Angel!
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Post by Angel! on May 18, 2011 14:06:32 GMT -5
A small part of me also wonders how the bestie's husband feels. Does he approve of all the time they spend together? Are HIS needs neglected? Or is he right there with them like those beer commercials where the hot sister scams drinks out of guys for her brother and his friends? Threesomes! OK, Probably not, but all the "she must have a BF" got me thinking. How much time do you & your wife actually spend together? Do you do anything fun as a family or as a couple? Maybe you should try planning time together.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on May 18, 2011 14:07:13 GMT -5
I know drama. I'd be totally nuts not having wheels with the kids
I could handle not having a car if I had to. What would piss me off is that I have to SCHEDULE time with a car THAT I ALSO OWN because my spouse is cavorting 100 miles away to hang out with her BFF, run around getting her nails done and other various "fun" things while me and the kids sit at home.
There is steam coming out of my ears just THINKING about DH pulling a stunt like that on me.
That'd probably be my throwing down of the gaunlet. I'd be taking the car and leaving DH's ass at home for a change.
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cme1201
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Post by cme1201 on May 18, 2011 14:08:14 GMT -5
snarky comment here - do you have life insurance in an adequate amount to support the kids and the wife if you do have a fatal heart attack? Because if you do and she knows it or BELIEVES that you do, she may very well have ulterior motives here. Plus she'd get some kind of SSI for the kids... I don't know you or your wife. But it's an angle that's occurred to me and may very well have occurred to your wife or her BFF. I don't mean to be mean and nasty but DH and I are in the process of dealing with life insurance, etc. so it came to mind... I do, she doesn't know about it and is not the beneficiary. Cars not an issue, I can take the kids to the park or out for ice cream all are with in walking distance of our house. I schedule time for the car on my days off when I want to take the kids to the beach or to the museum. I Schedule it so she knows she has to find her own ride to and from work, someone has to be thoughtful.
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cael
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Post by cael on May 18, 2011 14:36:11 GMT -5
Maybe this has been addressed already but if you're 36 and have been married 14 years, you got married relatively young, right - how old is your wife? Did she not have a chance to really 'grow up' in a financial sense? I know DF and I are 28, and it took him years to get to the point he's at right now with finances, and he still has work to do. We've been together over 9 years so I've seen how he's behaved and managed things since he was 18, and boy has he come a long way. If she's around your age, it's time she grows up & acts like an adult, and hopefully she'll figure it out before she loses her family or worse.
I guess the only thing I have to contribute to this is that DF and I have worked through financial management problems on his end, but nothing to this extent. With him I had to be harsh and a huge bitch at some points, let him make mistakes at other points, and be really frank about things & lay them out for him at other points ("do you really want to end up with your life being like your mother's?!") I think how to deal with this type of thing depends a lot on the personality of who you're dealing with so since I don't know your wife, I don't know what might work for you to make her see the light... good luck!
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on May 18, 2011 14:37:46 GMT -5
When the respect is gone from a relationship, there is no relationship.
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on May 18, 2011 15:21:30 GMT -5
...:::"What would piss me off is that I have to SCHEDULE time with a car THAT I ALSO OWN because my spouse is cavorting 100 miles away to hang out with her BFF, run around getting her nails done and other various "fun" things while me and the kids sit at home.":::...
I agree there aren't many people here who would allow this. We have one car, and while I own it, I've always treated it as "ours".
But lets continue as if a lot of what cme is saying is not as bad as it sounds. Lets pretend "schedule" just means (as he clarified) letting her know when it won't be sitting in the driveway. Or its just a word for they talk out who wants it when. Lets pretend that her insistence on seeing the BFF really is legit and meaningful...
OK actually I don't really know where to go from there. I was going to say that if we pretend their relationship is fine, and that they just have a financial problem, maybe talking things out and her agreeing to take on more of the financial responsibility is going to be enough and everything will be fine.
But I really think that it won't be enough. The wife won't want to change without a fight, and this problem is as much about the dynamic of the relationship as it is about money. She seems more interested in making sure her wants are provided for, and does not care what others have to sacrifice to that end. The OP seems kind of henpecked or browbeaten into just accepting that this is how things are. He even has a bit of guilt (maybe) for scaling down his income.
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cme1201
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Post by cme1201 on May 18, 2011 15:32:48 GMT -5
"He even has a bit of guilt (maybe) for scaling down his income."
Not a bit, I have a lot of guilt. I can admit that.
When you have never really needed to ask for help it's hard to do even help from a spouse. I came looking for ideas which I have gotten and I think you all for that.
Basically as I have been told more than once, grow a spine and lay down the rules.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on May 18, 2011 15:36:42 GMT -5
When you have never really needed to ask for help it's hard to do even help from a spouse
CME, most people do not have spouses who behave like your wife does. It shouldn't matter that you cannot do it all anymore, she should have been on board with you the moment you had a heart attack (two apparently!).
