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Post by illinicheme on May 20, 2011 10:16:27 GMT -5
Well, there is that, but it was mostly cheap mattresses that had been in use for 5+ years which meant that it was about time to buy something that properly supported our backs while sleeping. ![:P](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/tongue.png)
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MN-Investor
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Post by MN-Investor on May 20, 2011 10:39:43 GMT -5
More and more I hate the cheap copout argument of flipping things around and saying "well why won't YOU change YOUR name". I don't think that women are seriously thinking that their husbands will change their names with this comment. I think what they're trying to do is make the husband think about what it actually means to permanently change one's last name. It's not just the hassle of driver's licenses and bank accounts. It's the fact that the old you has vanished. I would love to Google some old pals from grade school, but I have no clue as to what their names are now. They are lost to me without additional digging. I'm very proud of my heritage (my father's parents came from Norway). My maiden name is decidedly Scandinavian. But a woman who has taken her DH's last name loses that ancestry. I have hyphenated my maiden name with my DH's. Because my maiden name is fairly unique, people will see it and ask if I'm x's daughter, or y's sister. I love my family and my relatives. I lose that if I'm Mrs. Z. Then I'm only related to Z's by marriage. It's sort of like entering the witness protection program.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on May 20, 2011 10:44:51 GMT -5
I think what they're trying to do is make the husband think about what it actually means to permanently change one's last name.
That was where I was trying to go with it when DH and I argued with it. The lightbulb didn't go off till he stuck his foot in his mouth by saying "Well it's my family name and it is important to me".
He's still not thrilled that I hypenated my name, but he finally got it. I wasn't just trying to be a stubborn femi-nazi, it's my name is just as important to me as his is to him.
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Post by illinicheme on May 20, 2011 10:45:47 GMT -5
More and more I hate the cheap copout argument of flipping things around and saying "well why won't YOU change YOUR name". I don't think that women are seriously thinking that their husbands will change their names with this comment. I think what they're trying to do is make the husband think about what it actually means to permanently change one's last name. EXACTLY.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on May 20, 2011 10:46:00 GMT -5
As women are raised to have a sense of self, this will become more the norm.
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on May 20, 2011 11:03:28 GMT -5
...:::"I think what they're trying to do is make the husband think about what it actually means to permanently change one's last name.":::...
I don't think they care whether he gets it or not. They just want to avoid the name change and the argument without being the bad guy. If "he won't do it for me" why should I do it for him"
I think the best thing a man can say in the face of all the "its sexist" "its antiquated" and "its ownership" is to state very simply that this is what he wants. That is the most honest thing he can say, and lets face it, such is pretty much the bottom line of many conflicts between men and women. The ring? Its what she wants despite that financially, it makes a new car look like 100% matching in a 401K by comparison.
FYI, I am not forcing DF to take my name, but I really want her to.
ETA: boy I really wish that whole "think about what it means to do <x>" went both ways. Changing a name is a lot easier than a lot of the stuff men have to do. Thinking of a perfect proposal agonized me for a lot longer than paperwork would have. Read the forums on the knot and see wives who complain about how their husbands proposed for years after the fact.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on May 20, 2011 11:05:17 GMT -5
The ring? Its what she wants despite that financially, it makes a new car look like 100% matching in a 401K by comparison.You mean I could have gotten a ring that cost as much as a new car? I got jipped! ![:P](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/tongue.png)
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on May 20, 2011 11:08:24 GMT -5
...:::"You mean I could have gotten a ring that cost as much as a new car? I got jipped!":::...
No, I mean that the 25% depreciation the car takes upon leaving the lot is better than the 90% loss the ring takes the second the transaction is finished.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on May 20, 2011 11:12:31 GMT -5
I have had the most unromantic proposals ever. I'd have rather had the cash to do with whatever I wanted as opposed to the "rock." Even better would have been to have both, the rock and the cash. Best yet, all 3. Cash, rock, car!! Triple play!!!!
