cme1201
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Post by cme1201 on May 12, 2011 19:07:40 GMT -5
With much trepidation I walk into the world of Your Money.
I have been married for 14 years this July. I have worked for 11 of those 14 years, 3 I was on disability after falling 4 stories from the tail section of a dc-10, still bringing in money that paid the rent lights and put food on the table.
My wife has worked a total of 3 years out of the 14. 10 mo out of the last 12.
We have a car that is 16 yo, has a small oil leak and 1 worn out tire.
With all of this said, How can I get her to open her eyes regarding helping pay the bills? I can pay them all (which I basically do) which leaves me with about 60 dollars left over at the end of the month, for the first time in 3 years I spent 100 dollars to take the kids ( I have 3 - a 9yo a 7yo and a 5yo) to the beach, every week my wife will drive 100 miles round trip to see her bff from grade school, get her eyebrows waxed every week, by minutes for her prepaid cell phone, get her morning latte, then bemoan the fact that I ask when and how much she intend to put in the bank to cover the bills.
When I explain that putting the miles she does on the car (one of my biggest gripes is the fact that in 14 years of marriage, my wife does the driving and the spending on gas to go see a friend that has come to our home a grand total of 4 times) or the waste of money that she throws away, I get the cold response of it's my money.
3 weeks ago one of the car windows popped off track, wife got paid 360ish, she went and spent the money on her normal things expecting that I am going to fix the window. (I get the car 1 day a week, maybe 2 if I am lucky).
Other than stop paying the bills, can anyone think of a way to slap her awake?
Thank you for letting me Vent.
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achelois
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Post by achelois on May 12, 2011 19:15:24 GMT -5
You have put up with this carp for 14 years. Why would she want to change now
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cme1201
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Post by cme1201 on May 12, 2011 19:19:36 GMT -5
You have put up with this carp for 14 years. Why would she want to change now No I have put up with this crap for the last 2 years. Years ago I was making 85-100k per year depending on commission, I was at work 14-16 hours a day 6 days a week minimum. As long as the bills were paid and I didn't get the where's the money calls I didn't care what she was doing. 3 years ago I had to take a different job, making much much less. I guess I just really needed to vent, and hoped that others may have had a spouse who "found the light" after years of hair pulling.
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oreo
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Post by oreo on May 12, 2011 19:23:37 GMT -5
I'm assuming your goal is to remain married?
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cme1201
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Post by cme1201 on May 12, 2011 19:26:14 GMT -5
I'm assuming your goal is to remain married? Yes, unless you know a real good real cheap divorce lawyer. I love my wife, i respect the vows that I took on that unbelievably hot July day 14 years ago, for better or worse. I am just at a point where I don't think I like her. I see we, she sees me.
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oreo
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Post by oreo on May 12, 2011 19:34:39 GMT -5
That is a tough situation. Other than explaining what you told us to her, if she basically just laughs in your face, I'm not sure there is much you can do if you want to stay with her. If she can't understand how you feel that deserve to spend some of the money you earn on yourself just as she does on herself, then I'm not sure what you do. Others here will tell you to go to therapy. Maybe that would work? I don't know.
If you don't drive the car and you aren't expecting much rain, I probably would have let the window stay broken (do you park the car in a garage? If not, I guess you probably can't do that). I mean, if you don't drive the car anyway, what motivation do you have to spend your money to fix it (your wife probably takes your kids places in it, right?)
If you stop paying the bills it will affect your credit too so that probably isn't a good plan.
Hopefully someone else will have better insight.
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midjd
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Post by midjd on May 12, 2011 19:35:57 GMT -5
Hardly anyone "finds the light" unless their feet are put to the fire (sorry for the mixed metaphors). She has to be made uncomfortable before she will be willing to change. There are so many posts on YM from the party doing the financial juggling while the other party whistles obliviously in the background. She has to realize that if she does X, she won't be able to afford to do Y and Z. Maybe figure out what kind of contribution you need from her to keep the finances running smoothly, and tell her whatever is left over is hers to spend? If you can't get her on board with something on that... well, you can either live with it or divorce her, but not everyone is willing to change.
