Sum Dum Gai
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Post by Sum Dum Gai on May 12, 2011 14:59:13 GMT -5
I was being facetious actually, I'm pretty sure his family is probably pretty decent, which means if they have to skip a few family gatherings for financial reasons it's probably not a big deal. I don't know for sure obviously, but my guess is, the pressure to show up and give gifts comes as much from her DH not wanting to admit his circumstances have changed as it does from actual pressure from the extended family. I could be wrong of course, Loop says I am constantly.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 12, 2011 14:58:34 GMT -5
The family is all loving and close, but if you don't get cousin Timmy a birthday present they'll treat you like crap. Yeah, that sounds like the kind of people I'd want to spend every weekend around for the rest of my life.
my thoughts exactly. I don't have time for people who are that petty and shallow, I don't care WHAT relation they are to me.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on May 12, 2011 15:01:50 GMT -5
He said that my family really didn't have any of traditions (true, we just sort of got together and ate turkey) and that if I wanted to add something I could, but it was super important to everyone that everything be just so
OMG, I had a similar conversation with DH years ago and told him he'd be going alone to his family functions if he didn't sit down with me and find a compromise.
I get that his family is important to him, but you really need to stress that there are some extenuating circumstances this year. I get that you don't want to deal with how the inlaws think of you but you really should bite the bullet this year and put your foot down.
Your sanity and your wallet will thank you. If they are the type to hold grudges because you attend 18 out of 20 birthday parties and don't have a particular type of mint at your thanksgiving dinner then why bother? Doesn't sound like ANYTHING you do will please them.
Better to look out for numero uno than those kind of people.
I think I might kiss my MIL tonight. She can be a PITA but at least she is an understanding PITA.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on May 12, 2011 15:04:03 GMT -5
He said that my family really didn't have any of traditions (true, we just sort of got together and ate turkey) and that if I wanted to add something I could, but it was super important to everyone that everything be just soOMG, I had a similar conversation with DH years ago and told him he'd be going alone to his family functions if he didn't sit down with me and find a compromise. I get that his family is important to him, but you really need to stress that there are some extenuating circumstances this year. I get that you don't want to deal with how the inlaws think of you but you really should bite the bullet this year and put your foot down. Your sanity and your wallet will thank you. If they are the type to hold grudges because you attend 18 out of 20 birthday parties and don't have a particular type of mint at your thanksgiving dinner then why bother? Doesn't sound like ANYTHING you do will please them. Better to look out for numero uno than those kind of people. I think I might kiss my MIL tonight. She can be a PITA but at least she is an understanding PITA. I know Drama. My ILs watch the kids for us on Thursdays and I think they get hugs tonight too.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 12, 2011 15:04:15 GMT -5
why should I care about people who are more concerned about quantity than quality? I told DH that I will not be skipping every holiday with my family to spend it with his just because they pout and throw fits. We are adults and I have a family that I'd like to see as well. Besides, they all live in the next freakin' town over!
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trytofindbalance
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Post by trytofindbalance on May 12, 2011 15:06:08 GMT -5
"I could be wrong of course, Loop says I am constantly" ![:P](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/tongue.png) - very cute, made me smile DH's family are great people. They want as at the events because it is important for them that family get together and spend time together and celebrate important events and milestones together. They're not in it for the gift...believe me, but it's a b-day party and a gift of some sort is expected. I agree with you that DH has his heart in the right place and he wants to give really great gifts to people, because he loves to make them happy. That being said, he needs to realized that he's a hero to those kids no matter what...they are crazy about him. I agree that part of this is he feels that he's expected to give really nice gifts because he always has. I say it's not true, we can get something nice and thoughtful but less expensive. The kids certainly don't know or care what you spend.
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NastyWoman
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Post by NastyWoman on May 12, 2011 15:06:26 GMT -5
Having moved 2000 miles away from all our family, this is come up a lot with my wife and I. We started drawing the line a number of years ago and stick to it. Family knows we will come visit a MAXIMUM of once a year, but more likely every other year. That's it. Most of them are retired and we have a spare bedroom. Right. And sometimes family needs to be flexible too. Years ago, XH and I lived in the Far East. We came home on vacation for a few weeks every year. Very busy weeks I may say: almost every family celebration was held in those weeks and we have HUGE families. Evryone just got to decide for themselves what was more important: the exact date of B'day/ anniverary/ whatever or our precense. So it is not all on you. As I said we missed very few celebrations. ![:)](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/smiley.png)
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on May 12, 2011 15:07:06 GMT -5
We all live with the exception of my BIL and grandparents within 15 minutes of each other, my parents are across the street!
