal:
"Well, I'm pregnant.. we should probably get married before you join the military because the paperwork would be a bigger pain in the ass if we did it after you joined."
"Yup."
"So I guess that means we'll get married. Justice of the Peace ok with you?"
"Yup. Though Elvis would be fun."
"Ha!"
Last name conversation:
"Are you changing your last name?"
"Eh. Maybe eventually, but probably not."
People put way too much stock in "That's just the way it's done."
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chen35
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Post by chen35 on May 20, 2011 14:05:47 GMT -5
WWBG. I'm in the opposite position from you. I really didn't want to change my name. It's a unique last name that I have always loved. But DH really wanted me to. And it made sense to have our family all have the same last name. I did it, and I kind of regret it. But...DH is happy. He does a lot of things to make me happy, this is something I could do for him. Just because I had reasons for wanting to keep my maiden name didn't mean I couldn't see where he was coming from. I think both sides have very valid points, and it's not something worth holding resentment over.
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Loopdilou
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Post by Loopdilou on May 20, 2011 14:19:12 GMT -5
Wait, what are the valid points for changing your last name? I still haven't heard any.
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on May 20, 2011 14:22:18 GMT -5
...:::"I got DH's reasoning and I understood.":::... DF "understands". DF ALWAYS "understands". It is NEVER EVER EVER a lack of "understanding". It is the simple fact that the reason is seldom a compelling enough for the other to change their behavior. Me "wanting" something doesn't usually automatically mean I get it. ...:::"Eh, we did have some doozies about what the kids last name would be. I gave in on that one because it really mattered to him.":::... I wish I could be this lucky, but she's already thinking they are going to have her name. I'll probably have to say "they have my name, or we don't have them at all". ...:::"I'm going to end up having to concede any potential kid last names as well.":::... Let me guess... because he really wants it. ...:::"But DH really wanted me to. And it made sense to have our family all have the same last name. I did it, and I kind of regret it. But...DH is happy. He does a lot of things to make me happy, this is something I could do for him":::... Excuse me while I go shoot my fucking brains out. Where were all of you when I was single. Or were you the same ones bleeding me to pay for dates, but you just matured sooner? Seriously, my biggest mistake was STARTING from the stance that a relationship should be equal. What a goddamn dumbass I was thinking that women wanted equality. All I did was pre-give up ground. I should have demanded my way 100% of the time and negotiated down to 50, instead of starting at 50 and getting taken down to 25. And SOB the Macho Man just died! What NEXT ![:(](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/sad.png)
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chen35
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Post by chen35 on May 20, 2011 14:27:56 GMT -5
I think that a husband wanting his family to all have the same last name is a valid point. I want my kids to have the same last name as me. It's similar to women who get divorced but keep their married name so they have the same last name as their kids. It may not be logical (I for one don't think that having the same last name as my husband makes us more married), but opinions based on tradition and just feeling that you would like things to be a certain way are still valid in my opinion. I don't think most men walk around thinking that they want their wife to have the same last name as them so they can 'own' them.
Others may disagree, and that's fine. Everyone has to find a solution that works for them.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on May 20, 2011 14:29:05 GMT -5
I don't think most men walk around thinking that they want their wife to have the same last name as them so they can 'own' them. I don't either, I just think my husband really needs to learn to think before he speaks. ![:P](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/tongue.png)
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chen35
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Post by chen35 on May 20, 2011 14:33:50 GMT -5
I don't either, I just think my husband really needs to learn to think before he speaks. ![:P](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/tongue.png) Lol, I would have flipped if my husband said that to me too. ![:)](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/smiley.png)
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Post by illinicheme on May 20, 2011 14:35:44 GMT -5
...:::"I'm going to end up having to concede any potential kid last names as well.":::... Let me guess... because he really wants it. Yes. Unfortunately DH wasn't quite confident enough in his masculinity to give a big finger to society and pick an entirely new last name together with me. There's no "fair" choice on the kids, so I'll have to give in to societal demands to keep the peace. Of course, it's still all hypothetical since I'm not pregnant yet. Maybe we'll turn out to be infertile and then we can avoid the question altogether. The next potential battleground is SAH parent. If DH wants that, he's going to have to be it, because I make the lion's share of the dough and we can't afford our mortgage on just his salary.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on May 20, 2011 14:38:00 GMT -5
Seriously, my biggest mistake was STARTING from the stance that a relationship should be equal. What a goddamn dumbass I was thinking that women wanted equality. All I did was pre-give up ground. I should have demanded my way 100% of the time and negotiated down to 50, instead of starting at 50 and getting taken down to 25.