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on May 20, 2011 11:14:13 GMT -5
I'd have to get it appraised but my ring has held up pretty well in value thanks to gold being so high right now. DH wouldn't get what he paid for it, but last time it was appraised he was offered a little over half if he wanted to sell it.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on May 20, 2011 11:15:45 GMT -5
[quote author=wewillbackgowron board=finance thread=8267 post=340460 time=1305907408 FYI, I am not forcing DF to take my name, but I really want her to.
ETA: boy I really wish that whole "think about what it means to do <x>" went both ways. Changing a name is a lot easier than a lot of the stuff men have to do. Thinking of a perfect proposal agonized me for a lot longer than paperwork would have. Read the forums on the knot and see wives who complain about how their husbands proposed for years after the fact.[/quote]
I'm not sure you can "force" her to do anything...........I mean, what would you do, hit her? Hold a gun to her head?
And I'd stay away from The Knot. If a woman is complaining years later about how she was proposed to, that's not somebody I want to associate with.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on May 20, 2011 11:16:01 GMT -5
ETA: boy I really wish that whole "think about what it means to do <x>" went both ways. Changing a name is a lot easier than a lot of the stuff men have to do. Thinking of a perfect proposal agonized me for a lot longer than paperwork would have. Read the forums on the knot and see wives who complain about how their husbands proposed for years after the fact.
I thought this would bug me but I ended up not caring. I kind of had a fantasy about the "perfect proposal" before the fact, but when DF ended up doing it out of the blue, no ring, totally unplanned, it was actually perfect and I realized that the way he proposed really represented his personality and a specific facet of our relationship.
Plus, I was immediately overwhelmed by the significance of it. The proposal is a question that leads to a lifetime. Does it really matter how it's asked? For me, the answer was ultimately no. The lifetime ahead of us is what matters to me.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on May 20, 2011 11:17:06 GMT -5
And I'd stay away from The Knot. If a woman is complaining years later about how she was proposed to, that's not somebody I want to associate with. Pretty much any wedding board, every wedding magazine and every wedding announcement. People kept asking me what I imagined my proprosal and wedding being like and I was honest. .. I didn't even get as far as the proposal because I never thought I'd find a guy willing to marry me! I was not the type of girl who had been planning/dreaming about the whole thing since I was five. I then had people who had the nerve to ask me if I really wanted to marry DH. What the hell does having an image of a perfect wedding have to do with whether or not I want to marry DH? If I didn't want to marry him I wouldn't have said yes! ![???](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/huh.png)
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on May 20, 2011 11:17:20 GMT -5
...:::"I'd have rather had the cash to do with whatever I wanted as opposed to the "rock." Even better would have been to have both, the rock and the cash. Best yet, all 3. Cash, rock, car!! Triple play!!!!":::...
The above attitude might have negatively affected men's willingness to go above and beyond.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on May 20, 2011 11:19:26 GMT -5
...:::"I'd have rather had the cash to do with whatever I wanted as opposed to the "rock." Even better would have been to have both, the rock and the cash. Best yet, all 3. Cash, rock, car!! Triple play!!!!":::... The above attitude might have negatively affected men's willingness to go above and beyond. I think she was being sarcastic...............
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on May 20, 2011 11:19:32 GMT -5
It was a joke although wife number one got all 3 plus a house when she and her kids were living in her dad's basement by marrying DF.
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Post by illinicheme on May 20, 2011 11:21:26 GMT -5
WWBG. You're not married yet. There's still time to find a woman whose values align with your own.
I didn't take my husband's name. I accepted a proposal that was simply a question asked at home one evening, no fancy dinner, or ring, or anything. Certainly not "perfect" or even romantic. I bought a small diamond solitaire ring with my own money a few months later because it was a good excuse to buy something sparkly. (I mostly wear it and my "real" wedding ring only when dressing up. I wear a very plain white gold band the majority of the time.)