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busymom
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Post by busymom on May 12, 2011 19:36:15 GMT -5
We had a similar thread awhile back. I'll try & mention some recommendations people made to get her "on board" financially. You may need to sit her down, and as nicely as you can, explain that circumstances have changed since the days you made 85-100K per year. Her paycheck is not just "fun money" for her, it is needed to help run your household. You may need to show her a breakdown on paper of where your money goes every month (some people are visual learners!) ex. Mortgage $900 Electric $100 etc. After a sit-down meeting, if she still wants to do everything her way, and doesn't want to try & help your situation, some folks have suggested couples attend one of the Dave Ramsey classes together (he strongly encourages couples work together--I've only read a couple of his books.) I'm sure other posters can give other suggestions. You ARE free to vent here anytime! ![;)](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/wink.png)
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ruger2506
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Post by ruger2506 on May 12, 2011 19:38:21 GMT -5
With much trepidation I walk into the world of Your Money. I have been married for 14 years this July. I have worked for 11 of those 14 years, 3 I was on disability after falling 4 stories from the tail section of a dc-10, still bringing in money that paid the rent lights and put food on the table. My wife has worked a total of 3 years out of the 14. 10 mo out of the last 12. We have a car that is 16 yo, has a small oil leak and 1 worn out tire. With all of this said, How can I get her to open her eyes regarding helping pay the bills? I can pay them all (which I basically do) which leaves me with about 60 dollars left over at the end of the month, for the first time in 3 years I spent 100 dollars to take the kids ( I have 3 - a 9yo a 7yo and a 5yo) to the beach, every week my wife will drive 100 miles round trip to see her bff from grade school, get her eyebrows waxed every week, by minutes for her prepaid cell phone, get her morning latte, then bemoan the fact that I ask when and how much she intend to put in the bank to cover the bills. When I explain that putting the miles she does on the car (one of my biggest gripes is the fact that in 14 years of marriage, my wife does the driving and the spending on gas to go see a friend that has come to our home a grand total of 4 times) or the waste of money that she throws away, I get the cold response of it's my money. 3 weeks ago one of the car windows popped off track, wife got paid 360ish, she went and spent the money on her normal things expecting that I am going to fix the window. (I get the car 1 day a week, maybe 2 if I am lucky). Other than stop paying the bills, can anyone think of a way to slap her awake? Thank you for letting me Vent. Golden rule. He who has the gold makes the rules. Cut her off if she's not receptive to helping out (both cutting back on spending and getting a JOB). Revoke all credit from her so she can't drag you down. Pull all the cash out of the joint accounts and put in a personal account. Not sure why you put up with BS like that for so long.
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achelois
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Post by achelois on May 12, 2011 19:40:01 GMT -5
You changed three years ago, then. SHE didn't.
She has seen "me" for the past 14 years. You just didn't realize it. She didn't get this way overnight.
Good luck. You will need it. I had one like this for eight years who kept promising he would change. He didn't, of course, have any intention of changing--he would just say whatever he thought would shut me up for a while.
I got tired of it eventually, especially after getting a good swift kick in the patootie here at YM. :-)
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cme1201
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Post by cme1201 on May 12, 2011 20:50:04 GMT -5
We had a similar thread awhile back. I'll try & mention some recommendations people made to get her "on board" financially. You may need to sit her down, and as nicely as you can, explain that circumstances have changed since the days you made 85-100K per year. Her paycheck is not just "fun money" for her, it is needed to help run your household. You may need to show her a breakdown on paper of where your money goes every month (some people are visual learners!) ex. Mortgage $900 Electric $100 etc. After a sit-down meeting, if she still wants to do everything her way, and doesn't want to try & help your situation, some folks have suggested couples attend one of the Dave Ramsey classes together (he strongly encourages couples work together--I've only read a couple of his books.) I'm sure other posters can give other suggestions. You ARE free to vent here anytime! ![;)](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/wink.png) I looked through the first 10 or so pages before i posted to see if I could find anything similar. Thank you for that friendly welcome busymom, good to know I can vent here. ![:)](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/smiley.png)
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 12, 2011 21:04:10 GMT -5
Simple: you need to wake her up. Anything that is not under your name or you don't benefit from, you don't pay it.