DH said that if his BIL was ticked that we couldn't make it it was his own fault for not taking my MIL up on having Christmas at her house which was closer. You want to have Christmas at your house, don't live in the boonies during record blizzard conditions.
They want as at the events because it is important for them that family get together and spend time together and celebrate important events and milestones together
Again, you have extenuating circumstances. It isn't like you just don't FEEL like it. 99.9% of people will understand that if you are trying to get a new business off the ground you might not be able to make it to every single family function that year.
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trytofindbalance
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Post by trytofindbalance on May 12, 2011 15:10:53 GMT -5
I just think they're all riding the crazy train when it comes to sticking to things "just because that's how we've always done it" Funny thing, most of them were looking for or made comments about those damn mints on Thanksgiving. Change is very hard for them. My one SIL is a little more grounded then the others and she gets it, but everyone else is like "better get out Great Grandma's gravy recipe or Christmas won't be complete without it".
Sometimes I think they forget that the two chicks who married into this family, have their own way of doing things. But it's not meant with malicious....they're not mean people, just stuck in their ways.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 12, 2011 15:15:15 GMT -5
OP, your ILs sound an awful lot like my ILs. But they've gotten more flexible with the fact that not everyone will be able to attend every event. The youngest grandchild is 15, so everyone has their own work/church/school/family obligations.
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emma1420
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Post by emma1420 on May 12, 2011 15:16:05 GMT -5
It would be very difficult not to attend a party without a really good reason, people would be very, very disappointed and we would hear about it. Also DH wants to attend these events, this is his family and he is very close to them. I think that you can't be held emotionally hostage by family members. You can afford what you can afford (be that financially, with your time, or emotionally). It's great that DH wants to attend these events, but can you limit him to a certain amount of money and a certain amount of time? And do the same for your family? It will feel crummy and your extended family may make you feel bad at first. But, eventually they will get used to the new normal.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on May 12, 2011 15:16:35 GMT -5
DH's family has their way of doing things too, but if it conflits like it did in 2009 we don't bend over backwards killing ourselves to meet it.
At one point in time DH would have and if I had not been pregnant he still might have tried to get us out to his brother's house, but there were EXTENUATING circumstances that year and his brother refused to make accomodations for anyone (my MIL was concerned about getting out there too) because we ALWAYS have Christmas at his house now.
Well it ended up that quite a few people couldn't get to his house because of the weather. That's the consequences of wanting to be stuck in your ways about some things.
You are starting a business, you don't have a lot of money. They can still do things the way they want to do them, but it might mean you can't attend every single function this year. What are you so afraid of if you DON'T attend? Have they given you any indication like Dark said taht ify ou don't show up and bring a present from Timmy fire will rain down from the skies on top of you?
Or is it your DH doesn't want to admit things have changed this year and you might have to make some sacrifices when it comes to family events and you don't want to disappoint him so you are bending over backwards to try to make it fit into the budget?
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Sum Dum Gai
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Post by Sum Dum Gai on May 12, 2011 15:16:40 GMT -5
DH's family are great people. They want as at the events because it is important for them that family get together and spend time together and celebrate important events and milestones together. Which means this year DH might have to talk to them and explain that his gift giving will be very limited due to the recession affecting his business and getting a new one off the ground. They'll understand. Either that, or he can explain that he might have to miss certain functions. They'll understand, or they'll make other arrangements, like holding the events pot luck style at your house. If the family is actually worth spending that much time with, they'll figure out a way to include you guys without putting too much financial pressure on you.
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sil
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Post by sil on May 12, 2011 15:19:08 GMT -5
One year, everyone got gift cards from my BIL that weren't activated. The idiot didnt realize that if you steal gift cards from the grocery store, they are worthless.
I shouldn't laugh because that's so wrong and I doubt it was funny to you guys, but your sarcasm makes me laugh.