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on May 20, 2011 11:50:19 GMT -5
...:::"I think she was being sarcastic...":::...
Sarcastic does not necessarily mean "untrue" or "inaccurate".
...:::"didn't take my husband's name. I accepted a proposal that was simply a question asked at home one evening, no fancy dinner, or ring, or anything. Certainly not "perfect" or even romantic. I bought a small diamond solitaire ring with my own money...":::...
Yes of course, I know nobody HERE ever does bad things.
It is not that DF's values do not align with mine. I begrudgingly accept us each keeping our own names, even though I'd prefer she took mine. Good compromise leaves everyone equally miserable.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on May 20, 2011 12:04:06 GMT -5
It is not that DF's values do not align with mine. I begrudgingly accept us each keeping our own names, even though I'd prefer she took mine. Good compromise leaves everyone equally miserable.
I don't really believe that. Good compromise should leave everyone a little less happy than they would have been on their own, but not miserable.
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Post by illinicheme on May 20, 2011 12:45:36 GMT -5
...:::"I think she was being sarcastic...":::... Sarcastic does not necessarily mean "untrue" or "inaccurate". ...:::"didn't take my husband's name. I accepted a proposal that was simply a question asked at home one evening, no fancy dinner, or ring, or anything. Certainly not "perfect" or even romantic. I bought a small diamond solitaire ring with my own money...":::... Yes of course, I know nobody HERE ever does bad things. It is not that DF's values do not align with mine. I begrudgingly accept us each keeping our own names, even though I'd prefer she took mine. Good compromise leaves everyone equally miserable. Just saying that there's a path in life other than hitching your wagon to someone who routinely makes you "equally miserable." Those of us HERE are just trying to point that out every time you make sweeping generalizations about the gender you don't like very much most of the time.
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Sum Dum Gai
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Post by Sum Dum Gai on May 20, 2011 12:54:56 GMT -5
I begrudgingly accept us each keeping our own names, even though I'd prefer she took mine. Can I ask why? I mean why you care whether or not you have matching last names, not why you accepted the compromise.
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tcu2003
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Post by tcu2003 on May 20, 2011 12:55:59 GMT -5
How do you indicate it's a 2 word last name instead of 2 middle names without a hyphen? If I'm filling out a form, I just list both names in the last name box. At the bank or other places, it's FirstName MiddleInitial LastName1 LastName2, so it's usually obvious I have a two-word last name. When I was calling my CC company, frequent flier programs, etc., I just always told them I had a two-word last name, so it wasn't a big deal. So far, it hasn't been a major issue.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on May 20, 2011 13:01:10 GMT -5
...:::"I think she was being sarcastic...":::... Sarcastic does not necessarily mean "untrue" or "inaccurate". ...:::"didn't take my husband's name. I accepted a proposal that was simply a question asked at home one evening, no fancy dinner, or ring, or anything. Certainly not "perfect" or even romantic. I bought a small diamond solitaire ring with my own money...":::... Yes of course, I know nobody HERE ever does bad things. It is not that DF's values do not align with mine. I begrudgingly accept us each keeping our own names, even though I'd prefer she took mine. Good compromise leaves everyone equally miserable. Just saying that there's a path in life other than hitching your wagon to someone who routinely makes you "equally miserable." Those of us HERE are just trying to point that out every time you make sweeping generalizations about the gender you don't like very much most of the time. And just because your fiancee is a whackjob, doesn't mean all women are.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on May 20, 2011 13:01:28 GMT -5
Just saying that there's a path in life other than hitching your wagon to someone who routinely makes you "equally miserable." Those of us HERE are just trying to point that out every time you make sweeping generalizations about the gender you don't like very much most of the time.