If she wants to play that game where her paycheck is hers to blow as she wants, you can play it to.
Quite simple. If you don't watch much tv, cut the cable. Don't put gas in the car and don't get it fix. Don't pay her credit cards, her living expenses or any of the things she likes when you do the groceries. If she likes it so much she can get it with her own darn money.
Also expect not to get any fun time during her time of transition/acceptance so plan for alot of cold shower or self pleasure.
But you also have to take the blame in this, you let this situation go on for too long.
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cme1201
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Post by cme1201 on May 12, 2011 21:29:08 GMT -5
Simple: you need to wake her up. Anything that is not under your name or you don't benefit from, you don't pay it. If she wants to play that game where her paycheck is hers to blow as she wants, you can play it to. Quite simple. If you don't watch much tv, cut the cable. Don't put gas in the car and don't get it fix. Don't pay her credit cards, her living expenses or any of the things she likes when you do the groceries. If she likes it so much she can get it with her own darn money. Also expect not to get any fun time during her time of transition/acceptance so plan for alot of cold shower or self pleasure. But you also have to take the blame in this, you let this situation go on for too long. Lots of this I wish i could do unfortunately I do have 3 young children, gas has to be in the car to at least take them to school. (I put roughly 10gall in the tank when I get it friday, thats it. we only have 1 car) We have no credit cards, a mortgage, lights, cable (so the kids can watch 4 shows (1 1/2 hours a day), gas/water, a new bedroom set (stole it 699.00 for 9 piece set 12 months same as cash paying out from money set aside for purchase) and thats it. It really has nothing to do with the money but, more to do with the lack of .................. respect, understanding, caring? I really don't know what to call it, just an overall apathy to pitching in.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 12, 2011 21:35:36 GMT -5
Have you tried asking nicely? ![:P](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/tongue.png)
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cme1201
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Post by cme1201 on May 12, 2011 21:46:38 GMT -5
lol
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 12, 2011 21:50:21 GMT -5
I am thinking she is a good mother right? So she wouldn't not go without putting gas in the car right? Or leave the kids without food right? Or without cable?
So gas for the car, groceries for the house and cable might fall under her responsibilities. And if that means cable get cut once or twice, or car runs out of gas... so be it. She will get the picture eventually
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Havoc
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Post by Havoc on May 12, 2011 22:49:24 GMT -5
You changed three years ago, then. SHE didn't. She has seen "me" for the past 14 years. You just didn't realize it. She didn't get this way overnight. Based on what you have posted, I would bet achelois has it right.... your Other Half never got off the page from when you were bringing in big bucks, and you either didn't notice or, due to your higher income at the time, never had reason to care about her habits until you hit hard times - and she didn't. I went through something similar to this early on in my marriage. My wife and I were both working at the time, and I was in a job that required massive amounts of OT. As my paychecks got bigger and I started to get sizable bonus checks, she started scaling back in her own work... first getting rid of her call (she is a nurse), then scaling back her hours to 32, the minimum required to be FT... and then with her free time, started racking up some bills with no thought of how they would be paid. We definitely were on different pages at the time, and after some frustrating episodes we worked through it. I think a big part of it was financial education - she never really paid attention to family microfinance, and since I took care of paying the bills/balancing the checkbook she was disconnected from the process. Now, years later, she is probably more cost-conscious than I am... so there is hope! Good luck to you.