If DH had a heart attack and we had to scale back I'd be jumping on it before he even left the hospital. Would I be thrilled, probably not, but it is what I would do because it is the RIGHT thing to do by my spouse.
He would not need to ask me for help and I sure as hell would not be doing what your wife is doing right now.
ESPECIALLY with children involved. DD needs me and while alone time is very important, going out of town 100 miles every weekend so I can party like a teenager is inexcusable when I am a mother.
My DH can be pretty damn stupid with money somtimes, but in the end DD and I come FIRST. Your wife's behavior clearly indicates that she thinks of herself and only herself.
Hopefully your wife will get on board when you put her feet to the fire, I really do hope for that for the sake of you and the kids.
Just somehow I doubt it. At her age and with everything that has happened if she is STILL behaving in this manner, I don't think sitting her down is going to solve anything.
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on May 18, 2011 15:43:11 GMT -5
...:::"Not a bit, I have a lot of guilt. I can admit that.":::...
Well this answers everything. This is why you don't stop the weekly trips. This is why you've never asked her to cut back. But it also doesn't mean you haven't WANTED her to cut back, you've just felt guilty asking.
...:::"Basically as I have been told more than once, grow a spine and lay down the rules.":::...
It will have to happen eventually, because your situation is not sustainable. Eventually you will either dig a deeper hole over time, have another heart attack, have some kind of one time emergency that pushes things over the edge, or just plain explode when you cannot keep your resent and frustration in any longer.
Nobody likes having to cut back on the fun, so there really is no good way to bring it up. Expect resistance, because she has everything to gain by resisting. If she resists and succeeds, then things stay as she likes them. If she resists but fails, well things had to change anyway. COUNT on it, and be ready to counter it.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on May 18, 2011 16:03:32 GMT -5
CME, did you have the talk with her last night? How did it go?
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on May 18, 2011 16:05:03 GMT -5
snarky comment here - do you have life insurance in an adequate amount to support the kids and the wife if you do have a fatal heart attack? Because if you do and she knows it or BELIEVES that you do, she may very well have ulterior motives here. Plus she'd get some kind of SSI for the kids... I don't know you or your wife. But it's an angle that's occurred to me and may very well have occurred to your wife or her BFF. Oh wow. That's just evil, even if it's only a subconscious motivation ETA: I do, she doesn't know about it and is not the beneficiary.Oh good *whew* Is that legal? I thought the spouse automatically got things like life insurance in the event of a partner's demise.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on May 18, 2011 16:08:21 GMT -5
Maybe this has been addressed already but if you're 36 and have been married 14 years, you got married relatively young, right - how old is your wife? Did she not have a chance to really 'grow up' in a financial sense? I know DF and I are 28, and it took him years to get to the point he's at right now with finances, and he still has work to do. We've been together over 9 years so I've seen how he's behaved and managed things since he was 18, and boy has he come a long way. If she's around your age, it's time she grows up & acts like an adult, and hopefully she'll figure it out before she loses her family or worse.
This is a REALLY good point. DF just turned 28, and I met him when he was 21. The difference between 21-year-old DF and 28-year-old DF is like night and day. (Which is part of the reason we weren't together when we were 21 and 18 - I knew we weren't ready for an adult relationship, we both had a LOT of growing up to do first).
Excellent point.
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Plain Old Petunia
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Post by Plain Old Petunia on May 18, 2011 16:21:17 GMT -5
<< Is that legal? I thought the spouse automatically got things like life insurance in the event of a partner's demise. >>
Yes, it is perfectly legal. Law does not dictate life insurance beneficiaries, you do when you take out your policy. You can also change your beneficiary whenever you wish. I'll bet you are thinking of retirement accounts. If you are married and wish to have a beneficiary other than your spouse on a retirement account, the spouse needs to sign off on that.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on May 18, 2011 16:23:28 GMT -5
I was thinking of 401ks, and assuming it worked the same way with life insurance. I'd think the latter would be more important to a surviving spouse.
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shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on May 18, 2011 16:26:43 GMT -5
I wouldn't get caught up on the "scheduling" of the car. We are currently a one car household. I take the car to and from work. On the nights DH has class, I go to work early so I can leave early to get him the car. But if he ever needs the car duing the work day, we have to schedule it. There has to be a plan to get me to and from work, etc. (Sadly, they changed the bus routes so that public transit is no longer a realistic option.) Since they are a one car household, and she needs the car to get to and from work, yes, they need to schedule (ie have a plan that still gets her to and from work) days when he wants the car. Do I think the OP has the right to use the car? Definitely, just like my DH does. Doesn't change the fact that a plan has to be in place for that to happen. Do I think he should schedule the care more often? Perhaps. But if he's walking distance from most of the places he takes the kids, why would he want to spend the extra gas money driving somewhere?