But that's not at all a bad stance to start with! There are plenty of women out there who believe the exact same thing and we do NOT all give up on the entire concept as soon as it's flipped on us.
Several women, myself included, have said on this thread that we prefer not to change our name but we are because it was important to our husbands (or husband-elect, in my case).
We're not all alike. And I'm a huge fan of equality - at least, an equality mentality for lack of a better work. Cooperative might be even better.
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on May 20, 2011 14:54:06 GMT -5
Guess mine is just a bitch then.
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Post by illinicheme on May 20, 2011 14:55:47 GMT -5
Guess mine is just a bitch then. I prefer swamp's use of the term whackjob (douche canoe from a couple of other threads comes to mind too), but yes, essentially your above conclusion is what the forums have been trying to tell you for a really long time.
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Sum Dum Gai
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Post by Sum Dum Gai on May 20, 2011 15:02:58 GMT -5
Guess mine is just a bitch then. That's not fair. It's possible you're just a doormat. You'd have to draw your line in the sand over something to find out.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on May 20, 2011 15:03:16 GMT -5
![:(](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/sad.png) Is she actually as bad as you make her sound, or are you guys just stuck in some really shitty patterns?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 20, 2011 15:05:40 GMT -5
Guess mine is just a bitch then. In the words of my BIL, You picked her!
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moneymaven
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Post by moneymaven on May 20, 2011 15:06:08 GMT -5
How about this to throw a wrench into the conversation? In most Middle Eastern cultures, it is very uncommon for a woman to change her last name when married, and it is not expected. Many will go by their married name, but never actually change their names. And WWGB, I can't believe Macho Man is dead. ![:(](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/sad.png)
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Loopdilou
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Post by Loopdilou on May 20, 2011 15:16:50 GMT -5
Society and tradition demand(ed) a lot of things that don't actually make any sense. No inter-racial marriage, for instance, or that women HAVE to stay home and don't get a vote, gay people are monsters, cats are Satan's minions, and the list goes on and on and on.
Changing your last name is a tradition based on property changing hands - from father to husband. Frankly, that's not the kind of thing I want to support even if it IS what my SO might prefer. I actually tend to lose respect for people who demand things based on really horrible histories. (Note the use of the word "demand" - I could care less if things are mutually agreed upon and totally amenable to both parties involved).
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CarolinaKat
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Post by CarolinaKat on May 20, 2011 15:18:33 GMT -5
Wait, what are the valid points for changing your last name? I still haven't heard any. Would hating your current last name work?
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yogiii
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Post by yogiii on May 20, 2011 15:19:40 GMT -5
Really?? Complaining about a proposal? That's just horrendous. Well just think about how you'll be dealing with this stuff (and it will only get worse, especially with kids) forever before you make the final plunge from DF to DW.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on May 20, 2011 15:20:56 GMT -5
Stay.away.from.TheKnot.
Bunch of pit vipers over there.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 20, 2011 15:21:06 GMT -5
...:::"Eh, we did have some doozies about what the kids last name would be. I gave in on that one because it really mattered to him.":::... I wish I could be this lucky, but she's already thinking they are going to have her name. I'll probably have to say "they have my name, or we don't have them at all". Nothing says "I love you" quite like an ultimatum.
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CarolinaKat
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Post by CarolinaKat on May 20, 2011 15:23:55 GMT -5
Stay.away.from.TheKnot. Bunch of pit vipers over there. This makes me want to go there and look at the trainwrecks
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on May 20, 2011 15:28:01 GMT -5
This makes me want to go there and look at the trainwrecks
They're not really interesting trainwrecks though. They're the kind of trainwrecks that make you want to scream "Life's too short!" and then immediately get to higher, less materialistic ground.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on May 20, 2011 15:30:48 GMT -5
They're the kind of trainwrecks that make you want to scream "Life's too short!" and then immediately get to higher, less materialistic ground
No kidding. The WeddingChannel is just as bad. They chased off the regulars telling us to go to either TheNest or TheBump.
Then there was an upsurge of "My MIL wants to wear blue and I specfically told her that I wanted all my guests to wear green! Is it all right to take back her invitation' type posts.
It makes you want to stab your eyes out after awhile.
My all time favorite was the one who puked in the limo during her bachlorette party and expected her bridesmaids to cover the cleaning bill because "that's what they are supposed to do".
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