************************************************************************************************* Not at all DQ - I almost peed my pants from laughter when I realized that it wasnt a mistake and that EVERYONE's gift cards were inactive. At the time, I didn't know all of the history with BIL. He escalated his own problems again recently so we dont talk to BIL anymore (no surprise) Now Im just waiting to see when he appears on "World's Dumbest Crooks"
But the whole situation is breaking DH's heart. Families can really suck sometimes.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on May 12, 2011 15:20:36 GMT -5
Aww, I feel bad for your husband, sil. That's got to be really embarassing and hard to watch. I know I'd want to sink into the floor and die if my brother did something like that.
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NastyWoman
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Post by NastyWoman on May 12, 2011 15:26:04 GMT -5
Your post reminded me of Thanksgiving this year. We hosted at our house. My MIL did most of the cooking (she is an incredible cook and it was a great help). I ended up in tears on Thanksgiving morning because I felt very overwhelmed that every single thing had to be just so and we had to make sure that all of the family traditions were there, down to some stupid mints that we had to have and I had never heard of and couldn't find.. And this is just plain wrong. My rule has always been, your house your traditions, my house my traditions. And if that means that you don't get your mints, feel free to bring them. I am quite flexible and try to please people, but I am not a doormat!
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sil
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Post by sil on May 12, 2011 15:32:12 GMT -5
Thanks DQ ![:)](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/smiley.png)
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Post by stl76 on May 12, 2011 15:42:09 GMT -5
"Snerdly I actually couldn't agree with you more under normal circumstances, but as my mother always said "you can't dance at every wedding". "
I didnt read all the posts yet but you are wrong with applying your mother's saying to your current situation. This is not "every" wedding, this is the wedding of someone close to your DH, AND you cannot compare this to your cousin's wedding (who you obviously aren't close with). This may not be your priority but this is important to your DH. Plus it sounds like the only reason you resent this is not because you really cant afford it, it is because you would rather do something else with the money. Kind of selfish thinking if you ask me.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on May 12, 2011 15:47:48 GMT -5
Isn't it funny how someone who brings very little to the table always has the most wants?
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Sum Dum Gai
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Post by Sum Dum Gai on May 12, 2011 15:50:29 GMT -5
Kind of selfish thinking if you ask me. What the frak? Her husband is going to 20 birthdays just this summer, spending money for a present for every single one, while she juggles bills because he's not contributing much income, and you accuse her of being selfish? Seriously? Look, I get that it's family, and that makes it a bit different, but still. It's not like she's asking him to not see them all year, she's potentially asking him not to spend every weekend for three straight months with them while they're financially struggling. It doesn't sound like a totally unreasonable request to me.
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trytofindbalance
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Post by trytofindbalance on May 12, 2011 15:51:33 GMT -5
Hi stl76 - Right now we have very limited resources, due to DH's work situation. I had to do some very impressive juggling to pay the mortgage and the car payment this past week. DH knew the wedding was coming up, he bought his plane ticket two months ago and unfortunately he has not been able to bring in the money to help cover bills and the wedding expenses. That is what the issue is, along with the fact that I am feeling a lot of pressure to attend a lot of expensive events and our financial situation has changed, so I am stressed.
This wedding is for DH's cousin, who lives in another state. They were close when they were young kids (DH is about 13 years older then him) but then they moved 2000 miles away. I was just as close to my cousin when we were kids. As adults we live on different coasts. We are not that close, but clearly acknowledge that we are first cousins and enjoy each other's company when the opportunity to see each other arises.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on May 12, 2011 15:54:04 GMT -5
Dark, she said she hasn't read all the posts. I'm going to assume she missed the part where they have a gazillion gift giving events to go to this year and DH not only wants to go but bring pricey gifts to boot because that's what he has "always" done.
I also get it too because my DH was that guy, but he eventually was forced to have an epiphany and start prioritizing otherwise he was going to be attending everything by himself.
OP's DH needs to realize things have changed this year. Doesn't mean they can't EVER do them again, but that he needs to put the gift giving/event attending on the shelf this year while he gets buisness underway and they catch up finanically.
Either his family is a bunch of jerks who will give them hell or he isn't ready to admit the above and the OP doesn't want to jostle the boat because of what either him and/or his family will think of her if she does. One of the two.