This is true. You seem to get upset when we tell you that we don't do things the same way as your DF. I understand being frustrated by posts that say things like "my DH and I never fight and I ALWAYS do x for him when he asks and our relationship is perfect" but you seem to take offense to much milder posts when women casually reference the fact that we don't constantly try to manipulate or bargain with our partner.
I know you love DF but I honestly do fear for your relationship with all of the resentment toward her you're carrying around. Hopefully yours is a case where getting it out in an impartial medium like this helps you to not let it bug you as much at home.
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moneymaven
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Post by moneymaven on May 20, 2011 13:08:31 GMT -5
This is true. You seem to get upset when we tell you that we don't do things the same way as your DF. I understand being frustrated by posts that say things like "my DH and I never fight and I ALWAYS do x for him when he asks and our relationship is perfect" but you seem to take offense to much milder posts when women casually reference the fact that we don't constantly try to manipulate or bargain with our partner.
I know you love DF but I honestly do fear for your relationship with all of the resentment toward her you're carrying around. Hopefully yours is a case where getting it out in an impartial medium like this helps you to not let it bug you as much at home. ![](http://us.social.s-msn.com/s/images/emoticons/thumbs_up.gif)
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swamp
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Post by swamp on May 20, 2011 13:10:19 GMT -5
This is true. You seem to get upset when we tell you that we don't do things the same way as your DF. I understand being frustrated by posts that say things like "my DH and I never fight and I ALWAYS do x for him when he asks and our relationship is perfect" but you seem to take offense to much milder posts when women casually reference the fact that we don't constantly try to manipulate or bargain with our partner.
I know you love DF but I honestly do fear for your relationship with all of the resentment toward her you're carrying around. Hopefully yours is a case where getting it out in an impartial medium like this helps you to not let it bug you as much at home. ![](http://us.social.s-msn.com/s/images/emoticons/thumbs_up.gif) I don't manipulate my husband. I bully him. ![;)](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/wink.png) But seriously, not everyone plays head games. I don't have the time or the interest in them. If it matters to me, I say what I want. If I don't care, I go with the flow.
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on May 20, 2011 13:34:09 GMT -5
...:::"I mean why you care whether or not you have matching last names":::...
I could give you my specific reasons, but there has yet to be one reason in this discussion that could not be flipped and used to support the other side.
I made this mistake earlier on, I tried to explain to DF what my reasons were, and everything was pretty much just parroted back to me. While we have good debates sometimes, and that is appealing, it does not help this issue.
So its going to come down to whether one of us relents, or we just choose the "fairest" outcome, which is "no change".
I'd really like to not care. I REALLY would. Not caring would make my life so much easier, and would make everyone else so friggin' happy.
...:::"doesn't mean all women are":::...
I've always said most, not all.
...:::"Hopefully yours is a case where getting it out in an impartial medium like this helps you to not let it bug you as much at home.":::...
Not to mention, much cheaper than therapy.
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on May 20, 2011 13:37:03 GMT -5
...:::"If it matters to me, I say what I want. If I don't care, I go with the flow.":::...
Yes, as I've said several times, this is what I did. Some issues demand this kind of bluntness, and I think this is one of them.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on May 20, 2011 13:38:15 GMT -5
I could give you my specific reasons, but there has yet to be one reason in this discussion that could not be flipped and used to support the other side.I got DH's reasoning and I understood. I didn't like that hehe proceeded to stick his foot in his mouth about me being the girl and it all spiraled down hill. We actually didn't have a civil conversation about it till AFTER we were married. ![:P](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/tongue.png)
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swamp
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Post by swamp on May 20, 2011 13:39:18 GMT -5
...:::"If it matters to me, I say what I want. If I don't care, I go with the flow.":::... Yes, as I've said several times, this is what I did. Some issues demand this kind of bluntness, and I think this is one of them. And that's where we'd disagree. I really don't think having matching names really matters. You don't agree, I'm lucky I found a guy who agreed with me on that issue. Differences in opinion make the world an interesting place.........
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