Firebird
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Post by Firebird on May 23, 2011 14:30:46 GMT -5
Unless she is actually an alcoholic and/or abusive and/or there's more that we aren't being told about, I don't think it's necessarily fair to deny her shared custody based on what we know so far. It's possible for someone to be a lazy partner and a great parent, although unlikely.
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midjd
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Post by midjd on May 23, 2011 14:39:02 GMT -5
I'd consider dropping the kids off at the sitters so she can go drink on the beach on a weekly basis to be lazy parenting... but you're right, we don't know the whole story. Still, it won't hurt CME to be armed with all the evidence he can gather.
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cme1201
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Post by cme1201 on May 23, 2011 14:41:10 GMT -5
She is a great mother, just a horrible person.
Horrible is the wrong word (though it is accurate)
My wife is simply self absorbed, she has a serious what's in it for me mentality.
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on May 23, 2011 14:47:52 GMT -5
...:::"My wife is simply self absorbed, she has a serious what's in it for me mentality.":::...
So just tell her you've figured out an arrangement where she no longer has to deal with babysitting the children, and you won't nag her for money to support the household anymore!
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swamp
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Post by swamp on May 23, 2011 14:50:17 GMT -5
She is a great mother, just a horrible person. Horrible is the wrong word (though it is accurate) My wife is simply self absorbed, she has a serious what's in it for me mentality. People like that seem to have a problem grasping that their kids' needs come first. How does she do it with the kids.
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cme1201
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Post by cme1201 on May 23, 2011 15:03:08 GMT -5
She is a great mother, just a horrible person. Horrible is the wrong word (though it is accurate) My wife is simply self absorbed, she has a serious what's in it for me mentality. People like that seem to have a problem grasping that their kids' needs come first. How does she do it with the kids. They tell her. Since she is off this weekend, sat and sun, I am thinking I just may take the car and have a free weekend, would that be wrong?
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swamp
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Post by swamp on May 23, 2011 15:08:23 GMT -5
People like that seem to have a problem grasping that their kids' needs come first. How does she do it with the kids. They tell her. Since she is off this weekend, sat and sun, I am thinking I just may take the car and have a free weekend, would that be wrong? Hell, no.
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cme1201
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Post by cme1201 on May 23, 2011 15:12:21 GMT -5
No, not considering a trip to Hell.
Was thinking I might go to who the F**K knows, just some me time.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on May 23, 2011 15:17:17 GMT -5
I'd consider dropping the kids off at the sitters so she can go drink on the beach on a weekly basis to be lazy parenting... but you're right, we don't know the whole story. Still, it won't hurt CME to be armed with all the evidence he can gather.
Lazy parenting doesn't necessarily equate to abusive parenting, though. At least not to the point where she should lose access to her kids.
No one gets more pissed off at bad parents than me, but I'm also loathe to say someone "shouldn't" have custody of their own children unless there's a severe issue in play which could hurt the children and that the parent is unwilling to address (i.e., if she's drinking AROUND the kids, or she gets so drunk she can't drive them to school or herself to work, she shouldn't have custody).
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oreo
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Post by oreo on May 23, 2011 16:00:25 GMT -5
I think you should definitely take some time to enjoy some "me" time. You definitely deserve it. It will give you some time to think about your next step. I hope you come up with something really fun to do!
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Gardening Grandma
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Post by Gardening Grandma on May 23, 2011 17:01:49 GMT -5
Yes, that is the definition of insanity after all ![;)](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/wink.png) CME, my only advice is to write EVERYTHING down - times, dates, conversations. Write down each occasion she dumps the kids at the babysitter so she can go out and party, because if I were you, I'd fight for sole custody. Frankly, she doesn't sound like someone with whom I'd entrust the care of young children. Did you receive a written report from the PI? Keep it handy. Also start keeping track of the amount of money she's contributing to the HH and the amount of money she's draining from the HH. Your lawyer will thank you. This is excellent advice, even if you don't go for sole custody... If SHE goes for sole custody, you will need all the documentation you can get.... (When my son filed for divorce, he expected to have shared custody. His ex wanted sole custody. The court got involved, assigned a GAL (Guardian Ad Litem) who investigated thoroughly (about $2000) and recommended sole custody for HIM!)
