raeoflyte
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Joined: Feb 3, 2011 15:43:53 GMT -5
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Post by raeoflyte on May 13, 2011 16:29:38 GMT -5
My new approach with my DH is to ask him, 'What are YOU going to do about that?'Instead of 'WE' which ends up being me, and letting him deal with the consequences.
I have been the 'fixer/mom' in my relationship for a long time and am working on getting out of it. My recent experience: DH had jury duty this week on his normal day to take care of ds that he new about 2 weeks in advance. I won't post a novel about the details, but he didn't even try to set up babysitting until the night before. His limited efforts failed, so he had to take ds to the court daycare. DS has never been in daycare, and the whole experience was a colossal fail. DH feels awful about it because he could have easily prevented it.
I could have stepped in the night before and fixed things, however I decided to let DH feel the pain a little bit. I'm sorry that it ended up costing my son too, but it was only 4 hours so I doubt he's scarred for life.
I get not wanting to affect you and your daughter. But when it comes to the gifts I think you did the right thing and should keep that up. When there isn't money for gifts, ask him what HE is going to do about it? He gets a say in how the money is spent, so maybe that will encourage him to take an active role in the budgetting instead of just nodding and running away.
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on May 16, 2011 10:21:54 GMT -5
...:::"I have a surprise 40th I was invited to this weekend and I am seriously thinking about not going (even though I would like to see everyone there), because I just don't know if I can purchase another gift this month on top of a large Mother's Day BBQ, Mother's Day gifts, the wedding and all of our regular expenses.":::...
The flip side of skipping out though is what I am feeling and regretting right now. I have missed a LOT of events that I really wanted to be at, because I figured that it was the financially responsible thing to do. Now, as I prepare to make my wedding invite list, I anticipate a lot of people telling me to shove it, or just outright declining.
I too have a larger family, and I see many more weddings in the future, which means the possibility of a lot of "obligated invites". Now it is really easy for anyone to sit back and say "well, just don't go". That is all well and good until it is YOUR circles and you have to map out which weddings you can safely decline before you risk being outright blackballed from the others.
And sure, I think most people understand intellectually that money is finite, but in "understanding" that, they also hope you will still come to THEIR wedding and decline someone else's.
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on May 16, 2011 10:33:56 GMT -5
...:::"It's very hard to say "hey we only have x coming in in the next 2 months so let's sit down and figure out what we're going to spend it on" At this point we don't know what's coming in and if we're only counting on my income then we're not going to have enough to cover the bills.":::...
It is your THINKING, not your budget, that is causing you these problems. I see the above as a golden opportunity, whereas you see it as a chance to make excuses. You need to turn a perceived handicap into a strength.
You CAN count on your income, and you know it isn't enough. The focus of your conversations should absolutely be how to make it work on just your income, and without drawing from savings. I say this because then you are starting from the absolute worst it can be, and if he does bring in any money, things will get better.
But if you just continue to say "well it could be <x> or it could be <y> so we'll just see what happens" then of course nothing will change.
...:::"When DH gets back from the wedding, I am going to have a talk with him about this.":::...
I'm going to beg you not to ambush him with this the moment (or a day or two after) he walks in the door. I guarantee all that will happen is he will see you as pouncing, and lecturing, and he will say whatever he has to say to get you out of his face, but will never actually follow through on it.
As you said, other trips are coming up. That will be an opportunity. But you guys also have a communication problem. You expect him to think the way you do, and he doesn't. Make sure that the focus of your conversations stay on the topic of the problems. If your conversation turns into "why you are right and he is wrong", then you are wasting your breath and your time.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Joined: Dec 20, 2010 14:26:32 GMT -5
Posts: 47,490
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on May 16, 2011 10:35:38 GMT -5
I too have a larger family, and I see many more weddings in the future, which means the possibility of a lot of "obligated invites". Now it is really easy for anyone to sit back and say "well, just don't go". That is all well and good until it is YOUR circles and you have to map out which weddings you can safely decline before you risk being outright blackballed from the others.
And sure, I think most people understand intellectually that money is finite, but in "understanding" that, they also hope you will still come to THEIR wedding and decline someone else's. True, we just had this fight over a graduation party because we don't have money for a card and DH had a fit because it is "what his family does". Apparently his mother has been doing it FOR us because I just recieved a thank you note for money "we" sent to someone's wedding. I don't even remember getting an invite! ![:o](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/shocked.png)
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on May 16, 2011 10:54:15 GMT -5
...:::"Apparently his mother has been doing it FOR us because I just recieved a thank you note for money "we" sent to someone's wedding. I don't even remember getting an invite!":::...
Hmmmm.... what do you do in that situation? Do you kiss her or kick her? Perhaps you kiss her WHILE kicking her?
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NomoreDramaQ1015
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 14:26:32 GMT -5
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on May 16, 2011 10:56:24 GMT -5
Hmmmm.... what do you do in that situation? Do you kiss her or kick her? Perhaps you kiss her WHILE kicking her? I let it go because it isn't worth it. If she doesn't do it she is calling us on the phone wanting us to do it. Last year was when DH had to put his foot down because she wanted us to send money to every kid she got a graduation annoucement for. So apparently all this time she has now been sending cards/money in OUR names as well as hers. It's just interesting sometimes to get thank you notes and wonder "What the heck?" ![:P](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/tongue.png)
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