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on May 12, 2011 23:04:50 GMT -5
I feel bad for you (well, kind of), but I will NEVER understand these kind of posts. Are you afraid of her? Are you a child and she is an adult who sets up all the rules?? I guess the only question I always want to ask posters like you is - what is so hard in talking to your spouse?? Bc when you cut out all the noise, you both either in this thing together or you are not. If each of you or one of you just doing what she/he wants, then you don't have a marriage. You have a roommate with sex benefits.
My marriage is not perfect and we fight and sometimes about money, but I can not imagine being with someone who has so little regard and respect for me that he doesn't give a crap about how his actions affect me and the entire family.
I can't tell you what to do, but I can tell you what "I" would do - I wouldn't tolerate it.
And not to be too cynical, but are you SURE??? that she is visiting her friend and not someone else?? I've had and known a lot of really good friends, but driving 100 miles every single week..... I don't know....... I would be suspicious.
Lena
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Gardening Grandma
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Post by Gardening Grandma on May 12, 2011 23:11:43 GMT -5
cme You've come to the right place. This IS a safe place to vent. You will get assorted advice. My suggestion is to take what is useful and ignore the rest....
Have you tried sitting her down and having a heart to heart talk explaining how you feel?
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schildi
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Post by schildi on May 13, 2011 0:43:24 GMT -5
cme, not much I can add right now, except: good luck, and I mean it.
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cme1201
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Post by cme1201 on May 13, 2011 5:32:26 GMT -5
I feel bad for you (well, kind of), but I will NEVER understand these kind of posts. Are you afraid of her? Are you a child and she is an adult who sets up all the rules?? I guess the only question I always want to ask posters like you is - what is so hard in talking to your spouse?? Bc when you cut out all the noise, you both either in this thing together or you are not. If each of you or one of you just doing what she/he wants, then you don't have a marriage. You have a roommate with sex benefits. My marriage is not perfect and we fight and sometimes about money, but I can not imagine being with someone who has so little regard and respect for me that he doesn't give a crap about how his actions affect me and the entire family. I can't tell you what to do, but I can tell you what "I" would do - I wouldn't tolerate it. And not to be too cynical, but are you SURE??? that she is visiting her friend and not someone else?? I've had and known a lot of really good friends, but driving 100 miles every single week..... I don't know....... I would be suspicious. Lena Lena, I can appreciate your post, the thing is I have tried talking. Many many times, am I afraid of her no, am i afraid of the court system, yeah, a part time father is not something that I want to be. I i stated in my OP, I have had talks with her trying to get her to understand that a want (going to her friends house) wasting 25$ in gas and hours of the day is not as important as say using that time/money getting a new tire to replace that bald one. (just an example)
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Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on May 13, 2011 5:41:43 GMT -5
So right now, you're on disability (or whatever workman's comp you get from the job) and she's working? Does this mean that you're spending all day with the kids while she's at work? Does she have the car most days of the week because she's going to work?
While I don't disagree that she needs to be helping to pay the bills, there is something else going on here and it's hard to put my finger on it.
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cme1201
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Post by cme1201 on May 13, 2011 6:22:30 GMT -5
So right now, you're on disability (or whatever workman's comp you get from the job) and she's working? Does this mean that you're spending all day with the kids while she's at work? Does she have the car most days of the week because she's going to work? While I don't disagree that she needs to be helping to pay the bills, there is something else going on here and it's hard to put my finger on it. No I am not on disability, that was way earlier in our marriage. I work less than 1/2 mile from home so I walk daily. I'm home with the children after work (in at 7am out at 4pm) and weekends, she works has the car on the days she works and on her days off, her days off are weekdays, mon-tues or tues-wens, last week as an example, I was rushed on a project we were bidding so I didn't get off work on wens until 7pm, wife was at the river with her bff while the kids were at the babbysitter, requireing that we pay an extra 75 dollars in daycare for the 3 hours late care.
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Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on May 13, 2011 6:29:08 GMT -5
Thanks for explaining, that makes a little more sense. It also makes sense why she drives the car more, since she needs to drive to work and you don't. But that does not negate the fact that she needs to help pay for the upkeep of her transportation too.