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trytofindbalance
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Post by trytofindbalance on May 12, 2011 15:57:03 GMT -5
Thanks Dark, I appreciate the understanding. Believe me, I would love to attend every single event we want to, purchase great gifts for everyone, go on family vacations, pay all of our bills and spend what we want on fun...but that's just not the way it works. We have limited resources just like everyone else and sometimes I get a little bit resentful that I am spending a good portion of them on other people, when right now we really need to concentrate on paying our bills, getting DH's business up and running and getting our financial house in order. That doesn't mean I'm selfish or cheap. I just think we need to cut back on some of this spending, because I can't keep taking away from other things to make up the shortfall.
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trytofindbalance
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Post by trytofindbalance on May 12, 2011 15:59:45 GMT -5
By the way folks, DH's extended family are all struggling financially. I think DH was a little disappointed when his sister with 4 kids gave him a $20 book for his 40th birthday, after he spent lots of time, effort, thought and money on her family this past year. I told him that, it was a very thoughtful gift and that he needed to understand that that was all they could afford. Funny...he seemed to understand it about them. He's constantly going over their helping them out and fixing everything in their house because they have no money, so he clearly sees their situation, but forgets that we're struggling right now too.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on May 12, 2011 16:01:24 GMT -5
Does he really understand that there are serious money issues or because you juggle Peter to pay Paul, it hasn't affected him?
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Post by stl76 on May 12, 2011 16:03:06 GMT -5
"Dark, she said she hasn't read all the posts. " Exactly. Now that I have read majority of the posts, I take back everything I said. Sorry about that. WTF? ![???](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/huh.png) He doesn't get to be GENEROUS with gifts when he is not bringing any money in! And what is wrong with the MIL who gets upset over getting only 1 gift and trying to compete with kids??? OMG! How can your DH be so comfortable buying a gazillion generous gifts with the money you are bringing in?? I am sorry but he is a jacka$$!
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Post by stl76 on May 12, 2011 16:10:11 GMT -5
"We have limited resources just like everyone else and sometimes I get a little bit resentful that I am spending a good portion of them on other people, when right now we really need to concentrate on paying our bills, getting DH's business up and running and getting our financial house in order. "
Again, i am sorry for posting before reading the whole situation. Honestly, I would be extremely resentful too and in fact I would not even give him access to the money to be able to buy the gifts. You are doing way more than I would ever consider.
"Funny...he seemed to understand it about them. "
He understands about them but not about you because he does not feel the pressure, the pressure is all on you! You need to put the pressure on him.
What is up with some of these men lately (posted on here or in my real life that I run into)?? They seem to have decent jobs with good incomes, then they end up marrying a woman with a decent income (and willing to support their husbands to better themselves for the good of their families) and their work ethiscs start going down along with their incomes as their spending goes up.
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Sum Dum Gai
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Post by Sum Dum Gai on May 12, 2011 16:26:10 GMT -5
I doubt anyone would be saying the same in the reverse. "By gosh, I am going to cut my wife's spending off at the knees". I don't know, I'm pretty sure that was suggested to Cawiau a few times.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on May 12, 2011 16:39:06 GMT -5
Then go to the ones that are local - but spending hundreds of dollars for presents is YOUR CHOICE. (Okay you and your husband's choice.)
Man up, grow up, and tell these people you are broke and cannot afford to lavish them with gifts until DH is making more money.
Or, sit here and complain and get ulcers and cry "poor me" because the fires of hell will rise up and engulf you if you just give someone a card and a batch of homemade cookies this year.
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midjd
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Post by midjd on May 12, 2011 18:24:21 GMT -5
TTFB, I think from your first thread and even this one that your DH sounds like a very caring person who loves his family. I also think it's great that he is making strides with his business, and it sounds like things are going to start turning around soon.
But, until then, he needs to feel the heat. You shouldn't be stressing out and juggling to pay the bills while he thinks about all the gifts he's going to give people. You mentioned that he needed to meet his financial obligation to the family - that is exactly right. Have you explained that to him? He needs to realize that unless he brings in $X/month, you're not going to be able to pay YOUR bills, let alone buy gifts for 20 relatives. He sounds like an understanding person - I think you can get through to him. Maybe copy/paste some of the posts and show him, to illustrate exactly what you can/can't afford?
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