I still say try treating your wife like an adult and not a willful teenager. If you draw your line in the sand, make sure the desired outcome is "we do this together" NOT "you do what I tell you". I will repeat, once again, she is your wife, not your child. And please know that the reason I advocate this is to increase your chances of having a long and HAPPY (or at least content) marriage. If you have to behave like a parent to your wife, you'll both get sick of it real soon, and it won't matter whether or not you "want" a divorce, it will happen.
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cme1201
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Post by cme1201 on May 18, 2011 16:41:16 GMT -5
CME, did you have the talk with her last night? How did it go? Talk night is tomorrow, 9:30 after kids are in bed. I have most things laid out like I would have for a very difficult customer, visuals for her to see what we are talking about and papers so she can place them in her hands to feel that it is real. I also have a bottle of wine because I think I will need it.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on May 18, 2011 16:43:29 GMT -5
I also have a bottle of wine because I think I will need it.
Er... actually, I'd seriously advise against that. DF's and my worst fights happen when we try to discuss something serious and one or both of us has been drinking.
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on May 18, 2011 16:48:48 GMT -5
Good luck in your conversation!
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Post by stl76 on May 18, 2011 17:20:47 GMT -5
"When you have never really needed to ask for help it's hard to do even help from a spouse. I came looking for ideas which I have gotten and I think you all for that. "
You shouldnt even have to ask. If she cared about you, she would have thought about helping out herself. If my BF, soon to be DH, had a heart attack, i would do my best to keep the stress level down.
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midjd
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Post by midjd on May 18, 2011 17:38:08 GMT -5
CME, good luck tomorrow night - I'm rooting for you! Keep us posted.
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cme1201
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Post by cme1201 on May 18, 2011 17:43:11 GMT -5
CME, good luck tomorrow night - I'm rooting for you! Keep us posted. I will. I will post follow up's this weekend.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on May 19, 2011 8:01:39 GMT -5
snarky comment here - do you have life insurance in an adequate amount to support the kids and the wife if you do have a fatal heart attack? Because if you do and she knows it or BELIEVES that you do, she may very well have ulterior motives here. Plus she'd get some kind of SSI for the kids... I don't know you or your wife. But it's an angle that's occurred to me and may very well have occurred to your wife or her BFF. Oh wow. That's just evil, even if it's only a subconscious motivation ETA: I do, she doesn't know about it and is not the beneficiary.Oh good *whew* Is that legal? I thought the spouse automatically got things like life insurance in the event of a partner's demise. I know, I sometimes have an evil/twisted brain. Life insurance can list a beneficiary for whomever you want it to be. your spouse, your parent, your kids, your dog, your S/O, whomever. It's logical for a spouse to list a spouse or maybe even a business partner to list a business partner but there's no laws requiring you to list anyone or even have life insurance.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on May 19, 2011 8:25:08 GMT -5
It seems like she made a life for herself while you were busy with your career. Then comes your health issues and the "deal" changed. Neither of you are happy with the new "deal." Be prepared for that.
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oreo
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Post by oreo on May 19, 2011 12:38:18 GMT -5
Good luck with the talk, I hope it goes well! I hope we are all underestimating her commitment to the marriage. Just remember that you are in the right here and should not feel guilty about asking for help from your wife. The marriage should be a partnership and you shouldn't feel guilty relying on her to contribute.
As for having to take a lesser job because of your health, you should NOT feel guilty about that . Your income will be $0 if you DIE because you are overworked and stressed out. You need to realize that your health is the most important thing in your life followed closely by family. Having extra money to waste is very far down the list of important things in life. If you feel guilty for picking your health over extra money (and not even money to keep your family from starving or losing your home even), you probably need to see a therapist on your own. You need to have more self-worth than that.
I'm looking forward to the update on this and hope it is positive!
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on May 20, 2011 7:57:41 GMT -5
Its tomorrow! How did it go? Will she be visiting the BFF this weekend?
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CarolinaKat
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Post by CarolinaKat on May 20, 2011 8:18:15 GMT -5
Its tomorrow! How did it go? Will she be visiting the BFF this weekend? LOL WWBG
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on May 21, 2011 6:57:47 GMT -5
I got up early for no update! Guess wifey has already embarked on her 100 mile trip. Gotta maximize away time.
CME, can you recommend a good walking shoe? I've been wanting to try those really thin ones that look like feet and that are supposed to not inhibit the natural movement of a foot.
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shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on May 21, 2011 12:30:42 GMT -5
All right, I'm getting tired of this one misconception someone made and everyone else jumped on:
The wife WORKS weekends. She has two week days off, when the OP is working. They do NOT share days off, meaning that she is most likely not at the BFF's today, but also that he can't really go with her to the BFF's without taking a day off work. This is also why the kids are in daycare when she goes to the BFFs, because he is working.
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leanna
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Post by leanna on May 21, 2011 16:28:35 GMT -5
I've read the thread and am curious as to the outcome of the conversation.
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gailbon
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Post by gailbon on May 21, 2011 21:50:19 GMT -5
You need to think about your children. Your wife is irresponsible and immature, and setting a horrible example for your children. She needs a reality check.
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