Do you not like her bff? I get that vibe from you from your posts. If the bff feels it too, it may be the reason why her visits to your wife are so few.
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cme1201
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Post by cme1201 on May 13, 2011 6:34:46 GMT -5
Thanks for explaining, that makes a little more sense. It also makes sense why she drives the car more, since she needs to drive to work and you don't. But that does not negate the fact that she needs to help pay for the upkeep of her transportation too. Do you not like her bff? I get that vibe from you from your posts. If the bff feels it too, it may be the reason why her visits to your wife are so few. I have no problem with her bff and I get along well with her husband, my biggest complaint has been the same for years, 1 does 1 does not. We have 1 car that is old, they have since we have known them had at least 2 vehicles, so I feel a little reciprocation in the driving would be fair.
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happyscooter
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Post by happyscooter on May 13, 2011 6:36:52 GMT -5
The kids will suffer, no matter what the solution is.
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happyscooter
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Post by happyscooter on May 13, 2011 6:46:02 GMT -5
I can tell you what happened one time with us. DH and I both worked full time. Had a really high mortgage (think 1980s), car payment, daycare (1/2 my paycheck), among other bills. Sometimes, DH would take money out of the bank to go out to eat or go shopping. Even after I would tell him, don't do it, we are going to be cutting it close this month. When we got behind on something, the bill collectors always called me at work. DH didn't have a desk job, they couldn't reach him. When I finally was able to quit FT and work PT to be home with the kids after school and summers, the bill collectors must have called my old work place one day. Apparently they were told that I didn't work there anymore. So they tried DH at work, where his boss had to take a message for him. Just the company name and phone number, but it was a giveaway as to why they were calling. When DH walked in the house that night, he was in disbelief that a bill collector had called him at work and did I realize how embarrassing that was? 'Um, yes I do', I said. 'Remember all those times you were spending money and I told you not to. They were calling me at work. Yes, I know how embarrassing it is." It finally hit home with him. Let your wife figure out how to juggle the bills for a change.
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Post by stl76 on May 13, 2011 8:00:56 GMT -5
"Lots of this I wish i could do unfortunately I do have 3 young children"
You have been married for 14 years and your kids are young so I am guessing they are kids with your wife, correct? In that case, SHE has 3 young kids as well. She needs to stop being so selfish and self-absorbed and see the reality of the situation.
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on May 13, 2011 8:28:41 GMT -5
Cme,
If you want to vent, by all means, this is the place to do it. But as far as what you should or can do, only you can answer that. Like I said, it wouldn't even be the money part that would bother me the most, it would be complete disregard for the spouse's concern.
I don't know your wife and what kind of things she responds to. Some people respond to ultimatums, some people respond to "talking", some people (like in Happyscooter's case) respond to actually having to deal with the problem themselves before they saw the light, etc etc. I hope you find that thing that your wife responds to, bc things like this don't usually get better on their own.
I hope you guys can work it out, bc I am a very big advocate for dealing with things IN the marriage and not just getting divorce.
Good luck to you
Lena
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Regis
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Post by Regis on May 13, 2011 8:29:25 GMT -5
"I i stated in my OP, I have had talks with her trying to get her to understand that a want (going to her friends house) wasting 25$ in gas and hours of the day is not as important as say using that time/money getting a new tire to replace that bald one. (just an example) "
"I have no problem with her bff and I get along well with her husband, my biggest complaint has been the same for years, 1 does 1 does not. We have 1 car that is old, they have since we have known them had at least 2 vehicles, so I feel a little reciprocation in the driving would be fair."
It seems that you need to work out what your priorities are as a husband and wife. Obviously, her friend is more important than the bald tire in her mind. And she values the friendship enough with her bff to overcome the fact that the driving to make the relationship work is unbalanced. You just need to work together and communicate to negotiate so that each of you gets a little of what you both want/need. There's no question it's going to take work from both of you to make it work.
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