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moneymaven
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Post by moneymaven on May 23, 2011 17:52:40 GMT -5
CME, my only advice is to write EVERYTHING down - times, dates, conversations. Write down each occasion she dumps the kids at the babysitter so she can go out and party, because if I were you, I'd fight for sole custody. Frankly, she doesn't sound like someone with whom I'd entrust the care of young children. Did you receive a written report from the PI? Keep it handy.
Also start keeping track of the amount of money she's contributing to the HH and the amount of money she's draining from the HH. Your lawyer will thank you
This is excellent advice. Locally, a woman and her husband's divorce was just finalized today. Husband asked Social Services for a welfare check on the house and children. En route, the ex-wife called 911 because she was trying to commit suicide. When asked if there were any children in the house, she said yes, but they're already in heaven. She killed her 6 year old and 9 year old and then tried to kill herself.
I am certainly not saying this would your wife. All I am saying is to trust your instincts and fight like hell for your kids.
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Post by stl76 on May 23, 2011 19:57:40 GMT -5
"Also start keeping track of the amount of money she's contributing to the HH and the amount of money she's draining from the HH. Your lawyer will thank you"
Wouldn't being able to prove that he is paying for everything make it easier on his wife to prove she needs child support?
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Post by Deleted on May 23, 2011 20:08:11 GMT -5
"Also start keeping track of the amount of money she's contributing to the HH and the amount of money she's draining from the HH. Your lawyer will thank you" Wouldn't being able to prove that he is paying for everything make it easier on his wife to prove she needs child support? you don't need to 'prove' a need for child support. It's determined by income and custody.
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Post by stl76 on May 23, 2011 20:11:51 GMT -5
"you don't need to 'prove' a need for child support. It's determined by income and custody. " How about alimony/maintenance?
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Post by Deleted on May 23, 2011 20:33:47 GMT -5
"you don't need to 'prove' a need for child support. It's determined by income and custody. " How about alimony/maintenance? possibly but it sounds like she's capable of getting a job so hopefully alimony won't be awarded
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midjd
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Post by midjd on May 24, 2011 8:04:04 GMT -5
Generally, the only cases in which I've seen alimony awarded are when one spouse is a SAHP, and even then, usually just until they find employment. It sounds like CME's wife is already working and earning a decent wage, so it's pretty doubtful she'd be awarded alimony. Particularly if the financial records show that she's more likely to spend it on herself instead of making a safe home for the kids.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on May 24, 2011 8:17:42 GMT -5
"you don't need to 'prove' a need for child support. It's determined by income and custody. " How about alimony/maintenance? possibly but it sounds like she's capable of getting a job so hopefully alimony won't be awarded She's got a job. And I don't see why he shouldn't go for sole custody if that's what he wants. He may get it, he may not. But why not shoot for the moon? Document everything and present it calmly in court and see what happens. And ltdan has a thread going on getting a divorce, if you haven't seen it yet.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on May 24, 2011 8:22:46 GMT -5
If the parents can sort this out with minimal haggling, it's best for the kids.
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ltdan
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Post by ltdan on May 24, 2011 10:05:08 GMT -5
"And ltdan has a thread going on getting a divorce, if you haven't seen it yet."
To be honest, I've been reading through the post and shaking my head. This forum really helps you open your eyes and face the cold truth.
CME - I've been married less than 1/2 the time and don't have kids. But divorce is still painful. And in some cases it's a necessary evil. We're here for ya brutha!
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shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on May 24, 2011 12:11:21 GMT -5
cme: I am sorry its working out this way for you. Definitely take some time for yourself this weekend. Blow off some steam, rant and rave at the world, do whatever you need to do, and then get your head together and come up with a plan. The smoother a transition you can make it on the kids, the better it will be.
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Gardening Grandma
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Post by Gardening Grandma on May 24, 2011 12:50:23 GMT -5
And I don't see why he shouldn't go for sole custody if that's what he wants. He may get it, he may not. But why not shoot for the moon? Document everything and present it calmly in court and see what happens.
I would not shoot for sole custody unless I genuinely felt that she was an incompetent parent. I can tell you that a custody dispute can get very expensive very quickly. It can also get ugly. It's tough on the kids even when both parents try to avoid denegrating the other to them - they still feel the tension. No matter what, they will love the other parent.
If you can work out something with the stbx, the kids are better off and so is your bank account.
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sheilaincali
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Post by sheilaincali on May 24, 2011 13:57:02 GMT -5
I mentioned that full custody thing in one of my posts as it relates to my brother. He agreed to 50/50 custody but I felt that in my brother's case the kids would have been better off with him full time. But CME's case is different. If she is a fit parent the courts won't deny her custody. Going for 50/50 is probably the best he can realistically get.
I agree with the other posters. Take the weekend to relax and get your head on straight. But go about this all in a responsible manner.
I am not bashing your wife- I obviously don't know her. But divorce can bring out the worst in people. Anything you say and do can and will be used against you. Fully expect every conversation you have with her to be re-told to a judge. Expect every text message and email exchange to be come part of court record. Never swear in front of her, call her names or bad mouth her to the children. Just assume that "big brother" is always watching you until this is all settled. I have seen a lot of divorces that start of amicably go from cordial to police involvement quickly.
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midjd
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Post by midjd on May 24, 2011 14:05:28 GMT -5
Sheila is right on. Which is why I'm so keen on documentation - if STBX says "He told me X, Y, and Z" and you can produce an email that shows you actually told her A, B, and C, you'll be ahead of the game.
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Post by stl76 on May 24, 2011 15:21:45 GMT -5
I dont think you should even try to go for full custody. No matter what you may think of her, she is still their mother. You said she is a great mother (even if she is not very thoughtful). Children should have both parents involved in their lives if the parents are both willing. One parent shouldnt try to get full custody because of some sort of resentment or more money.
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on May 24, 2011 15:46:30 GMT -5
"you don't need to 'prove' a need for child support. It's determined by income and custody. " How about alimony/maintenance? possibly but it sounds like she's capable of getting a job so hopefully alimony won't be awarded That has nothing to do whether or not she'll be given alimony. I promise.
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on May 24, 2011 15:48:20 GMT -5
I dont think you should even try to go for full custody. No matter what you may think of her, she is still their mother. You said she is a great mother (even if she is not very thoughtful). Children should have both parents involved in their lives if the parents are both willing. One parent shouldnt try to get full custody because of some sort of resentment or more money. This is the truth. The children are not a tool that should be used to hurt the other person. The children will know who took care of them and who left them at the babysitters. Do not wrap them up into your feelings about the soon-to-be-ex. It would be a VERY rare court that wouldn't award joint custody. Usually you have to show abuse or neglect - like CPS worthy neglect. I don't think that is the case here even though she may be negligent at times.
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Frugal Nurse
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Post by Frugal Nurse on May 24, 2011 15:50:53 GMT -5
I know I'm late chiming in, but I'm so sorry it has come to divorce. I don't have any experience with divorce and have no advice to offer, but you are in my thoughts, as this must be an awful time in your family right now. I hope that once the storm clears, you are able to come out better off than you were when you started this thread.
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Colleenz
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Post by Colleenz on May 25, 2011 9:30:28 GMT -5
Actually it does. It's called imputed income. In cases where a spouse chooses not to work, or to take a job making much less than they could, the courts can designate what their income should be and use that for both child support and spousal support determination.
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Colleenz
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Post by Colleenz on May 25, 2011 9:31:01 GMT -5
Actually it does. It's called imputed income. In cases where a spouse chooses not to work, or to take a job making much less than they could, the courts can designate what their income should be and use that for both child support and spousal support determination.
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